Prudence V Posted April 11 Share Posted April 11 5 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Do you find it interesting that you post a lot about your desire for women that have strong opinions and can talk politics etc. There is an election soon. Pretty much everyone is talking politics at the moment - easy enough to ask someone if they’ve decided who they will vote for. People will either have an opinion on that, to say they’re struggling to decide (for whatever reason) giving you a good opening. Summer is ending, but there are still plenty of places to get chatting to people (on the wine tram, in the take away queue at Dumplings or the Curry Club, sitting in the sunshine on the coastal walk, etc) or take a book to one of the great new coffee shops that have sprung up anywhere and put it next to your smashed avo bagel and sooner or later, someone will stroll over and ask what your opinion on that book is. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 On 4/10/2024 at 10:06 PM, ZA Dater said: Also could not have been so bad if I was able to have a relationship for 9 months and you know what that conversation always flowed and she took an interest in me. Hallelujah! 🙂 You're back to speaking positively about that relationship. Wonderful! Now, tell me something ZA Dater: why don't you stop hanging out with your super-charismatic, super-attractive male friends and start hanging out with perfectly average looking males with perfectly ordinary lives and incomes? Spend time with the average guys and see what you can learn from them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted April 13 Author Share Posted April 13 (edited) 1 hour ago, Acacia98 said: Hallelujah! 🙂 You're back to speaking positively about that relationship. Wonderful! Now, tell me something ZA Dater: why don't you stop hanging out with your super-charismatic, super-attractive male friends and start hanging out with perfectly average looking males with perfectly ordinary lives and incomes? Spend time with the average guys and see what you can learn from them. No thanks I am quite happy with the crowd I hang around with. Again I do not believe in average because there is definitive way to define average. The best thing I can do is just accept I won't be able to date people I find attractive. That's just the reality of it. Edited April 13 by ZA Dater Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 3 hours ago, ZA Dater said: No thanks I am quite happy with the crowd I hang around with. Again I do not believe in average because there is definitive way to define average. The best thing I can do is just accept I won't be able to date people I find attractive. That's just the reality of it. You don't believe in "average" but you believe in "ugly"? 🤔 If that's the reality you're committed to, sure. Celibacy is also a way of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted April 13 Author Share Posted April 13 1 hour ago, Acacia98 said: You don't believe in "average" but you believe in "ugly"? 🤔 If that's the reality you're committed to, sure. Celibacy is also a way of life. I guess it is. I believe in unattractive to me, unattractive to me might be super attractive for someone else, its all subjective. The work I am doing now is reconciling never getting to experience what others do, to some degree I can say that I tried the best I could but it simply never worked out like I hoped it would. Next thing I'll have to work on is dealing the regret that it never really worked. One day at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 18 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: I can say that I tried the best I could… Sure, if you enjoy lying to yourself. Pretty classic defense mechanism. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 21 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: I can say that I tried the best I could but it simply never worked out Except ... you didn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted April 13 Author Share Posted April 13 26 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Sure, if you enjoy lying to yourself. Pretty classic defense mechanism. I am OK with that. I did ten years on dating sites, was a long haul with nothing really to show for it either. Blaming whoever, myself, the way I look is a waste of time because how I arrived at this point is largely irrelevant because I am here now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted April 13 Author Share Posted April 13 33 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: Except ... you didn't. In my opinion I did. Not sure there is much I can do which would radically alter the degree of success I have with dating. I'll go to this coffee next week, if it happens but there is no real interest from her so just about the best I can hope for is the occasional coffee. I'll just have to accept that. I'll also have to accept that there was probably interest of some sort in the past but I failed to see that. Am off dating apps which is quite liberating. Ultimately I have to accept I failed totally at this and that my thinking was completely and totally incorrect. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 13 Share Posted April 13 3 hours ago, ZA Dater said: I'll also have to accept that there was probably interest of some sort in the past but I failed to see that. Before you go whacking yourself over the head with regret, you've written nothing to suggest she had interest. We're talking about a woman who's life was so busy that she couldn't make previous attempts at the coffee meet. If she was properly interested, she would have made time in her schedule far more quickly. And for the record, some people are just huggy...or she felt you needed a hug, so don't read too much into that 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted April 14 Author Share Posted April 14 5 hours ago, basil67 said: Before you go whacking yourself over the head with regret, you've written nothing to suggest she had interest. We're talking about a woman who's life was so busy that she couldn't make previous attempts at the coffee meet. If she was properly interested, she would have made time in her schedule far more quickly. And for the record, some people are just huggy...or she felt you needed a hug, so don't read too much into that It's fine, she is one of the very few I have connected with conversationally and genuinely enjoyed her company. Inherently I realised the problem I had trying to date is it was never with people who actually found me attractive so I was always having to try sell myself in some way which does not really work. All I can do is accept what is. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 14 Share Posted April 14 1 minute ago, ZA Dater said: Inherently I realised the problem I had trying to date is it was never with people who actually found me attractive so I was always having to try sell myself in some way which does not really work. Selling yourself doesn't work no matter whether you're attracted or not. All we can ever do is be our best selves and let the chips fall where they may. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted April 14 Author Share Posted April 14 13 hours ago, basil67 said: Selling yourself doesn't work no matter whether you're attracted or not. All we can ever do is be our best selves and let the chips fall where they may. Agree. Or simply stop caring. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted April 14 Share Posted April 14 2 hours ago, ZA Dater said: Agree. Or simply stop caring. Good luck with that. Does anyone have the over / under on how long it takes you to start online dating again? My guess is shortly after your coffee with this woman and you realize she has no romantic interest in you, which pummels your self-esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted April 14 Share Posted April 14 3 hours ago, ZA Dater said: Agree. Or simply stop caring. If you're not going to even care about how you present, don't bother wasting that person's time Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted April 15 Author Share Posted April 15 11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Good luck with that. Does anyone have the over / under on how long it takes you to start online dating again? My guess is shortly after your coffee with this woman and you realize she has no romantic interest in you, which pummels your self-esteem. Of course she has no interest, that is simply a given. Nobody I find interesting/attractive/want to date has any interest, that is just how it goes. It would be stupid to believe anything else and frankly I'd have felt a lot better had I not bought into this idea of "she is really nice, ask her her on a date, she is perfect for you" at that moment its perhaps easy to forget how fundamentally flawed and useless I am and for a moment imagine what it might be like to date someone I actually like. Imagine...that is about as far as I get. Not interested in going back to OLD. As for self esteem, I have none so it makes no real difference to me. I'll go meet her, enjoy it for what it is, simply someone I find engaging and enjoy spending time with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted April 18 Author Share Posted April 18 Update, so the coffee meet up did not happen. Not that I thought it would, its now very clear she has no interest. Its fine, am used to this outcome by now but more than that have decided to throw dating in the bin, frankly all its really dished up in constant disappointment. I realised why I never found it particularly pleasant because almost all the experiences were disappointing. The best interactions I have had with ladies were never on dates, which is telling. I made my choices and circumstances made the rest of them, now to just live with it. Thanks for all the advice, well meaning as I think most of it. There is no good story to tell here but I guess deep down I always knew that would be the case and I was just desperately trying to prove myself and those around me wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
FredEire Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 1 hour ago, ZA Dater said: Update, so the coffee meet up did not happen. Not that I thought it would, its now very clear she has no interest. Its fine, am used to this outcome by now but more than that have decided to throw dating in the bin, frankly all its really dished up in constant disappointment. I realised why I never found it particularly pleasant because almost all the experiences were disappointing. The best interactions I have had with ladies were never on dates, which is telling. I made my choices and circumstances made the rest of them, now to just live with it. Thanks for all the advice, well meaning as I think most of it. There is no good story to tell here but I guess deep down I always knew that would be the case and I was just desperately trying to prove myself and those around me wrong. Well I think its probably a good idea you put it aside for a moment and focus on yourself. Who knows if you're busy just doing you something may pop up unexpectedly. Make no mistake though it's your decision at the end of the day. Nobody is repressing you or forcing you to do anything. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 On 4/13/2024 at 11:04 PM, ZA Dater said: I realized the problem I had trying to date is it was never with people who actually found me attractive so I was always having to try sell myself in some way which does not really work. No, the solution was not to try to date women who are not interested - Not to try to make yourself more interesting to women who have already shown a lack of interest… You would be surprised how much more success you would have if you changed your plan - Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted April 19 Author Share Posted April 19 12 hours ago, BaileyB said: No, the solution was not to try to date women who are not interested - Not to try to make yourself more interesting to women who have already shown a lack of interest… You would be surprised how much more success you would have if you changed your plan - Success for me cannot be defined as dating people I am not attracted to. The very few people who would go on a date with me are totally unattractive. Basically inherently the people I am most attracted to are people with endless options and I never feature on that list of options. Best thing for me to do is just accept that and let it be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted April 19 Author Share Posted April 19 14 hours ago, FredEire said: Well I think its probably a good idea you put it aside for a moment and focus on yourself. Who knows if you're busy just doing you something may pop up unexpectedly. Make no mistake though it's your decision at the end of the day. Nobody is repressing you or forcing you to do anything. Reality is time has shown its basically impossible for me to date people I actually want to date(never ever has it worked out) so maybe I just need to accept that and forget about it. Basically I cannot find any positive outcomes here so instead of being stuck in the purely negative dating pool I might as well simply remove myself from it, though once again I get invited to an weekend away event, everyone else is partnered up and I am not, these sort of things do become a problem. I can sit and berate myself but nobody actually cares, life goes on they find guys who they are attracted to, me moping is of no consequence to them at all. On many levels I am irritated with myself for lacking any degree of dating confidence. There is not much comfort to be had. Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 What kind of a car do you drive? Its not all about looks and personality, How do you score on for example the above question or some of the other type of attributes that high-end women especially look for Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 2 hours ago, ZA Dater said: Best thing for me to do is just accept that and let it be. But you don’t let it be - you’ve tried repeatedly to “prove everyone wrong” and you complain endlessly about the injustice of it all… I’ve said it before - it’s like someone without a law degree who applies at all the big law firms and then complains endlessly when he is not hired as a lawyer. When you set unrealistic expectations for yourself - and I’m not talking about physical appearance I’m talking about the decision to pursue a relationship with a woman who is not otherwise committed and interested in dating you - you set yourself up for repeated failure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted April 19 Author Share Posted April 19 23 minutes ago, Foxhall said: What kind of a car do you drive? Its not all about looks and personality, How do you score on for example the above question or some of the other type of attributes that high-end women especially look for I typically avoid people with that sort of mentality, I have met a few and to be honest there is never any attraction. I like grounded down to earth people which rules out those seeking their next meal ticket. Take this person for example, she supports herself has a great career. Anyway I'll look on from afar. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 19 Share Posted April 19 7 minutes ago, ZA Dater said: I like grounded down to earth people. Take this person for example, she supports herself has a great career. This is not entirely true. If it was, you wouldn’t find yourself eternally single. There are so many women out there that fit this description - and yet, you find a way to disqualify almost all… Link to post Share on other sites
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