Perspective

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I think it's better done in person, if I am going to get rejected I may as well have it in person.

You really are your own worst enemy. Self sabotaging. Doom and gloom. All the time. 

[semble]

16 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I think it's better done in person, if I am going to get rejected I may as well have it in person.

You're actually planning your strategy BASED on being rejected. Talk about negative thinking!

 

 

[OKtoday]

Nothing is more disappointing than a man that does…..

nothing

and then lives another day

to do….

nothing

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, OKtoday said:

Nothing is more disappointing than a man that does…..

nothing

and then lives another day

to do….

nothing

Does total immersion in self pity qualify as doing "something"?   What about whining on Internet forums?

[OKtoday]

It kind of kills the dating  momentum before it even get going. 

[OKtoday]

44 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Does total immersion in self pity qualify as doing "something"?   What about whining on Internet forums?

Yes, she’ll count that too

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, semble said:

You're actually planning your strategy BASED on being rejected. Talk about negative thinking!

Realistic thinking. But yes, Id rather be rejected in person than via text.

[BaileyB]

deleted

Edited May 21 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

55 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Nothing is more disappointing than a man that does…..

nothing

Except a man who does nothing and then complains endlessly about how hard done by he is that things didn’t work out the way he would like…

Edited May 21 by BaileyB

[semble]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Realistic thinking. But yes, Id rather be rejected in person than via text.

Your attitude and perspective are terrible.

There are certainly factors we cannot control but you are a self defeating prophecy.

 

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, semble said:

Your attitude and perspective are terrible.

There are certainly factors we cannot control but you are a self defeating prophecy.

 

Indeed those factors always seem to conspire to create something called rejection. This time I'll ignore the very obvious elephant in the room and proceed anyway and if there is a result other than rejection I'll be most pleased. 

 

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Except a man who does nothing and then complains endlessly about how hard done by he is that things didn’t work out the way he would like…

I've walked down this road a few times before and the outcome is pretty inevitable.The difference this time is I am going to be more direct than I have usually been in the past. 

[ZA Dater]

My new routine of long walks and gym as definitely been beneficial this week, feels like everything is a bit better balanced. As for the inevitable date, I think I can actually do it, just maybe but what I do question, for those of you who do not overthink do you just go ahead and say whatever comes to mind when asking someone out?

 

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

My new routine of long walks and gym as definitely been beneficial this week, feels like everything is a bit better balanced. As for the inevitable date, I think I can actually do it, just maybe but what I do question, for those of you who do not overthink do you just go ahead and say whatever comes to mind when asking someone out?

 

That's great, I think physical activity is very balancing and grounding, especially those which require discipline like strength training.

Yes pretty much, within reason. Like "Hey I was thinking, do you fancy dinner this weekend? I know a nice Italian place" etc. It's important to try and let it flow, I look back at some of my very old Tinder matches sometimes and cringe, the overthinking for the "perfect funny message" comes across.

[ZA Dater]

6 hours ago, FredEire said:

That's great, I think physical activity is very balancing and grounding, especially those which require discipline like strength training.

Yes pretty much, within reason. Like "Hey I was thinking, do you fancy dinner this weekend? I know a nice Italian place" etc. It's important to try and let it flow, I look back at some of my very old Tinder matches sometimes and cringe, the overthinking for the "perfect funny message" comes across.

Yeah I want to try avoid that overthinking. I have managed to get my mind into a calmer space this week, I have this sort of positive thinking pattern this week, for no particular reason. 

Ultimately I'll only know if I ask but I can go two ways, either "hey would you like to try this Italian place" like you mention above, I actually did do that with her before in a playful way(you'd never guess but I am capable of it) or I cam say " I really enjoy your company let's do dinner at ABC". 

Historically option b has always not worked for me.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Yeah I want to try avoid that overthinking. I have managed to get my mind into a calmer space this week, I have this sort of positive thinking pattern this week, for no particular reason. 

Ultimately I'll only know if I ask but I can go two ways, either "hey would you like to try this Italian place" like you mention above, I actually did do that with her before in a playful way(you'd never guess but I am capable of it) or I cam say " I really enjoy your company let's do dinner at ABC". 

Historically option b has always not worked for me.

I'd say it's highly likely it's because you started your exercise/gym routine. It was life-changing for me when I got active in my early 20s. It blows away all the cobwebs and BS from your mind.

Anyway good luck with it, just step forward and be bold. As long as you try you can be proud you made the effort, there's really no "wrong" move, at worst another lesson.

[ZA Dater]

On 5/24/2024 at 11:50 PM, FredEire said:

I'd say it's highly likely it's because you started your exercise/gym routine. It was life-changing for me when I got active in my early 20s. It blows away all the cobwebs and BS from your mind.

Anyway good luck with it, just step forward and be bold. As long as you try you can be proud you made the effort, there's really no "wrong" move, at worst another lesson.

Oddly I am actually feeling some degree of confidence. Also because I am working on a new way of looking at this, working because each day is a challenge not to go back to other ways of thinking. The other important thing I am trying to do is to be more open in how I communicate. None of this is easy but each day I am trying.

[ZA Dater]

I did something I would not normally do, went on a date with someone who reached out, this was someone from a dating site who I chatted to ages ago. Cant say I particularly enjoyed the experience, there just was not that magnetic attraction I have with other lady (who is now away till July so I wont be seeing her anytime soon, Fred I think she is headed to your part of the world) but perhaps for the first time I can say I slightly understand what people mean by chemistry. Must be honest I think the longer it takes to meet her the lower my chances are of getting a date but somehow I need to put a positive spin on it, that is the thing, I really enjoy spending time with her.

Truthfully I had not been out at night for such a long time it was a novelty all of its own though I do admit I felt like a fish out of water.

[FredEire]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I did something I would not normally do, went on a date with someone who reached out, this was someone from a dating site who I chatted to ages ago. Cant say I particularly enjoyed the experience, there just was not that magnetic attraction I have with other lady (who is now away till July so I wont be seeing her anytime soon, Fred I think she is headed to your part of the world) but perhaps for the first time I can say I slightly understand what people mean by chemistry. Must be honest I think the longer it takes to meet her the lower my chances are of getting a date but somehow I need to put a positive spin on it, that is the thing, I really enjoy spending time with her.

Truthfully I had not been out at night for such a long time it was a novelty all of its own though I do admit I felt like a fish out of water.

That's great, you're taking peoples' advice here and now you're seeing it work first hand! You seem to be making positive steps in the right direction.

Yes absolutely, chemistry is a strange thing that depends entirely on how the two people connect on a deeper level. It actually has nothing to do with your bank account or how pretty your face is.

I think it may also help you to understand what people have been saying on here which you interpreted as "settling". Of course everyone would like to meet someone who looks like Brad Pitt/Scarlett Johansson who they simultaneously have amazing chemistry with, but if the level of chemistry is through the roof it may mean they can seriously fall for someone they may not say was a 10/10 if they were just shown a picture of them.

Of course you shouldn't date someone you have completely no interest in, but there's more to attraction than just the surface.

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, FredEire said:

That's great, you're taking peoples' advice here and now you're seeing it work first hand! You seem to be making positive steps in the right direction.

Yes absolutely, chemistry is a strange thing that depends entirely on how the two people connect on a deeper level. It actually has nothing to do with your bank account or how pretty your face is.

I think it may also help you to understand what people have been saying on here which you interpreted as "settling". Of course everyone would like to meet someone who looks like Brad Pitt/Scarlett Johansson who they simultaneously have amazing chemistry with, but if the level of chemistry is through the roof it may mean they can seriously fall for someone they may not say was a 10/10 if they were just shown a picture of them.

Of course you shouldn't date someone you have completely no interest in, but there's more to attraction than just the surface.

I'll see what happens in July and then decide how I am going to approach that, part of me thinks my chances are pretty low but the other part me wants to take a more positive approach to it so I am dealing with that conflict. For disclosure purposes she is tall, slim, blue eyes but has quite an intense personality which would not be to everyone's liking. While walking yesterday I thought about the fact that to lesser or greater degrees people all struggle with dating. Sure, some have things which can help them. 

My whole life people tell me I cant, its never good enough and this takes its toll, I am trying to shrug this off, dust myself off and try believe in a little more even if those around me do not believe in me.

Getting off dating apps has helped a lot too.

[Weezy1973]

16 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yes absolutely, chemistry is a strange thing that depends entirely on how the two people connect on a deeper level.

I’d argue chemistry is about how people connect on a superficial level. Chemistry is instant and therefore by definition superficial.  Still necessary of course, but you can have chemistry with people that would ultimately be a terrible partner for you. It’s a mix of physical attraction and “talking the same language” (being able to have effortless conversation). 

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’d argue chemistry is about how people connect on a superficial level. Chemistry is instant and therefore by definition superficial.  Still necessary of course, but you can have chemistry with people that would ultimately be a terrible partner for you. It’s a mix of physical attraction and “talking the same language” (being able to have effortless conversation). 

I don't know, I've had incredible chemistry with girls I don't find the least bit physically attractive, and absolutely not with women I found very attractive. Ideally you want both, of course.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I’d argue chemistry is about how people connect on a superficial level. Chemistry is instant and therefore by definition superficial.  Still necessary of course, but you can have chemistry with people that would ultimately be a terrible partner for you. It’s a mix of physical attraction and “talking the same language” (being able to have effortless conversation). 

Effortless conversation is really great, there is just that feeling. It's quite a balancing act, this recent date was great at conversation but it didn't really flow and I just couldn't connect like I could with the other lady who I find captivating.

[semble]

Keep the connection going while she's away. As long as she's responsive to your efforts.

 

[ZA Dater]

9 minutes ago, semble said:

Keep the connection going while she's away. As long as she's responsive to your efforts.

 

Responses are slow but have become faster. I also do not want to overdo it either. My biggest challenge is getting myself in the right frame of mind and staying there. I suppose I can set up something for July. 

One thing that has resonated is for me to go out each day and try open up more in general, challenge myself that way. Look I went on this date and I was not particularly enamored with it but I was happy with how I approached it, shyness much less, no awkwardness either. Just no real "want" from me. I could also project a fair degree of confidence.

I do know I am not everyone's cup of tea and in the back of my mind I am aware I have painfully few options so I really need to try, well aware I may have ruined my chances already.