breaking up

[sherman]

Hi,

 

I am 25 years old and me and my girlfriend of 9 months just broke up a little over a week ago. She is the first serious relationship I have ever had. I met her when I was trying to break out of a deep depression, having attempted suicide a few weeks before. After meeting her and getting to know her, I feel she gave me the motivation and the will to make myself a better person and to respect myself more. I fell very much in love with her and feel that I am still in love with her, but the way things were going.. the relationship just didn't feel right. I can't figure out what exactly was causing everything to sour, but I know I still love her regardless. We were very much in love with each other the first few months, always smiling and happy to see each other, telling each other how perfect the other is and how we want to spend forever together and get married and grow old together. And slowly petty little differences started to creep in and bite us. She'd get aggravated at little things I'd do and I'd get aggravated at little things she'd do and we'd always be at each other. We both decided to break up after I mentioned it one day, so it was a mutual decision. But I am having a very, very hard time letting go.. and trying to hold back the urge to go crying back to her and telling her we can work it out and I will try harder and try to be better so things will work, even though I don't think I did anything bad in the relationship. I am the kind of person who likes affection and the first three months the relationship was full of it, then it just slowly stopped. And everytime I would mention it to her she would get mad and not want to talk about it. She wants to be friends and I do too but I just don't think I could handle it. Especially what if she started to date someone else and I was still a part of her life, that would devastate me I think. But I also don't want to break it off completely, I care about her too much. I am so confused right now I just want to scream. Any advice please? Thanks in advance.

[Tony T]

What you are going through right now, all your feelings, etc., is perfectly normal. I also agree with everything you said, including the impracticality of being her friend at this time.

 

Every person who comes here has gone through exactly what you are going through now. It's not easy. We've all wanted to just dash back to our ex and see if we could rescue things. But that's not the way it works. The reason we date is to see just what will work and what won't. You don't force that sort of thing.

 

The biggest element of relationships is timing. When the time is right, you will meet someone and the relationship will feel good and you will look forward to being together for a very long time.

 

The biggest problem in breaking up is you remember just how great it was in the beginning. But things almost never stay that way. Relationships change...and many times they change to the point of just not being satisfactory to one or both of the partners. That's what happened in your case.

 

Take some time to relax and smell the roses. Be good to yourself. Don't run out and try to meet someone new. And don't pursue a friendship with the ex...for the reasons you stated. Do things with your friends, do things by yourself, do whatever makes you happy.

 

In time, you'll heal, you won't think about your ex anymore, you'll realize how right you were to part ways...and, best of all, you'll meet someone really nice for yourself. Right now you don't want to think about that but I promise it will happen.

[midori]

Tony's got it right I think. Break-ups are so hard, no matter how they happen, and moving on is essential. The fact that, as you say, the affection between the two of you slowly faded as the months went by is a good sign that your relationship isn't one that would have sustained you for a lifetime. It very likely wouldn't be any different a second time around.

 

It sounds like you went through a lot of difficult personal stuff with your ex and now that she's not in the picture you find yourself not only missing her in her own right, but missing the support she gave you. I know what that's like. I came to this site a short while ago because I couldn't understand why my ex (who broke up with me and says that he cares very much about me still) couldn't be there for me right now as a friend. I was missing the support and encouragement that he had given me and I was quite upset that he wasn't coming through for me on that front. But I see now that my expectations were unrealistic. Keeping connections to an ex in the immediate aftermath of a break-up (which can last for months or even longer after the initial break) is rarely a good idea because it keeps you oriented toward your ex, when instead you should be looking for other people to invite into your life. Depression and suicide are very serious things and I'm glad that you pulled yourself out of that period. Your ex was there for you at a vital time, but her role in your life has run its course. There are other people waiting in the wings but before they can enter you've got to stop looking over your shoulder at what used to be. Be glad that there is no hositility between you and your ex. Love her for who she is and be thankful that you and she encountered each other and are walking away stronger and better for that encounter. But recognize that who she is (and who you are) mean that you and she would not work out well in a long-term romantic relationship. That recognition might take a while to fully come. But until you have it, you won't be ready to even think of reconnecting with your ex as a friend.

 

Good luck. You're in a tough time right now and though it's hard to see that it will get better, it will.

[sherman]

Thanks so much to both of you for your encouragement and support. I am having such a hard time right now. I feel lost without her, and for the past week I haven't seen her one time. She called me this morning and begins to tell me how much fun she is having with her friends from work and she is going out with them. I am happy for her but it hurts. It's just part of the realization that it's over and she seems to be moving on just fine. I wish it was this easy for me.

 

When she called this morning I explained to her how I was feeling, trying to hold back the negative comments. I have some bitterness and anger and sadness that's all built up inside of me right now and when I talk to her I feel it starting to come to the surface. I feel betrayed or abandoned by her.

 

I told her this morning that I think it would be best if we had no contact for awhile because I need time to get over the relationship and she just couldn't seem to understand why I wanted that. She was saying stuff like 'whatever' and making it that much more difficult.

 

I told her that I think in the long run she will agree that this is best. I'm sitting here at work, a 25 year old man, crying and trying not to let anyone see me. I feel so horrible right now I just want to crawl in a dark corner somewhere.

 

She's the only friend I have had since we started dating and I feel so alone and cold now without her. I need to do something soon to help myself get over this. I can't take this kind of hurt much longer. It's affecting my relationship with my family and my performance at work.

[midori]

I'm sorry that you're having to go through such difficult stuff but you'll come out on the other side of this unhappy period with new knowledge and strength. For example, you say that:

She's the only friend I have had since we started dating and I feel so alone and cold now without her.

I think this happens to a lot of people when they are in relationships. It might just happen naturally but it's not good, for the obvious reason that should you break up you're left with no friends to help you get over the relationship -- as you know all too well. But there are other reasons why being so exclusive (even if it's not deliberate) is not a good thing. Expecting one person to fulfill all the social and emotional needs you have is perhaps not the healthiest thing, for you or for that other person. Maybe that's something to keep in mind as you begin to move on. I don't expect that I'll ever be able to be all things to another person, in fact I fully expect that a guy I'm involved in would have other friends that he still is connected to.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to create opportunities for yourself to meet people. I don't mean with an eye toward dating, you're probably not anywhere near ready for that yet. But make some new friends, get involved in activities, and start building a life for yourself from which you can derive some happiness. Once you've done that I bet you'll find that everything else falls into place much more easily than you'd imagine right now.

 

Good luck

[marzipan75]

I know how you feel. I was there exactly five weeks ago. The depression is an additional problem for you and since you have attempted suicide I would certainly suggest maybe talking to a counselor or therapist or someone who knows you that can just listen to you. My biggest support during this has been all of my friends. When I decided I wanted to talk about it and they weren't around, I joined this forum (and a few others!) and it helps. I would advise that you not call your ex because it will only bring you more pain.

 

When you think about your ex and how you still have feelings for her you are also very saddened. Why return to this? Don't make it harder than it has to be. Stay away. Especially if she is not calling you, you need to also take that as a sign that you two at least need some time apart. Now I know it's very difficult to fathom this right now but in some time, you will be able to stand back and look at your relationship from another point of view and then you will realize that neither of you seemed happy with the way things were going.

 

You said you two discuseed breaking up and the decision was mutual then you have your answer right there. It doesn't sound like the decision was made rashly and it also sounds like neither one of you was happy with the situation the way it was. Maybe what you need is time. Time will put things into perspective and yes even change people. Maybe it is meant to be but you can't concern yourself with that right now because it is too soon. You haven't been apart enough to know yet and wasn't that the reason for your break up in the first place? You said you were confused, so use this time to think about what you want and about what you need that you weren't getting in the relationship. I can tell you that I just recently started to realize how unhappy I was and how my ex just stopped trying in our relationship. Then I realized that I wasn't being fair to myself by staying in that relationship. He couldn't make me happy and I obviously didnt make him happy so why continue in that manner?

 

About being friends: Right now, it is most certainly not a good idea. The big reason is that you need to learn to be apart. Right now it is too soon to even think of being with someone else but you need to take into account that should one of you decide to move on and be with someone else one of these days, how is the other going to learn to function without the support of that other person? I've been there, my ex was not just a love but also my best friend and learning to live without that support and not be his support has been one of the hardes things I've had to do. But, it's been five weeks and I've done it.

 

You are going to have a rough time ahead and you need to expect that. I dated the same guy for 8 years and I know that after only five weeks of being broken up I have some rough times ahead of me but I am willing to take the chance of rebuilding my life, for me. I hear what you are saying, for a long time you needed a reason to wake up in the morning and she was it. I so understand this but I can tell you that it's not healthy. You need to go on, alone from here. Think of it as a start and not an end. And please, talk to someone if you feel you are going into a depression again because this is one of the hardest things in the world to go through and you need to give yourself a little more credit and think about what you want to do for yourself.

 

Remember, this is a really tough thing to go through but your break up must have been for a reason and I wouldn't go running back to jump into the same problems all over again. Give yourself and her room to grow and see where it takes you. In a couple of months things could be very different for you both and perhaps then you could try to regain a friendship but I wouldn't think about it right now. You need to experiece things on your own and she does also.

 

I hope that helps you at least a little bit. Everybody at one time or another goes through this sort of thing and it can be so devastating but it does get better. I can attest to that. Things will get better, you just have to give them time and give yourself time to adjust.

 

Spend time with friends and watch funny movies or check out comedy sights on the net. Do anything to distract you from the bad thoughts and your feelings will begin to subside. Sometimes just talking helps you feel a lot better about things afterwards and you usually feel like a big weight has been lifted from your shoulders. Go out for a walk and if you don't feel like being alone, then don't be. Call a friend or go over to a friend's or spend time with a family member. Talk to somebody on the phone for a little while if you can't do any of those or what about maybe getting a pet? Sometimes a pet can be the best friend you ever have.

 

Take care and good luck, I think you can do this if you just give it a chance. Don't be afraid to try new things, you may surprise yourself.

Hi, I am 25 years old and me and my girlfriend of 9 months just broke up a little over a week ago. She is the first serious relationship I have ever had. I met her when I was trying to break out of a deep depression, having attempted suicide a few weeks before. After meeting her and getting to know her, I feel she gave me the motivation and the will to make myself a better person and to respect myself more. I fell very much in love with her and feel that I am still in love with her, but the way things were going.. the relationship just didn't feel right. I can't figure out what exactly was causing everything to sour, but I know I still love her regardless. We were very much in love with each other the first few months, always smiling and happy to see each other, telling each other how perfect the other is and how we want to spend forever together and get married and grow old together. And slowly petty little differences started to creep in and bite us. She'd get aggravated at little things I'd do and I'd get aggravated at little things she'd do and we'd always be at each other. We both decided to break up after I mentioned it one day, so it was a mutual decision. But I am having a very, very hard time letting go.. and trying to hold back the urge to go crying back to her and telling her we can work it out and I will try harder and try to be better so things will work, even though I don't think I did anything bad in the relationship. I am the kind of person who likes affection and the first three months the relationship was full of it, then it just slowly stopped. And everytime I would mention it to her she would get mad and not want to talk about it. She wants to be friends and I do too but I just don't think I could handle it. Especially what if she started to date someone else and I was still a part of her life, that would devastate me I think. But I also don't want to break it off completely, I care about her too much. I am so confused right now I just want to scream. Any advice please? Thanks in advance.