Lalading Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 Currently both my bf and I are 20 still living with our parents as I am a full time student (in my country it’s normal) and my bf pays rent with his mum. My bf last year met some new friends age 28-24 who he regularly goes indoor rock climbing with (2x week). One married couple is quite well of and have a great business opportunity for my bf, and asked if he wanted to move in with them as it would be easier to build and put time into the project which they can store at this place. They have been looking at commercial buildings and my bf is of course really keen due to him wanting to move out of house as his mum can be quite damaging to his mental health. So far I’m happy with this happening and see it as an amazing opportunity for him, however recently I went to climbing with him and met one of the girls there. She is beautiful, and has all the same interests as him. Shes social, loves climbing, going outdoors, motorbiking etc. whereas I suffer from social anxiety, hate climbing (but have tried twice) and dont have interests in the rest really. I do love the outdoors and love to explore. I started thinking and felt like maybe im not the right fit for him due to not having the same interests and feeling like maybe I hold him back now and then from doing what he wants. Therefore I asked him if he thinks he wants a girl with those attributes which he responded saying hes not sure and he doesn’t know what he wants. Of course that really hurt me and confirmed the thoughts inside my head, that im not good enough and not actually the one he wants. I communicated this to him and then he backtracked saying thats not what he meant, all he meant was he doesn’t know if thats what he wants as he’s never experienced it before. This happened 2 days ago so it’s still on my mind. yesterday I went to climbing again and all the friends were there. The guy in the married couple was talking to this girl about how she wanted to be part of this business opportunity with them, which the guy encouraged. He then said that she can move in with them into the commercial unit. Now it’s important to note that the commercial unit is tiny and doesn’t have any rooms, they would have to build rooms and might not even be able to build 3 rooms. But im definitely feeling insecure and can admit to that. This girl is beautiful and single and shares all his interests and i know once he moves out he will have less and less time with me. I’m not allowed to sleep over at his place due to rules of my parents so wont be able to visit all that often and it will be quite a far drive. But beside that I feel uncomfortable with the idea of him living with any girl who isn’t single and when the partner will not be living there either. Theyll be sharing a bathroom, and they will spend more time together then he ever will with me. Currently I am also worried specifically about this girl because i met her friends who talk about being unfaithful to their partners, and shes the bestfriend of them. Therefore i dont know what morals she has and dont trust her. I will also point out I do have trust issues due to my bf as he hid gyming with and old school crush and his friends to me, hid a girl at work flirting with him (touching his bum and hugging him) and didn’t tell a girl he had a gf when I asked him to and more. So i do have some trust issues that he wont tell me if something happens and maybe he would be too uncomfortable to say no. i explained to my bf that im not comfortable with him living with another girl, which he said he understands but unfortunately it’s not up to him but his friend who will be buying the property and renting it out to them choice. What i don’t understand is why he can’t communicate to this friend that he doesn’t find it comfortable living with a girl? He and this friend has had this plan for a year and now this girl gets involved. Shouldnt the guy understand that people have boundaries and should ask the person aka my bf what he is comfortable and uncomfortable with before arranging more things? Am i in my head about this and should I just deal with this and move on? What should I do? The last thing I want to do is hold my bf back from this amazing opportunity and the opportunity to move away from his mum. But I dont think I will be able to deal with this and will ever feel comfortable with this living arrangement and think that maybe if it gets set in stone to leave him. Doing that means he gets everything he wants and no one is holding him back and it means i wont be overthinking every second of every day. I love him so much and dont want to do it. Am I overthinking? I also know that my bf would feel the exact same way if I moved out with another couple and a single guy, however I haven’t ever given him a reason not to trust me. Therefore we both have the same boundaries. What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Unfortunately If he responded saying hes not sure and he doesn’t know what he wants, it may be time to set each other free. Not necessarily because of the girl you're worried about, but his overall confusion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lalading Posted March 19 Author Share Posted March 19 We have been dating for 2 and a half years at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 16 minutes ago, Lalading said: I will also point out I do have trust issues due to my bf as he hid gyming with and old school crush and his friends to me, hid a girl at work flirting with him (touching his bum and hugging him) and didn’t tell a girl he had a gf when I asked him to and more. It sounds like these are the issues you should be focusing on at the moment, not the living arrangements. For living arrangements, I don't see an issue as long as it's not just the two of them and as long as he's not doing it instead of moving in with you (and it sounds like neither is the case). But I'm not sure why you'd be with a person who has such a long and colorful history of hiding things from you and hiding you from other people. I also think you need to work on your self-esteem - stop worrying about you not being enough for him and think if HE is right for YOU? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 You have some insecurities. That doesn't mean you are not good enough. Yes it will be tough with temptation under foot but just because they live together doesn't mean your guy will cheat. Have a little faith in him. this commercial opportunity seems a little pie in the sky. A lot can happen between now & when the place is built out. Keep your eyes open but stop borrowing trouble. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 34 minutes ago, Lalading said: I will also point out I do have trust issues due to my bf as he hid gyming with and old school crush and his friends to me, hid a girl at work flirting with him (touching his bum and hugging him) and didn’t tell a girl he had a gf when I asked him to and more. So i do have some trust issues that he wont tell me if something happens and maybe he would be too uncomfortable to say no. The potential female flatmate isn't the problem. The problem is that you don't trust your boyfriend. There's one of two things going on in the quoted, but without more information, it's still at chicken and egg stage. Prior to the items in this quote, had he cheated on you and you're now hypervigilant? Or were you hypervigilant when you met him and he's learned to not tell you things because he doesn't want to deal with your jealousy? If it's the former, then you need a new boyfriend. If it's the latter, I'd suggest therapy with a view to learning to accept honesty without reacting or telling him how to behave or what to do. Thing is, if a person is honest then you get more information about whether or not they are a good fit for you. But if they keep getting in trouble when they are honest, they will stop being honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 19 Share Posted March 19 Please trust your instincts. You're incompatible. Please don't beat yourself up or think you're just too insecure. He's making unilateral decisions with no regard to you whatsoever. He's following these pipedreams and his zipper to greener pastures Anyone who tells you "hes not sure and he doesn’t know what he wants", is someone to be very wary of. Please reconsider the relationship. Trust the discomfort you feel and your own common sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 3 hours ago, Lalading said: Currently both my bf and I are 20 still living with our parents as I am a full time student (in my country it’s normal) and my bf pays rent with his mum. My bf last year met some new friends age 28-24 who he regularly goes indoor rock climbing with (2x week). One married couple is quite well of and have a great business opportunity for my bf, and asked if he wanted to move in with them as it would be easier to build and put time into the project which they can store at this place. They have been looking at commercial buildings and my bf is of course really keen due to him wanting to move out of house as his mum can be quite damaging to his mental health. So far I’m happy with this happening and see it as an amazing opportunity for him, however recently I went to climbing with him and met one of the girls there. She is beautiful, and has all the same interests as him. Shes social, loves climbing, going outdoors, motorbiking etc. whereas I suffer from social anxiety, hate climbing (but have tried twice) and dont have interests in the rest really. I do love the outdoors and love to explore. I started thinking and felt like maybe im not the right fit for him due to not having the same interests and feeling like maybe I hold him back now and then from doing what he wants. Therefore I asked him if he thinks he wants a girl with those attributes which he responded saying hes not sure and he doesn’t know what he wants. Of course that really hurt me and confirmed the thoughts inside my head, that im not good enough and not actually the one he wants. I communicated this to him and then he backtracked saying thats not what he meant, all he meant was he doesn’t know if thats what he wants as he’s never experienced it before. This happened 2 days ago so it’s still on my mind. yesterday I went to climbing again and all the friends were there. The guy in the married couple was talking to this girl about how she wanted to be part of this business opportunity with them, which the guy encouraged. He then said that she can move in with them into the commercial unit. Now it’s important to note that the commercial unit is tiny and doesn’t have any rooms, they would have to build rooms and might not even be able to build 3 rooms. But im definitely feeling insecure and can admit to that. This girl is beautiful and single and shares all his interests and i know once he moves out he will have less and less time with me. I’m not allowed to sleep over at his place due to rules of my parents so wont be able to visit all that often and it will be quite a far drive. But beside that I feel uncomfortable with the idea of him living with any girl who isn’t single and when the partner will not be living there either. Theyll be sharing a bathroom, and they will spend more time together then he ever will with me. Currently I am also worried specifically about this girl because i met her friends who talk about being unfaithful to their partners, and shes the bestfriend of them. Therefore i dont know what morals she has and dont trust her. I will also point out I do have trust issues due to my bf as he hid gyming with and old school crush and his friends to me, hid a girl at work flirting with him (touching his bum and hugging him) and didn’t tell a girl he had a gf when I asked him to and more. So i do have some trust issues that he wont tell me if something happens and maybe he would be too uncomfortable to say no. i explained to my bf that im not comfortable with him living with another girl, which he said he understands but unfortunately it’s not up to him but his friend who will be buying the property and renting it out to them choice. What i don’t understand is why he can’t communicate to this friend that he doesn’t find it comfortable living with a girl? He and this friend has had this plan for a year and now this girl gets involved. Shouldnt the guy understand that people have boundaries and should ask the person aka my bf what he is comfortable and uncomfortable with before arranging more things? Am i in my head about this and should I just deal with this and move on? What should I do? The last thing I want to do is hold my bf back from this amazing opportunity and the opportunity to move away from his mum. But I dont think I will be able to deal with this and will ever feel comfortable with this living arrangement and think that maybe if it gets set in stone to leave him. Doing that means he gets everything he wants and no one is holding him back and it means i wont be overthinking every second of every day. I love him so much and dont want to do it. Am I overthinking? I also know that my bf would feel the exact same way if I moved out with another couple and a single guy, however I haven’t ever given him a reason not to trust me. Therefore we both have the same boundaries. What do I do? It really feels like a borderline situation, some would say you’re overreacting and you need to trust your boyfriend more, while others would find his behavior suspicious. I belong to the second camp. While there is nothing deal-breaking in him sharing an apartment with a girl per se, the way he handled that issue, his hesitation regarding what he wants, and the fact he hid stuff from you and hid you from others, appear to raise a yellow flag. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted March 20 Share Posted March 20 Have you thought maybe for one moment she really has no interest in him romantically? Even tho they have things in common she may not find him attractive enough. If she's that hot, she might have a desire for real hot guys that are out of his league. He may have a desire there, but it doesn't mean it's gonna be a slam dunk they will get together. There are two different personalites...one that just accepts attention as it happens, the other that creates it and encourages it. Which one is he? Link to post Share on other sites
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