Met bf's Ex-wife, very jealous

[ginag]

My bf and I have been dating a couple of years now and I have a good relationship with his kids. My bf and his ex are not divorced but have been separated for a long time. They have an unusual relationship: he watches the kids over at her house and the family spends Christmas/birthdays together. I don't mind (sort of) because they are friends and the kids are the most important thing in his life.

 

But.. I recently met his ex and she's very nice and cute. And everytime I see her all I can think of is there time together and how much they loved each other.. blah blah blah. The jealousy builds up so strong that I just want to leave.

 

Their kids play sports and the whole family goes to every event and hang out and laugh/talk with each other. They are so proud of their kids and gush at each other over them. I feel like such an ass when I'm around the two of them. Nobody has ever been rude to me but I think of the past too much and the times they had with the kids laughing and playing.

 

I don't know how to get over the jealousy because I know they will never get back together but I see how they act together. He told me before that there will always be a piece of her in his heart and that just about killed me. I will never have that bond with him and I get depressed when I see the whole family together having fun.

 

Most people that have broken up don't see each other as much as he sees/talks to her. They were together for 13 years and he loves her family. Well, when will my family come first? I assume never. I am being such a baby but I can't help my strong feelings.

 

His kids like me but when the two parents are around I'm not even there. I don't want kids of my own but I sure would like that bond. Does anybody have any advice how to get over myself and my jealousy?

 

Thanks

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm not so sure about the gushing at each other..... that seems a bit strange.

 

Having a good relationship with the ex is important for the kids. If this is a problem for you now, don't marry him- it will only get worse.

 

13 years is a long time. What makes you so sure they won't get back together.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

If they've been separated for two years I'd say there is little chance they'd get back together plus the fact that these two have been dating for two years. He chose you over her and you have no reason to be jealous. They will always have a connection because they are raising the same children and they both share a great love for their children, but not for each other.

 

My relationship with my ex is very similar. We are both very much involved in our children's activities and still to things as a family. We still ARE a family, just a different KIND of family.

 

I know eventually there will be a new man in my life to share intimiate moments with, and there very well may be in my ex's life too. Even the guys I date know about my relationship with my ex and I hope they do not threatened by it or jealous because the marriage is over. There is and will be no more intimacy.

 

The only thing we have in common now is the love we share for our kids.

[lilmoma1973]

My bf and I have been dating a couple of years now and I have a good relationship with his kids. My bf and his ex are not divorced but have been separated for a long time. They have an unusual relationship: he watches the kids over at her house and the family spends Christmas/birthdays together. I don't mind (sort of) because they are friends and the kids are the most important thing in his life.

 

But.. I recently met his ex and she's very nice and cute. And everytime I see her all I can think of is there time together and how much they loved each other.. blah blah blah. The jealousy builds up so strong that I just want to leave.

 

Their kids play sports and the whole family goes to every event and hang out and laugh/talk with each other. They are so proud of their kids and gush at each other over them. I feel like such an ass when I'm around the two of them. Nobody has ever been rude to me but I think of the past too much and the times they had with the kids laughing and playing.

 

I don't know how to get over the jealousy because I know they will never get back together but I see how they act together. He told me before that there will always be a piece of her in his heart and that just about killed me. I will never have that bond with him and I get depressed when I see the whole family together having fun.

 

Most people that have broken up don't see each other as much as he sees/talks to her. They were together for 13 years and he loves her family. Well, when will my family come first? I assume never. I am being such a baby but I can't help my strong feelings.

 

His kids like me but when the two parents are around I'm not even there. I don't want kids of my own but I sure would like that bond. Does anybody have any advice how to get over myself and my jealousy?

 

Thanks

I have to agree with Mz. Pixie, how do you know they won't get back together!! Why haven't they divorced what are they waiting on ? Are you just for now till they decide what they going to do .. How do you know he will commit to you and you only if he is being chummy with his ex?

[almostthere]

I shouldnt even leave my opinion. And really...thats all it is, is an opinion. Not Advice. I give you credit for dealing with this. I personally could not. I am a very strong woman and I am confident that my bf will not cheat on me with her. or anyone right now. I say right now because we are in a young relationship of 8 months. Him and his exwife dont get along at all. She wants him back badly. When we first started dating she asked him if her and their kids get kicked out of the house she is renting if they could move in with him. She asked him today if he could spend the night there Christmas Eve. What makes her think that it would remotely be ok to ask him any of these questions?! She calls me names infront of the children and now his daughter (7) has a problem with me. We have been fine all along. I am so ready to walk away. I didnt know that there was this whole thing with his ex until the first night we slept together. She came over to his house and was banging on the door. They started arguing outside his house and he came back into me and said he had to go down the street to her house to battle this out. That night he was supposed to cook me dinner and wine and dine me so to say. Instead he leaves to go over to his ex's to fight for 2 hours. I should of left. But I didnt. After he got home things were ok I guess. And here I am still putting up with this.

 

There are so many other people out there. I dont need this. If he is truly a nice guy and you love him then I guess I would stay. But its probably not going to change. Its almost like a relationship between three people. At least thats what I got from your post. I think its great that they are so involved in the childrens' lives. But why cant you go with too? Or maybe you do. In that case it wouldnt bother me. My bf's kids just had a Christmas play at school. His whole family went and of course his exwife. I wasnt invited. it actually hurt a little. I am tired of him watching out for what she wants. and how she will feel about it. Anyway...good luck with your situation. Its hard. I know I didnt help much but sometimes when something doesnt feel right or good...you shouldnt do it.

[ziggue]

Having a good relationship with the ex is important for the kids. If this is a problem for you now, don't marry him - it will only get worse.

 

I agree. If this is a problem for you now, don't marry him it will only get worse.

 

You have to think about whether you can handle him having another woman in his life and she will always be in his life because of their kids.

 

I was open minded to dating people with kids. Since then dated 2 people who have had their ex girlfriends and kids in their lives.

 

In the end I relised I couldn't deal with it. I admire people who can.

 

Almostthere one situation I had was kind of similar to yours. My ex's ex wanted him back and she sent me an sms from a payphone saying 'I know where you live.'

 

Once she was outside with their daughter who was only just a baby. She knew I was inside at his dad's place and made the baby cry on purpose to make me feel bad about taking her daddy away from them both as she was leaving.

 

She also smashed a couple of things of mine that were over at his place while they were fighting still...

 

She was a tad bit nuts.

 

A couple of weeks later they ended up back together. Almostthere just keep your eyes and your ears open as to what's going on in their relationship especially if she wants him back.

[jmargel]

Why haven't they divorced yet? What is keeping the process? The fact he spends so much time with his ex is another concern. If you talked to him about this and he blows it off, or blames you for it then you have concern. You have everyright to be concerned here because it sounds like he's not putting you #1 in his life. You & his kids should be #1, his ex shouldn't be a part of his life anymore. Why does he need to spend holidays with his ex and her family? I would never allow that.

 

You need to communicate to him what you want in your relationship with him and if he can't let go of his ex or the things he does with her then it's time to move on. He's not taking your feelings into consideration unless you are agreeing with him and letting him do these things. He needs to KNOW what you want first.

[LoveSong]

I'm in a similar situation with my bf, but after the intial questioning, I haven't felt threatened or jealous about his ex. (and yes, I do think she is beautiful and nice.) They have been divorced a few years (together nearly 15), and their families still co-mingle for the kids and holidays. I've been included in events at her family's house as well as at hers, and things are fine. We've even been shopping together!! We joke about how odd the situation is, but it works, and the kids love it. I know that there are bonds that they have that he and I won't, but "that was then, this is now". We have other issues....but when it comes to this, he makes me feel secure about us.

 

On the other hand, I had those jealousy issues with my ex-husband's first wife! I met him almost 2 years after their divorce, but deep down she was always a "threat" to me, and when we separated after 7 yrs of marriage....guess who the first person was that he jumped into bed with!!! (Even though from the day we met, he swore he would never want her in his life again).

 

All I can say is go with your gut feeling. Figure out what it is about the situation that makes you feel jealous. (Is there something missing in your relationship?) Talk to him about how you are feeling. You should never "feel like an @ss around them"!!

I would be more worried about his marital status, though. I don't know his situation, so I won't commment on if he is still married due to "unresolved feelings" or for other reasons, (I've known some divorce processes that have been stalled nearly 10 yrs because of finances.) but remember, He IS still married! He's in no position to move forward with you.