Girlfriend's Mom and Her

[Bob]

My girlfriend (35) and I (41) tried for 5 years, but fought constantly about her mom.

 

Mom invites herself into our plans; I tried to say no, but am called controlling. Mom told me that I was "sick" for wanting to have an occasional day without her calling. She comes over when she wants; leaves when she wants. If we went somewhere for a day, and mom did not know beforehand, she would call and call (leaving message after message expressing worry that sounded more like anger for not knowing what her daughter was doing). The other night, I thought I was talking to my girlfriend online, asking a very serious and I got a stupid response, which I later learned was because her mom had been typing the words. I called my girlfriend later that night and mom answered and hung up on me.

 

This ended us. I moved 100 miles away and my girlfriend moved next door to her mom. 6 months later, we tried again. We have issues, but can discuss them, if they do not involve her mom. My girlfriend and I see each other only on weekends, and of the 15 to 20 nights together so far, mom has come over all but 2 nights. Out of the blue, "Hello," no invitation, no warning. Also, mom comes over 2 to 5 times during the day and calls 2, 3, 4, 5 or more times a day.

 

Mom is nearing 60, single, and dates men in their 20's to 40's. She is intelligent, has an M.S. in social work, and can be fun to be around. Yet she treats her daughter with great disrespect; she ignore her daughter's request for even the smallest amount of space. Mom makes it very clear by her acts that she see her relationship with her daughter as priority over her daughter's relationship with me. The woman basically demands her daughter be there when she wants, and gets angry if my girlfriend tries to break away.

 

My girlfriend and I have kids. We spend the day with the kids, doing chores, and taking care of necessary business. Our time alone comes after the kids go to bed, but more often than not, we spend that time with mom. By the time mom leaves, it is late and we have about half an hour for us, unless we stay up half the night. When I get mad about this, my girlfriend tells me that I should tell her that I would like to be alone. For five years, I have tried to ask for less time with her mom, but nothing has changed. The fact is that I am told that I should have to ask each time otherwise the default is mom being there.

 

And I mean I really get mad. I am not violent, but when mom comes over all we do is drink beer all night and the alcohol takes it toll. By the end of the evening, I am so stressed for forcing myself to go with a flow that is a flow of sh*t, that I am primed to explode, and I do, wrongfully, and I regret it very much.

 

I know that there will be times when I have to ask to be alone, but I have ask to every single time. That does not seem right to me. I do not know what to do. I love this lady and our kids, but I cannot do this anymore. I am being asked to be the solution to her mom's problem. And that is wrong.

[Deb]

Bob:

 

I sure empathize with your situation. I've been married for over 12 years to a very wonderful man but his mother has made our lives very difficult. She too is very controlling and has never learned to let go. She has three other children plus 4 step-children and all of them have never stood up to her meddling ways but just let her continue to control and try to run all our lives. On the rare occasion, I am able to get thru to her, things work out okay for a while but then she's back to her old ways and we have to start over again. My husband has also confronted her over the years but it always goes back to same old song and dance. I hate to think what it would be like for you and your gal if you were to get married...

 

Somewhere along the line your girlfriend needs to get serious and set the ground rules for her mother before things get so far out of hand that no one can control it. It will only get worse if no one does anything - believe me, I speak from miserable experience. I know this isn't much help and I am sure one of our hosts here will have a better insight and perhaps some better advice but if your girlfriend can grab the reins now and get things under HER control instead of her mother's things will be much easier and happier for you both. It's not easy when one allows someone else to get away with this kind of behavior so I wish you and your gal the best of luck.