Perspective

[ZA Dater]

31 minutes ago, FredEire said:

It would be pretty atypical for me to have a date where we wouldn't be able to talk about life, jobs, hobbies etc. Even on some of my "bad" dates where I wasn't attracted to the girl I was seeing. It's pretty basic stuff.

It also wouldn't be common for my date not engage in the conversation at all, there's been one or two times but it suggests something is off or they are in a seriously bad mood.

The fact this seems to happen to you so often suggests the problem probably isn't your dates. There's only one common factor in all of these meetups.

I also wouldn't tend to plan out what I want to speak about on a date, in fact I got into it prepared to talk about just about anything, wherever the wind in blowing that day. And usually it flows much more naturally. You're there to get to know them at the end of the day, it isn't a police interrogation.

Consider that 99% of dates I have been on were with people I did not find initially attractive. Like you I also go with the view of talking about everything but yeah it never flows very well anyway and when I sit and get asked nothing about myself its just a waste of time.

I might as well just throw dating in the bin purely because rarely am I meeting people I am interested in so that answers the question really.

[FredEire]

17 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Consider that 99% of dates I have been on were with people I did not find initially attractive. Like you I also go with the view of talking about everything but yeah it never flows very well anyway and when I sit and get asked nothing about myself its just a waste of time.

I might as well just throw dating in the bin purely because rarely am I meeting people I am interested in so that answers the question really.

Why did you go on dates with them if you didn't find them attractive? Was it as you always mention hoping the attraction would develop over time?

I can relate to you in the sense that I feel an attraction towards very few women that would push me towards wanting a long-term serious relationship. It sucks, and I'm working on it.

But you seem to say that you have no issue encountering women you find attractive in general, but then you end up inviting them to group events rather than actually asking them on a date. Why are you not as brave with these women as you seem to be with the ones you're not attracted to?

[basil67]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Not matching on OLD, well that is easy its just being plain ugly, not sure what what improvements I should then implement.

Absolutely true but I suspect its all down to being ugly, its the easiest way to attribute being rejected. If I were good enough I would not be rejected and I'd actually be getting matches on OLD when I bothered with those platforms or wait when I went out people gravitated to the good looking fun guys now imagine that....no real surprise there.

And this is another example of you ignoring advice and then complaining about the outcome 

I know I've written this before, but I will say it again:  The photos on one's profile need to tell a story.   Yes, it's important to have a face shot and a full body shot, but you also need to reflect your life - so add a picture of you doing a sport, a picture of you with an interest. I know you poo poo the picture with friends, but it's there to prove that you have them. 

Further, some people can have great pics but awful blurbs. 

It's advertising 101

Edited April 10 by basil67

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Consider that 99% of dates I have been on were with people I did not find initially attractive. Like you I also go with the view of talking about everything but yeah it never flows very well anyway and when I sit and get asked nothing about myself its just a waste of time.

I might as well just throw dating in the bin purely because rarely am I meeting people I am interested in so that answers the question really.

99% of dates.   Statistics mean nothing without a large sample area

How many of these dates have you been on?   10? 50? 100? 200?

 

Edited April 10 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

6 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Consider that 99% of dates I have been on were with people I did not find initially attractive.

Because you refuse to ask women you do find attractive out, correct?  Because you *know* they will reject you?

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Because you refuse to ask women you do find attractive out, correct?  Because you *know* they will reject you?

Actually I have a coffee meet set up next week with one I do like, albeit someone who communicates sporadically.

[ZA Dater]

10 hours ago, FredEire said:

 

But you seem to say that you have no issue encountering women you find attractive in general, but then you end up inviting them to group events rather than actually asking them on a date. Why are you not as brave with these women as you seem to be with the ones you're not attracted to?

None of these people are ever single, for fours years I had a plus 1 at events who had a bf. The other people I meet socially who I find interesting are not single.

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

None of these people are ever single, for fours years I had a plus 1 at events who had a bf. The other people I meet socially who I find interesting are not single.

That's interesting. A woman in a relationship is about as unobtainable as it gets.

I do wonder what these women and the ones you are dating look like, if it's actually about some kind of beauty standard you hold or if it's really the unavailability that attracts you.

[FredEire]

I had a "friend" (really more of an acquaintance) who would relentlessly go after women others were dating (including ones I was dating). It was pathetic and very annoying.

And he would endlessly moan about how he couldn't meet a good girl. I'm convinced he had some sort of humiliation kink.

[ZA Dater]

3 minutes ago, FredEire said:

That's interesting. A woman in a relationship is about as unobtainable as it gets.

I do wonder what these women and the ones you are dating look like, if it's actually about some kind of beauty standard you hold or if it's really the unavailability that attracts you.

Mostly its a combination of personality and physical attraction, looks wise none have much in common at all but all have had quite outgoing personalities. 

The coffee meet up next week should be  fun, unlike many of the other people I connect this, this conversation is more personal, its her birthday early next week and she does not really want to celebrate but will celebrate a bit with her close family. Almost all the conversation we have had is along these lines which has been quite nice. 

Needless to say when I do go on this coffee date the advice of many here will be foremost in my mind.

[FredEire]

12 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Mostly its a combination of personality and physical attraction, looks wise none have much in common at all but all have had quite outgoing personalities. 

The coffee meet up next week should be  fun, unlike many of the other people I connect this, this conversation is more personal, its her birthday early next week and she does not really want to celebrate but will celebrate a bit with her close family. Almost all the conversation we have had is along these lines which has been quite nice. 

Needless to say when I do go on this coffee date the advice of many here will be foremost in my mind.

So you are saying that none of the women you've dated have had fun or outgoing personalities? I find that hard to believe.

I suspect this has a lot to do with the relationship status of the woman. A kind of dominance fantasy where you woo the woman and tempt her away, humiliate the man by stealing his girl.

[ZA Dater]

7 minutes ago, FredEire said:

So you are saying that none of the women you've dated have had fun or outgoing personalities? I find that hard to believe.

I suspect this has a lot to do with the relationship status of the woman. A kind of dominance fantasy where you woo the woman and tempt her away, humiliate the man by stealing his girl.

Absolutely not at all. I am actually very respectful when it comes to people who are taken. Most of the dates I have been on lasted one date and not too many of those had outgoing personalities.

[FredEire]

2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Absolutely not at all. I am actually very respectful when it comes to people who are taken. Most of the dates I have been on lasted one date and not too many of those had outgoing personalities.

It doesnt stop you fantasising about them though.

There seems to be some sort of bias that says if a woman is taken she has some wonderful qualities that attracted her man whereas if she is single well there must be something wrong with her. The reason can be discerned afterwards.

[ZA Dater]

39 minutes ago, FredEire said:

It doesnt stop you fantasising about them though.

There seems to be some sort of bias that says if a woman is taken she has some wonderful qualities that attracted her man whereas if she is single well there must be something wrong with her. The reason can be discerned afterwards.

Trust me I am in the game of hoping to steal other guys GF's. When I think about it is I have probably met five single people socially in the last 5 odd years. Everyone I am around is generally not single.

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

Trust me I am in the game of hoping to steal other guys GF's. When I think about it is I have probably met five single people socially in the last 5 odd years. Everyone I am around is generally not single.

Then stop it. It's not a good idea. Go for people who are single and interested. Hounding after other people's women is sleazy and pathetic.

[ZA Dater]

13 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Then stop it. It's not a good idea. Go for people who are single and interested. Hounding after other people's women is sleazy and pathetic.

Nobody is generally single or interested so that is pretty much the story. As time goes by more and more people are paired up and there are fewer single people.

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

Nobody is generally single or interested so that is pretty much the story. As time goes by more and more people are paired up and there are fewer single people.

Doesn't change the reality that's its a really dumb idea to orbit other people's girlfriends hoping they will fall into your arms.

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

The coffee meet up next week should be  fun, unlike many of the other people I connect this, this conversation is more personal, its her birthday early next week and she does not really want to celebrate but will celebrate a bit with her close family. Almost all the conversation we have had is along these lines which has been quite nice. 

So you don’t talk about politics or life philosophies? And you find it nice? 

[ZA Dater]

2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

So you don’t talk about politics or life philosophies? And you find it nice? 

I do actually because she can do that too.

[Weezy1973]

9 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I do actually because she can do that too.

Do you find it interesting that you post a lot about your desire for women that have strong opinions and can talk politics etc.  But here you find it nice just to talk about what’s going on in each others lives? 
 

You can see by your own life that having some flexibility in “what you want” can go a long way. Kind of like how you adamantly claim to not be attracted to single  moms. Except for that time you were of course…

[ZA Dater]

7 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Do you find it interesting that you post a lot about your desire for women that have strong opinions and can talk politics etc.  But here you find it nice just to talk about what’s going on in each others lives? 
 

You can see by your own life that having some flexibility in “what you want” can go a long way. Kind of like how you adamantly claim to not be attracted to single  moms. Except for that time you were of course…

I am not keen on single mother no. The point here is this person is a very good communicator, smart, grounded and can chat on a variety of topics and she does not have kids. 

[Weezy1973]

3 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I am not keen on single mother no. The point here is this person is a very good communicator, smart, grounded and can chat on a variety of topics and she does not have kids. 

So basically what you’re saying is you want to date women to where you have chemistry? Where the conversation flows? Where she meets some minimum baseline of physical attraction for you (as most of the women you’ve like have all looked different)? 
 

That’s all very reasonable. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Actually I have a coffee meet set up next week with one I do like, albeit someone who communicates sporadically.

When she fails to follow-up, you can’t moan about the fact that you not enough to attract the woman you want and judge her for her lack of interest when clearly, the writing is on the wall here. When you chose a woman who is not available/not showing much interest your chance of success are slim to none. 

[ZA Dater]

12 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

So basically what you’re saying is you want to date women to where you have chemistry? Where the conversation flows? Where she meets some minimum baseline of physical attraction for you (as most of the women you’ve like have all looked different)? 
 

That’s all very reasonable. 

Indeed. 

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

When she fails to follow-up, you can’t moan about the fact that you not enough to attract the woman you want and judge her for her lack of interest when clearly, the writing is on the wall here. When you chose a woman who is not available/not showing much interest your chance of success are slim to none. 

I'll go and enjoy the company. Nobody I like show much interest so that nothing particularly new so yes I am probably not going to get very far here but I'll take the advice on board and see if I can get a dinner date. 

I'd actually be fairly happy with friends too.