When Men Fall out of love? Can it ever come back and how?

[winter2005]

Husband tells family he is 50/50 in love with me

tells me we are over-

wants me to change become happier etc

says that is I do he "might" give the relationship a try

But until he sees that its for real he wont be able to answer me

What to do? How long to wait? Also, Can love resurface?

thanks you guys soooo muchhhhhhhh

[omegaRED]

Well i`ve been "in love" only twice (though in retrospect, i think i`ve really loved only one person), i`m not married, so take my advice accordingly.

 

The thing is, you H fell in love with you in the beginning. The way you were then. The question is, have you really changed that much since you both met? The really important thing is whether you are happy the way you are now. Is this now the real you (well obviously not now, i know you must be an emotional wreck, but the last couple of months/years). Is this who you are, who you want to be? If you are not satisfied with yourself, i.e. your husbands unhappiness is not unfounded, then my advice would be to take some time for yourself and focus on you, your goals, your dreams, your happiness. If you find your hapinness again, but being happy with yourself, then i think your husband will be too. If he`s not, well...

 

One thought came to me about 2-3 months ago, i always "knew it", but never really believed it or practiced it IRL. To put it simply, each relationship consists of three vital components:

 

1. You, your life and happiness, independent of your partner, something only you possess (friends, hobbies, goals, dreams, etc.)

2. Your partner, his life and happiness, independent of yours, something only he/she possesses

3. The mutual life and happiness

 

If any one of those is neglected or lacking, the relationship is doomed. A balance must be achieved. These are pretty obvious, but i`ve found that we often overlook one of the points, mostly point nr. 1. Etiher we enmesh with our SO, losing our private, personal life, or we don`t commit enough, preserving our private life, but at the cost of our mutual happiness. (I was the enmesher BTW).

 

So, my advice would be to start, immidiately, with work on yourself and personal happiness. Do not distance yourself, but, find things that you enjoy. Take steps to reach your PERSONAL goals. Improve your PERSONAL life. Put as little strain on the survival of the relationship as possible. Meaning, do not allow yourself to think only about preserving your marriage. You`ll probably put too much pressure on him and push him even further away. Instead, try to find things, hobbies, projects, goals to improve your life, and as soon as you start doing it, improving your life and attitude towards life, it`s gonna reflect on your husband and your marriage. Balance it out, but do not put your focus solely on preserving the marriage.

 

Of course, this only applies if the reason your husband gave you is the truth. But in the end, whatever the outcome, you are gonna emerge as a better and stronger person.

 

The only person you have control over is yourself. You alone are responsible for your happiness.

 

Good luck!

[malachai]

excellent post omegaRED

 

To put it simply, each relationship consists of three vital components:

 

1. You, your life and happiness, independent of your partner, something only you possess (friends, hobbies, goals, dreams, etc.)

2. Your partner, his life and happiness, independent of yours, something only he/she possesses

3. The mutual life and happiness

 

these things are crucial ingredients to a succesful relationship. not the only ingredients, but they must be there and in balance, like you say. and it goes for both parties.

 

i imagine a lot of the confusion a dumpee goes through stems from the fact that their SO was not happy, for whatever reason. the first thing the SO does to correct their misery is to target the relationship. even if the relationship is not the cause of the unhapiness, it's often still the first thing to go, maybe because it is mistakingly thought of as the cause of unhapiness, maybe because it is the first thing thought of to correct. even if a person tries to work through their unhappiness while perserving the relationship, when they attain their goals, or make the changes in their life that they want to, they emerge as a different person and may see the relationship differently than before. it might not be as attractive as it was when they first started it. i think that's why it's extremely important to only get involved when your are emotionally stable (i.e. happy) and you are willing to fulfill the 3 points you made.

 

winter2005: what is it that you think causes your husband to see you as "unhappy"? are you stressed, confused, or or are you legitimately unhappy?

[winter2005]

I was unhappy because I do not have my parents support in this marriage.

But-- I learnt to get over it. I complain a lot less than before.

When you move in with someone it takes a while to adjust but it took me longer cause i was stubborn. I am much more calm and happier will be sooo happy if I get my hubby back.

I want the holding hands the cuddling etc to come back I miss it so much!!