Perspective

[ZA Dater]

14 hours ago, basil67 said:

How are you able to have ongoing conversations with someone and not know if they have a partner?    Do you not ask them about their life and family? 

The conversations I have with her are pretty specific in text whereas they are much more general in person. Attempted to meet up for weeks, she is much more talkative over text when she is needing something from me....

[ZA Dater]

7 hours ago, semble said:

That's your negative self defeating attitude talking right there.

Always assuming the worst.

Maybe but I cannot recall when last I had a positive dating experience Short relationship aside and even there I got exceptionally lucky and that scenario  was completely different to this.

[ZA Dater]

19 hours ago, semble said:

I see it all the time. Ugly guys, attractive women.

Take a good look around at couples the next time you're out and about.

No need to take my word for it.

But it's moot anyway because even if the lightbulb came on and you realized it's true, that ugly guys get hot chicks you still wouldn't change a freaking thing. And I get it, your actions, or more aptly, your INaction, is completely fear based. You'll keep on doing the same old thing for the rest of your natural life and complaining about your failures, while secretly hoping you'll get some sort of a break and the perfect woman will come waltzing right into your lap.

I suppose it depends if said guys are materially very successful then I suppose yes. On a level playing field I cannot see anyone choosing the physically unattractive guy over the attractive guy assuming they had the choice.

The great thing about giving up is exactly that I accepted defeat. The whole idea has been a failure from start to end and I can just learn to live with that, again suddenly I have a person contacting me who does not msg me for weeks....why because I have something she needs and of course I enjoy the attention.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

The conversations I have with her are pretty specific in text whereas they are much more general in person. Attempted to meet up for weeks, she is much more talkative over text when she is needing something from me....

So this is purely a professional relationship with minimal personal discussions?  If so I'll tell you right now that she's not interested in you romantically

[ZA Dater]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

So this is purely a professional relationship with minimal personal discussions?  If so I'll tell you right now that she's not interested in you romantically

Not really in that the conversation isn't about work, she sent my very nice bday wishes, conversation moved onto her recent trip and upcoming trip. You are however probably right. It is what it is I guess. She does take some degree of interest in me which is nice.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Not really in that the conversation isn't about work, she sent my very nice bday wishes, conversation moved onto her recent trip and upcoming trip. You are however probably right. It is what it is I guess. She does take some degree of interest in me which is nice.

Yes, talking about travel isn't part of the 'getting to know you' process, and some people are excellent with birthday wishes for everybody.   If she's not asking any personal questions of you, and you're not asking them of her, it all sounds very platonic

Edited May 18 by basil67

[ZA Dater]

On 5/18/2024 at 8:35 AM, basil67 said:

Yes, talking about travel isn't part of the 'getting to know you' process, and some people are excellent with birthday wishes for everybody.   If she's not asking any personal questions of you, and you're not asking them of her, it all sounds very platonic

Probably true but then again I am far more comfortable with platonic and with the above you probably also answer in part at least why I can never really get it right. Its probably exactly thus why, besides being unattractive I can never seem to get dating to work for me. I may just simply ask her out on a date but considering the above, rejection seems very likely? Its very confusing because there is conversation about life and some degree of interest "you are a great guy and good company". I am too stupid to read into that beyond someone simply being nice.

[semble]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I may just simply ask her out on a date but considering the above, rejection seems very likely? .

You're doing it again. Overthinking and assuming the worst. How's that been working for you? 

[ZA Dater]

50 minutes ago, semble said:

You're doing it again. Overthinking and assuming the worst. How's that been working for you? 

Well communication is very sporadic, I'd ask her out but not via text but rather in person. I realise that is very contradictory for someone who lacks confidence but I think its the correct way to go....thing is I need to actually meet her in person.

Overthinking is an issue, have been doing a lot of reading how to try avoid doing this.

[semble]

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Overthinking is an issue, have been doing a lot of reading how to try avoid doing this.

You're overthinking about overthinking.

[FredEire]

23 minutes ago, semble said:

You're overthinking about overthinking.

😂😂

[ZA Dater]

42 minutes ago, semble said:

You're overthinking about overthinking.

Yeah you are right! Decided to go with the view nothing ventured nothing gained, had a decent conversation via text this morning (she is travelling), she responded and has been responding much faster.

I may as well venture something here and see what happens, maybe something good.

[FredEire]

5 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Yeah you are right! Decided to go with the view nothing ventured nothing gained, had a decent conversation via text this morning (she is travelling), she responded and has been responding much faster.

I may as well venture something here and see what happens, maybe something good.

Good man! I think that's what a lot of people here have been trying to tell you for a long time.

On the flipside though if you get rejected there's no need to press the doom switch. You can be happy in the knowledge that you tried, and it's a lot better than not trying.

[semble]

You're going to venture... what's the plan? Ask her out by text?

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

On 5/17/2024 at 5:40 AM, ZA Dater said:

I suppose it depends if said guys are materially very successful then I suppose yes. On a level playing field I cannot see anyone choosing the physically unattractive guy over the attractive guy assuming they had the choice.

Stop projecting so much.   You are functioning on a purely superficial level when it comes to other people and "attraction."  We are not all doing so.   If I like someone and find them compelling, and feel drawn to them,  I'm not going to be comparing their looks to others'.   I'm interested in THAT PERSON.  

Lots of us are this way.  You are not.  

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, semble said:

You're going to venture... what's the plan? Ask her out by text?

 

 

Absolutely not if I am going to ask her out it has to be in person. What's good now is there is actually communication. So maybe that coffee meeting can happen. Of course of she is seeing someone I'll feel pretty bad and in the back of my mind I guess this quite likely she broke up in November so

 

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Stop projecting so much.   You are functioning on a purely superficial level when it comes to other people and "attraction."  We are not all doing so.   If I like someone and find them compelling, and feel drawn to them,  I'm not going to be comparing their looks to others'.   I'm interested in THAT PERSON.  

Lots of us are this way.  You are not.  

Ok I am going to buy into this, print this post and read it everyday. Basically I am saying you are probably right and o need to try move past my not good enough point of view. You probably do I have a valid point because I'm inclined to try see things this way. I'll try.

[BaileyB]

39 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Ok I am going to buy into this, print this post and read it everyday. Basically I am saying you are probably right and o need to try move past my not good enough point of view. You probably do I have a valid point because I'm inclined to try see things this way. I'll try.

My partner is not perfect - I’ve said this before… we just drove to the hardware store together (something I normally would not be interested in doing). We both looked terrible - in our weekend clothes. But on the way home, we were listening to a great song, he cracked a dirty joke, he gave me a sweet smile, and I thought - my God, I love this man. With nobody else do I share this kind of relationship. He knows me better than anyone else, and he loves and accepts me for the person that I am (flaws and all). He makes me laugh, we just enjoy spending time together. I feel content and secure in his easy presence. I am grateful for all those things - it matters not in the slightest to me that he is imperfect. Of course, we don’t always agree or get along perfectly… but my life is better for having him in my life than it would be if I was alone…

That should be what you are seeking - not a hot model who can discuss world events. I thought you had found what I described above with the last woman that you dated for almost a year - that feeling of having a partner. But then you reverted back to your rigid list of desired “must haves” in a partner… 

I know it’s not easy to find someone with whom you are compatible… I don’t mean to minimize that in any way. But, you are not helping yourself at all with your superficial and rigid checklist - particularly because as was said above, the things that you think are most important to have in a partner really don’t matter at all in the bigger picture….

Edited May 20 by BaileyB

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

My partner is not perfect - I’ve said this before… we just drove to the hardware store together (something I normally would not be interested in doing). We both looked terrible - in our weekend clothes. But on the way home, we were listening to a great song, he cracked a dirty joke, he gave me a sweet smile, and I thought - my God, I love this man. With nobody else do I share this kind of relationship. He knows me better than anyone else, and he loves and accepts me for the person that I am (flaws and all). He makes me laugh, we just enjoy spending time together. I feel content and secure in his easy presence. I am grateful for all those things - it matters not in the slightest to me that he is imperfect. Of course, we don’t always agree or get along perfectly… but my life is better for having him in my life than it would be if I was alone…

That should be what you are seeking - not a hot model who can discuss world events. I thought you had found what I described above with the last woman that you dated for almost a year - that feeling of having a partner. But then you reverted back to your rigid list of desired “must haves” in a partner… 

I know it’s not easy to find someone with whom you are compatible… I don’t mean to minimize that in any way. But, you are not helping yourself at all with your superficial and rigid checklist - particularly because as was said above, the things that you think are most important to have in a partner really don’t matter at all in the bigger picture….

For me I need to feel some attraction which I really do with the current interest and yes because how lovely the conversation is, she is really engaging, we talk about everything, I open up. That's the primary attraction, she is slightly older, has an extremely full and busy life.  There is just something I find very very attractive about her which I haven't had before. It's not a lust thing it's a feeling of really enjoying her company. She's a bit awkward, maybe loud at times, intense too but the communication is happening much more now but I am being careful not to overdo it. 

I put massive amounts of pressure in myself which doesn't help, last week on my bday I decided to try do things differently, try spend minutes doing breath work and trying to calm myself, it's early days.

My problem is I felt so inferior like I had no chance, reading the above is very nice and comforting so thanks for sharing.

What all of you have done is made my realise it's ok to open up, nobody is perfect holding who we are and not projecting that is stupid but it's hard to fight being shy but I'll try. 

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

For me I need to feel some attraction which I really do with the current interest and yes because how lovely the conversation is, she is really engaging, we talk about everything, I open up. That's the primary attraction, she is slightly older, has an extremely full and busy life.  There is just something I find very very attractive about her which I haven't had before. It's not a lust thing it's a feeling of really enjoying her company. She's a bit awkward, maybe loud at times, intense too but the communication is happening much more now but I am being careful not to overdo it. 

That’s what we are talking about - you find someone who interests you, to whom you are “attracted.” There is more that attracts you to this woman than her physician appearance… and further to what Nuevo Yorko said above, you are willing to overlook the things that you may not like because there are other things that attract you to her…

The thing that you need to realize - she has not consistently shown signs that she is interested or even considering a relationship with you. Until she does, this is a crush, a potential love interest, or possibly unrequited love. Take your shot - see if she is interested… but, if time proves either a) she does not share your interest or b) she is not a good partner (ie she is busy or works too much or she is flaky and inconsistent in her communication or time spent together - that’s all it is, you are not compatible. It has no greater meaning that you are not good enough, or you fail at everything you ever attempt - 

At this point, you have some interest in the woman and you need to assert whether she will reciprocate your interest. That is all. Hate to say it, but there is a good chance that you have chosen yet another unavailable woman given her inconsistent responses - but, que sera… if that is how this plays out, next time you will simply need to find someone who attracts your interest and is available/interested to date you in return. Such is life - there are good times and bad, you live and you learn…

Edited May 20 by BaileyB

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That’s what we are talking about - you find someone who interests you, to whom you are “attracted.” There is more that attracts you to this woman than her physician appearance… and further to what Nuevo Yorko said above, you are willing to overlook the things that you may not like because there are other things that attract you to her…

The thing that you need to realize - she has not consistently shown signs that she is interested or even considering a relationship with you. Until she does, this is a crush, a potential love interest, or possibly unrequited love. Take your shot - see if she is interested… but, if time proves either a) she does not share your interest or b) she is not a good partner (ie she is busy or works too much or she is flaky and inconsistent in her communication or time spent together - that’s all it is, you are not compatible. It has no greater meaning that you are not good enough, or you fail at everything you ever attempt - 

At this point, you have some interest in the woman and you need to assert whether she will reciprocate your interest. That is all. Hate to say it, but there is a good chance that you have chosen yet another unavailable woman given her inconsistent responses - but, que sera… if that is how this plays out, next time you will simply need to find someone who attracts your interest and is available/interested to date you in return. Such is life - there are good times and bad, you live and you learn…

Thing is and I'll be very honest it's rare I find someone who interests me in this way, very rare actually. Sure I suspect she probably isn't interested but, when she is msg me late at night, is being friendly, is being nice and every in person interaction has been positive I maybe think there are things about me she does like. 

Again what is very hard is I always feel inferior but maybe I am not, maybe if I open up, be me as I have done the interaction will be positive. Bear in mind she has known me for 5 years, she was not single at the time, is out of a very long relationship.

The positive interaction has given me some confidence but I can't help but wonder if I was too gentleman like when she has her hands all over my shoulders and arms. 

Again I am very hard on  myself because the opportunities are so rare that I cannot really afford mistakes.

Do you think it's better to ask her to dinner in person, I think text is not the way to do this.

 

[FredEire]

57 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Thing is and I'll be very honest it's rare I find someone who interests me in this way, very rare actually. Sure I suspect she probably isn't interested but, when she is msg me late at night, is being friendly, is being nice and every in person interaction has been positive I maybe think there are things about me she does like. 

Again what is very hard is I always feel inferior but maybe I am not, maybe if I open up, be me as I have done the interaction will be positive. Bear in mind she has known me for 5 years, she was not single at the time, is out of a very long relationship.

The positive interaction has given me some confidence but I can't help but wonder if I was too gentleman like when she has her hands all over my shoulders and arms. 

Again I am very hard on  myself because the opportunities are so rare that I cannot really afford mistakes.

Do you think it's better to ask her to dinner in person, I think text is not the way to do this.

 

You say it's rare but you post on here plenty about women you're interested in. It doesn't seem to be rare to me but rather you see it as unattainable/impossible.

[semble]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Do you think it's better to ask her to dinner in person, I think text is not the way to do this.

If all of your communication has been via text then I'm not seeing a problem with it.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, semble said:

If all of your communication has been via text then I'm not seeing a problem with it.

I think it's better done in person, if I am going to get rejected I may as well have it in person. What's struck me about this interaction is she is interested in me and seemingly getting to know me.

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, FredEire said:

You say it's rare but you post on here plenty about women you're interested in. It doesn't seem to be rare to me but rather you see it as unattainable/impossible.

Not really in the sense there is good communication, there is a feeling here but I need to tell myself I can rather than tell myself I can't. Again I just load the pressure on myself.