Why is my ex blanking me at work when he's supposedly over it? How to cope?

[NuevoYorko]

8 hours ago, Vekoma said:

 

He did it to me yesterday……I was working on a computer minding my own business and he walked into the room to meet some work colleagues for coffee - saw that I was in there and told them he couldn’t sit in there and left…….

I don't think he did anything "TO" you in this instance.  If he wants to have coffee with colleagues - why would he choose to do it in a room where his ex was sitting, working?   I actually think that it is quite normal for a person, in that situation, to choose elsewhere to have coffee with the colleagues.   I would.  

[stillafool]

6 hours ago, Vekoma said:

It was more just an observation that if any other colleague in the workplace behaved like that towards you it would be unacceptable. 

Well it's not like you're accepting this as much as this is just the way it is.  Just continue to ignore and never look his way.  As Neuvo said, is there another route around your work where you can avoid running into him?

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Vekoma said:

Thankyou for your kind words. Honestly his behaviour has been bizarre and hurtful to the extreme - it’s like a person I never knew and our time together meant nothing. The change in the last couple of weeks has been strange too. 
 

Callous treatment is a good way to describe it. I don’t know if it’s just reactive/rebelling against someone who’s continued to be ‘nice’ to him that’s made it worse? I don’t know if he is trying to protect his feelings or simply hates my guts? 
 

Ive since found out he has a wake of these ‘horrible’ breakups in his past. Thought I might be treated differently as 4 years is a lot longer than his previous record of 14 months but clearly not. 
 

45 years old with the emotional intelligence of a teenager I think. 
 

How hes ever going to find happiness I don’t know. 
 

Trying to keep my head down and focus on me. It’s just tough having to witness it all. Hopefully one day I’ll laugh at it

You will. Right now it stings because it's still fresh. In time, his actions and behavior will make less and less sense and you'll be able to look at it objectively. He may not know what to say to you because he's too ashamed - there are a lot of reasons. Doesn't makes it all right though. At least if you find out that he is still feeling hurt, then at least we can understand that anger, or whatever we see in their eyes. I think for some men, and in some cases, the thought of women knowing how they really feel is as terrifying as death.

This is why a lot of guys are so bad at breakups. It literally strikes deathly fear in their hearts. They feel like they've failed and now they might have to admit it to someone that they feel like failed. I don't know. It's just a guess.

Edited March 22, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Vekoma]

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

He probably thinks that you are intentionally crossing paths with him, and he wants that to stop.   I think you said that you don't work in the same room - can you change your routes around the work environment so the two of you can avoid seeing each other more?

We work in a large building where we both have to work and visit multiple departments a day, sometimes the same one at the same time. Although we don’t work directly with each other avoiding each other totally isn’t possible unfortunately. 
 

Since breaking up, he has also had himself an office made in my ‘home’ department (that he has absolutely no business being in) which is a little strange. 

[Vekoma]

8 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I don't think he did anything "TO" you in this instance.  If he wants to have coffee with colleagues - why would he choose to do it in a room where his ex was sitting, working?   I actually think that it is quite normal for a person, in that situation, to choose elsewhere to have coffee with the colleagues.   I would.  

When he walked in and noticed me he mumbled something at his colleagues whilst literally pointing at me (I could see him do this in the reflection of the computer screen….) 

I guess we’re all different…..if he were sat in a room where I had chosen to meet with others, I know I wouldn’t do that - I’d carry on with whatever it was I was doing. 
 

It just seems as time has gone on he’s gone from pretending he was fine with everything to his behaviour appearing anxious and avoidant when he sees me. I find it strange?

[basil67]

You will find no answers or resolution in trying to guess at his motives, so perhaps it's better if you change jobs

 

[Vekoma]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

You will find no answers or resolution in trying to guess at his motives, so perhaps it's better if you change jobs

 

Absolutely not - I’m on a funded post graduate course through my work place set to give me 30k payrise in the next 12 months and my dream job….. (it’s pretty specialised, I’d literally have to move across the country to find it elsewhere) 

All of this isn’t so bad that I want to move  jobs. It’s just crappy to deal with when all I want to do it talk with him and at least make some peace…..for someone who blindsided me out of no where and didn’t show an ounce of upset I don’t really see why months and months down the line why that would be so difficult and he’s only got worse? 
 

I don’t want it for him either that he feels awkward and has to be hiding at work. That’s not the sign of a happy ‘coping’ person and it’s not a healthy way to live. 
 

Like I say, I’m sure he won’t keep it up forever. 

 

 

[basil67]

22 hours ago, Vekoma said:

I don’t want it for him either that he feels awkward and has to be hiding at work. That’s not the sign of a happy ‘coping’ person and it’s not a healthy way to live. 

He's doing what's right for him

[Acacia98]

On 3/21/2024 at 3:05 PM, Vekoma said:

He did it to me yesterday……I was working on a computer minding my own business and he walked into the room to meet some work colleagues for coffee - saw that I was in there and told them he couldn’t sit in there and left…….I didn’t even lift my head, I just remain stoic and neutral. So he’s started doing it in front of other people now. What they must think of him I don’t know. 

Here, it sounds like even as he ignores you, he wants to be sure he gets your attention.

On 3/21/2024 at 4:03 PM, happyhorizons said:

It will get better/easier that's a certainty it will just take some TIME.  You are obviously taking the high road which is admirable.  His actions are quite "telling" of what sort of person he really is at his core and I do think that maybe you will look back and be relieved that you did not marry.

I was thinking the same thing. The more you describe his behavior, the weirder he sounds. I can't help thinking that there's a tremendous amount of emotional immaturity involved and it's probably for the best that you're no longer with this person.

On 3/21/2024 at 11:32 PM, Vekoma said:

Honestly his behaviour has been bizarre and hurtful to the extreme - it’s like a person I never knew and our time together meant nothing. The change in the last couple of weeks has been strange too. 
 

Callous treatment is a good way to describe it. I don’t know if it’s just reactive/rebelling against someone who’s continued to be ‘nice’ to him that’s made it worse? I don’t know if he is trying to protect his feelings or simply hates my guts? 
 

Ive since found out he has a wake of these ‘horrible’ breakups in his past. Thought I might be treated differently as 4 years is a lot longer than his previous record of 14 months but clearly not. 
 

45 years old with the emotional intelligence of a teenager I think. 

There you go. 

He sounds like a bit of a drama queen, honestly. He's putting on a performance for you and your colleagues. The ultimate goal: I don't know. Maybe time will tell.

So he has had a pattern of behaving like this in the past? I guess this is who he is, then.

Does he routinely date and break up with women from your place of work? I wonder what else you will eventually learn about him that you didn't know when you were together.

On 3/22/2024 at 8:12 AM, Vekoma said:

Since breaking up, he has also had himself an office made in my ‘home’ department (that he has absolutely no business being in) which is a little strange. 

Your ex is a strange guy.

Edited March 23, 2024 by Acacia98

[Vekoma]

3 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Here, it sounds like even as he ignores you, he wants to be sure he gets your attention.

I was thinking the same thing. The more you describe his behavior, the weirder he sounds. I can't help thinking that there's a tremendous amount of emotional immaturity involved and it's probably for the best that you're no longer with this person.

There you go. 

He sounds like a bit of a drama queen, honestly. He's putting on a performance for you and your colleagues. The ultimate goal: I don't know. Maybe time will tell.

So he has had a pattern of behaving like this in the past? I guess this is who he is, then.

Does he routinely date and break up with women from your place of work? I wonder what else you will eventually learn about him that you didn't know when you were together.

Your ex is a strange guy.

Yep he was always one of those who said ‘all his exes are mad’ - I should have seen that as a huge red flag to be honest but was in love with him. Prior to spending 4 years with me his longest relationship was 14 months. Friends and colleagues were thrilled when we got together and said he changed when he met me. 

Despite him initiating all the ‘future’ talk when we were together when he broke up with me he said ‘somethings missing and he now wants to find a wife and a mother’

Ive since learnt he’s been out at a club (somewhere he would never go) was absolutely wasted to the point of not being able to stand, was trying it on with someone in their early 20’s and was thrown out for being so wasted. 

It sounds very petty of me but is a small comfort to realise he’s probably not dealing with all of this quite as well as he made out when he seemingly chucked me out of our home out of nowhere and didn’t seem upset whatsoever. He’s spiralling. It’s really sad. He’s thrown someone away who adored him and who everyone said was good for him. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Vekoma said:

Yep he was always one of those who said ‘all his exes are mad’ - I should have seen that as a huge red flag to be honest but was in love with him. Prior to spending 4 years with me his longest relationship was 14 months. Friends and colleagues were thrilled when we got together and said he changed when he met me. 

Despite him initiating all the ‘future’ talk when we were together when he broke up with me he said ‘somethings missing and he now wants to find a wife and a mother’

Ive since learnt he’s been out at a club (somewhere he would never go) was absolutely wasted to the point of not being able to stand, was trying it on with someone in their early 20’s and was thrown out for being so wasted. 

It sounds very petty of me but is a small comfort to realise he’s probably not dealing with all of this quite as well as he made out when he seemingly chucked me out of our home out of nowhere and didn’t seem upset whatsoever. He’s spiralling. It’s really sad. He’s thrown someone away who adored him and who everyone said was good for him. 

Yes, it is petty.   And it's quite possible he's having a great sense of relief. He was probably being honest when he said that you weren't the wife and mother he was looking for.  And there's nothing wrong with ending a relationship, going clubbing, getting shitfaced and trying it on with a young thing.  And while you may have adored him, if you were good for him, he wouldn't have ended it. 

This is the risk you take when dating someone who's in your workplace: You can't be rid of them if all falls to pieces. 

[Vekoma]

7 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Yes, it is petty.   And it's quite possible he's having a great sense of relief. He was probably being honest when he said that you weren't the wife and mother he was looking for.  And there's nothing wrong with ending a relationship, going clubbing, getting shitfaced and trying it on with a young thing.  And while you may have adored him, if you were good for him, he wouldn't have ended it. 

This is the risk you take when dating someone who's in your workplace: You can't be rid of them if all falls to pieces. 

Wow. A little un-empathetic and harsh. 
 

I think my feelings are perfectly natural given the way I was blindsided and had not one single clue anything was wrong. We were literally in the middle of selling property and (I’ve since found out) he had been and told all my family he was going to propose to me….who even does that?

It doesn’t take 4 happy years of being with someone to suddenly decide ‘somethings missing’ and bail on them out of nowhere without communicating anything at all to suggest that. That’s on him, not me. 
 

If after all this, it makes me ‘petty’ to at least think he might be even slightly a little bit hurt. I’m the one who’s behaving maturely at work, he isn’t. I don’t actually see what I’ve done wrong?

[Weezy1973]

6 hours ago, Vekoma said:

I think my feelings are perfectly natural given the way I was blindsided and had not one single clue anything was wrong.

Yes, you were blindsided. But I guarantee this was something he had been ruminating on for a long time. When I broke up with a girlfriend of 6 years there was a back and forth in my mind for about a year prior. And I couldn’t really talk to her about it because it was nothing that could be changed. Either I accepted things as they were or I broke up with her. In the end, when I started fantasizing about being broken up and the relief I felt it was clear I needed to end it.

 

And she was blindsided and (at the time) devastated. Lots of tears. Lots of calls to me wanting  to understand why. And we were in university at the time and I tried to avoid her as well. There was going to be no “staying friends” despite having a healthy relationship and getting along well, because I really didn’t want her to have false hope. About a year after the break up she moved and we met for a short time before that just because there was still some of my stuff at her (previously our) place and she was happy and excited about her move and new path. Time heals all wounds.

Edited March 23, 2024 by Weezy1973

[stillafool]

8 hours ago, Vekoma said:

Ive since learnt he’s been out at a club (somewhere he would never go) was absolutely wasted to the point of not being able to stand, was trying it on with someone in their early 20’s and was thrown out for being so wasted. 

It would behoove you not to listen to people who bring news back to you about his activities.  It keeps him on your mind and isn't helping you to move on with your life.  I agree that he's single now and if he wants to go out and get drunk and hit on young girls that's his business.  The people talking about him don't know what he's thinking and are just guessing.  If he was grieving about the break up and wanted you back he's had plenty of time to show you and ask you back.  Instead, he can't even stand to be in the same room with you.  That would be all I need to stay as far away from him as possible and move on with my life.  Are you dating other people yet?

[ExpatInItaly]

The more you write, the more I think he is dating someone else at your workplace and doesn't want her to see him around you. 

Or at the very least, he is interested in a colleague and doesn't want to give the impression that he's still friendly with you. 

[basil67]

11 hours ago, Vekoma said:

Wow. A little un-empathetic and harsh. 
 

I think my feelings are perfectly natural given the way I was blindsided and had not one single clue anything was wrong. We were literally in the middle of selling property and (I’ve since found out) he had been and told all my family he was going to propose to me….who even does that?

It doesn’t take 4 happy years of being with someone to suddenly decide ‘somethings missing’ and bail on them out of nowhere without communicating anything at all to suggest that. That’s on him, not me. 
 

If after all this, it makes me ‘petty’ to at least think he might be even slightly a little bit hurt. I’m the one who’s behaving maturely at work, he isn’t. I don’t actually see what I’ve done wrong?

Yes, your feelings are absolutely normal and you need time to grieve.   However, rather than trying to analyze him, his current feelings and what he's done and is doing is pointless.   You need to be focusing on yourself and your own healing. 

You ask "who does that?"  A friend of a friend recently ended an engagement because she had an epiphany that he was boring and she couldn't spend her life with him.  I'm sure he was heartbroken just like you are, but she knew that no amount of discussion would change his personality.   So yes, people do end long term relationships after a sudden realisation and it hurts a lot....but it's better than a divorce.  Or he could have been quietly mulling over an internal debate of stay and marry vs leave

With you believing that he's a bit hurt, did something happen which would make him angry with you or hurt over something you said?  If not, then he's likely not hurt.  The dumper usually has a sense of relief after having ended a relationship...where as a tremendous amount of hurt is suffered by the dumpee.   

[NuevoYorko]

On 3/21/2024 at 11:07 PM, Vekoma said:

 don’t want it for him either that he feels awkward and has to be hiding at work. That’s not the sign of a happy ‘coping’ person and it’s not a healthy way to live. 

The thing is, it's none of your business how he chooses to cope with working with an ex.  It seems like you probably have some boundary issues where this guy is concerned.

 

[Wiseman2]

It's awkward to have to work together. You two have different coping styles. You seem to want to stay friends and he seems to want to move forward and wash his hands of things.

[Vekoma]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's awkward to have to work together. You two have different coping styles. You seem to want to stay friends and he seems to want to move forward and wash his hands of things.

Yes, of course, I can appreciate people cope differently…..I guess all that has confused me is the shift from cordiality for a few months to then shifting to outright running away and ducking into doors. It’s really strange. Ho hum. 

[Vekoma]

6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

The thing is, it's none of your business how he chooses to cope with working with an ex.  It seems like you probably have some boundary issues where this guy is concerned.

 

I don’t have boundary issues at all. I’ve been nothing but polite and cordial to him and he was reciprocating for quite some time. 

If he now wants to run away when he sees me, months later, then I don’t see how that’s my problem with boundaries - that’s his. 

I just find the shift confusing is all, people usually start to get better over time and I’ve done nothing to make him start running away when he sees me. 

[ExpatInItaly]

You will likely never know why he's behaving this way right now. 

What's important is that you keep your head held high at work and remain professional, and continue to ignore it. There is nothing else you can do, in practical terms. 

[NuevoYorko]

18 hours ago, Vekoma said:

I don’t have boundary issues at all. I’ve been nothing but polite and cordial to him and he was reciprocating for quite some time. 

If he now wants to run away when he sees me, months later, then I don’t see how that’s my problem with boundaries - that’s his. 

YOUR problem is that you are allowing how HE chooses to handle being broken up with you wihile still needing to see you at work all the time in a way that you don't like.   

That is a boundary issue of YOURS.  

What you need to do is to figure out how to be OK with him going about his life as he chooses.  It's a difficult part of breaking up.  Much worse for people who have to see each other at work.  

If he wants to run away when he sees you, that's up to him.   

 

[basil67]

21 hours ago, Vekoma said:

I just find the shift confusing is all, people usually start to get better over time and I’ve done nothing to make him start running away when he sees me. 

And there in lies the problem - you keep going back to thinking that his reaction would be related to something you've done.   But this is about him and how he's processing it - it's not about you.

[stillafool]

I imagine you know by now to never get romantically involved with men you work with because when the break up happens it becomes a s*** show.

[Vekoma]

On 3/24/2024 at 12:43 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

You will likely never know why he's behaving this way right now. 

What's important is that you keep your head held high at work and remain professional, and continue to ignore it. There is nothing else you can do, in practical terms. 

Thankyou. 

As much as I’ve been utterly heartbroken and devastated over this, the one thing I am so proud of myself for is that I have never once bad mouthed him to colleagues or allowed it to affect my work or relationships with work colleagues despite the horrible treatment and cruel way he dumped me - won’t go into the details entirely but it was handled by him extremely badly and I had zero clue anything was wrong.

In the early days there were one or two colleagues who helped me through having to dash off to the loo and have a cry with, but other than that I’ve remained stoic when I’ve been there. 

Im upset with myself that it has taken me SO long to get to a place of feeling like I’ve been badly treated and to focus completely on my own self worth and confidence but I can feel it slowly coming back. 

Im now at the stage of flitting between feeling sad and then feeling really empowered so I hope it means I’m on the right track.