Dumper doing NC

[grace2005]

Under what circumstances would it be ok for me as the dumper to talk to my ex?? She called me again tonight. I ignored the call. This is the 5th time. Does anyone think I should pick up the phone? I have never been the dumper before in this relationship.

 

She dumped me in late august and came back in november and then I dumped her last week. One of the reasons I did the dumping this time was because she wanted to move at a faster pace this time around than I was willing and felt comfortable with. It's not that she wanted to take the next step to marriage but it's just she's more affectionate sexually and otherwise than I am. Should I continue NC until she begs me to talk to her in a voice mail??

 

Whenever I meet new women I usually try to build a friendship for 6 months before moving on to dating exclusivity (if it happens at all). I think the same rules should apply in a reconciliation with an ex. Start from scratch. I found from past experience that whenever I rush things willingly then the sex and kiss and all that stuff is not special and it becomes cheap.

 

I remember how my ex wanted to make love to me the first night we met 3 years ago. As flattered as I was I'm glad I did not take advantage of the opportunity. I was actually concerned and suspicious. It is not normal to want to make love to someone the first day you meet them in person. This was the longest relationship I've had.

[grace2005]

I guess everyone is doing NC on me. Alright fine!

[Devildog]

I guess everyone is doing NC on me. Alright fine!

 

Keep in mind that it is kinda late at night, and a big holiday in the very near future. So responses might not be instantaneous there. I guess taking things slow only applies to you and your relationships, not you waiting on advice.

 

Even though I loathe the idea of rewarding impatience, here goes. NC is usually used for the purpose of trying to make the ex miss you, or more often, to get distance to actually heal and be able to move on from the relationship. NC is mostly a tactic used by the dumpee. As the dumper I am not sure why you are the one going NC unless you just want nothing to do with her, or...

Should I continue NC until she begs me to talk to her in a voice mail??

is that what you are going for? Have her beg for you back? If your goal here is to see if she will crawl on her hands and knees over broken glass for a chance to prove herself to you, I hope she realizes that you are not worth it.

[grace2005]

My ex showed up at my door this morning surprisingly. I did not answer. Good thing she does not have a key to get in. I later go out and find a note on the door that says "hope you had a good new year and hope all is well". I'm going on day 34 of NC. I'm not interested in any other women. I still very much am attracted to my ex. It's just too bad that she wanted to rush things when she came back.

 

Dumping her was a good move also because she no longer has a chance to hurt me by dumping me again. Maybe she feels cheated out of her chance to dump me again. I don't know. Dumping her was like telling my boss "you can't fire me because I quit." I don't know if she will try to contact me again or not. I don't know if I'll answer if/when she does.

 

I see nothing wrong with getting revenge on somebody. It is not against the law. I have every right to do that just like she had every right to dump me the last time we broke up. So I have every right to repay my ex by dumping her back and/or turning down the offer of a 2nd chance from any of my exs for that matter. She's harassing me by showing up at my door. I never showed up at her door when she did the dumping. Why is she doing it to me? I respected her wishes not to go over to her house when she said she wasn't ready to see me.

 

I'm starting to hate her for having the nerve to offer me a 2nd chance after being broken up 2.5 months. I could have gotten her out of my system by now if she had stuck to her decision of calling things off. It does not seem like many people on this forum believe in the revenge business and that's fine. I didn't believe in revenge either until 1 month ago. I use to be a really nice and forgiving person but not anymore. I hardened my heart towards my ex over time. Everytime I see or hear from her my heart becomes more hardened towards her.

 

Doing NC with her was the best thing I ever did. I may never know what her true motives were for getting back together with me but I'm rejecting her love. I'm more attracted to girls who treat me like crap and don't care about me so much. Maybe I don't want the right woman to come along. I'm at a stage now where I reject love & turn people away who genuinely do care about me. My friends don't know what's going on with me. They do know that I have not been myself lately. They know it's not like me to not return their calls or e-mails.

 

I have enough company with my two dogs. They don't judge me for my actions. Quite frankly I don't have to explain my actions to my ex or her family or anyone else. I'm sick and tired of explaining to those around me why I decided to end the relationship. I left out the revenge part. My ex does not know that my decision was mostly motivated by revenge.

[grace2005]

Does anyone think I should burn the love letters and cards that my ex wrote me when we were dating? I'm thinking about destroying all the gifts. Also why does it matter whether I was immature or not to dump her? I don't owe her a damn thing. She's an ex. I don't owe my exs anything. I'm under no obligation to be civil & mature at this point.

 

Just recently my love for her has turned into hate. The more I see or hear things that remind me of her the more I hate her. I don't care if she has changed for the better. It's a little late for that.

 

Let's get one thing straight. I don't care who I offend on this damn forum. Nobody cares if I'm offended so why should I care who I offend? I don't want anyone's forgiveness. I'm not seeking it. I don't want to forgive anyone who has put me down either. God has already forgiven us but I won't because I'm not God.

 

By the way being a forgiving person is not necessary for a romantic relationship.

[ReluctantRomeo]

By the way being a forgiving person is not necessary for a romantic relationship.

 

It's necessary if you want to be a follower of Jesus - check out Matthew 18 and the parable of the unforgiving servant.

 

It's also necessary if you want to have happy romantic relationships. You reap what you sow (Galatians 6, since you don't seem to have read this far in your Bible). If you sow humiliation and nastiness, you're gonna reap it.

 

So either put this girl out of her misery, kindly and gently, or take her back. But don't humiliate her.

 

And it's quite ironic that you take the name grace. You could at least be honest in your pagan values and change it to "smallminded", "pettylegalist" or "unforgiving".

[chocolate_boy]

Grace have you taken everyone's advice on this board and seen a councellor yet? Trust me you will feel so much better. Needing help is not a bad thing, most people do in life at some point. It just doesn't seem like you're handling this well at all.

[chocolate_boy]

I see nothing wrong with getting revenge on somebody. It is not against the law. My ex does not know that my decision was mostly motivated by revenge.

 

Also you seem to be trying to be religious, I don't know which religion you follow, but the christian bible condemns revenge, the COMPLETE version of a coined phrase is this:

 

"..an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth ACHIEVES NOTHING"

 

Also gotta say it, you seem to be hoping that ignoring her and doing NC on her after you dumping her is going to reconsile you and her.

 

This will backfire, there is only so much she will take before getting the message and moving on, then you'll lose her for good.

 

I suggest you stop all these angry postings, see a councellor, sort out your feelings for her, and when you're feeling better talk to her in a civilised and mature manner, if she still has any feelings and wants to try for a third time then consider that. If she doesn't then move on and let go once and for all.

 

Good luck.

[grace2005]

It's necessary if you want to be a follower of Jesus - check out Matthew 18 and the parable of the unforgiving servant.

 

It's also necessary if you want to have happy romantic relationships. You reap what you sow (Galatians 6, since you don't seem to have read this far in your Bible). If you sow humiliation and nastiness, you're gonna reap it.

 

So either put this girl out of her misery, kindly and gently, or take her back. But don't humiliate her.

 

And it's quite ironic that you take the name grace. You could at least be honest in your pagan values and change it to "smallminded", "pettylegalist" or "unforgiving".

 

 

I chose the name grace because I know God is a gracious God. I have already admitted that God is more merciful and forgiving than I could ever be. I'm still human. I have flesh hanging on me. I have read galatians 6. Yes I'm going to reap the consequences of my actions but that does not change God's love for me. Also christians struggle with forgiving people everyday. We never said we were sinless or perfect. God's not finished with me yet. Forgiveness is not something I can do overnight.

 

Also I have been very civil to her. I never told her not to talk to me. I'm just playing hard to get. I plan to play it cool if contact becomes unavoidable.

[grace2005]

Also you seem to be trying to be religious, I don't know which religion you follow, but the christian bible condemns revenge, the COMPLETE version of a coined phrase is this:

 

"..an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth ACHIEVES NOTHING"

 

Also gotta say it, you seem to be hoping that ignoring her and doing NC on her after you dumping her is going to reconsile you and her.

 

This will backfire, there is only so much she will take before getting the message and moving on, then you'll lose her for good.

 

I suggest you stop all these angry postings, see a councellor, sort out your feelings for her, and when you're feeling better talk to her in a civilised and mature manner, if she still has any feelings and wants to try for a third time then consider that. If she doesn't then move on and let go once and for all.

 

Good luck.

 

 

I'm not religious at all. I never said I was. What I actually said before is I have a personal relationship with the living Lord Jesus Christ. I never said I was perfect. The good news is that God's gracious even to those who struggle with unforgiveness. Unforgiveness will not condemn anyone to hell.

[grace2005]

Maybe I should change my name. The truth is I was more forgiving when I first joined LS. I'm just too lazy to go through the process right now of changing my name. I was very civil to my ex when I broke it off with her over the phone a month ago. I just said I don't things are going to work out between us so I think we should go our separate ways but I'd still like to be friends. Apparently she didn't think I meant business and apparently she has a problem of just seeing me as a friend.

 

My ex is also a born again christian. That's my number one criteria when I look for a date. The woman has to be born again or I'm not interested. Sure we can be friends but taking it to a romantic level would not be a good idea because we see the world differently. So even though my ex was born again we still had conflicts. Just goes to show you that even christians argue among themselves. We didn't argue about religion or politics though. Actually I"m going to open up a new thread soon on the dating section about dating someone of a different religion or faith.

 

I don't know what posessed me to come to LS to get help in fixing my relationship with another christian. It's kind of silly that I would seek advice from people who may not be christians on how to fix my relationship with another christian.

[grace2005]

I really should be going to a christian counselor or pastor to get help with problems in my relationships with other christians whether romantic or friendship or otherwise. He could point me directly to bible verses.

[chocolate_boy]

I'm not religious at all. QUOTE]

 

You sound pretty into it to me.

 

Now I'm not, I'm a complete 100% athiest, but whatever gets you through these things is good.

 

But please do seek some help, you need to let go of this.

[grace2005]

Also you seem to be trying to be religious, I don't know which religion you follow, but the christian bible condemns revenge, the COMPLETE version of a coined phrase is this:

 

"..an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth ACHIEVES NOTHING"

 

Also gotta say it, you seem to be hoping that ignoring her and doing NC on her after you dumping her is going to reconsile you and her.

 

This will backfire, there is only so much she will take before getting the message and moving on, then you'll lose her for good.

 

I suggest you stop all these angry postings, see a councellor, sort out your feelings for her, and when you're feeling better talk to her in a civilised and mature manner, if she still has any feelings and wants to try for a third time then consider that. If she doesn't then move on and let go once and for all.

 

Good luck.

 

 

I can't break NC with her unless she says the magic words: "I'm sorry I hurt you please take me back" When she dumped me and wanted to try again all she said was "I am willing to try again with you" but didn't beg or say sorry or anything else. If she really loves me and wants to be with me she'll put more effort into getting me back than what she's doing now. She's just making half hearted attempts at this point. It's not enough.

[chocolate_boy]

I can't break NC with her unless she says the magic words: "I'm sorry I hurt you please take me back" When she dumped me and wanted to try again all she said was "I am willing to try again with you" but didn't beg or say sorry or anything else. If she really loves me and wants to be with me she'll put more effort into getting me back than what she's doing now. She's just making half hearted attempts at this point. It's not enough.

 

This is just you wanting to feed your ego, if you really loved her and wanted to be with her you wouldn't have also dumped her. If you're waiting for her to come to you crying and begging, I don't think this will happen, I think you are losing her or have already now.

 

This is not really a bad thing though, it doesn't sound like your in a position where you should be in a relationship with anyone at the moment. Millions of people break-up everyday, most relationships end this way, you just need to see there is more out there.

 

Wanting someone to lose their pride and grovel, beg and "need" you is not a healthy relationship.

 

PLEASE Grace seek some help, you NEED it more than you realise. Having these obsessive fantasies of punishing your ex (I don't like my recent ex, but I wish her no harm or unhappiness), and trying to slice your own hand off with a meat knife etc.

 

I think every person who has read your posts on here would agree, you are in SEVERE need of some, please do it and save yourself and your relationship (if it is still worth it).

[ReluctantRomeo]

I don't know what posessed me to come to LS to get help in fixing my relationship with another christian. It's kind of silly that I would seek advice from people who may not be christians on how to fix my relationship with another christian.

 

Well, when my car has problems, I go to a good car mechanic, whatever his religion. If I'm sick, I go to my doctor, and she's an athiest.

 

I think counselling would be good for you though. Go see your pastor and see what he can hook you up with.

[grace2005]

You know it is very easy to make enemies on this forum. Don't come here expecting to make friends or you'll be disappointed. I can go elsewhere to find loving friends. But I try to keep my friends close but keep my enemies closer.

[pippen_2k]

How can you make enemies here?

 

Im guessing some one said something that you didnt agree with ?

[grace2005]

How can you make enemies here?

 

Im guessing some one said something that you didnt agree with ?

 

 

Disagreement is not the problem. The problem is the motives certain posters have. I seriously doubt very many people on this forum are looking out for my best interests. Especially women in particular like nikita20 and Jdub. They are enemies in that sense. They were hoping I would not get my 2nd chance and when I did get it only like 2 people were happy for me. Nobody else bothered to post unless something went wrong. Kind of hard to take advice from people who would love to see bad things come my way. Yes I'm very skeptical of the motives of a few women on here. I'm more inclined to listen to the males like dreamguy and lost_n_chgo.

 

It's as if the majority of members here are hoping I fail and hope the worst comes to me. But that's fine. I don't have to take them seriously. The ones I take seriously are the ones I know beyond a shadow of a doubt want the best for me and want me to be happy. I am willing to give art_crtic some credit though. He has done his best to help me on other threads so I give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Alot of these forums are toxic. People want to boost their ego by putting me down. They take sides with my ex for dumping me but when I dump her I'm considered the bad guy.

 

By the way I'm still in NC mode. It's been 41 days. Whenever I go out of the house I leave my cell phone at home. Sure I deleted her phone number awhile back but I still have it memorized unfortunately. I'm at the library now so the temptation is not there for me to contact her. If she leaves a message saying the magic words "I'm sorry I hurt you please come back" then I'll talk to her but I won't take her back. I'll be her friend at the most.

[CaliGuy]

Grace. People here aren't cheering for you to fail. They see you have a problem and you're in complete denial. What you are getting is people telling you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

 

The ones who don't want to see you get back with your Ex are saying that because of your motives. You are being VINDICTIVE and that's not a character trait of someone who's ready for a healthy relationship. What you are doing is not making her want you, you are forcing her away in another way. By being vindictive you are hanging on to resentment and anger. It's painfully obvious in your post as well.

 

I don't know you personally so all I have to go on is the information provided. But the fact you have me on ignore mode gives some insight as to your thought process. You think I am against you? If that was the case I wouldn't have bothered replying at all. I don't offer advice to people in the interest of helping them fail, quite the opposite actually.

 

You continuing NC and counting the days tells me that you really want to be back with her. But, you have given her no reason to want to mend fences with you. You've ignored her and now all she knows is that you don't want to talk to her.

 

I can almost guarantee you that the way you are using NC is not only not helping you heal, it's also not helping you win her back. Everything you are doing goes against logic in this case.

 

You realize you have issues and I personally think you need to see a Counselor. Since you don't believe we're here to help maybe talking to someone in person will convince you.

 

LS isn't here to create failure, it's to help create success FROM failure. Please try and remember that.

[honda12345]

Disagreement is not the problem. The problem is the motives certain posters have. I seriously doubt very many people on this forum are looking out for my best interests. Especially women in particular like nikita20 and Jdub. They are enemies in that sense. They were hoping I would not get my 2nd chance and when I did get it only like 2 people were happy for me. Nobody else bothered to post unless something went wrong. Kind of hard to take advice from people who would love to see bad things come my way. Yes I'm very skeptical of the motives of a few women on here. I'm more inclined to listen to the males like dreamguy and lost_n_chgo.

 

It's as if the majority of members here are hoping I fail and hope the worst comes to me. But that's fine. I don't have to take them seriously. The ones I take seriously are the ones I know beyond a shadow of a doubt want the best for me and want me to be happy. I am willing to give art_crtic some credit though. He has done his best to help me on other threads so I give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Alot of these forums are toxic. People want to boost their ego by putting me down. They take sides with my ex for dumping me but when I dump her I'm considered the bad guy.

 

By the way I'm still in NC mode. It's been 41 days. Whenever I go out of the house I leave my cell phone at home. Sure I deleted her phone number awhile back but I still have it memorized unfortunately. I'm at the library now so the temptation is not there for me to contact her. If she leaves a message saying the magic words "I'm sorry I hurt you please come back" then I'll talk to her but I won't take her back. I'll be her friend at the most.

 

Grace,

 

I know how you and how your ex feel. I got dumped a little over a week ago. I still miss him and i still love him. I respect his decision to end the relationship. I am willing to do whatever makes him happy. At this point, the only way to make him happy (or not upset) is to get myself out of his love life. That's why I am doing NC (until he is ready to talk to me). It's because I still love him. I do want him back.

 

Your ex probably thinks the same way I do. She knows that you are angry right now and any further contact will probably anger you more and hurts the chances of getting back together. When people are angry, they say things they don't mean, and they hear but don't listen. Your ex, like me, wants to avoid that. She wants to make sure when she talks to you, you fully comprehend what she is trying to say.

 

I know she has called many times without leaving a message saying sorry. Maybe she thinks that's too impersonal. Maybe she wants to say it when she knows you are listening.

 

I think most people in this forum want you and your ex get back together. They are just speaking from their experiences. However, some of them think a little farther ahead. Trust me, we do want you two back together cos that will give us some hope.

 

I think right now you should decide whether or not you want her back. If so, I think you should establish contact again. However, make sure you are calm. And don't ask her why she didn't call and why she didn't leave a message of apology. Break-ups don't happen everyday. When it happens, people don't usually know how to fix it. Some make it work. Some make it worse. But I believe most of them have good intentions. Love is a two-way street. I am sure both of you are responsible for the break-up. And if you two both love each other, you two will talk and make compromises and start everything afresh. Good luck

[grace2005]

Grace,

 

I know how you and how your ex feel. I got dumped a little over a week ago. I still miss him and i still love him. I respect his decision to end the relationship. I am willing to do whatever makes him happy. At this point, the only way to make him happy (or not upset) is to get myself out of his love life. That's why I am doing NC (until he is ready to talk to me). It's because I still love him. I do want him back.

 

Your ex probably thinks the same way I do. She knows that you are angry right now and any further contact will probably anger you more and hurts the chances of getting back together. When people are angry, they say things they don't mean, and they hear but don't listen. Your ex, like me, wants to avoid that. She wants to make sure when she talks to you, you fully comprehend what she is trying to say.

 

I know she has called many times without leaving a message saying sorry. Maybe she thinks that's too impersonal. Maybe she wants to say it when she knows you are listening.

 

I think most people in this forum want you and your ex get back together. They are just speaking from their experiences. However, some of them think a little farther ahead. Trust me, we do want you two back together cos that will give us some hope.

 

I think right now you should decide whether or not you want her back. If so, I think you should establish contact again. However, make sure you are calm. And don't ask her why she didn't call and why she didn't leave a message of apology. Break-ups don't happen everyday. When it happens, people don't usually know how to fix it. Some make it work. Some make it worse. But I believe most of them have good intentions. Love is a two-way street. I am sure both of you are responsible for the break-up. And if you two both love each other, you two will talk and make compromises and start everything afresh. Good luck

 

 

First off I do appreciate you taking the risk of replying to my post. I will try to make it worth your while. I understand what you are saying. I wasn't really rude or an ass with her when I broke it off. I was very calm over the phone and said that I don't think this is going to work out. I have played it cool with her. I don't know if she thinks I'm intentionally avoiding her or not. I guess I wanted an opportunity to pay her back for dumping me more than wanting a 2nd chance. So when she decided to come back 2 months ago she gave me a foot in the door to pay her back.

 

I'm a new person now. The old me was more forgiving and loving and tolerant. I have firmed up. The old me was very trusting. I'm not saying that she dumped me for another man back in late august. I guess the break up would have been worse if there was another guy in the picture but there wasn't. I didn't dump her for another woman either. I'm in the minority here because most guys don't dump their girlfriends until they find someone else who looks more promising. At least I dumped her & remained single since then.

[Jeniter]

Only talk to her if your feeling are right about her her calling you means that she still loves you and if you think it would workout give her a call and let her know try to make some changes Think!

Under what circumstances would it be ok for me as the dumper to talk to my ex?? She called me again tonight. I ignored the call. This is the 5th time. Does anyone think I should pick up the phone? I have never been the dumper before in this relationship.

 

She dumped me in late august and came back in november and then I dumped her last week. One of the reasons I did the dumping this time was because she wanted to move at a faster pace this time around than I was willing and felt comfortable with. It's not that she wanted to take the next step to marriage but it's just she's more affectionate sexually and otherwise than I am. Should I continue NC until she begs me to talk to her in a voice mail??

 

Whenever I meet new women I usually try to build a friendship for 6 months before moving on to dating exclusivity (if it happens at all). I think the same rules should apply in a reconciliation with an ex. Start from scratch. I found from past experience that whenever I rush things willingly then the sex and kiss and all that stuff is not special and it becomes cheap.

 

I remember how my ex wanted to make love to me the first night we met 3 years ago. As flattered as I was I'm glad I did not take advantage of the opportunity. I was actually concerned and suspicious. It is not normal to want to make love to someone the first day you meet them in person. This was the longest relationship I've had.

[grace2006]

Grace. People here aren't cheering for you to fail. They see you have a problem and you're in complete denial. What you are getting is people telling you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

 

The ones who don't want to see you get back with your Ex are saying that because of your motives. You are being VINDICTIVE and that's not a character trait of someone who's ready for a healthy relationship. What you are doing is not making her want you, you are forcing her away in another way. By being vindictive you are hanging on to resentment and anger. It's painfully obvious in your post as well.

 

I don't know you personally so all I have to go on is the information provided. But the fact you have me on ignore mode gives some insight as to your thought process. You think I am against you? If that was the case I wouldn't have bothered replying at all. I don't offer advice to people in the interest of helping them fail, quite the opposite actually.

 

You continuing NC and counting the days tells me that you really want to be back with her. But, you have given her no reason to want to mend fences with you. You've ignored her and now all she knows is that you don't want to talk to her.

 

I can almost guarantee you that the way you are using NC is not only not helping you heal, it's also not helping you win her back. Everything you are doing goes against logic in this case.

 

You realize you have issues and I personally think you need to see a Counselor. Since you don't believe we're here to help maybe talking to someone in person will convince you.

 

LS isn't here to create failure, it's to help create success FROM failure. Please try and remember that.

 

 

I'm not sure I do want her back. My love for her has turned into hate towards the end of last year. The reason I'm counting the days is because I want to see how long I can go without contacting her and how long it will take me to heal. I may be the dumper in this case but even as a dumper I can't heal if I'm in contact with her.

 

The day might come when I ask her to not contact me anymore. It still bothers me that she showed up at my door. The only way I can see us getting back together again is if she were to take steps to force me to talk to her and force me back into her life.

 

I"m not going to apologize for the fact that my religion dictates that I offer up a blood sacrifice from my own skin for my transgressions. It's the only way for me to feel better and relieve my guilt. That way I can keep sinning as long as I pay for it through shedding my own blood! I have committed an unpardonable sin that not even the blood of Jesus can forgive.

[jerbear]

The day might come when I ask her to not contact me anymore. It still bothers me that she showed up at my door. The only way I can see us getting back together again is if she were to take steps to force me to talk to her and force me back into her life.

Using force does not always get her back. Force should be used as last resort and there will not be love. Even if you believe in the Stockholm syndrome, it still might not work.

 

Even with Sun Tzu, the decision to use war (force) should not be made lightly.