makaze Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 I don't want to make this long. I'm in a long distance relationship for about a year now. Basically, about a week ago my boyfriend went out to some club and met some girl there, who exchanged phone numbers with him. I didn't feel all great about that, but OK. A few days later, I asked him about it more, he said she's cool and they talk over email and chat programs a lot. I felt a bit annoyed though I know there was no real reason to worry. Tonight he's going out with her, and will probably be out all night and get drunk and all that. This somehow pisses me off, I mean, I consider that a date. Another thing that somehow bothered me is that he just said he is going out and didn't imply he is going with anyone, until I asked of course. I don't really think something bad will happen, but I can't help but hate this whole situation. I don't even know anything about this girl or her intentions. I try to feel relaxed about it but I can't. If you can tell me how you would feel in this situation, it would be relevant to me. I can't change the way I feel, but if this is considered a widely normal thing, then I could understand why he is so blunt about it. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 If you can tell me how you would feel in this situation, it would be relevant to me. I can't change the way I feel, but if this is considered a widely normal thing, then I could understand why he is so blunt about it. LDRs are great because you're in a relationship but your not in a real relationship. Usually one of the two parties involved takes advantage of that. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 LDRs are great because you're in a relationship but your not in a real relationship. Usually one of the two parties involved takes advantage of that. Utter garbage. I am in a LDR and it is as *real* as any other relationship I've had. And there is no *taking advantage* of anything in my case. Another one of Alpha's typical generalizations. Link to post Share on other sites
ZGT1503 Posted December 21, 2005 Share Posted December 21, 2005 It is not true to say that "usually" one of the two parties takes advantage of the fact that there is distance between you in an LDR. What a ridiculous generalisation. Anyway, back to Makaze's original question. I have to say that I would also feel very uncomfortable in your situation. It's very hard to get the balance between being ok with him going out with friends and so on, and knowing when it's gone too far. Because she is not a good friend, but someone he met in a club and exchanged numbers with, this would be unacceptable to me. It's difficult to know if he didn't tell you who he was going out with because you would be jealous (are you normally jealous?) or if there's really a reason he hid it from you. Have you tried explaining to him how you feel (when you're feeling calm about it, not angry) and asking him if it's just a friendship on both his and her side? And does she know he has a girlfriend? You are not abnormal in feeling how you do. I don't know many women who would be comfortable with this... I certainly wouldn't. Good luck with it all, keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
Author makaze Posted December 22, 2005 Author Share Posted December 22, 2005 Hi ZGT, thanks. I think the reason he didn't tell me who he was going with is that it would sound 'bad' if he told me he's going out with a girl, and he wanted to avoid that. I'm normally as jealous as anybody else I think. He's aware of my jealousy, but I don't know what to think anymore. I told him I don't like the idea, and he said I have nothing to worry about and that it's simply a 'friends' thing. He also said he told her about me. But since it's starting to bother me more than it did when we had the talk [now that I am thinking more about it], I'm going to have to talk to him about it again. I can't do anything now, because he is already out with her. I thought I could call him on his cell phone but it seems like such a controlling thing to do. So yeah, I'll see about it tomorrow And by the way, long distance relationships are real relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
ZGT1503 Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 Yeah, I don't think calling him on his cell phone would be a good idea, as this would imply you were really not coping with it and you will come away with a better impression in everyone's eyes, and more self respect, if you don't call. But if you're thinking about it even more, then it's obviously worrying you and I would say talk to him about it after the event, when you are both in a good mood. The problem is that if they're just friends, then why didn't he tell you about it? But my boyfriend has done the same thing, because it sounds worse to us than it may actually be. I do sort of understand that they can be in a difficult position - if they tell us, we react, so they don't say anything because to them it isn't a big deal. So don't jump to conclusions, and just explain how you feel, also saying that you trust and believe him (only if that's true of course!) No one can know what is going on here, but it's a good sign that he told her about you and that he's been open in the end about going out with her. And yes, of course LDRs are real relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
monkeybars Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 I would have a REAL problem if my boyfriend, LDR or not, were going out with a woman he met at a club...AND EXCHANGED PHONE NUMBERS WITH! Snap out of it, you are essentially giving him permission to date other women, which is what this is, a date. And don't kid yourself that it's not, it's a date. Do NOT let him disrespect you this way. Because, he's going to continue doing it. Just because he fessed up, after your questioning does not mean that he is on the up an up. LDR or not, put your foot down, he is not respecting the boundaries of a committed relationship. If you accept this behavior, expect it to continue... Link to post Share on other sites
ZGT1503 Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 The boundaries of a relationship vary from couple to couple. If her boyfriend had met a GUY when he was out, and they got on and met up for a few drinks as mates, would this be considered disrespectful or unacceptable? Of course not. I'm playing devil's advocate here. Personally I would not accept this in my own relationship, but I am extremely and irrationally jealous. But my boyfriend has several female friends, some of whom he met after we got together, and if they decide to go out for a drink or two (as I sometimes do with my male friends), I know it's ok. (NB I don't FEEL it's ok, as I'm struggling with jealousy, but I know logically there's nothing wrong with it.) Look, of course, if there is something more going on then I agree, she should set some boundaries or walk away from him and tell him to get lost. Then it is unforgivable and unacceptable behaviour. I just think flying off the handle without first gathering FACTS (rather than guessing) is a bit premature... Link to post Share on other sites
Author makaze Posted December 23, 2005 Author Share Posted December 23, 2005 Monkeybars, I thought about all that for a while, but the thing that makes it different is that he doesn't have much of a social life/very few friends, and likes to go out from time to time, and I know he's not interested in the girl in that way. And we've talked about it finally and everything seems to be OK. He said it was kind of boring and that he wished I was there. We'll basically work these things out, and I'm seeing him in 2 days (haven't seen him in 4 months) so everything will be great. Thank you ZGT as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts