Perspective

[ZA Dater]

11 minutes ago, basil67 said:

So you've never loved someone from afar?   Unrequited love? 

That yea but it's largely irrelevant.

[basil67]

Just now, ZA Dater said:

That yea but it's largely irrelevant.

It's not irrelevant if someone is asking if you know how to love a woman rather than tick boxes

[Gebidozo]

32 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

No surprise I don't agree with this. Love people I am not interested in?

🥵

Ok, seriously, are you just trolling people here?

When did I ever say about loving people you aren’t interested in? How is that even possible? I said you don’t allow yourself to love because you treat women like shiny things you need to get. 

You really refuse to listen to what everyone here has been telling you across seventy gazillion pages. 

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

🥵

Ok, seriously, are you just trolling people here?

When did I ever say about loving people you aren’t interested in? How is that even possible? I said you don’t allow yourself to love because you treat women like shiny things you need to get. 

You really refuse to listen to what everyone here has been telling you across seventy gazillion pages. 

Ok hence my question. I can love whoever I want, does not mean they love me back so I really do not see the point you are making at all. Your other comment is untrue. 

[ZA Dater]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

What about inventors?  Or perhaps, medical researchers?  They spend years trying to find a cure or make a new thing which nobody else has done before.  They don't have someone telling them where they went wrong.  All they know is that they failed and they have to figure out themselves where it went wrong.  And what to tweak.  Dating is really no different.  You think the rest of us have had people spell out our mistakes to us?  I promise you that most of us have had to figure it out for ourselves

My first big dating epiphany happened in my teens.   Quite a few times, I'd make out with a boy and think this meant that he was interested in romance.  But they never did ask me on a date.  One time, I turned up on the doorstep of a boy I'd been kissing.  He looked at me like a deer in headlights and said "I think you've got the wrong idea" and promptly drove me back to the train station.  I was mortified.   Nobody explained what I was doing wrong.  I just had to figure out for myself that the fact a guy gets kissy and handsy doesn't mean he wants to date.  So then I realised that I'd have to change my actions or my expectations.   

Occasionally, some kind soul will tell a person what they've been doing wrong, but it's also fraught with risk because the other is likely to get defensive or go into denial.  

Well based on this the boat for Mr sailed age's ago. I appreciate the share because it does provide good context. What did you change, you expectations or action's?

I don't do well at guessing so maybe that's why I do so poorly.

[basil67]

 

4 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Well based on this the boat for Mr sailed age's ago. I appreciate the share because it does provide good context. What did you change, you expectations or action's?

I don't do well at guessing so maybe that's why I do so poorly.

I changed both my expectation and my actions. And rather than guessing, I advise you analyse...that's what I did

Edited June 1 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

27 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Ok hence my question. I can love whoever I want, does not mean they love me back so I really do not see the point you are making at all. Your other comment is untrue. 

Yes, it does mean they love you back. You don’t just decide to love someone, you don’t pick a person and say, “You know, she seems cool, let’s love her”. The emotion develops naturally and mutually between two people. That is exactly what you never let happen, because you annihilate any hint at romance with your total lack of confidence and your mercantile requirements.

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

I changed both my expectation and my actions. And rather than guessing, I advise you analyse...that's what I did

Actually no, I lied.  I liked fooling around, so I changed my expectations.  And as it so happens, there were also guys who I fooled around with who thought I'd get serious with them and I didn't.

I slept with my partner of 30+ years on the night of the day we met, and I had no expectations.  I woke the next morning expecting to do the 'walk of shame' but he kissed me when he woke up and we're still together

[ZA Dater]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Yes, it does mean they love you back. You don’t just decide to love someone, you don’t pick a person and say, “You know, she seems cool, let’s love her”. The emotion develops naturally and mutually between two people. That is exactly what you never let happen, because you annihilate any hint at romance with your total lack of confidence and your mercantile requirements.

Hang on a second here. What hint of romance would there be if I can't find mutual attraction?

[ZA Dater]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Actually no, I lied.  I liked fooling around, so I changed my expectations.  And as it so happens, there were also guys who I fooled around with who thought I'd get serious with them and I didn't.

I slept with my partner of 30+ years on the night of the day we met, and I had no expectations.  I woke the next morning expecting to do the 'walk of shame' but he kissed me when he woke up and we're still together

Ok that's very interesting and to me it show's you have an attraction to him which is great and you didn't merely settle. It's actually a lovely story thanks for sharing.

[Gebidozo]

7 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Hang on a second here. What hint of romance would there be if I can't find mutual attraction?

Once you drop your silly requirements, stop seeing women as shiny objects, believe in your own attractiveness, change your mindset from getting to giving, and open your heart to love, I assure you that sooner or later you’ll find mutual attraction.

The way you are being now, it’s mighty hard for you to attract women, of course. But I told you that many times already, change your wrong mindset and things will be better. You never listen.

[ZA Dater]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

Once you drop your silly requirements, stop seeing women as shiny objects, believe in your own attractiveness, change your mindset from getting to giving, and open your heart to love, I assure you that sooner or later you’ll find mutual attraction.

The way you are being now, it’s mighty hard for you to attract women, of course. But I told you that many times already, change your wrong mindset and things will be better. You never listen.

Absolutely what I thought. I am not dropping my requirements, clearly I am not attractive if I were I'd have had more than one gf and may have found mutual attraction. 

None of my requirements are silly and while I value your advice, the above merely amounts to date whoever will date you irrespective whether you have any interest in them. 

What would you like me to give, where I am standing all I do is give.

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

I know this was addressed to @Gebidozo, but we've all been telling you this.  I'm a regular girl with a regular guy and I find him very attractive - and vice versa.  

Here is your evidence that regular Jane and John find each other attractive:  "Each day I look around and there are couples, talking, laughing, arguing, smiling, kids laughing, crying, running around"   I bet you also see regular couples holding hands or hugging or kissing in a quiet corner of a park

And here is the kicker - those “regular Jane’s and regular Joe’s are out living life very happily together - can you say the same? No, you have been throwing a pity party for yourself on an online forum for years now… no closer to finding the joy that is a relationship with a companionable partner than the day you first posted. 

[Gebidozo]

12 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Ok that's very interesting and to me it show's you have an attraction to him which is great and you didn't merely settle. It's actually a lovely story thanks for sharing.

I agree that it’s a lovely story, but you’re missing the point. The remarkable part is that they are still together after 30 years. That’s the hard part, that’s rare. As to they fashion that romance started, it’s absolutely normal and common. Everyone I know, myself included, have stories that began like that.

Nobody I know, myself included, ever “settled”. I don’t even understand what that word means in the context. Settle for what? For someone you don’t really like? Then what’s the point of being together? Everyone I know fell in love mutually and got together. That is, by far, the easy part. It’s staying together, making the relationship work, that’s really hard. 

[Gebidozo]

5 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I am not dropping my requirements,

Well, sorry, then you’re just stubbornly dumb.

Sorry, man. I tried to help you, but it’s a lost cause.

 

 

[ZA Dater]

8 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

And here is the kicker - those “regular Jane’s and regular Joe’s are out living life very happily together - can you say the same? No, you have been throwing a pity party for yourself on an online forum for years now… no closer to finding the joy that is a relationship with a companionable partner than the day you first posted. 

Very true. Clearly we all have different preferences.

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Well, sorry, then you’re just stubbornly dumb.

Sorry, man. I tried to help you, but it’s a lost cause.

 

 

Thank you. What of my requirements is so unreasonable if I have met multiples of who I find interesting and attractive, it's not like I am looking for unicorns.

[Weezy1973]

15 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

…to date whoever will date you…

Well this is just a fact. Everybody is only going to date people that want to date them. No getting around it. 

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Nobody I know, myself included, ever “settled”. I don’t even understand what that word means in the context. Settle for what?

“Settle” for the companionship of a life partner with whom one can share the mundane and extraordinary moments of life - be that spending time together at home, having a partner with whom one can go out to dinner or travel, sharing the intimacy of a fulfilling sex life, or sharing the experience of raising a family together. 

I see what you are saying ZA, much preferable to hold out and live a lonely and sad life while waiting for that rare unicorn that is going to fulfill your every desire - all those people who “settled” and are happily living their lives and raising their families are definitely misguided…

Continue as you have been, what do we know… 

Edited June 1 by BaileyB

[Gebidozo]

9 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Thank you. What of my requirements is so unreasonable if I have met multiples of who I find interesting and attractive, it's not like I am looking for unicorns.

Your requirements aren’t unreasonable, they are silly. Irrelevant. Out of place. Insignificant. 

It’s as though you were insisting that your food must come only in specific shapes and colors. That’s silly. What’s important about food is taste and texture, not shape and color.

[OKtoday]

You love living these pretend relationships in your head. It’s your favorite place to be. That’s why you want to wait to ask someone out, wait until July, wait, wait, wait. It’s more time for the perfect gal in your head dating you. Asking her would kill this fantasy in your head. Any real relationship would be settling to you and you’d actually have to participate in life.

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Your requirements aren’t unreasonable, they are silly. Irrelevant. Out of place. Insignificant. 

It’s as though you were insisting that your food must come only in specific shapes and colors. That’s silly. What’s important about food is taste and texture, not shape and color.

Perhaps I should not find this amusing but I absolutely do. No attraction= no date. Not sure what is so unreasonable about that. 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, OKtoday said:

You love living these pretend relationships in your head. It’s your favorite place to be. That’s why you want to wait to ask someone out, wait until July, wait, wait, wait. It’s more time for the perfect gal in your head dating you. Asking her would kill this fantasy in your head. Any real relationship would be settling to you and you’d actually have to participate in life.

Again far from true. I have been trying to meet up with this person for months. Settling for me is forcing myself to like someone simply because she has some interest in me, I have been there and it frankly does not work very well at all, in fact almost all of the dates I have had fall into the category.

 

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

“Settle” for the companionship of a life partner with whom one can share the mundane and extraordinary moments of life - be that spending time together at home, having a partner with whom one can go out to dinner or travel, sharing the intimacy of a fulfilling sex life, or sharing the experience of raising a family together. 

I see what you are saying ZA, much preferable to hold out and live a lonely and sad life while waiting for that rare unicorn that is going to fulfill your every desire - all those people who “settled” and are happily living their lives and raising their families are definitely misguided…

Continue as you have been, what do we know… 

Except you did not settle! 

I am not looking for unicorns, how can they be when I have met many people I find interesting and attractive, hardly unicorns. Its really subjective attractive to one can be unattractive to others, though I suppose the problem is when you find those who are seemingly universally attractive, attractive. People with options will always select the best one for them, which apparently not, no problem with that, does not mean I should simply throw up my arms and force myself to be attracted to someone I am not simply because they find me attractive.

Sorry but I am not being unreasonable. 

As for the bold, then I guess my friends have all be exceedingly lucky.

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Except you did not settle! 

I am not looking for unicorns, how can they be when I have met many people I find interesting and attractive, hardly unicorns. Its really subjective attractive to one can be unattractive to others, though I suppose the problem is when you find those who are seemingly universally attractive, attractive. People with options will always select the best one for them, which apparently not, no problem with that, does not mean I should simply throw up my arms and force myself to be attracted to someone I am not simply because they find me attractive.

Sorry but I am not being unreasonable. 

As for the bold, then I guess my friends have all be exceedingly lucky.

You said it yourself it's subjective, you could find a woman drop dead gorgeous and her personality irresistible, your friend might say "meh".

That's because you have very different histories which affect the people you are attracted to. You seem to only be attracted to people who have no interest in you, and on top of that you rarely try because you are so convinced of failure. It's not going to just drop into your lap.

Also because you have zero confidence the amount of women who will be interested in you is quite low, so I agree the girls who see someone who is so down on themselves and still say "ok I'm going for this guy" are not likely to be all that attractive themselves.

If you went out there and tried to speak to as many women as possible and make connections, a strange thing would happen. Your confidence would rise, and the shackles of caring about rejection would fall off. But you're already so convinced that it's terrible and awful that you don't want to even try.