Ex calls again...

[marzipan75]

I was just online chatting and my ex happened to call my cell phone again. I can't handle it. Every time I think I'm doing better and begin to forget there he goes again. I don't want contact. I tried contact and it made me a wreck, reliving the break up all over again, imagining him cheating on me with her and on and on...

 

I don't want to have to contact him to tell him to leave me alone. It hurts me to have to ask but should I get a friend to tell him?

 

I thought I was above this, I don't owe him any explanations. I am trying to let go and he has a new girlfriend so he needs to go to her for this crap, not me.

 

Uh! Why? Why? Why? Is he doing this to me? And why am I letting him?

 

Advice please!!!! Anybody

[Miss Mojo]

hi marzipan,

 

have you told your ex before that you don't want contact with him? if so, i think he is being very disrespectful. he has a nerve to whinge to you about his problems when he created such a magnitude of problems for you.

 

when my ex and i broke up, we had one phone call that was very, very painful. he e-mailed me after that to tell me how sorry he is that we were both hurting, but is it possible to still be friends.

 

i e-mailed him back telling him that it was not possible and i would never move on if we were in contact. it hurt like hell telling him that because i know he still loved me and i loved him, but i had to do it for my own sake. i didn't want to hear his voice, so i felt that e-mail was my best option. i considered getting a friend to tell him too, but i thought, "hey, i'm not 14 years old. i can do this myself and i'm going to do it whatever way is easiest for me".

 

after that e-mail i sent him, i never heard from him....except when he sent me a card for easter (i was pretty confused about that).

 

i think in a way he is probably going to you with his problems because he is used to it. i think he is crazy. he should have more respect for you than that. he didn't go out of his way to make your problems easier, so why should he expect you to do the same?

 

if he has an e-mail address, simply tell him what you put in your post....you want to move on, you are not there for his crap anymore, and please don't call. tell him that he is not to look at it as you playing hard to get or as a challenge....you simply don't want him in your life anymore. tell him to respect that.

 

perhaps you're letting him contact you because the thought of never having contact with him is so hurtful...cutting all contact makes it so final. but trust me....i had to do it with my ex. we were best friends up until the end and it was such a painful decision. but i figured if i let him contact me, i would be in more pain than i would breaking contact with him. besides, he doesn't deserve you in his life after the way he treated you.

 

you are a very strong person, and you can do it....as the book says, "feel the fear and do it anyway".

 

good luck

[midori]

Oh no!

 

Why is your awful ex still calling you? What is he seeking in doing so? Cause you're right, you absolutely do not owe him a thing!

 

Does your cellphone have caller ID? If so, don't pick up when it's him. That won't stop him from calling you at work or emailing of course -- I think you need to tell him yourself. It doesn't have to be a big, emotional thing. You could just say something like, "look I've got a lot going on right now and to be honest I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by all that's happened in the last six weeks, as I'm sure you can appreciate. I think at this point I'd rather just not talk to you for a while. Naturally if we happen to run into each other we can say hi, etc. But why don't you focus on your new life and I'll focus on mine right now? I'll let you know when I've got things settled to the point where I'm ready to reconnect with you. So until then, take care." Something like that will sound non-hostile, independent and not at all down-trodden and pathetic -- just the opposite. It will allow you to later try to be friends with him, when you're ready and if you so wish, and it doesn't leave the matter open to interpretation -- you flat out do not want to communicate with him right now. Doing it yourself -- it can be over the phone or even via email if you'd prefer -- is better than asking a friend to do it for you: you'll appear stronger, more stable and in control of the situation if you do it yourself.

 

Your ex sounds like a real piece of work if you ask me. I can't believe that he's so insensitive and self-centered as to foist himself on you after hurting and betraying you as he has so recently done. Just remember, you truly do not owe him anything anything anything. If he protests that cutting all ties would be very traumatic for him (e.g. "but we've been so close for so long, I can't imagine not speaking to you."), too bad. He might have considered that before he cheated on you and left you for another woman. He is entirely responsible for getting over the loss of you on his own. Don't feel obliged to make it any easier for him. I think I suggested in an earlier post that you ask your mutual friends to not share news of you with him, etc. I think that's a good idea first and foremost to help you in feeling like he's not watching you struggle to regain your feet; but also because why on earth should he have access to you? He forfeited all rights where you are concerned. You might feel like he's in control of things but that need not be the case. He broke up with you but that doesn't mean that he gets to call the shots going forward. Take control yourself and let him know what you've decided. He can't make you talk to him and if he keeps pestering you after you've asked him to leave you alone you'll know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he does not have your best interests at heart.

 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this after what you've already been put through Marzipan. I hope you can get it sorted out to your satisfaction. Good luck.

 

-midori

[Rogue]

Just when things are starting to look up, and you've started to forget the past, you see or hear or meet your ex again and it all brings all the hurt you've felt.Almost as if nothing ever changed. So relax, it's normal to feel the way you do.But if you want, you don't have to this way.Here's how:

 

What you're feeling is a lot of anxiety over what your ex did, and what he MIGHT be able to do again if you let him.It's the prospect that he'll be able to make you feel like *&*(& again that has you stressed out. Here's what you do.You simply tell yourself that he is HISTORY, PAST TENSE! It's over, FOREVER. You'd never go out with him again if he were the last guy on the planet.Tell yourself that again and again and again till it sinks in.It takes a while (maybe a week or two of hard work), but you do feel better.If he should call, he's just somebody from your past,no big deal.The key here is to tell yourself (a hundred times a day if that's what it takes) it's O-V-E-R!

 

After that, start looking forward to the next guy you're gonna go out with. Come on, there must be some pretty good looking guys you know whom you wouldn't mind getting acquainted with.

[sarah]

I was just online chatting and my ex happened to call my cell phone again. I can't handle it. Every time I think I'm doing better and begin to forget there he goes again. I don't want contact. I tried contact and it made me a wreck, reliving the break up all over again, imagining him cheating on me with her and on and on... I don't want to have to contact him to tell him to leave me alone. It hurts me to have to ask but should I get a friend to tell him? I thought I was above this, I don't owe him any explanations. I am trying to let go and he has a new girlfriend so he needs to go to her for this crap, not me. Uh! Why? Why? Why? Is he doing this to me? And why am I letting him? Advice please!!!! Anybody

Dear Marzipan:

 

I am going through the same thing right now. I haven't really been with my ex since April except for occasional short communications. Now he is e-mailing and even left a message at my work today. Really throws you back a step! What I am doing (hope this helps) is to imagine going back to see him and being around his friends and neighbors who know what he has done. Yuck! I can't go there, ever again. Don't want to, do you? They know about the other girls. How embarrassing.

 

Another thing, I think, is to do what makes you feel at peace. If you feel the need to be kind and can keep yourself seperate from the b.s. then should you talk to him in a calm noncommital conversation? I don't know.

 

One more thing...sleep on it, at the moment you are upset and caught up in your emotions. Another day might give you some more insight. You don't have to do anything immediately. He'll still be willing to play the games tomorrow.

[marzipan75]

Thank you! I appreciate your input so much and you are soo right! Thanks again.

Just when things are starting to look up, and you've started to forget the past, you see or hear or meet your ex again and it all brings all the hurt you've felt.Almost as if nothing ever changed. So relax, it's normal to feel the way you do.But if you want, you don't have to this way.Here's how: What you're feeling is a lot of anxiety over what your ex did, and what he MIGHT be able to do again if you let him.It's the prospect that he'll be able to make you feel like *&*(& again that has you stressed out. Here's what you do.You simply tell yourself that he is HISTORY, PAST TENSE! It's over, FOREVER. You'd never go out with him again if he were the last guy on the planet.Tell yourself that again and again and again till it sinks in.It takes a while (maybe a week or two of hard work), but you do feel better.If he should call, he's just somebody from your past,no big deal.The key here is to tell yourself (a hundred times a day if that's what it takes) it's O-V-E-R!

 

After that, start looking forward to the next guy you're gonna go out with. Come on, there must be some pretty good looking guys you know whom you wouldn't mind getting acquainted with.

[marzipan75]

Thanks for your post! I appreciate your input. I did exactly what you said and decided that it's not even worth my time getting angry over. I don't wanna play games w/him and I am sure he wants to remain friends but it's just not possible. I thought a lot about it and figured it's not even worth another minute of my time. He'll get no explanation because he deserves none and he'll get no "closure" from me because I assumed he already got it by jumping ship to this other chick. He hasn't called or tried to email since and I am fairly sure this time he's getting my frequency! You were right, I don't want to regress backward and let all that pain back in, who needs it!

 

Thanks for your advice!

Dear Marzipan: I am going through the same thing right now. I haven't really been with my ex since April except for occasional short communications. Now he is e-mailing and even left a message at my work today. Really throws you back a step! What I am doing (hope this helps) is to imagine going back to see him and being around his friends and neighbors who know what he has done. Yuck! I can't go there, ever again. Don't want to, do you? They know about the other girls. How embarrassing. Another thing, I think, is to do what makes you feel at peace. If you feel the need to be kind and can keep yourself seperate from the b.s. then should you talk to him in a calm noncommital conversation? I don't know. One more thing...sleep on it, at the moment you are upset and caught up in your emotions. Another day might give you some more insight. You don't have to do anything immediately. He'll still be willing to play the games tomorrow.

[marzipan75]

Hey Miss Mojo,

 

Thanks for your awesome advice. Unfortunately, for me I think any kind of contact whether email or phone,etc is just too much for me right now. I did make the mistake of saying that maybe in the future we could be friends, however this should not have translated to him that he should call me not even a week after our break up and once every few weeks thereafter. At any rate, if I'm not calling back and not attempting contact he should be able to put it together that I am just not interested in talking to him.

 

It's like one of my other friends put it, he said that the ball was now in my court and it's up to me. I decided I wanted nothing to do with him and as he did, I am entitled to change my mind. I was wrong, we can't be friends, part of the reason I tried to sound amicable during my last discussion with him is because he owed me some money and I wanted to make sure that he got it back to me. After that I figured it didn't matter what happened to him as long as I had been paid back. I know that sounds petty but it's a lot easier to play nice so he pays me back my money and then I can do whatever I want.

 

Well, he's paid me back and now it's my turn. He can suffer all he wants because it's like you said, he brought this on himself. Let him confide in his new girlfriend! Thanks again Miss Mojo!

hi marzipan, have you told your ex before that you don't want contact with him? if so, i think he is being very disrespectful. he has a nerve to whinge to you about his problems when he created such a magnitude of problems for you. when my ex and i broke up, we had one phone call that was very, very painful. he e-mailed me after that to tell me how sorry he is that we were both hurting, but is it possible to still be friends. i e-mailed him back telling him that it was not possible and i would never move on if we were in contact. it hurt like hell telling him that because i know he still loved me and i loved him, but i had to do it for my own sake. i didn't want to hear his voice, so i felt that e-mail was my best option. i considered getting a friend to tell him too, but i thought, "hey, i'm not 14 years old. i can do this myself and i'm going to do it whatever way is easiest for me".

 

after that e-mail i sent him, i never heard from him....except when he sent me a card for easter (i was pretty confused about that). i think in a way he is probably going to you with his problems because he is used to it. i think he is crazy. he should have more respect for you than that. he didn't go out of his way to make your problems easier, so why should he expect you to do the same? if he has an e-mail address, simply tell him what you put in your post....you want to move on, you are not there for his crap anymore, and please don't call. tell him that he is not to look at it as you playing hard to get or as a challenge....you simply don't want him in your life anymore. tell him to respect that. perhaps you're letting him contact you because the thought of never having contact with him is so hurtful...cutting all contact makes it so final. but trust me....i had to do it with my ex. we were best friends up until the end and it was such a painful decision. but i figured if i let him contact me, i would be in more pain than i would breaking contact with him. besides, he doesn't deserve you in his life after the way he treated you. you are a very strong person, and you can do it....as the book says, "feel the fear and do it anyway". good luck