Why is my ex blanking me at work when he's supposedly over it? How to cope?

[basil67]

11 hours ago, Vekoma said:

I mean…..he knew I didn’t want us to break up and that I was really sad about it. I’ve done absolutely nothing to warrant this behaviour from him though?

I imagine he's not being like this because you've done something wrong.  It's more likely that he has the guilts and feels weird and awkward

 

Edited March 19, 2024 by basil67

[d0nnivain]

Since you lost weight & are doing other things to improve yourself his squirrelly behavior is probably due to regret.  Who cares?  Keep doing the good things you are doing for yourself.  

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Vekoma said:

We haven’t tried to get back together. He knows very clearly at the time of breaking up that  I didn’t want that to happen

I'll clarify what I am asking: 

Since breaking up, have you asked him to meet up? Hang out? Chat? 

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

I agree with this ^ but also think that MAYBE he is harboring a guilty conscience.  Guilty in terms of KNOWING that he DID YOU WRONG or that perhaps he was involved in SOMETHING else that led to the breakup. 

That too. I mean, he did break things off because "something was missing," and honestly, that can mean anything. He may have found someone else, or realized he didn't see a future with you. So, yeah, maybe he is avoiding you because he feels guilty for ending things in the first place. 

[Alpacalia]

I don't know that I would infer he is a coward, he said something "is missing". Sounds like he was already unfulfilled in the relationship. It is easier to find fault and blame something intangible on the other person. The behavior is similar to many break ups, its likely he loved her but realized she wasn't the right one for him and he couldn't pin point a reason.

Of course, feeling hurt and wanting closure is natural. It's likely there is a mix of him not wanting to project feelings strong enough where you think you have a chance and him being unable to articulate his true feelings or talk about them. 

It didn't get easier from your side but as time does make dents the emotions on his part may come through. Sometimes when people run away like this, it is an indicator that they are trying to seem unaffected and cool but really he is hurting inside. It's possible that he is trying to avoid processing his own emotions and is truly not ready to talk about it yet.

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

Maybe, the word COWARD as too harsh I concede that but I do believe that after  4 years together she does deserve a little more.  

I agree. But that is not (always) the case.

As much as it affects you, you have the power to let it be or diminish its effects. I was about to be married after seven years together, my ex kissed another woman, we split up, maybe he did that because he wasn’t ready for commitment, but, beyond that he wasn’t meant for me, and I am glad that it happened before walking down the aisle.

You just never know the full reasoning.

I understand it’s difficult to comprehend and it may feel hurtful at first, but I suggest to keep the message moving. Cherish the four years garnered to its full extent and let the messages from the past remain there. 

Edited March 19, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. It seems quite fresh and hurtful. 

All you can do is continue being polite and professional at work. Please don't try to be friends or too friendly or talk to others about him. 

Unfortunately he seems to be walling  himself off to distance himself more from the breakup and having to see each other at work. 

Edited March 19, 2024 by Wiseman2

[Vekoma]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'll clarify what I am asking: 

Since breaking up, have you asked him to meet up? Hang out? Chat? 

Probably about 3 months post BU I asked him to come and meet me for coffee to just try and ‘make some peace’……

He declined saying he ‘didn’t feel comfortable seeing me, perhaps a long way into the future we could’  and that was that. 
 

I haven’t pestered him, haven’t talked badly about him to people etc and have just tried to carry on which is why I’m finding his shift in behaviour from saying hello in passing to outright running away very confusing 

 

 

[Vekoma]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. It seems quite fresh and hurtful. 

All you can do is continue being polite and professional at work. Please don't try to be friends or too friendly or talk to others about him. 

Unfortunately he seems to be walling  himself off to distance himself more from the breakup and having to see each other at work. 

I’ve tried so hard to be polite but it’s near on impossible to do when someone runs away or blanks you……I just carry on doing what I am doing regardless……

I haven’t spoken badly about him other than comment to a few people that he won’t speak to me and I’ve found it hurtful. 
 

Bitter, angry ex I am certainly not. Confused and hurt as to why I have been treated like this? a definite yes. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Maybe he's secretly started seeing someone else at work and doesn't want to give her the impression that he's stil connected to you somehow. 

[Vekoma]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Since you lost weight & are doing other things to improve yourself his squirrelly behavior is probably due to regret.  Who cares?  Keep doing the good things you are doing for yourself.  

I admit, I’m still not healed enough to not care if he feels some sort of regret…..I’m conscious enough to realise and admit that I hope he does….

Don’t get me wrong, I am not reactive to him in any way whatsoever in public and in person. It’s ending those days where I come home and have a cry about it that I am keen to let go of…….kinda hard when I keep getting subjected to his behaviour on a weekly basis though  

[Weezy1973]

8 minutes ago, Vekoma said:

Confused and hurt as to why I have been treated like this? a definite yes. 

But you’re not being treated like anything. He’s an ex. You have no relationship with him anymore. And that’s how he’s acting. What exactly is confusing you and hurting you? 

[Vekoma]

4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

But you’re not being treated like anything. He’s an ex. You have no relationship with him anymore. And that’s how he’s acting. What exactly is confusing you and hurting you? 

It confuses and hurts me how someone who loved me and wanted a future can literally not stand to be in the same room as me, treats me like I am absolutely nothing or tries to run and hide when they see me…..

I’m being treated like I hurt them, cheated on them or did something wrong. I’ve done none of those things. To keep carrying it on so obviously in the work place is getting really tiring and is really hurtful. 
 

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, Vekoma said:

It confuses and hurts me how someone who loved me and wanted a future can literally not stand to be in the same room as me, treats me like I am absolutely nothing or tries to run and hide when they see me…..

I’m being treated like I hurt them, cheated on them or did something wrong. I’ve done none of those things. To keep carrying it on so obviously in the work place is getting really tiring and is really hurtful. 
 

The sooner you realize this is about him, not you, the better off you will be.

Stop giving him the power. Right now you are an easy target for him to just give you the attention he wants (or lack thereof) and because he is over this, don't think for a second he is not embarrassed or hurt by his actions. This is his way of dealing with it, his problem, his issues, but it does not have to be yours.

It is neither about him or you, it is about letting go. You will never understand why he does what he does. You are the one who needs to take your control and let him go. As long as you don't let go, he has the ball in his court, for great reasons it should not even be there to begin with. 

[Wiseman2]

Even though you're hurt from the breakup, please try to reframe things.

Instead of viewing this as him punishing you somehow, view it as his way of coping with the breakup. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

So, yeah, maybe he is avoiding you because he feels guilty for ending things in the first place. 

It could be that seeing OP makes him angry because it triggers his guilt and makes him feel like crap.  So he's trying to avoid her to not feel bad about himself.  

[ExpatInItaly]

21 hours ago, Vekoma said:

To keep carrying it on so obviously in the work place is getting really tiring and is really hurtful. 

But what can you really do about it?

 

[Vekoma]

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But what can you really do about it?

 

Nothing really other than just try and carry on. 
 

It’s really painful having to see him do this to me and not really understand why he’s behaving the way he is but I have no choice unfortunately. 
 

He did it to me yesterday……I was working on a computer minding my own business and he walked into the room to meet some work colleagues for coffee - saw that I was in there and told them he couldn’t sit in there and left…….I didn’t even lift my head, I just remain stoic and neutral. So he’s started doing it in front of other people now. What they must think of him I don’t know. 

[Vekoma]

21 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

This is ON HIM not you.  I would just ignore him as well:  no glances his way, no acknowledgement towards him, nada.  It seems to me this has gotten to a "childish level" and no lady deserves to be treated as such.  Just Move On.

Honestly it’s pathetic…..I just carry on with what I’m doing. They’ve all worked with me for 20 years too and know me well so I know he is the one who is making a complete idiot of himself. 

I just can’t really understand why he’s gone from being ‘cordial’ to this childish behaviour? The man’s 45 years old for crying out loud.

He had EVERY opportunity to fix this when he dumped me. I’ve never been angry or hurtful to him (ok I cried a lot) and even gave him the opportunity to meet me and ‘make friends’ so to speak.

I just have to keep on doing what I’m doing in the hopes that one day it won’t bother me quite so much. My poker face has had some real training recently I’ll give you that 

 

 

[Vekoma]

18 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

It will get better/easier that's a certainty it will just take some TIME.  You are obviously taking the high road which is admirable.  His actions are quite "telling" of what sort of person he really is at his core and I do think that maybe you will look back and be relieved that you did not marry.

Thankyou. 
 

I feel this whole thing would have been a little easier had he behaved better. 
 

Thing is, both of us are going to be there for a LONG time and unfortunately whilst we don’t work directly together he is going to have to see my face everywhere so I’m sure he can’t keep up this horrid dynamic forever. 
 

It’s really not pleasant seeing someone run away from you or announce they are leaving a room because of your presence. 
 

frustratingly, if this was any other colleague acting this way towards me I would be able to make a complaint about their behaviour. Unfortunately there’s a little less sympathy when it’s an ex 
 

[flitzanu]

4 hours ago, Vekoma said:

 

frustratingly, if this was any other colleague acting this way towards me I would be able to make a complaint about their behaviour. Unfortunately there’s a little less sympathy when it’s an ex 
 

you would file a complaint with HR that your ex boyfriend excuses himself from your location and doesn't speak to you?  

[Vekoma]

2 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

you would file a complaint with HR that your ex boyfriend excuses himself from your location and doesn't speak to you?  

Oh god no! I would never do that. Sorry if I didn’t word that clearly. 
 

It was more just an observation that if any other colleague in the workplace behaved like that towards you it would be unacceptable. 

[Alpacalia]

I can't imagine being broken up with because he felt like "something was missing" and then being treated like that afterwards.

It must be incredibly hurtful and confusing.

As much as it may be difficult, it's probably best to try and avoid him as much as possible. He may be trying to protect himself from feelings he still has for you, or he may just not know how to handle the situation.

You're going to have to focus on yourself and moving on, even if that means not getting any closure from him. It's not fair that you have to deal with this, but consider it a blessing in disguise. Would you really want to be with someone who can treat you so callously after 4 years together?

[Vekoma]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I can't imagine being broken up with because he felt like "something was missing" and then being treated like that afterwards.

It must be incredibly hurtful and confusing.

As much as it may be difficult, it's probably best to try and avoid him as much as possible. He may be trying to protect himself from feelings he still has for you, or he may just not know how to handle the situation.

You're going to have to focus on yourself and moving on, even if that means not getting any closure from him. It's not fair that you have to deal with this, but consider it a blessing in disguise. Would you really want to be with someone who can treat you so callously after 4 years together?

Thankyou for your kind words. Honestly his behaviour has been bizarre and hurtful to the extreme - it’s like a person I never knew and our time together meant nothing. The change in the last couple of weeks has been strange too. 
 

Callous treatment is a good way to describe it. I don’t know if it’s just reactive/rebelling against someone who’s continued to be ‘nice’ to him that’s made it worse? I don’t know if he is trying to protect his feelings or simply hates my guts? 
 

Ive since found out he has a wake of these ‘horrible’ breakups in his past. Thought I might be treated differently as 4 years is a lot longer than his previous record of 14 months but clearly not. 
 

45 years old with the emotional intelligence of a teenager I think. 
 

How hes ever going to find happiness I don’t know. 
 

Trying to keep my head down and focus on me. It’s just tough having to witness it all. Hopefully one day I’ll laugh at it

[NuevoYorko]

On 3/19/2024 at 12:29 PM, Vekoma said:

I guess I’m just wondering why post breakup it’s gone from cordial ‘hellos’ to blatantly running away……it just seems really odd when I haven’t done it said anything to warrant the change in how he’s behaving?

He probably thinks that you are intentionally crossing paths with him, and he wants that to stop.   I think you said that you don't work in the same room - can you change your routes around the work environment so the two of you can avoid seeing each other more?