About 'clingers"

[riobikini]

The following was originally posted by me to someone else...thought it would help others.

 

 

First, you are right, -most women are turned off by clingy men.

 

Why?

 

Because, although they (clingy males) believe they are 'covering all the bases' in the relationship by tending to every one of her 'needs', they come off as way too emotionally centered for our socially generated ideal of how the male leader in our present human society is supposed to behave.

 

Yes, he's supposed to be attentive, -but not in an obsessed way.

 

Yes, he is supposed to communicate verbally about feelings, -but not better than his female partner.

 

Somehow, all that emotionally centered behavior just doesn't fit the ideal of the strong, testosterone-driven, sometimes distant, protector stereotype women are so used to with men; you know, the sports addict/computer junkie who normally has no trouble telling sports stats or building a computer from scratch but fumbles for words to describe feelings and has this awkward inability for doing sweet and considerate things.

 

So, is it that women WANT someone totally inconsiderate, -or even abusive?

 

Absolutely not!

 

We just want a happy medium, -no extremes.

 

We want to know that your male traits and characteristics are not encroaching on our own sacred female stereotypical ground and taking over.

 

But we DO want men to be open to 'those' talks and participate in them when we feel the relationship and/or it's problems or goals need to be discussed.

 

Yes, we enjoy gifts.

 

But we don't want to feel as if our partner is attempting to purchase our feelings or as if our partner thinks he has to 'be really, really good' in order to be loved in return.

 

Yes, we want lovely surprises.

 

But we want them to be special when we receive them...it's like, if you had Death By Chocolate EVERYDAY, it would soon become sickening and you'd never want to see it again.

 

But there's also another aspect of clingy behavior that is more disturbing to women and increases the risk of her being the one to break it off in a relationship with a desperately clingy partner.

 

Women have this 'radar' that suddenly alerts them when something isn't quite 'right' or is potentially dangerous about their partner's behavior.

 

This radar is a powerful internal system backed up by experience, female intuition, and wisdom taught by other women and has the ability to often acurately detect underlying problems masked by current behavior in her partner, which may emerge in the future.

 

For a woman, it may detect a threat not only to their general day-to-day happiness and wellbeing, -but a threat to their independence, their status, and perhaps, their safety, as well.

 

One of those threats with overly attentive, clingy males is that, if they are dumped for any reason, all their history of 'being good' to their partner is normally recounted in full....or should I say, in SPADES, right back into the face of the dumper.

 

He will be alble to tell you how much (in full, down to the penny) each of those week-end vacations cost him

 

He will immediately be able to tell you the cost of each of the shopping trips he took you on (he insisted, you resisted, but you gave in).

 

He will list every 'nice' thing he ever did for you.

 

He may even demand that you hand back the goods or the money.

 

Clingy boyfriends tend to build up very deep and harsh resentments when they are dumped and make every conversation to everyone all about how 'good' they were to their partner.

 

They make it an enormous issue and seek sympathy from everyone.

 

And of course, everyone agrees with him.

 

Some women, upon hearing how 'good' he was to his partner, will eagerly ask for his phone number, thinking he sounded like a dream-come-true, and comment that his partner "must have been crazy for letting him go"!

 

That's because they didn't live through the suffocating clingyness themselves, -often those who hear the story only hear of how good he was to his partner...-not how desperately clingy he was.

 

Getting dumped can lead to bitterness and anger in the 'nth' degree for the 'clinger' who suddenly feels it was HE who was being 'used' in the relationship.

 

They seem to harbor the resentment and, if the pattern is not broken, they tend to recreate this same pattern in the very next realtionship.

 

'Clingers' rarely give themselves adequate time to heal after breaking up, they usually go straight into another 'love' relationship.

 

Over time, the 'clinging' boyfriend will have built up a series of hurts that seem to never heal and just gets bigger, -and with every relationship, he may become more fearful, desperate, and resentful.

 

In his tortured mind, he's looking for the ideal woman who can appreciate all of what he views as 'normal' offerings of kindness, consideration, and love.

 

But the 'ideal woman', for him, will likely never appear, until he deals with all the past issues of why he feels the need to cling.

 

If the 'clinger' cannot see his problem and restore his mental and emotional health and equilibrium himself, then those issues are best handled by a professional therapist.

 

Hope this helps you some.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[chocolate_boy]

This applies to women as well, I've been out with my fair share of clingy women, and yes they follow the pattern (can't be single for more than a few weeks after split).

[riobikini]

You are correct, Chocolate Boy...both men and women carry out the same behavior.

 

-Rio

[CaliGuy]

This post needs to be stickied. It's the mantra of the 'nice guy' syndrome. Balance is where it's at. If you're confident in who you are you don't need to buy her love or cling to her. You will naturally assert your independence and allow her to have hers.

 

Again, great post. Nice Guys should post this somewhere they can read it every day.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Very informative/interesting post. I agree that women have the same traits, but I'd like to see it in more detail like you described the male version.

 

I know there are differences....maybe it will help me because I often forget that it's a good thing to make the guy "miss" me for a while.

 

As much as I try to keep things casual, I get in too deep sometimes, I feel like I care too much. I get impatient...but not necessarily clingy or needy although to some it did come across that way.

 

I just want attention, but not too much as described in the clingy guy post.