Perspective

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

You're making stuff up just to support your moaning.  We all know that you've just conveniently forgotten the woman who you were in a relationship with for so many months.  The woman who showed infinite patience because she really liked you and could see herself in a relationship with you.   Yes, I know, despite your best efforts, you weren't attracted to her.  But don't go saying you've got nothing to offer when we know that you've had someone who's shown interest in more than your professional skills

 

One person. Wow. Again one person. I'd hardly say that can be considered successful at all. Again there was no mutual attraction so again how can that be considered a success? It's exactly this which I was hoping to try ignore.

It is what it is, I'll go walking, do more weights, distract myself as best I can. All I've really gained here is yet more proof of how undesirable I am.

[Gebidozo]

7 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

One person. Wow. Again one person. I'd hardly say that can be considered successful at all. Again there was no mutual attraction so again how can that be considered a success? It's exactly this which I was hoping to try ignore.

It is what it is, I'll go walking, do more weights, distract myself as best I can. All I've really gained here is yet more proof of how undesirable I am.

You haven’t gained that proof, you’ve provided it.

This monstrous thread is filled to the brim with your incessant moaning, complaints, and outbursts of pathetic self-pity. What other proof of your undesirability do you need?

If you were a woman, I wouldn’t date you. Not even if I were starving for physical intimacy and affection. And I haven’t been very picky, believe me. That’s how off-putting your attitude is.

For the 234789542th time, you are unattractive for two reasons: your inability to love, and your disbelief in yourself.

You must work on those. For God’s sake, fall in love already! You’ve been whining on the forum that nobody loves you, but what woman would love a man who isn’t in love with her?

You either despise or worship women. But you don’t love them. I haven’t read a single warm, romantic thing while perusing your interminable opus. You are so full of yourself, so calculating and judgmental, that you don’t let your heart open and just fall in love with a girl. 

Dude, if you were my buddy I’d smack you, seriously.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Gebidozo said:

You haven’t gained that proof, you’ve provided it.

This monstrous thread is filled to the brim with your incessant moaning, complaints, and outbursts of pathetic self-pity. What other proof of your undesirability do you need?

If you were a woman, I wouldn’t date you. Not even if I were starving for physical intimacy and affection. And I haven’t been very picky, believe me. That’s how off-putting your attitude is.

For the 234789542th time, you are unattractive for two reasons: your inability to love, and your disbelief in yourself.

You must work on those. For God’s sake, fall in love already! You’ve been whining on the forum that nobody loves you, but what woman would love a man who isn’t in love with her?

You either despise or worship women. But you don’t love them. I haven’t read a single warm, romantic thing while perusing your interminable opus. You are so full of yourself, so calculating and judgmental, that you don’t let your heart open and just fall in love with a girl. 

Dude, if you were my buddy I’d smack you, seriously.

What an emotive post. Let my heart open, that is rich actually because why would I to people I am not interested in and have not attraction to? Again why would I? Would you?

It would be a different matter if I could actually find mutual attraction then sure I'd open up, entirely reasonable I think. As for my attitude, well its a product of experience,  do me a favor go and talk to a homeless person and see what their attitude is to life compared to yours and before you tell me to do the same,  I talk to homeless people most days and yes I speak to them the same way I speak to very successful people.

Disbelief in myself, again its rinse and repeat so what is there to believe in exactly? 

 

[semble]

On 5/30/2024 at 9:04 AM, ZA Dater said:

I get to regret not making a move when I should have.

At least you're developing some accountability, which may lead you to make better choices going forward. A lot better than the whole "woe is me" attitude where you tend to play the victim and blame your circumstances and bad luck rather than your actions for the lack of success in your dating endeavors.

 

 

 

[ZA Dater]

6 minutes ago, semble said:

At least you're developing some accountability, which may lead you to make better choices going forward. A lot better than the whole "woe is me" attitude where you tend to play the victim and blame your circumstances and bad luck rather than your actions for the lack of success in your dating endeavors.

Unlikely to be in that position again unfortunately. I have never had a ONS so I was not sure about making that sort of move or if I was reading the touching correctly and my take on it was to try and meet up again and get to know her. In this instance a lack of experience was my worst enemy. 

If I could go back I probably would have still made the same decision because I inherently lack confidence.

[Gebidozo]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

What an emotive post. Let my heart open, that is rich actually because why would I to people I am not interested in and have not attraction to? Again why would I? Would you?

It would be a different matter if I could actually find mutual attraction then sure I'd open up, entirely reasonable I think. As for my attitude, well its a product of experience,  do me a favor go and talk to a homeless person and see what their attitude is to life compared to yours and before you tell me to do the same,  I talk to homeless people most days and yes I speak to them the same way I speak to very successful people.

Disbelief in myself, again its rinse and repeat so what is there to believe in exactly? 

 

Dude, just listen to yourself. You sound like a spoiled kid who wants to become a cartoon villain. Next you’re going to tell us that because nobody loves you you’ve sworn to annihilate humanity or something. 

Comparing your romantic woes to being homeless is pretty shameless, actually. And also very typical of your mercantile approach to love. People aren’t money. A homeless person is probably forced by circumstances to be homeless, but no one can be forced to be loveless. Every human being has the capacity to love. If you’ve never fallen in love it means that you’ve filled your heart with your nonsense division of women into some unattainable stars you worship, and regular girls you treat with infuriating disdain.

You do need money and possessions in order not to be homeless. You don’t need anything in order to love and be loved, as long as you don’t push away people with unlovable attitude, and that’s exactly what you’re doing. Love can be experienced by any person, attractive or unattractive. You don’t even get that a regular guy having a loving relationship with a regular girl is every bit as successful as an attractive guy having a loving relationship with an attractive girl.

I repeat, I wouldn’t date you if you were a gorgeous, smart woman. Your attitude prevents people from liking you. Drop your attitude, drop your materialistic approach to love, and you’ll see a lot of positive change.

[semble]

13 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

If I could go back I probably would have still made the same decision because I inherently lack confidence.

So you'll continue to do the same thing the same way you always have, yet be disappointed and miserable when you never achieve a different result.

Got it.

 

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, semble said:

So you'll continue to do the same thing the same way you always have, yet be disappointed and miserable when you never achieve a different result.

Got it.

 

The same decision in the sense I wanted an actual date before hooking up, is there anything wrong with that?

 

[Gebidozo]

19 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

If I could go back I probably would have still made the same decision because I inherently lack confidence.

So you do understand that the problem is your lack of confidence?

But that’s what people have been trying to tell you on the 34788923 pages of your thread. Inability to love, disbelief in oneself, lack of confidence - these are the same things, don’t you understand that?

So now will you finally start working on those?

[semble]

3 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

The same decision in the sense I wanted an actual date before hooking up, is there anything wrong with that?

Not at all. But as I'm sure you know, completely irrelevant as far as your inaction goes in other areas that results in accomplishing zilch.

 

[ZA Dater]

17 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Dude, just listen to yourself. You sound like a spoiled kid who wants to become a cartoon villain. Next you’re going to tell us that because nobody loves you you’ve sworn to annihilate humanity or something. 

Comparing your romantic woes to being homeless is pretty shameless, actually. And also very typical of your mercantile approach to love. People aren’t money. A homeless person is probably forced by circumstances to be homeless, but no one can be forced to be loveless. Every human being has the capacity to love. If you’ve never fallen in love it means that you’ve filled your heart with your nonsense division of women into some unattainable stars you worship, and regular girls you treat with infuriating disdain.

You do need money and possessions in order not to be homeless. You don’t need anything in order to love and be loved, as long as you don’t push away people with unlovable attitude, and that’s exactly what you’re doing. Love can be experienced by any person, attractive or unattractive. You don’t even get that a regular guy having a loving relationship with a regular girl is every bit as successful as an attractive guy having a loving relationship with an attractive girl.

I repeat, I wouldn’t date you if you were a gorgeous, smart woman. Your attitude prevents people from liking you. Drop your attitude, drop your materialistic approach to love, and you’ll see a lot of positive change.

You are right we would not get along terribly well

You missed my entire point, a homeless person will have a very different perspective on life due to their circumstances and things they have experienced. Yes someone pretty famous told us its much easier to teach people to love than it is to teach them to hate. I have not fallen in love with anyone simply because the people I am interested in are not interested in me but it would seem I should by your reasoning fall in love with anyone irrespective and date anyone irrespective whether I have any interest in them at all.

The people I find attractive are no unattainable and actually in this particular instance I did back myself simply because the conversation flowed so well and was mutually engaging.

You keep saying regular guy and regular girl, sure but they find each other attractive I would imagine? Or are you simply implying people settle for 'oh that will do'''

Materialistic approach to love, I need a laugh and thanks for supplying it. Nah all I simply read is: drop all standards and date whoever irrespective whether you find them interesting or not. 

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, semble said:

Not at all. But as I'm sure you know, completely irrelevant as far as your inaction goes in other areas that results in accomplishing zilch.

 

Not sure I understand this point? Not having the confidence to hook up is seen as bad, versus wanting to get to know someone? What other areas, I tried repeatedly to meet this person and nothing came of it. Would hooking up have changed that, probably.

[FredEire]

4 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Not sure I understand this point? Not having the confidence to hook up is seen as bad, versus wanting to get to know someone? What other areas, I tried repeatedly to meet this person and nothing came of it. Would hooking up have changed that, probably.

Not really, if you manage to hook up you might have a new sex buddy, but if you're fundamentally incompatible for a relationship hooking up won't change that.

[semble]

5 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Not sure I understand this point? Not having the confidence to hook up is seen as bad, versus wanting to get to know someone? What other areas, I tried repeatedly to meet this person and nothing came of it. Would hooking up have changed that, probably.

I was replying to your post where you clearly stated you regretted taking action and acknowledged that things may have worked out more favorably had you done so.

 

 

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, semble said:

I was replying to your post where you clearly stated you regretted taking action and acknowledged that things may have worked out more favorably had you done so.

 

 

The action would have been to hook up that evening when I was having my arm touched, my shoulder felt and generally a really good conversation about pretty much anything.

[ZA Dater]

8 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Not really, if you manage to hook up you might have a new sex buddy, but if you're fundamentally incompatible for a relationship hooking up won't change that.

The compatibility would be good here as there are a lot of shared interest which is one of the things which attracted me.

[semble]

7 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

The action would have been to hook up that evening when I was having my arm touched, my shoulder felt and generally a really good conversation about pretty much anything.

You are thinking very black and white. There's a lot of grey in between.

There could have been some intimacy without "going all the way".

The stage could have been set to keep it moving forward. Instead you gave her nothing in terms of feedback in response to her affections. She came away with nothing but rejection. And so did you.

 

 

[ZA Dater]

5 minutes ago, semble said:

You are thinking very black and white. There's a lot of grey in between.

There could have been some intimacy without "going all the way".

The stage could have been set to keep it moving forward. Instead you gave her nothing in terms of feedback in response to her affections. She came away with nothing but rejection. And so did you.

 

 

Hardly, we met up after that for a breakfast, we were going to meet after new year but it never happened nor did any other meet up happen. There was text communication.

[semble]

How do you go from sincerely regretting your lack of action to jutisfying it, validating and defending it within the span of an hour?

You must be a thrill at parties.

 

 

[FredEire]

At the end of the day this is a woman you're likely to see in a few weeks, if at all. You haven't kissed, shared moments together so at the moment there's not really much to get excited about.

You have to move with a bit more flow, live your life, focus on hobbies/job objectives etc and put dating concerns to the side, don't give too much importance to something which at the moment is frankly a load of nothing.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

You are right we would not get along terribly well

That’s not what I said at all. I said I wouldn’t date you if you were a woman. Or, in other words, I said that women don’t like you, and explained why. I’m sure I’d get along with you just fine as buddies. 

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

You missed my entire point, a homeless person will have a very different perspective on life due to their circumstances and things they have experienced.

No, you missed my entire point, which is that your comparison of yourself with a homeless person sucks donkey butt.

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I have not fallen in love with anyone simply because the people I am interested in are not interested in me

Falling in love isn’t “being interested”. Your “interest” is brainy, artificial. It’s nothing but a list of things you find attractive. Falling in love is a feeling. You should first experience falling in love as an emotion completely independent from any correspondence to your rigid “ideals”.

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

You keep saying regular guy and regular girl, sure but they find each other attractive I would imagine? Or are you simply implying people settle for 'oh that will do'''

Of course not. Yes, they find each other attractive. They meet, and sexual chemistry develops between them naturally, without any pre-requisites. They don’t make lists or demands, they simply let stuff happen. This is exactly what you are not doing.

 

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Materialistic approach to love, I need a laugh and thanks for supplying it. Nah all I simply read is: drop all standards and date whoever irrespective whether you find them interesting or not. 

Don’t pretend to be dumber than you are. That’s not at all what I meant and you know it. First of all, you  have no “standards” to speak of. You have a ridiculous set of requirements that have completely dulled your natural instincts. What I’m telling you is not to drop standards, but to actually have real standards. “She must be childless and at least 5’7 tall” isn’t a standard, it’s a primitively materialistic, mercantile treatment of a potential partner, which equates her with an object or a ware. “She must be interested in a serious relationship and have a mature understanding of them” is a standard, for example.

[semble]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

Don’t pretend to be dumber than you are. That’s not at all what I meant and you know it.

He did the same thing to me on this thread.

 

[FredEire]

9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

That’s not what I said at all. I said I wouldn’t date you if you were a woman. Or, in other words, I said that women don’t like you, and explained why. I’m sure I’d get along with you just fine as buddies. 

No, you missed my entire point, which is that your comparison of yourself with a homeless person sucks donkey butt.

Falling in love isn’t “being interested”. Your “interest” is brainy, artificial. It’s nothing but a list of things you find attractive. Falling in love is a feeling. You should first experience falling in love as an emotion completely independent from any correspondence to your rigid “ideals”.

Of course not. Yes, they find each other attractive. They meet, and sexual chemistry develops between them naturally, without any pre-requisites. They don’t make lists or demands, they simply let stuff happen. This is exactly what you are not doing.

 

Don’t pretend to be dumber than you are. That’s not at all what I meant and you know it. First of all, you  have no “standards” to speak of. You have a ridiculous set of requirements that have completely dulled your natural instincts. What I’m telling you is not to drop standards, but to actually have real standards. “She must be childless and at least 5’7 tall” isn’t a standard, it’s a primitively materialistic, mercantile treatment of a potential partner, which equates her with an object or a ware. “She must be interested in a serious relationship and have a mature understanding of them” is a standard, for example.

What's sorely missing all over this thread is real emotion. I think it's because of being cut off from it through previous trauma, a psychologically related issue, or most likely a mix of both.

The problem with living in constructed ideals is that its almost all bollocks, seperate from the real world, when this meets what's really happening, it falls apart.

[Gebidozo]

14 minutes ago, FredEire said:

What's sorely missing all over this thread is real emotion. I think it's because of being cut off from it through previous trauma, a psychologically related issue, or most likely a mix of both.

The problem with living in constructed ideals is that its almost all bollocks, seperate from the real world, when this meets what's really happening, it falls apart.

That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell him all along, but it’s like talking to a wall.

 

[FredEire]

13 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to tell him all along, but it’s like talking to a wall.

 

I feel like I can relate to OP somewhat in that I'm also a chronic overthinker and ruminator about the past, blaming myself for what I did "wrong" etc, but it's something I've worked on a whole lot and I'm a while lot better than I used to be.

On thing that helped me massively was taking up Brazilian jiu-jitsu (something I'd strongly recommend to OP). It's extremely difficult and frustrating and you realise the more you struggle and overthink about the "right" moves, beat yourself up etc etc the more you will lose without your opponent really doing anything, you essentially beat yourself.

But the more you practice the more little by little you are able to break out of this mindset, just be still and react calmly when you need to react, observing the situation and being present in it.

If you're to use this analogy what OP is doing is coming in, over-analysing and trying way too hard, but instead of accepting where he is he wants to sit on the mat and go on over and over again about all the reasons he could never get good and it would affect him too much mentally for the black belts to tie him into a pretzel, so he may as well never try. But at the same time it's massively unfair that he's not a higher rank.

Edited May 31 by FredEire