Dating a medical student L/D... must I let her go?

[1smartone]

My girlfriend is trying to keep her 'head above water' working, studying, interning 23hrs/day, 7 days a week...

 

And she has no time for me until summer 2007 when she'll graduate.

 

I'm 31, living on the east coast, working on a dedicated career path in city government. My (ex) girlfriend is 28, living in San Francisco, and studying Chinese medicine. She is from Taiwan. Because she cannot find a similar curriculum offered anywhere around me (literally, taught in the chinese language), she cannot move here until she's finished.

 

We met through friends... it all started innocently via a silly phone introduction... we've only spent a total of 4 weeks together, but literally hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of hours on the phone (or webcam!) in the past 9 months.

 

I love her, but I am aware that I will not really *know* our potential as a couple until she and I can live together. She and I have some very basic differences (culture, personality); and painful misunderstandings can occur when we don't have time to properly address and explore them. But when allowed that development time to discuss and resolve these differences, the two of us share a gratifying and beautiful rapport which until, a few months ago, made me feel I this would be the last girl I ever date.

 

Our relationship had just passed initial stages of *love glow* and was moving into a *stable, supportive* proper love when her parents decided "no more financial support". She really freaked out... suddenly, she realized she might lose everything and have to leave the US entirely. So she started working, working, working just to make ends meet... she apologized many times, but asked me if we could put our romance on hold until she finishes school! She wants a future with me, but just as everyone tells me; Chinese medicine study, not unlike western medical school residencies, becomes Hell. Few relationships last due to the demands of studying, working, interning... and now she's working to pay rent/food at every free moment.

 

I don't know what to do.

We have no time for *us* now. She loves me, I love her, but her priority is on studying/surviving. The more I resist, the more painful it becomes for me. Helping her financially is out of the question -- she wants to do this on her own; her previous boyfriend suprised her one day when after several years he kicked her out of "his" apartment.

 

She simply cannot give the two of us any "quality time" anymore; while brief holes pop up in her schedule during the week, her opportunities for meaningful relationship development time are infrequent, and visits are too hard to schedule.

 

So I have tried to let her go... she wants to keep contact, but I told her I can't be 'just friends' right away... so it's been two months and until yesterday we'd exchanged only brief holiday greetings in txt messages. Talking for the first time since October, yesterday (I called), she still expresses hope for our future... but I've been trying to decide whether N/C is really the better course of action.. only I feel it would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

 

I know this post is long...

I know there are narrative holes...

 

...I just hate feeling so powerless. On the one hand, I can't fathom carrying this kind of committed relationship, on my shoulders alone for the next two years, at this distance ... on the other side, my heart can't imagine simply letting go ... when it seems like circumstances, timing, are the only reason we shouldn't be together.

 

Anyone had a similar experience?

Advice?

[Outcast]

A couple of years can pass startlingly rapidly. People who are gems are as rare as the mineral sorts.

 

Neither of you is approaching your dotage so if your heart yearns for her and hers for you, why not continue however you can? You surely get vacation time; even if she can't spend a lot of time with you when you visit you can at least see each other. Since you're both busy, the two years and a bit will fly by.

[Becoming]

Will her schedule really get better upon graduation, or will you be the proverbial dr's wife who never sees his spouse and basically lives alone with whatever schedule scraps fall from her table?

 

And are you good with that possibility?

[1smartone]

Quoted from writer Outcast:

> You surely get vacation time; even if she can't spend a lot of time with

> you when you visit you can at least see each other. Since you're both

> busy, the two years and a bit will fly by.

 

Thank you for your response: she and I both recognize that seasonal vacations are not enough. In between these visits, I need my girlfriend to take some responsibility for her role in the relationship and make time to talk about differences that come up. With her hectic, relentless schedule, I feel totally out of control when she puts up resistence every time I try to offer advice or participation... even trying to schedule these discussions, she insists she can't give me a regular slot to talk for several hours, once every week-or-two in her schedule.

 

"Wait for me. All I can give you now is love, but wait for me. We can be together when I finish."

 

I am caught between a) at the age of 31, being responsible to myself in not spending the next 18~24 months in a mind-bending, emotionally unsupportive relationship which hasn't had enough history to prove its future potential, and b) the feeling that I can't simply can't stand to "move on".

 

My self-image is not wrapped up in this.. I don't "need" her in order to be happy. I love her mind, I love what our rapport had been before she began this schedule, I strongly suspect she'd be a wonderful mother to the kids we discussed we might have some day... and even the sex was phenomenal...

 

But ... under current circumstances, to offer her my support without ANY accountability on her part would be hell and irresponsible to myself at this age... without regular opportunities for honest, open communication, there are too many mutual unknowns and differences untested.

 

But I can't cut her lose.

And simply staying friends may keep me helplessly entangled.

 

Quote from writer Becoming:

 

> Will her schedule really get better upon graduation, or will you be the

> proverbial dr's wife who never sees his spouse and basically lives alone

> with whatever schedule scraps fall from her table?

 

While she wants to complete her education as a matter of pride and independence, ultimately she's told me that raising a family is more important than maintaining her career. Some day she'd prefer to stay home with kids. Will that change? Is she truly a workaholic? Who knows. I simply cannot know yet if her behavior now is an indication of the future or simply financial desperation during this phase of her life.

[Outcast]

relentless schedule, I feel totally out of control when she puts up resistence every time I try to offer advice or participation... even trying to schedule these discussions, she insists she can't give me a regular slot to talk for several hours, once every week-or-two in her schedule.

 

Well that 'out of control' phrase is not one I'm fond of. Why should you be 'in control' at all in any way? What I'm hearing is that you're frustrated because she can't guarantee you a 'regular slot to talk for several hours'. I couldn't guarantee someone such a thing were I working plus going to school. The very nature of being a student mitigates against 'regular' anything, usually so I think you're asking too much.

 

Did she offer an alternate suggestion?

[1smartone]

Outcast said:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Well that 'out of control' phrase is not one I'm fond of. Why should you be 'in control' at all in any way? What I'm hearing is that you're frustrated because she can't guarantee you a 'regular slot to talk for several hours'. I couldn't guarantee someone such a thing were I working plus going to school. The very nature of being a student mitigates against 'regular' anything, usually so I think you're asking too much.

 

Did she offer an alternate suggestion?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Thanks.

 

Here's my thing... if we are supposed to be *partners* intent on having a future together ... I want to feel like I have a participatory role in her life... like, when she makes big decisions (car buying, apartment searching), I'd at least like her to discuss these things with me... I don't feel I'm *trying* to control her, but inasmuch as I've lived in this country for a few decades, and she's been here only a handful of years, there are a lot of ways I could offer help, even from far away, if she would just include me in her decision-making... when she doesn't... it can mean a BIG difference in her finances or other resources, which of course affects her stress levels and ultimately our opportunities to share her "down time".

 

Damn... do I sound controlling??

 

Her *alternative* was simply to call me every night on her drive home (midnight for her, 3am for me --before this horror-schedule, we used to talk every night anyway, at a normal hour) ... understand that I never expected her to "report in"... it was just nice to feel like we had one another to share our days with!

 

Anyway, I told her this was not "quality time" since she was always too exhausted at these times to talk about her day, or even be the slightest bit romantic anymore on the phone ... I would have MUCH prefer scheduled opportunities for real discussions, but she said... what I wrote before: no time for scheduling, "just love, for now".