Perspective

[ZA Dater]

Engaging, asking questions about me, many different topics, good body language for me this was an especially rare experience. Its been a long time since someone has taken an interest in me and actually asked about me, the things I enjoy and add that this conversation flowed really well and just flowed between topics and there was no business discussed.

It felt really great to engage in this way, even my dire lack of confidence was much better, I think as I grew into the conversation my confidence grew which she could obviously see but more that I just felt really comfortable sharing more of my personality. It also helped this was a social setting among people, even so it was one of those exceptionally rare time where the other people tend disappear and the conversation becomes all consuming.

Really nice feeling and I could be me which was also nice. How much further I can take this I am not sure but I am now fairly sure there is some degree of interest because it all ended with a hug (for whatever reason few people hug me) and "lets meet for coffee soon".

We both have very busy lives so let see what happens, irrespective I had a great time connecting in that way. 

[Weezy1973]

@ZA DaterDon’t be passive. Ask her out on a proper date. Sooner is better than later regardless of how busy you are. 

[Gaeta]

11 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

We both have very busy lives so let see what happens

Nothing happens to people who live by *let's see*. Invite her out on a date. 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

it all ended with a hug and "lets meet for coffee soon".

How are you following up on the "lets meet for coffee soon" conversation? 

[basil67]

Ah, it's always so nice to meet someone who's got half decent social skills.  How did you meet her?

Edited February 2 by basil67

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Ah, it's always so nice to meet someone who's got half decent social skills.  How did you meet her?

Via business and hobby, in this instance both overlap. One thing I have learnt is she is not that much of a texter, she has family who have arrived so I will contact her toward latter part of next week and see when that coffee can happen, I'd love to spend more time with her. I will use that coffee opportunity to ask her out on a proper date, I think asking people out on dates via text is not really ideal and I think its better done in person or am I wrong?

Yes the risk of instant rejection in person is not great and the awkwardness which would follow and I guess the other risk is I am misreading very overly friendly for interest.

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

@ZA DaterDon’t be passive. Ask her out on a proper date. Sooner is better than later regardless of how busy you are. 

She is really not a good texter, this I do know so I think asking her on a date via text will not lead to a positive outcome. What I did do was ask her to join me at an event and this conversation played out quite interestingly

Her: When is it

Me: Its ABC date

Her: Oh no I am going to be away with my sister on that date, is it a breakfast or a lunch

Me: Its a breakfast

Her: Visibly disappointed she could not make it.

At no point was there "no I don't want to come with you" so I think that is good. My weakness here was probably not being decisive enough. 

A lot of the attraction for me here is someone who I connect with conversationally very well, I do not feel the need to put all the armor up and heck I have even been "vulnerable" about a few topic, notably my mother deteriorating health so that gives you an idea as to range of conversation. I do not open up easily but I have been able to this time, actually the last time I did open up I ended up dating that person for just under a year. 

The biggest problem for me is trying to over the sense "she is out of my league I am not good enough" which manifests itself in very low confidence.

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

The biggest problem for me is trying to over the sense "she is out of my league I am not good enough" which manifests itself in very low confidence.

Thinking a woman is out of your league seems to be pretty core to your attraction. So if you never ask women out you’re attracted to (because you think they’re out of your league) you’ll never get into a relationship. You break that cycle by asking our women you’re attracted to even if you don’t feel confident.

Ask her out on a date - not an event. An actual date. Does that mean you open yourself up to rejection? Sure. But if you keep doing things the same way you always do, you’ll keep getting the same results. Isn’t it time you tried something different even if it’s scary for you?

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

. I will use that coffee opportunity to ask her out on a proper date, I think asking people out on dates via text is not really ideal and I think its better done in person or am I wrong?

Yes be polite and follow up and suggest a date instead of going to an event.

There's no problem texting to arrange a date unless you are hesitating in order to talk yourself out of it and find excuses.

Please try to avoid going down the "the only ones I want, don't want me" rabbithole yet again. 

Edited February 2 by Wiseman2

[ZA Dater]

13 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Thinking a woman is out of your league seems to be pretty core to your attraction. So if you never ask women out you’re attracted to (because you think they’re out of your league) you’ll never get into a relationship. You break that cycle by asking our women you’re attracted to even if you don’t feel confident.

Ask her out on a date - not an event. An actual date. Does that mean you open yourself up to rejection? Sure. But if you keep doing things the same way you always do, you’ll keep getting the same results. Isn’t it time you tried something different even if it’s scary for you?

Yeah I agree with you. I will meet her for coffee and then ask her out on a proper date and see what happens, I might get rejected but I am feeling a bit more confident than I would normally simply because the conversation with her flows really well. She is just terrible at texting so I'd prefer not to ask her out that way.

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes be polite and follow up and suggest a date instead of going to an event.

There's no problem texting to arrange a date unless you are hesitating in order to talk yourself out of it and find excuses.

Please try to avoid going down the "the only ones I want, don't want me" rabbithole yet again. 

I am going to try not go down that road again its going to call for every single bit of confidence and self belief I can find but I am encouraged here by what seems to be someone interested in me, enough to ask lots of questions and I find myself feeling more confident as a result. What also encourages me is how easy the conversation is and how I am not awkward around her.

[Gaeta]

8 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

What I did do was ask her to join me at an event

You've taken that route before and you got very disappointed. You made a good contact with her already, you got a good feeling so you have to invite her to anything BUT not to an event related to your common activities. You invite her to a fun coffee & cake place or to a movie, etc. If you don't want to make an invitation over text then call. 

[FredEire]

You seem to be a massive overthinker, as I am as well. I know the typical advice you get of "don't overthink it" doesn't work if you're a natural overthinker so I'd say instead just let the thoughts come and don't pay them too much mind.

Better advice I've found is "feel the fear and do it anyway". A woman who's into you is more likely to overlook any awkwardness/lack of confidence if it's clear you're making a genuine effort with her. I agree with the others, ask her out on a date and see where it goes.

[ZA Dater]

On 2/2/2024 at 4:22 PM, Gaeta said:

You've taken that route before and you got very disappointed. You made a good contact with her already, you got a good feeling so you have to invite her to anything BUT not to an event related to your common activities. You invite her to a fun coffee & cake place or to a movie, etc. If you don't want to make an invitation over text then call. 

Ok I am going to ask her out. Should I do a dinner date or something more activity based, she enjoys golf so I am thinking maybe mini golf and a very informal dinner afterwards? Or is that too much?

[Alpacalia]

Do you have romantic feelings towards her or do you merely appreciate that she showed interest in you as a person?

Edited February 4 by Alpacalia

[ZA Dater]

20 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Do you have romantic feelings towards her or do you merely appreciate that she showed interest in you as a person?

I do. I'd love to date her, there is a lot of common ground and the fact communication in person is very natural and I feel I can just be me. The embraces are very warm, the eye contact good and perhaps this nice comment " you are really good company". I go for coffee find all the confidence I can find and ask her on a date.

 

[Foxhall]

On 2/4/2024 at 3:03 PM, ZA Dater said:

perhaps this nice comment " you are really good company".

It can be a good boost to get a comment like that-especially from someone you are attracted to, after having had a few disappointments,

Ive never taken any drugs  (only herbal ones) but its like a similar uplifting kick I imagine, good for the soul.

amazing too what a nice woman can do for a man. lift his spirits.

 

 

 

 

 

[ZA Dater]

12 hours ago, Foxhall said:

It can be a good boost to get a comment like that-especially from someone you are attracted to, after having had a few disappointments,

Ive never taken any drugs  (only herbal ones) but its like a similar uplifting kick I imagine, good for the soul.

amazing too what a nice woman can do for a man. lift his spirits.

 

 

 

 

 

I am mostly stuck here and managed to make very little progress, there was some brief text banter but again she is also very busy so this is to be expected. Going to try and see if I can meet her for coffee next week and see what happens. Turns out one of her friends is one of my friends, whether this is a good thing I do not know. My struggle at the moment is to not feel like that inferior person again but also to try remain patient.

[semble]

Did you ever actually CALL her? You know she isn't good at texting which means she doesn't LIKE texting. And that's not a bad thing. Nowadays we hardly speak to others on the phone or so it seems.

You're always trying to improve  yourself, so get out of your comfort zone and do things different, aka CALL her.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, semble said:

Did you ever actually CALL her? You know she isn't good at texting which means she doesn't LIKE texting. And that's not a bad thing. Nowadays we hardly speak to others on the phone or so it seems.

You're always trying to improve  yourself, so get out of your comfort zone and do things different, aka CALL her.

Nope not going to do that because a few reasons, she is incredibly busy with various work project at the moment, she is hosting events, giving speeches etc so I'll rather just push coffee out to later next week. If I am going to ask her on a date I absolutely have to do it in person, in the past this has proven to be a disaster but I am prepared to take that risk this time because I think its a risk worth taking. Again I am not sure she is actually interested but as she suggested it, there must be some interest of some kind.

Apart from this I am also making some other changes to make myself feel better, one of which is a very dedicated work out program which I am determined to stick to, thus far that is going quite well and I am feeling mentally stronger.

 

[semble]

15 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Nope not going to do that because a few reasons, she is incredibly busy with various work project at the moment, she is hosting events, giving speeches etc

You are well aware she doesn't like texting. Your only choice to keep the contact (and momentum) going is to call her. So what if she's busy? She can always not pick up, in which case you leave a voice mail to the effect of you'd like to see her and get back to you when she can. She's not busy every single waking hour of the day that she can't return a phone call, it's just ridiculous for you to even think that.

You've been doing the same thing the whole time you've been on this site complaining of the lack of results. If you are unwilling to make the difficult changes and get out of your comfort zone then you will not get better results.

 

[Weezy1973]

17 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Again I am not sure she is actually interested but as she suggested it, there must be some interest of some kind.

You’ll never know for sure. Again, it seems you’ve fallen back to hoping for some sign that this will be a sure thing. You can’t wait for that - it will never come. You find out if she’s interested by asking her out on a date. 

[ZA Dater]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

You’ll never know for sure. Again, it seems you’ve fallen back to hoping for some sign that this will be a sure thing. You can’t wait for that - it will never come. You find out if she’s interested by asking her out on a date. 

Which I will do at the coffee date. Nothing in life is ever a sure thing and this is no different, there is a lingering feeling I am punching above my weight but I think in this instance my intellect may give me a chance whereas in the past its been a useless asset. Her life is very busy, mine is very busy we have some complimentary interests so this time I think the odds are maybe a bit better though it may yet all fall to pieces at physical attraction because I know her ex and I look nothing like him.

[FredEire]

7 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Which I will do at the coffee date. Nothing in life is ever a sure thing and this is no different, there is a lingering feeling I am punching above my weight but I think in this instance my intellect may give me a chance whereas in the past its been a useless asset. Her life is very busy, mine is very busy we have some complimentary interests so this time I think the odds are maybe a bit better though it may yet all fall to pieces at physical attraction because I know her ex and I look nothing like him.

Just accept you are nervous and insecure about it. But try and let the date play out how it plays out. If you put roadblocks in front of yourself you may end up not even trying or talking yourself out of it

[ZA Dater]

9 hours ago, FredEire said:

Just accept you are nervous and insecure about it. But try and let the date play out how it plays out. If you put roadblocks in front of yourself you may end up not even trying or talking yourself out of it

Perhaps to some degree but its more about me seemingly jumping through hoops. I'll see how the coffee meet up goes and then make a decision, in truth she is the sort of person I have always been looking for, there are very few negatives and the compromises I'd have to make I can live with, the degree out of my comfort zone, I can live with that too.