Why should husbands do to prevent late divorces?

[Gebidozo]

A few years ago, a friend’s wife left him after 25 years of marriage. She said she suddenly realized she wasn’t feeling free, she needed to “get out of the cage” and find herself. They were in their 50’s and had two sons together. 

Another friend’s wife left him last year after 20 years of marriage, moving to another country and taking their two children with her. She said she realized their relationship had been dead for years. 

Another friend told me that his mother left his father after more than 30 years of marriage. When I asked him why, the friend shrugged his shoulders and said, “She just decided she didn’t want to take his crap anymore”.

Yet another friend’s wife filed for divorce last month, after 28 years of being together and raising a son. She cited deteriorating relationship during Covid times as one of the main reasons.

I personally don’t know any couple where the husband initiated divorce after so many years of marriage. I know some husbands who divorced their wives, but never after 20+ years of being together. And their reason for divorce is always the same - another woman (typically younger).

In the four examples from my friends’ lives above, the wives were always the initiators, it always happened suddenly (according to the husbands, of course!), and the reasons were vaguely similar - the wives had tried hard for years to make the marriages work, but eventually got exhausted and gave up. The divorces came as total, shocking surprises to the husbands, who were sure everything had been going swell. 

I’m not blaming anyone here, neither the husbands nor the wives. The divorces were absolutely devastating to my friends, and I’m just trying to understand what could have gone so horribly wrong that the wives simply couldn’t take it any more and decided to end such long relationships, and what can husbands do to prevent this from happening.

The pattern I see here is that of husbands being oblivious to the wives’ problems with them, not noticing the wives’ growing dissatisfaction and distress. The wives always pointed out that they’d been feeling bad for a long while and just tried to bear and keep going. The husbands, on the other end, were shocked. “She just suddenly did it”, “She want crazy without any reason”, “she just changed in a flash, it came out of nowhere”, they said. With one exception - the guy whose mother had left his father clearly stated that he’d been “giving her crap” and that she “couldn’t take it anymore”. I imagine that in the other cases, too, there’d been a long build up, a growing sense of impending doom, and what seemed like a blinding explosion to the husbands was just the visible effect of some last straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back.

Does anyone else see a growing tendency of wives divorcing their husbands after many years of marriage? What are your thoughts about that?

[Gebidozo]

I can’t edit the topic anymore, obviously it should say “WHAT should husbands do…”

Sorry🥵

[basil67]

I have known many older couples who are still married but should have gotten divorced.  In so many of these cases, divorce wasn't socially acceptable and/or the woman wasn't able to support herself, so they just kept living together.  But times have changed and divorce is acceptable and women have careers to keep them afloat if they go.  There's no reason to stick around in an unhappy marriage and this is why divorce rates are going up.

You wonder what went wrong....but the pattern you describe sums it up perfectly.  What can the guy do to stop this from happening?  Listen to your wife's concerns.  Be open to changing your ways if you see she has a point.  Be open to marriage counselling if required.  And don't be a dick.  

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

I have known many older couples who are still married but should have gotten divorced.  In so many of these cases, divorce wasn't socially acceptable and/or the woman wasn't able to support herself, so they just kept living together.  But times have changed and divorce is acceptable and women have careers to keep them afloat if they go.  There's no reason to stick around in an unhappy marriage and this is why divorce rates are going up.

You wonder what went wrong....but the pattern you describe sums it up perfectly.  What can the guy do to stop this from happening?  Listen to your wife's concerns.  Be open to changing your ways if you see she has a point.  Be open to marriage counselling if required.  And don't be a dick.  

Yes, clearly one of the chief reasons for the recent rise of divorces is the gradual disappearance of the stigma associated with divorcées, particularly women. And I’m aware of the alarming fact that at least some of those women are now divorcing their husbands because they are fed up with the husbands’ bad behavior.

My question is, what exactly is that behavior, what does it consist of?

According to my friends, their wives were incredibly vague when they told them their reasons for divorce. Those were general statements such as “I can’t take it anymore”. As I’m typing this, I vividly recall the face of the closest of those four friends, tears flowing down his cheeks, helplessly moaning “Can’t take WHAT anymore? What did I do? Why didn’t she give me any explanation?” when his wife left him in a seemingly abrupt fashion after 20 years of being together.

I’m not saying that my friend did nothing wrong. He probably did. The thing is, he honestly doesn’t understand what it was. And that is not an isolated case. I’m beginning to think that a lot of men are too complacent in marriage. They are too sure that their wives will just keep enduring everything and stay with them no matter what. As a result, they cease to see themselves through the eyes of their spouses, became unable to evaluate themselves objectively. 

Since the grievances of my friends’ wives were so vaguely expressed (according to my friends, of course! Unfortunately I didn’t have the chance to hear the wives’ sides in any of the aforementioned cases), I’d really like to know, at the very least, what are the most common behavior patterns in men that women find so intolerable that they eventually leave, or begin to want to leave?

To clarify, I’m not talking about obvious reasons such as infidelity or physical abuse. I actually have another friend who is a chronic cheater, and his wife still stays with him. As far as I know, there were no such instances in the examples I posted above. But there must have been something else that my friends did to their wives, which they perceived as being as severe and as deal-breaking as cheating or beating. And those guys have no idea what that could be.

 

[Wiseman2]

Nearly 70 percent of divorces are initiated by the wife. There's also the phenomenon of "Grey Divorce". 

Very often it's a case of a little too little a little too late. The wives feel taken for granted and try to talk to or connect to their husbands but it's going in one ear and out the other while they just coast along.

Sadly by the time an attorney is consulted, there has been a lot of deliberation and mentally, emotionally, it's over, but the husbands only see it as a wake up call rather than the final nail in the coffin. 

 So paying attention and not getting complacent coasting along may be helpful. It's not bulletproof, but it certainly could help stay connected. 

 

[Weezy1973]

My sister actually recently left her  marriage in a similar fashion and can’t really articulate the reason why. Basically she didn’t want to be married anymore. I think some of it is GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome). My ex brother in law is a very solid guy. But still not “good enough” in my sister’s eyes. And I think the lesson here is there just are no guarantees. You can be a wonderful partner and husband and your spouse can still leave you for really any reason. There aren’t any rules. Just live by your values as best as you can and let the chips fall where they may.

[Gebidozo]

4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

My sister actually recently left her  marriage in a similar fashion and can’t really articulate the reason why. Basically she didn’t want to be married anymore. I think some of it is GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome). My ex brother in law is a very solid guy. But still not “good enough” in my sister’s eyes. And I think the lesson here is there just are no guarantees. You can be a wonderful partner and husband and your spouse can still leave you for really any reason. There aren’t any rules. Just live by your values as best as you can and let the chips fall where they may.

Yes, obviously, there might be cases when the wife leaves due to her own insecurities, inability to be content, possibly for another man, and so on. I don’t include such cases in my questions, just as I don’t include cases where the husband’s fault is apparent (infidelity, domestic violence, etc.). As far as I can tell, the wives of those friends I mentioned had some real grievances with the husbands, they insisted that the husbands weren’t treating them well enough, they just didn’t explain what exactly the husbands did, beyond general statements such as “I wasn’t feeling free with him”, “He didn’t care enough for my needs”, and so on. 

I’m really wondering what exactly those guys could have done (because they don’t understand themselves what it was). I just find it so sad and depressing that wives leave after 20+ years together. I’ve been divorced / broken up with before, but never after such a long relationship, the maximum length was 7 years. Plus, those couples all had kids together, which makes it even sadder.

[Els]

In the cases that I know of, generally speaking the wife found herself shouldering the great majority of the childcare and household burden (in addition to the mental load of being the one organizing checkups, soccer practices, birthdays etc) while working full-time alongside her husband. And in those cases, they tried repeatedly to mention that they were overwhelmed, but the husbands seemed to think that their concerns were unimportant, while still expecting that their wife should behave like she did when they were childfree and young. Eventually, they started to feel like they were mothering not just N number of kids, but N+1 (with the +1 being the husband).

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

My question is, what exactly is that behavior, what does it consist of?

How long is a piece of string?   No two couples or marriage is the same as another, so this question is impossible to answer.

Quote

According to my friends, their wives were incredibly vague when they told them their reasons for divorce. Those were general statements such as “I can’t take it anymore”. As I’m typing this, I vividly recall the face of the closest of those four friends, tears flowing down his cheeks, helplessly moaning “Can’t take WHAT anymore? What did I do? Why didn’t she give me any explanation?” when his wife left him in a seemingly abrupt fashion after 20 years of being together.

It's not uncommon for women to vent to each other about marriage, and I've never met one who has a problem describing exactly what their husbands do which drives them nuts.  So I very much doubt there are significant numbers of women who weren't clear to their husbands about the things which are problematic.  Heck, the term "nag" was made to describe women who keep telling men what they are doing wrong.  It's a thing which women are known for!   Ironically, one of the things women do vent about is that the men don't listen, so I'm going to bet that your mate was told repeatedly but he didn't listen (or take her seriously).  And honestly, "I can't take it anymore" does not come out of nowhere and with no context.  

Edited March 20 by basil67

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m really wondering what exactly those guys could have done (because they don’t understand themselves what it was).

The answer is often nothing. Rarely is someone initiating divorce just going to acknowledge they’re leaving the marriage for selfish reasons and don’t really care about how that impacts their spouse or kids. We all have defense mechanisms and will find ways to make it the fault of the other party. Sort of like when people cheat they rewrite history to make it the fault of their betrayed spouse rather than just admitting they were selfish and don’t care about the impact the cheating would have. 

[basil67]

59 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

They just didn’t explain what exactly the husbands did, beyond general statements such as “I wasn’t feeling free with him”, “He didn’t care enough for my needs”, and so on. 

I have no idea what "I wasn't feeling free with him" means, but "he didn't care enough for my needs" would have been communicated by her asking for individual changes over the time of the marriage. 

I was divorced when I was much younger and the bolded sums up why I left. I told him that I wanted his company while doing the weekend grocery shopping (but he continued to stay home because he didn't want to go out)   I told him that I wanted help looking after the pool. (Nothing changed)  I told him I wanted to go on dates again.  (nothing changed) I asked that if he was going to be late picking me up from the train, to let me know before I leave so I could change/delay my journey (I continued to be left in the dark at the train station destination)   I did ask about doing something nice on a weekend (he finally agreed to do something just once a month!).  I asked for marriage counselling (he refused)  But when I left, he was in tears and couldn't understand.... and I couldn't be bothered repeating everything because I'd already said it so many freaking times, so I told him something along the lines of how he didn't care for my needs.

[FMW]

I divorced after 23 years.  In my case it should have happened much earlier, but I didn't want to be divorced (I felt a stigma about that) and I just got stuck in the inertia of getting by.  Unless you've experienced it I know that sounds crazy, but it's a thing.   People change, relationships are complicated and sometimes they just don't last, even after 20+ years.  It was clear my husband wasn't happy with me either, he frequently showed irritation with me and was repeatedly unfaithful. But he still liked the benefits of marriage - having someone else to manage the finances and everyday running of the household, always having somewhere to come home to, the stability.  I brought up the infidelity and other issues various times over the years and had a very honest and clear talk with him several months before I told him I wanted a divorce, told him I wasn't sure I could stay in the marriage.  When I finally pulled the plug he told me he felt "sideswiped", and was angry at me for months, dragging out the divorce 6 months longer than it should have been.  Why did he feel like it came out of nowhere after all of that?  I think he thought since I had let it go for so long I would continue to do so, that my remaining in the marriage so long was an unspoken agreement to stick it out.

A wife may have been communicating her unhappiness in many ways, including verbally, but the husband just sees it as meaningless chatter (and vice versa, but we're talking about women initiating the divorce here).  After a point, the feelings can die and there is no going back.  When that happens you don't feel like talking about it any more, it's too late.  In previous generations women did not have the financial freedom and ability to divorce later in life, and/or they just chose to stay in unhappy marriages out of fear of being alone.  That's not the case now, so the increase in women choosing to divorce seems like a sudden unexplained phenomenon.  

Remember you don't always know what's going on in someone else's marriage, regardless of how well you think you know them.  Only hearing one side of the story is just that - one side.   

[Alpacalia]

Women have always been the initiators of divorce, but there does seem to be a trend of more wives divorcing their husbands after many years of marriage. Men (typically) will stay in a marriage longer, even if unhappy or unsatisfied, while women tend to be more proactive in seeking change and pursuing their own happiness.

Women, in general, are now more financially independent and have more societal support for their choices, making it easier for them to leave a marriage that no longer serves them.

A lot of women become dissatisfied and restless after years of feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, or not heard in their marriage. She, has in her own way, tried communication, but a lot of time (like others have noted) her partner seems to have been deaf to her pleas or concerns. He cannot hear her or see her pain through his own frustration over losing control.

She eventually feels like an empty shell of herself and no longer has loving feeling toward the man she once adored. Part of the husband's shock when she files for divorce is because he was not emotionally tuned in. He may have felt the marriage was good or even great, based on how calm she was staying and not rocking the boat (because, when women "rock the boat", it comes across as 'nagging'). In reality, she was suffering and felt unheard.

I haven't been married so I can't really say how to prevent late divorces? I suppose checking in with each other regularly, addressing issues as they arise, and actively listening and trying to understand each other are key. Ignoring problems or sweeping them under the rug will only lead to resentment and distance over time.

[d0nnivain]

Preventing divorce is a shared responsibility.  Both partners have to work to keep the marriage fresh & vital.   Everybody has to do their share but you need some sense of what your partner thinks the shares ought to be.  Every day you need to reaffirm that your spouse is special.   One of the things we're learning to do is wake up, say I love you & then compliment each other about something in particular we really like about them.  Some mornings that is hard if things hadn't gone smoothly the night before.  Sometimes I get irked because DH repeats compliments or just mirrors back to me what I said about him.  Sometimes I resent that I have to start this exercise more often than not.  Marriage takes work.  

[Wiseman2]

Some divorces probably can't be prevented because there's too many moving parts to divorce. But making sure your own grass stays green could help. That means not making marriage and intimacy and everything else a chore.

Not letting yourself go. Remembering to try to keep the romance alive. Avoiding mom and pop ruts and forgetting what it was like when you first dated. 

[Gebidozo]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

I have no idea what "I wasn't feeling free with him" means, but "he didn't care enough for my needs" would have been communicated by her asking for individual changes over the time of the marriage. 

I was divorced when I was much younger and the bolded sums up why I left. I told him that I wanted his company while doing the weekend grocery shopping (but he continued to stay home because he didn't want to go out)   I told him that I wanted help looking after the pool. (Nothing changed)  I told him I wanted to go on dates again.  (nothing changed) I asked that if he was going to be late picking me up from the train, to let me know before I leave so I could change/delay my journey (I continued to be left in the dark at the train station destination)   I did ask about doing something nice on a weekend (he finally agreed to do something just once a month!).  I asked for marriage counselling (he refused)  But when I left, he was in tears and couldn't understand.... and I couldn't be bothered repeating everything because I'd already said it so many freaking times, so I told him something along the lines of how he didn't care for my needs.

Thank you for sharing this. 

My fiancée’s friend describes her situation with her still-husband in very similar terms. She is feeling more and more neglected. She says she’s basically only staying with him because otherwise she’d have to be a lower-income single mother raising a kid alone.

It looks like too many men take their spouses for granted.

[Gebidozo]

15 hours ago, FMW said:

I divorced after 23 years.  In my case it should have happened much earlier, but I didn't want to be divorced (I felt a stigma about that) and I just got stuck in the inertia of getting by.  Unless you've experienced it I know that sounds crazy, but it's a thing.   People change, relationships are complicated and sometimes they just don't last, even after 20+ years.  It was clear my husband wasn't happy with me either, he frequently showed irritation with me and was repeatedly unfaithful. But he still liked the benefits of marriage - having someone else to manage the finances and everyday running of the household, always having somewhere to come home to, the stability.  I brought up the infidelity and other issues various times over the years and had a very honest and clear talk with him several months before I told him I wanted a divorce, told him I wasn't sure I could stay in the marriage.  When I finally pulled the plug he told me he felt "sideswiped", and was angry at me for months, dragging out the divorce 6 months longer than it should have been.  Why did he feel like it came out of nowhere after all of that?  I think he thought since I had let it go for so long I would continue to do so, that my remaining in the marriage so long was an unspoken agreement to stick it out.

A wife may have been communicating her unhappiness in many ways, including verbally, but the husband just sees it as meaningless chatter (and vice versa, but we're talking about women initiating the divorce here).  After a point, the feelings can die and there is no going back.  When that happens you don't feel like talking about it any more, it's too late.  In previous generations women did not have the financial freedom and ability to divorce later in life, and/or they just chose to stay in unhappy marriages out of fear of being alone.  That's not the case now, so the increase in women choosing to divorce seems like a sudden unexplained phenomenon.  

Remember you don't always know what's going on in someone else's marriage, regardless of how well you think you know them.  Only hearing one side of the story is just that - one side.   

Thank you for sharing this.

I’m beginning to suspect that the wives of those buddies of mine have tried to communicate their grievances to their husbands as well. I can’t fathom why they wouldn’t listen or dismiss it as meaningless chatter.

 

[MsJayne]

18 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

My question is, what exactly is that behavior, what does it consist of?

I think sexism may be the answer in a lot of cases. Many men don't even know they're doing it, they unconsciously appoint themselves as the superior party in the relationship and their behaviour demonstrates their attitude no matter how nice a guy they are. Things like not taking their wife's problems seriously, minimising or even laughing off her concerns because they think she's over-reacting. I'll give you an example - friend of mine's husband is in the habit of spitting and my friend finds it disgusting. Spit all he wants in private, but don't roll mucus around in his throat and then huck it up in front of other people. It is a disgusting habit, but when she tells him how much it bothers her he just turns it into a joke and continues on doing it. It's this dismissive attitude, not taking the woman seriously, that eventually becomes intolerable. It can be a big or small issue, but being ignored on a regular basis eventually makes the unheard person emotionally check out of the relationship because they feel invisible and resentful about the constant diminishing. It affects women's self-esteem, it's a huge sexual turn-off, (think about all the married men you know who complain they're not getting any), and it negatively affects the whole relationship over a period of time. I even suspect that this may be at least part of the reason so many women go for the jugular in a divorce settlement, kind of their way of saying, "This is the consequences of treating me like I was inconsequential." 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

I even suspect that this may be at least part of the reason so many women go for the jugular in a divorce settlement, kind of their way of saying, "This is the consequences of treating me like I was inconsequential." 

One of the things I usually ask when people are telling the horror stories of their spouse is - why would you choose to marry someone like that in the first place?!??!? 
 

I doubt the majority of folks pull a complete 180 after marriage. If your spouse is a nightmare that ignores your needs, you chose to marry that nightmare! I see on social media tons of complaints but rarely to never a mea culpa: yeah there were lots of flags but I chose to ignore them hoping they’d change or; I was so hopped up on sexual attraction I didn’t really care if they’d make a good long term partner or parent etc. Baffling.

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I doubt the majority of folks pull a complete 180 after marriage. 

But there's a term for those who do:  It's 'bait and switch' and not as uncommon as one would like to believe.   

[Wiseman2]

Why would anyone marry, no less stay married to a sea of red flags? Actually people do change during marriage. Kids, finances, household humdrum and a host of other things that happen in addition to erosive things.  Cheating, complacency, letting oneself go, developing bad habits, etc. 

People take each other for granted and get way too comfortable. That's a major problem. Part of it is the "til death do you part" thing. That's not a license for anything goes, disrespecting your partner and your spouse is just like the furniture in the house that simply "there".

Edited March 21 by Wiseman2

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I’m beginning to suspect that the wives of those buddies of mine have tried to communicate their grievances to their husbands as well. I can’t fathom why they wouldn’t listen or dismiss it as meaningless chatter.

A lot of times grievances are more about incompatibility than a spouse actually doing anything wrong. Take “date night” for example. If one spouse wants to go out on date nights and the other prefers staying at home, neither is right or wrong. Whatever your spouse is doing is their best attempt to be happy. If you want them to change what they’re doing, essentially you want them to sacrifice their happiness for your own. And if you build up resentment because your expectation is that they sacrifice their happiness to be the way you want them to be, then I’d suggest you don’t really love them. And that you’re incompatible. 

[basil67]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why would anyone marry, no less stay married to a sea of red flags?

Low self esteem comes to mind for marrying a sea of red flags.   And what's worse is that a bad partner will beat that self esteem down even further, making it even harder to leave.  It's one of the reasons why people stay in domestic abuse 😕  Also, pressure by outsiders such as parents or church.

Reasons for staying:  Inability to speak up for one's self.  Lack of confidence.  Being under the delusion they can change.  Lack of financial security.  Lack of affordable housing (In my country, this is an issue pretty much anywhere which has employment options).  Not wanting to disrupt the children's lives, not wanting to admit failure, fear of the unknown.   Sometimes, it's better the devil you know     

And yes, you're absolutely right that people change during marriage.  And they change if they aren't married.  We all change as we live our lives and have different experiences.  I like to think we can grow kinder and wiser,  but some grow cynical and mean.  I guess it's a combination of who we are and what we see and how we process all of it.

[basil67]

35 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Take “date night” for example. If one spouse wants to go out on date nights and the other prefers staying at home, neither is right or wrong. Whatever your spouse is doing is their best attempt to be happy. And if you build up resentment because your expectation is that they sacrifice their happiness to be the way you want them to be, then I’d suggest you don’t really love them. And that you’re incompatible. 

Yes.  If both parties refuse to compromise or find common ground on date vs stay home , the marriage is in big trouble

 

Edited March 21 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

A lot of times grievances are more about incompatibility than a spouse actually doing anything wrong. Take “date night” for example. If one spouse wants to go out on date nights and the other prefers staying at home, neither is right or wrong. Whatever your spouse is doing is their best attempt to be happy. If you want them to change what they’re doing, essentially you want them to sacrifice their happiness for your own. And if you build up resentment because your expectation is that they sacrifice their happiness to be the way you want them to be, then I’d suggest you don’t really love them. And that you’re incompatible. 

A sensible solution in that case would be a compromise: say, 2 date nights and 2 stay at home nights per month.

But even that strikes me as… I don’t know… petty. If my woman wants to have a date night, then a date night it’s going to be. What’s the big deal? Unless I’m working or really sick or something, of course. But then any woman would surely understand that and won’t demand a date night when the man is working or sick.