Persistent doubts about whether my partner and I are compatible

[worldwideweb85]

I am in a relationship with a woman who was single for 15 years due to having been significantly overweight and then undergoing bariatric surgery to lose the weight. I met her a year or so after the procedure. We've now been together for a year and bit. We moved in together last November.

This comes with all sorts of things. One major thing is that she is not used to being in a relationship and is "learning" all the time, which I respect and accept, but it doesn't stop me having niggling doubts about our compatibility that keep on persisting and have persisted for a while and keep getting stronger.

I'll just list the issues that we both so I can try and be as balanced as possible. I accept I am not a perfect human, and neither is she, and can remain committed to her through good times and bad, I am just not sure what the "limit" is, as I do not want to make her unhappy or myself neither.

My issues:

In the past year I've had these things happen in my life, which has been unfortunate, and also what she has had to deal with. I also have some health conditions which don't help things either:

• Chronic neck pain (going on 3 years) - this means I can't sit on the couch or drive for extended periods as it makes the neck pain 10 times worse and can last for days
• I was admitted to hospital twice last year, once for a heart virus, another for an accident with my shoulder which kept me off work for 3 weeks and my arm in a sling for 3 months
• My mum has been diagnosed with cancer and has been having treatment since last August until now. It is ongoing.
• My car has been damaged, costing hundreds of pounds to fix. This compromises my ability to do lots of fun things or buy gifts as to my finances being adversely affected.
• I met my dad for the first time in 30 years.
• I found out I have a half brother.
• My family have over the years been very disrespectful towards me, I love them, but I have to keep them at arm's length.
• I have had a change of career which meant a reduction in salary from 52k to 32k a year (this is considered not too bad in the UK) (Started in 2022 before I met her, which was in Dec 2022) and have had a change of job last November so my salary has increased to 40k, in the next years or so I expect it to increase further but this will take time. This is a better job than the last one but they had been assigning me work that is far above my capability making me extremely stressed. This makes me come home feeling very run down and tired, but I do not take it out on my partner nor necessarily tell her immediately how I'm feeling about it, especially if she is in a bad mood.
• I have to manage difficult tenants in a house I own as my girlfriend wants me to live in her house. It is nicer but the ceilings are low and her pets do my head in lol!
• I have a condition where I am unable to cum during sex, this is a lifelong condition that I cannot do anything about. However, I am able to cum through masturbation.
• I am not the most articulate of people at the best of times, but I do try to be and am working on improving at it

 

Her issues:

• She is insecure about her appearance and has self-esteem issues due to her weight loss surgery.
• She comes home from work in a really bad mood too often and takes it out on me, which makes me feel extra stressed and tense around her. Sometimes I dread seeing her as I wonder how she will be.
• She has an inclination to want to have conversations about very intense topics before we go to bed, which affects our sleep.
• She likes everything to be done in a particular way that she likes them to be done and if I don't do them in the way that she likes it to be done, she is very critical and abrasive.
• She puts pressure on me to go on holidays with her ( we went on 6 last year!) and it has been putting me into debt. She doesn't seem to have any friends to go with or is willing to go on her own.
• We have sex once a week or once every two weeks, I think perhaps because of my ejaculation issue, it's not fun for her? Also as to point 7 below, maybe she finds it too much effort and tiring? I don't know. This is probably a normal frequency, so maybe I'm expecting too much? I do not initiate it that often because I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable and also, sex is not as enjoyable if the other person just does not feel up to doing it.
• She doesn't do any exercise at all, except if we go out for the day. In the long term, this will be very damaging for her health and also makes it frustrating when she talks about her weight issues, but then doesn't do any exercise. I just listen and try and be supportive and gently encourage her to do more.
• She over exaggerates situations that have happened, or conversations she has had, not just with me but with other people as well. This can be toxic as it is not an accurate representation of events.
• She keeps telling me I'm defensive, but she is also. It's difficult not to be defensive when she is not giving accurate versions of events.
• She tends to react badly if I have said something in a casual, light hearted conversation about nothing in particular in the sense of her interpreting it in her own way without actually making an effort to understand what it is I mean. This makes me feel as if I can't just have a normal, relaxed conversation with her without having to walk on eggshells.
• She has her mind set on being a stay at home mum if we have a baby together. Where I work and she looks after the child full time. This is not financially realistic in this day and age, particularly as we both don't have really high salaries. I just feel like she just doesn't want to work. I am more than happy to work and share the responsibility of looking after a child.
• She wouldn't share the same bed with me until I insisted we bought a bed together so slept in a separate room for nearly 3 months. I don't snore or anything like that, it's because she has been single for so long she struggles to share a bed with someone which is fair enough. However this has an impact on our level of intimacy. We have since bought a super king size bed which has rectified the issue, but is a huge effort just to get her to agree.

As you can see, she has had to put up with a lot of my "s***", but a lot of which as you can see, is nothing I could have done about. This is not to say I am a victim here, just giving an overall picture and keen to hear other people's perspectives about our situation. Also a very important note to add is that WE DO COMMUNICATE A LOT which is the biggest reason I think we are still together, and we have talked through pretty much all of the above and still do. We are not in a particularly bad place at the moment as a result either due to us communicating these things with each other. However the issue is the niggling doubts that keep persisting in my head. Even writing this out today has made me realise that we have so many differences..I do not feel in my heart I want to marry her either unless the improvements to our relationship remain consistent...well that's how I feel now. I'm just at odds with myself every day...I am 38 going on 39, I'm keen to settle down and have a family, but I'm not 100% sure she is the right person. Do I just keep going and hope things will get better or do I quit while I'm ahead? I just don't know.

I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this - it's a lot! But needed to get it out and fill in any gaps that may well be asked about. Thanks everyone.

Edited March 20 by worldwideweb85
type

[Wiseman2]

Sorry  this is happening. Is it your place, her place or do you co-lease? Moving in together was a mistake . Please make other arrangements asap. 

Unfortunately you're very incompatible and your individual issues seem to compound problems rather than balance them. 

[worldwideweb85]

It's my place I rent out, just a room though.

[introverted1]

I'd like to see the lists of what she likes/loves about you and what you like/love about her. What are the specific qualities she values in you?  What are the qualities you value in her? 

[ShyViolet]

On 3/20/2024 at 5:43 AM, worldwideweb85 said:

 

• She has her mind set on being a stay at home mum if we have a baby together. Where I work and she looks after the child full time. This is not financially realistic in this day and age, particularly as we both don't have really high salaries. I just feel like she just doesn't want to work. I am more than happy to work and share the responsibility of looking after a child.

Why are you even saying this?  It would be very irresponsible to bring a child into this relationship when you know the relationship is filled with so many problems.  You should NOT be thinking about having a child with this woman.  Especially considering the following:

On 3/20/2024 at 5:43 AM, worldwideweb85 said:

I do not feel in my heart I want to marry her either unless the improvements to our relationship remain consistent...... , I'm keen to settle down and have a family, but I'm not 100% sure she is the right person.

You need to end this relationship.  She is not the right person for you and it was a mistake to move in together.  This relationship sounds like it doesn't even have any redeeming qualities.

[Gaeta]

This has nothing to do with not having relationship experience. We have human qualities first and when we are in a relationship we bring those qualities with us. When someone character is patience, understanding,  selflessness, consideration, respect, those qualities are brought automatically in their relationships. This woman is not a nice person. She has a series of dysfunctions and character traits that make her very unappealing. Why you remain in this relationship at all. A relationship is supposed to enhance your life, not make it difficult and unpleasant. 

Edited March 21 by Gaeta

[Lotsgoingon]

You're lost here. Because your fundamental premise is wrong.

You don't want to care about the person's background and health history and trauma and all of that. That's not relevant.

The issue is: does it feel spectacularly great to spend time with this person as they are right now? Is this someone you have great confidence with in their judgment and resilience and ability to like you and love? 

Someone can have a big big body or a short body or diabetes or heart condition or some history of depression AND the other person feels they are spectacularly great---consistently so--to spend time with. People can have conditions AND their partner feels they are reliable and resilience and the partner wants them in their live.

You're grading this woman on a curve. No! Yes or not, is this someone who you REALLY want to be with. Not should be with ... not want to be with "if she does and X and Z" lin the future. No, right now. Do you selfishly want to be with this person. If not, go.