1 Year later, new guy, still hurt by past. Why?

[Lila]

Sorry so long, but I would appreciated anyone reading this.

 

I have been with my new boyfriend, J, for about a year. Before I met him, I had gotten out of a bad relationship where a jerk named R really hurt me bad. R and I had been together for 3 1/2 yrs. He was my first love, lover, etc. Even though he became tempermental, controlling, and eventually started choosing his friends over me, I was determined to save our relationship. I guess I was so used to him and thought I had reaaly loved him.

 

While we were together, I had cheated on him by seeing these 2 other guys on and off for about a year and a half, even though I never slept with them. R had suspicions and accused me of cheating but never had solid proof. I guess I cheated b/c he wasn't giving me the attention that I wanted from him.

 

Towards the last few months of our relationship, things got horrible. I had a feeling that he was cheating on me, but was in denial. He started telling me that he wanted space but I didn't want to accept it basically. Eventually, he ended things by just not calling me. I found out a few weeks later that he had cheated on me and was involved with that girl. I was devasted.Ironically, everyone was happy that we broke up b/c he was viewed as a loser by my family.I felt so embarressed that I tried to hide it from my family and friends and just said that I had broken up w/ him which made it all much harder.

 

Eventually he tried calling me when he noticed that I was no longer calling him. I would be very rude and always say that I was busy and hang up. So for a few weeks he was calling me and telling me that he still had feelings for me but just wanted space. I told him that I found out that he had cheated on me and he denied it. He just wanted to have his cake and eat it too I guess. I met my new boyfriend J like a month after all this drama. But I was stupid enough to actually converse w/ R b/c I was happy that he was showing interest and not totally rejecting me. Eventually R just stopped calling and I tried to proceed w/ my new relationship which was hard b/c J had to undergoe the hurt that I was still enduring.

 

Anyway, a few months ago I found out that R is having a baby w/ his new girl, I was in shock and very hurt b/c I couldnt beleive that he had moved on so quickly.I have analyzed this whole situation so much and I am glad that we are no longer together, but I still cant' seem to get over that hurt and its a year later. And I do care for J very much. But I still get nightmares pertaining to seeing R and his girl and their baby. I still think about how he played me for a fool and I get enraged and sad and hurt. I undertsand that I cheated on him too, but I never left him for anyone, and thats what hurts most , that he left me for some girl, who is supposedly ugly and uneducated. I consider myself to be attractive and I just graduated college, so thats an even bigger blow.

 

Anyway, even though I have moved on and am in much better shape than a year ago, it frustrates me that the hurt is still not gone. I still feel betrayed and agravated.

 

I would really appreciate any advice, especially if you've gone through something similar.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I found out that R is having a baby w/ his new girl, I was in shock and very hurt b/c I couldnt beleive that he had moved on so quickly."

 

Let me be the first to tell you that getting a lady pregnant is by no means a sign that someone is moving on emotionally. It just means that one of his sperm worked its way up and got somebody pregnant...that is ALL!!!

 

Very often, people do all sorts of crazy things to blunt their feelings, including finding someone else, having sex, etc. As a matter of fact, his having a baby may have everything to do with an effort on his behalf to make you jealous...and nothing to do with desiring a child. Yes, sick, but it happens all the time.

 

Now, you made a grave mistake by starting to see someone so soon after your break up. You didn't have time to heal. So now, you've got to work with what you've got. My recommendation is to see a counsellor for help with this.

 

Otherwise, you are just going to have to go through the pain, which you should have done alone and spared this new guy of that. We all have to go through that at one time or another.

 

You also have to forget your ex. My feeling is that he is very hurt as well and doing things to play with your mind...even having a baby. Cease all contact with him immediately and don't ask your friends about him. Don't communicate with him. Get over him.

 

I just don't understand why you want to be so cruel and mean to YOURSELF. It's bad enough that there are other people out there who could do that to you.

 

If you were alone, I could give you better advice on how to heal...but you're stuck with another guy. Just be kind to yourself, stay away from your ex, and see a counsellor.

[melody]

i think we really never forget those who we first love or have loved. plus you have been together with him for some time. maybe it is hard to let go because of the deep emotional attachment you have and the belief that although he has moved on you still had the hope that he would be there for you. most of us never really get over our hurts overnight. if you are attractive and college educated it you are likely to find someone new which you have. one can never tell why someone chooses another person over us. it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of rejection and this can make you feel bad as a woman and question your esteem as a woman, maybe you would have liked to be the one having his baby and being together with him. i wonder if to put closure on this if you would feel able to talk to him and let him know how hurt you feel and also your feelings about your shock of him having a new girl and her being pregnant. maybe that might help for your healing what do you think?

Sorry so long, but I would appreciated anyone reading this. I have been with my new boyfriend, J, for about a year. Before I met him, I had gotten out of a bad relationship where a jerk named R really hurt me bad. R and I had been together for 3 1/2 yrs. He was my first love, lover, etc. Even though he became tempermental, controlling, and eventually started choosing his friends over me, I was determined to save our relationship. I guess I was so used to him and thought I had reaaly loved him. While we were together, I had cheated on him by seeing these 2 other guys on and off for about a year and a half, even though I never slept with them. R had suspicions and accused me of cheating but never had solid proof. I guess I cheated b/c he wasn't giving me the attention that I wanted from him. Towards the last few months of our relationship, things got horrible. I had a feeling that he was cheating on me, but was in denial. He started telling me that he wanted space but I didn't want to accept it basically. Eventually, he ended things by just not calling me. I found out a few weeks later that he had cheated on me and was involved with that girl. I was devasted.Ironically, everyone was happy that we broke up b/c he was viewed as a loser by my family.I felt so embarressed that I tried to hide it from my family and friends and just said that I had broken up w/ him which made it all much harder. Eventually he tried calling me when he noticed that I was no longer calling him. I would be very rude and always say that I was busy and hang up. So for a few weeks he was calling me and telling me that he still had feelings for me but just wanted space. I told him that I found out that he had cheated on me and he denied it. He just wanted to have his cake and eat it too I guess. I met my new boyfriend J like a month after all this drama. But I was stupid enough to actually converse w/ R b/c I was happy that he was showing interest and not totally rejecting me. Eventually R just stopped calling and I tried to proceed w/ my new relationship which was hard b/c J had to undergoe the hurt that I was still enduring.

 

Anyway, a few months ago I found out that R is having a baby w/ his new girl, I was in shock and very hurt b/c I couldnt beleive that he had moved on so quickly.I have analyzed this whole situation so much and I am glad that we are no longer together, but I still cant' seem to get over that hurt and its a year later. And I do care for J very much. But I still get nightmares pertaining to seeing R and his girl and their baby. I still think about how he played me for a fool and I get enraged and sad and hurt. I undertsand that I cheated on him too, but I never left him for anyone, and thats what hurts most , that he left me for some girl, who is supposedly ugly and uneducated. I consider myself to be attractive and I just graduated college, so thats an even bigger blow. Anyway, even though I have moved on and am in much better shape than a year ago, it frustrates me that the hurt is still not gone. I still feel betrayed and agravated. I would really appreciate any advice, especially if you've gone through something similar.

[Lila]

I am too angered at him to ever call him. He treated me like dirt and played w/ my emotions. I admit that when he broke it off w/ me I still loved him and wanted to be w/ him, but all that is gone now, especially since I actually found out details of his dirt. He had been cheating on me for months before we broke. I honestly think that the only way that I feel complete closure is if he tried to get back w/ me so that I could reject him. Iknow that will probably never happen, so I guess over time I will get over the hurt he cuased me.

 

I am definetly a communicative person that likes to talk to work out problems, but in this case, he is not worth it. He obviously does not give a crpa about me, so screw him. I just hate that I am still hurting in some ways. But, I guess all of us get our hearts broken at least once in our lives. Thanks a lot for your response, I appreciate that!!

i think we really never forget those who we first love or have loved. plus you have been together with him for some time. maybe it is hard to let go because of the deep emotional attachment you have and the belief that although he has moved on you still had the hope that he would be there for you. most of us never really get over our hurts overnight. if you are attractive and college educated it you are likely to find someone new which you have. one can never tell why someone chooses another person over us. it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of rejection and this can make you feel bad as a woman and question your esteem as a woman, maybe you would have liked to be the one having his baby and being together with him. i wonder if to put closure on this if you would feel able to talk to him and let him know how hurt you feel and also your feelings about your shock of him having a new girl and her being pregnant. maybe that might help for your healing what do you think?

[Artlover]

I agree with Tony here. I don't think you should contact him again and I think you should talk to a professional who can help you sort out your feelings. A month is no time to get over such a long relationship. A year isn't even long enough sometimes. It took me THREE years to get over my ex who I was with for six years. Besides, he was your first love, your first sex, everything. Give yourself a break. You're not superwoman!

 

If you really care about this new person you're with, see a counselor to help you sort out your feelings and try to take the time and space you need away from this new relationship to heal. If you're not really into it and just afraid to be alone, do yourself and this guy a favor and move on. That way, he can find someone who will be fully present in a relationship with him. And you can then heal properly so you can find someone better for you in the future!

 

I know this is all easier said than done. But I have a "pay now or pay later" theory about grieving. Either you stay alone for a long time after the breakup of a serious long term relationship and give yourself time to mourn the loss: cry, get angry or whatever. Or you jump right into meaningless sex or a convenient relationship to dull the pain. Doing the former means you can enter into a new partnership when the time is right with minimal baggage and an open heart. And that relationship has a legitimate chance to work. No guarantees, but at leat it has a fair shot.

 

Doing the latter means you will still have to grive only you have to do it with another person present, in which case it's easier to put off the grieving process until one day your former lover is getting married or having a baby with someone (in your case) and then you see the truth: you NEVER let yourself mourn.

i think we really never forget those who we first love or have loved. plus you have been together with him for some time. maybe it is hard to let go because of the deep emotional attachment you have and the belief that although he has moved on you still had the hope that he would be there for you. most of us never really get over our hurts overnight. if you are attractive and college educated it you are likely to find someone new which you have. one can never tell why someone chooses another person over us. it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of rejection and this can make you feel bad as a woman and question your esteem as a woman, maybe you would have liked to be the one having his baby and being together with him. i wonder if to put closure on this if you would feel able to talk to him and let him know how hurt you feel and also your feelings about your shock of him having a new girl and her being pregnant. maybe that might help for your healing what do you think?

[Confused]

'and thats what hurts most , that he left me for some girl, who is supposedly ugly and uneducated. I consider myself to be attractive and I just graduated college, so thats an even bigger blow'

 

Obviously someone who makes a comment like this is not going to have a healthy relationship with anyone. You sound so superficial and riddled with jealousy. You feel upstaged by someone else just because they supposedly don't cut it in the looks department like you do. Well, maybe she has a heart and can give your ex something other than what you did.

 

I think for you to move on and to be happy, you need to rid yourself of these issues and stop judging others. You will never have your emotional needs met if the only quality you look for are looks. You are probably hung up over your ex because he was cuter than your current guy, coz from what you wrote, he didn't offer anything else.

 

Oliver

[little d]

I have to agree with Confused. Nothing but pure jealousy and a bruised ego. Your mad because he cheated but you cheated on him twice for a year and a half and you also mention that it isn't the cheating it's that he left you. I say good for him. You sound like a very vendictive person and I think counselling would be a good start.

 

You where more than happy to go on with your life with J untill you found out R got his gf pregnant. Why would it be different. Jealousy. Your educated and beautiful how about the inside. Try not to be so superficial.

 

Sorry to sound rude but your holding on for the wrong reasons.

 

Take care

 

d

 

 

 

Sorry so long, but I would appreciated anyone reading this. I have been with my new boyfriend, J, for about a year. Before I met him, I had gotten out of a bad relationship where a jerk named R really hurt me bad. R and I had been together for 3 1/2 yrs. He was my first love, lover, etc. Even though he became tempermental, controlling, and eventually started choosing his friends over me, I was determined to save our relationship. I guess I was so used to him and thought I had reaaly loved him. While we were together, I had cheated on him by seeing these 2 other guys on and off for about a year and a half, even though I never slept with them. R had suspicions and accused me of cheating but never had solid proof. I guess I cheated b/c he wasn't giving me the attention that I wanted from him. Towards the last few months of our relationship, things got horrible. I had a feeling that he was cheating on me, but was in denial. He started telling me that he wanted space but I didn't want to accept it basically. Eventually, he ended things by just not calling me. I found out a few weeks later that he had cheated on me and was involved with that girl. I was devasted.Ironically, everyone was happy that we broke up b/c he was viewed as a loser by my family.I felt so embarressed that I tried to hide it from my family and friends and just said that I had broken up w/ him which made it all much harder. Eventually he tried calling me when he noticed that I was no longer calling him. I would be very rude and always say that I was busy and hang up. So for a few weeks he was calling me and telling me that he still had feelings for me but just wanted space. I told him that I found out that he had cheated on me and he denied it. He just wanted to have his cake and eat it too I guess. I met my new boyfriend J like a month after all this drama. But I was stupid enough to actually converse w/ R b/c I was happy that he was showing interest and not totally rejecting me. Eventually R just stopped calling and I tried to proceed w/ my new relationship which was hard b/c J had to undergoe the hurt that I was still enduring.

 

Anyway, a few months ago I found out that R is having a baby w/ his new girl, I was in shock and very hurt b/c I couldnt beleive that he had moved on so quickly.I have analyzed this whole situation so much and I am glad that we are no longer together, but I still cant' seem to get over that hurt and its a year later. And I do care for J very much. But I still get nightmares pertaining to seeing R and his girl and their baby. I still think about how he played me for a fool and I get enraged and sad and hurt. I undertsand that I cheated on him too, but I never left him for anyone, and thats what hurts most , that he left me for some girl, who is supposedly ugly and uneducated. I consider myself to be attractive and I just graduated college, so thats an even bigger blow. Anyway, even though I have moved on and am in much better shape than a year ago, it frustrates me that the hurt is still not gone. I still feel betrayed and agravated. I would really appreciate any advice, especially if you've gone through something similar.

[sarah]

Even though he became tempermental, controlling, and eventually started choosing his friends over me, I was determined to save our relationship. I guess I was so used to him and thought I had reaaly loved him. Towards the last few months of our relationship, things got horrible. I had a feeling that he was cheating on me, but was in denial. He started telling me that he wanted space but I didn't want to accept it basically. Eventually, he ended things by just not calling me. I found out a few weeks later that he had cheated on me and was involved with that girl. I was devasted.Ironically, everyone was happy that we broke up b/c he was viewed as a loser by my family.I felt so embarressed that I tried to hide it from my family and friends and just said that I had broken up w/ him which made it all much harder. Anyway, a few months ago I found out that R is having a baby w/ his new girl, I was in shock and very hurt b/c I couldnt beleive that he had moved on so quickly.I have analyzed this whole situation so much and I am glad that we are no longer together, but I still cant' seem to get over that hurt and its a year later. And I do care for J very much. But I still get nightmares pertaining to seeing R and his girl and their baby. I still think about how he played me for a fool and I get enraged and sad and hurt. I undertsand that I cheated on him too, but I never left him for anyone, and thats what hurts most , that he left me for some girl, who is supposedly ugly and uneducated. I consider myself to be attractive and I just graduated college, so thats an even bigger blow.

You state that he was temperamental, controlling, and inattentive. It makes sense to me that he would choose someone with less options, and less independence, to have a relationship with. Having a baby seals the deal. He can behave however he wants and she may be stuck with it. May be that you were just not as easy a target for the crap, and you did leave your options open when you were with him. Count your blessings.

[Sierra Sugar]

I think that if you were able to cheat on him then you can not be mad that he did the same to you. I don't understand how you can be upset about that he is with another girl when you did the same. It doesnt' matter if you had sex or not but whatever it was it doesn't matter.

[lioness]

yes...i too have gone through something similar...no baby involved though. for the most part i think you need to focus on the facts. first of all, it's over. it's so easy to remember and focus on why you loved this guy, but you have to remind yourself of why you shouldn't be together. if he's going to choose someone less attractive and less educated then it's probably his loss and your opportunity to find someone more suitable for you. as females, most of the time, we never realize our worth. and we tend to puta value on ourselves based on the fact that we do or do not have a significant other. that's ridiculous! secondly, he's having a child with someone else. ask yourself if you really want to be a part of all this drama? do you want to put yourself in a situation that is going to cause pain to this child's life? do you want to be that extra variable in the equation? try and think about this situation this way...were you not fine before this guy came into your life? imagine yourself a year from now (i know it's already been a year since you broke up...so imagine another one going by) being content with what is present in your life. imagine yourself totally dedicated to j...or even someone else. can you think of someone in your past that was very important to you at the time and now is just a memory? time is such a hard concept to grasp...believe me i understand. but you have to remain positive in your healing and whenever you feel outraged or overwhelmed with hurt you just have to stop yourself and think of something else. it's amazing how well the snowball effect works with negative thoughts. most importantly, if you care about j...you need to show him. try and empathize with how you may be making him feel. especially since you still allow r to be such an important part of your subconscious (dreaming about him, his girl, and this baby). well, i hope i helped...