Healing

[Girlstar]

Hi

 

Okay I will try to make this as short as I can.

 

I have known my boyfriend for about two years. We met through work. We became friends and one night he kissed me and told me he wanted more. I liked him alot, but knew that he had just started to date a friend of his. we will call her Jill. They hadn't been together more than a month. I told him it wasn't right that he had started something with me and hadn't offically broken things off with Jill. That he did the next day and after about a week, I went out on a date with him. Flash forward a year and four mo. It is about two weeks before graduation. My boyfriend and I are leading hectic lives as we cover prom and graduation and college stuff. Senior nostaglia is everywhere. My boyfriend went on an all day trip to an amusement park with his class including Jill. They had an especially good time and on the way home Jill fell asleep on my boyfriend's shoulder.He offered to take her home and on the way she tearfully told him that she had strong feelings for him and that she wanted to be with him and had since they first broke up. My boyfriend told her that he loved me very much and that he was happy with me. That night he was late to call me because he took Jill home and when I found out this was the reason, I flipped out. We had a huge fight and kept fighting for a few days. Guess who was open arms to my sulking boyfriend? Well bad went to worse and we broke up. I was hurt and mad and he was hurt and confused. Jill and my boyfriend started dating and continued to date for about three weeks. During this three weeks my boyfriend continually told me how much he missed me and hinted frequently about wanting me back. I was so proud that I told him that he had made the biggest mistake of his life and that he could never get me back. Finally the inevitable happened. I let my guard down and we fell back into each others arms. He was still "dating" Jill. He broke it off the next day,(remind ya of anything) and since we have managed to rebuild our relationship. He has profesesed how sorry he is and we are both trying to be better to each other. My problem lies with Jill. I hate her. When she walks into the room I seriously want to slam her face into my knee. Although you won't believe me now, I am not a violent person. I am actually quite passive. I also constantly compare myself to her. Although I know that I far surpass her in physical appearence and morals, I still questions all of the interest my boyfriend had in her. I feel like Jill stomped on me. She disrespected me where I respected her. She was upset over my boyfriend ending it, but I feel like she should apologize to him for being such a crappy friend and that she should apologize to me for being such a crappy person. I feel this hate has started to consume me and I would like to forget about Jill and her lack of morals. Is this normal? How do I feel better about this? Any advice is appreciated!

[BeenThere]

Hi Okay I will try to make this as short as I can. I have known my boyfriend for about two years. We met through work. We became friends and one night he kissed me and told me he wanted more. I liked him alot, but knew that he had just started to date a friend of his. we will call her Jill. They hadn't been together more than a month. I told him it wasn't right that he had started something with me and hadn't offically broken things off with Jill. That he did the next day and after about a week, I went out on a date with him. Flash forward a year and four mo. It is about two weeks before graduation. My boyfriend and I are leading hectic lives as we cover prom and graduation and college stuff. Senior nostaglia is everywhere. My boyfriend went on an all day trip to an amusement park with his class including Jill. They had an especially good time and on the way home Jill fell asleep on my boyfriend's shoulder.He offered to take her home and on the way she tearfully told him that she had strong feelings for him and that she wanted to be with him and had since they first broke up. My boyfriend told her that he loved me very much and that he was happy with me. That night he was late to call me because he took Jill home and when I found out this was the reason, I flipped out. We had a huge fight and kept fighting for a few days. Guess who was open arms to my sulking boyfriend? Well bad went to worse and we broke up. I was hurt and mad and he was hurt and confused. Jill and my boyfriend started dating and continued to date for about three weeks. During this three weeks my boyfriend continually told me how much he missed me and hinted frequently about wanting me back. I was so proud that I told him that he had made the biggest mistake of his life and that he could never get me back. Finally the inevitable happened. I let my guard down and we fell back into each others arms. He was still "dating" Jill. He broke it off the next day,(remind ya of anything) and since we have managed to rebuild our relationship. He has profesesed how sorry he is and we are both trying to be better to each other. My problem lies with Jill. I hate her. When she walks into the room I seriously want to slam her face into my knee. Although you won't believe me now, I am not a violent person. I am actually quite passive. I also constantly compare myself to her. Although I know that I far surpass her in physical appearence and morals, I still questions all of the interest my boyfriend had in her. I feel like Jill stomped on me. She disrespected me where I respected her. She was upset over my boyfriend ending it, but I feel like she should apologize to him for being such a crappy friend and that she should apologize to me for being such a crappy person. I feel this hate has started to consume me and I would like to forget about Jill and her lack of morals. Is this normal? How do I feel better about this? Any advice is appreciated!

[BeenThere]

Girlstar, remember when "you" were the other women who took the guy away from Jill? Like they say, what goes around comes around, and I wouldn't be surprised if Jill had the same resentment towards you. The fact is, Jill isn't the one who's disrespecting you. Your boyfriend is...both of you. He's playing you both and somehow has you believing he's the victim here.

 

Perhaps you two girls should stop being angry at each other and put the blame where it belongs. This is the one time when dropping your end of the tug-o-war rope will make you the winner. He's no prize!

Hi Okay I will try to make this as short as I can. I have known my boyfriend for about two years. We met through work. We became friends and one night he kissed me and told me he wanted more. I liked him alot, but knew that he had just started to date a friend of his. we will call her Jill. They hadn't been together more than a month. I told him it wasn't right that he had started something with me and hadn't offically broken things off with Jill. That he did the next day and after about a week, I went out on a date with him. Flash forward a year and four mo. It is about two weeks before graduation. My boyfriend and I are leading hectic lives as we cover prom and graduation and college stuff. Senior nostaglia is everywhere. My boyfriend went on an all day trip to an amusement park with his class including Jill. They had an especially good time and on the way home Jill fell asleep on my boyfriend's shoulder.He offered to take her home and on the way she tearfully told him that she had strong feelings for him and that she wanted to be with him and had since they first broke up. My boyfriend told her that he loved me very much and that he was happy with me. That night he was late to call me because he took Jill home and when I found out this was the reason, I flipped out. We had a huge fight and kept fighting for a few days. Guess who was open arms to my sulking boyfriend? Well bad went to worse and we broke up. I was hurt and mad and he was hurt and confused. Jill and my boyfriend started dating and continued to date for about three weeks. During this three weeks my boyfriend continually told me how much he missed me and hinted frequently about wanting me back. I was so proud that I told him that he had made the biggest mistake of his life and that he could never get me back. Finally the inevitable happened. I let my guard down and we fell back into each others arms. He was still "dating" Jill. He broke it off the next day,(remind ya of anything) and since we have managed to rebuild our relationship. He has profesesed how sorry he is and we are both trying to be better to each other. My problem lies with Jill. I hate her. When she walks into the room I seriously want to slam her face into my knee. Although you won't believe me now, I am not a violent person. I am actually quite passive. I also constantly compare myself to her. Although I know that I far surpass her in physical appearence and morals, I still questions all of the interest my boyfriend had in her. I feel like Jill stomped on me. She disrespected me where I respected her. She was upset over my boyfriend ending it, but I feel like she should apologize to him for being such a crappy friend and that she should apologize to me for being such a crappy person. I feel this hate has started to consume me and I would like to forget about Jill and her lack of morals. Is this normal? How do I feel better about this? Any advice is appreciated!

[sparkle]

but

I feel like she should apologize to him for being such a crappy friend and that she should apologize to me for being such a crappy person.

If you think she owes YOU an apology for being such a "CRAPPY PERSON", you must be out of your mind!!!

 

Forget about her!!!! Jeez. She has nothing to do with you.

 

You're the one that's keeping her in your life by letting yourself hate her. Just forget about her, and ignore her.

 

You don't have any reason to hate her. She didn't do anything wrong to you.

 

And your boyfriend is a big boy. He wouldn't talk to a girl that he was not interested in, even if she threw herself at him. So if she keeps wanting to stay in the picture, it's up to your boyfriend to make it clear to her that he's not interested. It's none of your business.

 

And if you think there is still something going on between your boyfriend and her, then break up with him. Find someone who isn't being chased by the girl you hate.

[marzipan75]

Jill may have some moral issues but you and your boyfriend need to leave her alone. It sounds like your problem lies in the friendship that still exists between Jill and your bf. You also need to hold your bf responsible in some of this and not just Jill. He broke up w/her to be w/you and then did the same thing to you, do you see a pattern forming here? I do. As long as you two are fighting over this guy he is going to continue to revel in it. I'm not saying that you should be selfish and ask your bf to make a choice between his friendship w/Jill and his relationship w/you but in a sense isn't that what you are wanting to do?

 

Also,

 

I don't exactly see how she disrespected you because she only told your bf the truth about how she felt about him and his reaction was that he didn't exactly feel the same way. I think that for one thing he was confused and maybe you played right into her court (if that was her intention) by getting jealous and reacting the way you did. Your bf was honest with you but I don't think he was exactly honest, I think maybe he was confused too when he heard from her and he maybe had some feelings for her. So your anger should not exactly lie w/her but also w/your bf.

 

You need to talk to him. Leave Jill alone. If she comes into the picture then you need to stay away from her and talk to your bf about why she is still in the picture. I don't want to tell you to force him to make a choice because that is a very tough call to make. You have to talk to your bf and voice your insecurities about this issue and realize also that your insecurity lies with him and not with Jill. You are totally in the right to feel insecure about this entire situation because it sounds extremely confusing and the way he has bounced back and fourth between the two of you is a little disturbing. It sounds like he's dealt with some of this confusion but you still need to deal with yours. He has all the doing here, not necessarily Jill. And it is hard to like someone that your bf used to date and yes in a way she did not respect you when she told him about her feelings for him but at the same time your bf didn't either if he broke up w/you and took up with her so soon after.

 

You need to think about what you want from him. I don't know that it's fair to ask him not to remain friends with her however it's not exactly fair to you if he does either.

 

Good luck, I hope this has helped you think about things at least.

Hi Okay I will try to make this as short as I can. I have known my boyfriend for about two years. We met through work. We became friends and one night he kissed me and told me he wanted more. I liked him alot, but knew that he had just started to date a friend of his. we will call her Jill. They hadn't been together more than a month. I told him it wasn't right that he had started something with me and hadn't offically broken things off with Jill. That he did the next day and after about a week, I went out on a date with him. Flash forward a year and four mo. It is about two weeks before graduation. My boyfriend and I are leading hectic lives as we cover prom and graduation and college stuff. Senior nostaglia is everywhere. My boyfriend went on an all day trip to an amusement park with his class including Jill. They had an especially good time and on the way home Jill fell asleep on my boyfriend's shoulder.He offered to take her home and on the way she tearfully told him that she had strong feelings for him and that she wanted to be with him and had since they first broke up. My boyfriend told her that he loved me very much and that he was happy with me. That night he was late to call me because he took Jill home and when I found out this was the reason, I flipped out. We had a huge fight and kept fighting for a few days. Guess who was open arms to my sulking boyfriend? Well bad went to worse and we broke up. I was hurt and mad and he was hurt and confused. Jill and my boyfriend started dating and continued to date for about three weeks. During this three weeks my boyfriend continually told me how much he missed me and hinted frequently about wanting me back. I was so proud that I told him that he had made the biggest mistake of his life and that he could never get me back. Finally the inevitable happened. I let my guard down and we fell back into each others arms. He was still "dating" Jill. He broke it off the next day,(remind ya of anything) and since we have managed to rebuild our relationship. He has profesesed how sorry he is and we are both trying to be better to each other. My problem lies with Jill. I hate her. When she walks into the room I seriously want to slam her face into my knee. Although you won't believe me now, I am not a violent person. I am actually quite passive. I also constantly compare myself to her. Although I know that I far surpass her in physical appearence and morals, I still questions all of the interest my boyfriend had in her. I feel like Jill stomped on me. She disrespected me where I respected her. She was upset over my boyfriend ending it, but I feel like she should apologize to him for being such a crappy friend and that she should apologize to me for being such a crappy person. I feel this hate has started to consume me and I would like to forget about Jill and her lack of morals. Is this normal? How do I feel better about this? Any advice is appreciated!

[midori]

Oh wow, this isn't a good situation. I think I'd feel much the same as you do if I were in your shoes. The way I see it, the problem lies not so much in what Jill did (was she ever pretending to be your friend? Did she force your bf to turn to her when you and he were fighting?) but in what she now represents: a person who would be only too happy to see you and your bf break up. I suppose that's always been the case but it only came to light on the bus home from the amusement park. Now that you and your boyfriend are both fully aware of where she stands, I think that you ought to agree that Jill must be eliminated from both of your lives. It sounds like she wasn't really in your life anyway so this shouldn't be a big deal for you. And hopefully your boyfriend has enough sense to recognize that Jill is harmful to his relationship with you and is staying away from her as well. Nevertheless it might help you feel calmer about the situation if you and your bf can openly agree on this point, and you both do whatever you can to reduce contact with her as much as possible. For the record, this means that your boyfriend neither calls her nor accepts calls from her, ditto for email, that you avoid small group gatherings to which she is invited, that you don't invite her to anything you're organizing. And that, if confronted by Jill about it, your boyfriend will tell her directly that given the circumstances there's no way a friendship of any kind between them will be possible and that he wishes her well, but well away from him. In short, he makes it clear to Jill beyond a shadow of a doubt that he has made his choice (you) and that he's not going to allow anything to jeopardize his relationship with you.

 

Asking your boyfriend to cut all ties with Jill might seem extreme, but you are understandably unsettled by her. Not only that, but if Jill hasn't yet discerned that she has no hope of ever getting back together with your bf then she'll be needlessly carrying the torch for him when she should be moving on, something she'll have to do sooner or later. I'm not suggesting that he be nasty to her -- nor should you. But he needs to make things very clear so that you can have the assurance you need, Jill can understand the way things really are, and he can focus on his relationship with you. Don't gloat, it will only make you look petty and vindictive. Jill must be hurting a lot right now: she's been dumped twice by your bf, both times for you. She probably really liked him a lot. The reason you and your boyfriend ought to keep clear of her is not to punish her (not your place to do and she's already hurting) but to free yourselves from her shadow. And to give her the opportunity to move on. I really can sympathize with how you must feel. But try to have some compassion for the twice-dumped Jill.