I don't trust my husband

[SamandBran]

Hey, you guys! I am so glad I have found this site!!!! I used to go to a pregnancy forum when I was preggo with my 1 year old and it really helped me alot.

 

I have alot to get off of my chest and I feel like I am dealing with this all alone. I have yet to bring this up to my DH b/c I feel like he does not feel the seriousness of it as I do.

 

First of all, I have been married only a month. My hubby and I knew each other for a month before we decided to get married. I feel like that may be a big part of the problem. I wanted to get married to secure my future better b/c I was a single mother and I do not know my husband's real reasons. I believe that he was just ready to settle down b/c he is in the Army and deploys alot and has mentioned that he wants someone to come home to.

 

It has been 2 months now and my hubby and I love each other. We do everything together but I do not trust him for some odd reason. He hasn't given me a blatant reason b/c we are always together and he's always home.

 

Here's the long story that I am getting to. I will try to keep it short. My hubby's best friend is in the Army and stationed here too. We used to hang out with DH's best friend, AJ and wife, Michelle. Yet, the first time I met Michelle, she put her hands on my hubby's butt to wake him up! I thought this was odd. But, me and DH had just started dating and Michelle has none DH for over a year. So, I thought that was just their relationship. Then, when Michelle found out we were getting married, she was the only one that yelled at him about it and lectured him. Before we had met, Michelle had also tried to hook DH up with her identical twin!

 

Ok, so I overlooked this and went to DH's friends house for dinner. I thought it would be nice to have a couple as friends. Michelle showed that she was a terrible hostess and hung out with her friend from next door when she came over and ignored me. I was very upset and told DH this. He acted very nonchalant about this.

 

Then, when me and DH were talking a few nights later, DH told me that he'd seen naked pictures of Michelle after AJ and her had broken up. AJ had showed him all of these pics that were in his phone.

 

Then, AJ turns around and marries her. DH has also admitted to trying make himself not visit Michelle while AJ was in Iraq for a year b/c that isn't what people do, he claimed. But, I discussed it with co-workers and it seems like there was a temptation or something, which is why he was avoiding going to check on Michelle and their 2 sons.

 

I feel alone in all of this b/c my DH hasn't made me feel secure enough to not worry about it, though he apologizes, it doesn't seem like it's enough. And people I talk to seem like they want me to be miserable anyway b/c their marriages are all screwed up and their relationships are too.

 

I am so confused and hurt. I love my husband and never want to divorce but how do I work through this so I can move on? Our sex life is horrible, DH is hardly able to stay hard (sorry for the tmi) and I feel like its b/c he is thinking of someone else and not attracted to me. I do not know. I am hurt that he ever saw Michelle naked and I don't how many positions it was or what the positions were. And I am scared to ask b/c it will never leave my mind. I am hurt that he never told me and expected us to all hang out then later told me and didn't expect it to hurt me. I have tried to forgive him but I can't in my own heart. I have not let it go.

 

Plz give me some advice on what I should do, so I can move forward. I feel like I may be blowing this out of proportion but yet I don't. I am just hurt by alot of ways that he handled this situation. I have cut every guy that I have ever slept with since I married him and he expected me to hang out with them and invite them to my house and from the first time I met Michelle, I got this vibe that she liked my husband.

 

Please help!!!!

[shadowofman]

Well. I'm a man, but I'm not your man. Keep that in mind. But, my views will in all likelyhood will be similar to your husbands, or so I think. Men are pigs. It's a proven fact. We want to **** anything that looks healthy. That's just the way most of us are. I don't care if your the hottest girl on the planet. That's the way we are. I acually relate to your husband, because I sometimes have some erectile dysfunction as well, and I am very turned on by my wife. I don't know why it happens, but it does. It's more frustrating for my wife and that makes me feels worse, and then it really won't get hard. The fact is men cheat, or want to cheat, and women can blow things out of proportion. Example. My wife is mad at me right now because I have what appear to be human claw marks on my back. I have know clue what they are from. I didn't get them from another girl though. I'm gonna have to go home and somehow convince her of that. Does she have a right to be pissed at me this time? I guess. But not from my point of view. Have I ever cheated on her? Yes, a couple years ago, but she doesn't know. Why did I do it? Pure lust, and she was really dumpy too. Point is, my male hormones are justs as likely to make me cheat as her female hormones are likely to make her freak out for NO reason. That's how complicated us humans are. If you don't want him to cheat, keep a short leash. If he can't handle your short leash, he may say piss off. That's the man/woman power stuggle in this country. Men like me have a few options when we love someone and we want to keep them. We can do our best to obstain from our insticts to cheat or we can cheat far away from home so that you never find out. There's a very common among cheating men. Never cheat in your own area code. Women almost never find out about those indiscretions. I think you need to talk to your husband about all of these human natures and remember that they are just talk. If he admits to wanting to cheat, DON'T GET ANGRY. That will only make him lie. You need to be 100% truthful and create an atmostshere where he can be just as truthful. Wanting to cheat is not his fault. It's completly normal. Actually cheating would be his fault, but also keep in mind that most men don't have the willpower. This knowledge is dangerous though. It justifies my actions. It doesn't mean that it's not true. I could go on and on though.

[Heavenlyflower9]

You know I hate to say it, but I agree with Shadow.

Talk to your hubby! Communication is REALLY important in a marriage and any other relationship. Tell him exactly how you feel.

 

My H and I have been together since Highschool (13 yrs). We were SO in love and married young at the age of 19 / 20. Over the years, we've dealt with a bunch of crap. Feel free to read my threads.

 

While H was in the Air Force and I was prego, he cheated on me with my best friend. Yup! Me thinking everything was hunky dorey! But it was'nt according to him. If he would have just told me this before he did what he did, then things would've been different. H said that I was'nt giving him any attention, sex, etc. I was prego and not in the mood for it.

 

I don't regret getting married. But i do believe that we married young and were'nt SO experienced. That's maybe why he did what he did too. We went to MC and it helped us alot. We now tell each other exactly how we're feeling. No matter what it is. It has gotten better.

 

You're probably asking how can I trust him again? I've gotten over the infidelity, but I will never forget. Trust? I don't completely. Guess it's normal. He's still working on it.

 

Just from my experience. If you really love each other, yall should be able to talk and work it out. Good luck to you and keep us updated.

[newbby]

shadow, i do hope you used protection when you cheated. or at the very least got tested afterwards and BEFORE you slept with your wife again.

 

samandbran, i agree that you need to lay down some rules. dont be scared of frightening him away, if he cares more about keeping this michelle around than keeping his new wife happy, then he is not worth being married to, right?

[shadowofman]

Thank you for your concern for our health and yes I am very conscience of the dangers. Very wise words, newbby. Don't be afraid to talk about it. And don't be afraid of what you might hear. He's only human.

[newbby]

i'm glad shadowofman,

cheating is one thing, putting lives at risk is quite another. i wasnt meaning to suggest you would do such a thing.

[SamandBran]

Thanks you guys so much!!! I have talked to my hubby about it before but I think we were both tired of the subject yet I just wasn't getting the response and reaction from him that I could be satisfied with.

 

Finally, yesterday, he called me twice at work before I called him back b/c I was upset...hehe. And I finally figured out a way to make him "get it". What I was feeling, the anger and my hurt feelings. I told him to imagine how he would feel if his best friend, AJ, had seen me naked and would he still feel comfortable with us hanging out. He got quiet and right away admitted that he would be pissed and that he now understood.

 

Like Shadow did not mention, guys can be very predictable and they are somewhat shallow to me. They do not get anything until you make them feel the exact pain that you feel. Otherwise, from my experience, most times they cannot or will not try to relate.

 

So, I suggest putting the guy in the female's shoes some way, so he can understand better.

 

Don't get me wrong, my DH loves me very much, he has slept on the couch b/c of this, bought me a bear with candies and finally after my scenario that I invented for him, so he could really understand my hurt feelings....we talked about it when I got home. And he asked me what does he need to do so I will forgive him, b/c I couldn't. I felt like he had cheated. And mind you, this happened over a year before we even got together but the fact that she was still around with her own hubby is a huge problem to me.

 

So, I did set down some ground rules. I told him that he could hang out with AJ but not at AJ's house, b/c I don't trust her enough to be around my DH. I do trust my hubby now after talking to him again and I did before but after takling to a few other women, it faltered a little. But, I feel that it may be Michelle wanting him b/c her and AJ have a lot of issues and are usually on the brink of divorce at any given time.

 

I also told my hubby that I would think about AJ coming over to our house to hang out as well, but Michelle is not welcome in my home. And that he had to buy my something really nice for putting me through this.

 

Our sex life has definitely been picking up and DH actually has been initiating sex lately and even got upset when I fell asleep on him a few nites ago...lol. But, last nite, we had great sex together and that made me feel alot better. I know that we have worked through our first big issue and as we grow together and remain best friends, we'll conquer many more together.

 

Thanks so much for the advice and good luck to all of you in your love lives!!!!

 

Samantha:love:

[lilmoma1973]

 

Glad to hear things are better ! Keep us updated as to how things are going with you not letting his friend Michelle come over!!! That is really wrong how that girl acts to your h and that is very disrespectful to do those things in front of you knowing that she is married and he is too!! Picking or not i think touching someone on the butt is too personal and inappropriate !! She sounds like she has to be the center of attention !! Maybe she is jealous of the relationship you two have and wishs it was her!!

[SamandBran]

Thanks! Yea, I do believe that she is jealous, but I can't help that. I actually believe that she knows my DH is a good man, which is why she was trying to hook him up with her sister in the first place. He didn't feel right doing that b/c his sister is her identical twin and he said he thought it was too weird..lol.

 

And she is a big attention getter. She's 20 and had her first baby at 15, so she really hasn't grown up naturally like most people would have that were not forced to at such a young age. Some people can adjust well to that type of situation but from my experience, the women I knew never really did and act very childish b/c they couldn't be a child when they were b/c they were moms already at such a young age. I never judged her though, I thought she was nice at first and even thought we would all be cool, but then her true colors started showing. My guard is always up and I was onto her fast! lol. I guess it helps to have gone thru some drama prior to marrying my DH. I have shady-girl and cheaters radar definitely.

 

We'll be fine and yes, I am going to keep her crazy behind away from him by any means necessary...lol.