Where is the advice here for a second chance?

[Extra Truth]

I've have read a lot of posts here. Most deal with taking care of oneself, or forgetting about the person, questioning why would want to return to a person who dumped, , techniques for kiling the love a person feels for the dumper.

 

I assume most regret their mistakes, have learned to appreciate the person they lost, and sincerely want to apply their lessons to the person they love instead of move on, forget them, etc. Most don't want to kill their love, instead they are certain they have lost something special.

 

In fact, assuming love is choice, and not just a feeling, strangers choose to love when they begin a relationship, and it would seem that a last chance would be warranted to a familiar person than a new chance to another total stranger. Granted, there may have been much hurt between partners, but isn't it believable that reunited love is much sweeter. All it needs is for the dumper to have a little more heart to give that last chance. The next 40-60 years of life together are worth a little discomfort it seems to me.

 

So where is the advice on how to earn a second chance? Concrete advice is what I'm talking about.

 

This section of the board should really be titled. Tips on how to kill your love for the person you love who dumped you. IMHO.

 

I would love to hear responses. Thanks. J in LA

[jasmine111]

There is advice on here for second chances, none recently probably because people just haven't been asking for advice on it. I can't offer much advice except for it can't hurt to try again, but only if something has changed. It's stupid to try at a relationship that has already failed again when nothing has changed for improvement. It'll eventually just fall apart again.

[pippen_2k]

There isnt much 'concrete' information in this forum on obtaining a 2nd chance cause obviously no one has that information.

 

That tells me successful 2nd Chances are very very far and few between.

[Sleeps w/Butterflies]

I think everyone's situation is different. However I have learned that the best way to get them back (that is if it is worth it) is to continue with your life the best way possible. IMO exes get curious when they see you doing better than fine without them. Also time and patience is key especially if you were doing alot of pushing and pulling during the relationship and during/ after the breakup.

[CaliGuy]

Go read my post on why second chances rarely work. It's not that they can't (some do) but the percentage of success is extremely low.

 

Why?

 

Often times when we split and then try and work things out, nothing has really changed. You haven't changed, the ex hasn't changed or the situation hasn't changed.

 

In order for success, you have to know why the relationship failed and you both have to be willing to forget the past and improve yourselves. We are who we are and it's very hard to change ourselves. Even if you get back together if the change is only at the surface, old habits will return and a second (and probably final) break up will occur.

 

It's much easier to start fresh with someone new who doesn't have any preconceived negative opinions of you than to try and change those negative feelings of your ex.

 

The best hope of a second chance:

1. Implement NC first and foremost.

2. Work on self-improvement (ie: get a better job, quit doing drugs/alcohol, get treatment if you need it, build up confidence and self esteem, get yourself back into shape, make new friends, find new hobbies, etc. Essentially you have to morph yourself into a new, better you. It's extremely hard, but can be done.)

3. Your ex MUST, MUST initiate contact. Their feelings have to be the ones to change, not yours. And for that to happen, they have to not see or hear from you in a long time. They have to miss you and have some of those feelings rekindle. If you have have truly changed for the better and are independent of your ex then that is possible.

 

In the end there is nothing you can do to force an ex to love or want you again. The old adage "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they are yours. If not, it was never meant to be" comes to mind. You must truly set them free and be at peace with that decision.

 

If by some chance you do get back together you must start from scratch. You can not pick up where you left off. That will only lead to failure again.

 

How do I know all this? I've been there myself. I've been through all of this and I know exactly what went wrong (both times) and why my second chance didn't work. I'm in full NC (though inadvertently she was on a bulk email "Happy Holiday" list so she can tell it was more impersonal than anything). I don't hold any hope of a reconcilliation.

 

If she was to come back to me and truly have changed feelings then yes, it might work. But as she left me she was adamant I was not the guy for her. She doesn't want marriage or a long term commitment. She doesn't feel the way she used to. She loves me, but isn't IN LOVE with me. That's the jist right there. She'd have to fall back in love with me and that will only happen with a lot of time away and her maturing as a person. She knows how good she had it with me. No man ever treated her better and physically she's going to have a hard time finding someone who made her feel the way I did. It's true But it isn't all about sex.

 

Right now I'm just focused on being myself, being happy with who I am, building my confidence, self-esteem and independence from her. If it happens again, it will be on MY terms, not hers. But I won't force the issue, beg or plead to have her back.

 

I know I will live without her and that life will still be great

[Extra Truth]

Hey Cali Guy

 

Appreciated this post. Don't know how two threads by the same title got started by me--newbie mistake. Sorry.