What's the cure for a one-way social life?

[Brian3]

It's been too long. I've gotten tired of the way that everything from finding friends to networking to finding a date seems to go only one way--effort from me, little to nothing in return, and I'm never the recipient of a proactive approach.

 

Using the tactic of finding a neutral ground where other people already are, such as finding "friends" via activities, often is equally sickening--it seems that all too often I'm the only one making any overtures regarding any kind of meetup outside the location. I use quotation marks because people like that aren't friends at all but rather glorified activity buddies at most and incidental human shapes in the background while performing an activity at least.

 

The only countermeasure I seem to have against this is cutting off from everyone and starting over and praying improbably that the same locations (sorry, I'm not about to quit my job and move, or give up the things currently in my life or spend my time doing things I'm not interested in) will put me in touch with different people.

 

I'd love to teach the local area that social effort from me is to be earned and no longer handed out, but I don't know how to. Can anyone help? What would turn a one-way social life into a two-way one?

 

Thanks everyone.

[JayKay]

Hi Brian

 

I dunno -- not sure your suggested approach will work and I don't have tons of useful advice.

 

All I can say is that there is lots to learn from 'socially intelligent' people.

 

You sound like a very smart guy, but perhaps your social intelligence needs some work. I don't mean that as a slur at all -- I am a book smart/intuitive type who needed to work on making-friends skills all my life.

 

I'd spend time observing what makes people who seem to have an active social life successful at it. What do they seem to do that makes other people feel at ease? How do they initiate conversations? What kinds of body language do they use?

 

Just as learning a particular art form, or a type of dance, learning social cues that enhance social interactions and make you more appealing (and therefore, more likely to be on the receiving end of invites) is an important part of functioning within a complex society.

 

I wouldn't give up on your various 'activities' just yet. Yes, it can be a disheartening process at first....but eventually, through sheer tenacity, you should meet at least a few people with whom you 'click'.

 

Do you have at least one or two people you can talk to who will be honest with you about your social skills? I suspect there may be a couple of characteristics (or bad habits) that are making things difficult for you.These can be un-learned, changed or modified.

[daphne]

Brian,

 

I understand your frustration. I used to be there myself a long time ago. I think the key to this is you have to learn better social skills. Learning to seduce people and charm them is the same for friends as it is for dates. You have to lure them in, and you can't do this by trying too hard. Sometimes you have to let them come to you, be a bit mysterious yet friendly and very confident. It seems to be human nature to mistrust or take those for granted that seem to readily like us. I see it even in young children that aren't sophisticated enough to fake it. If you are around kids, try it out on them. See what works on them. I found that smiling not moving towards them, then ignoring them pretty much assures that they'll come around at some point. Adults work much in the same way.

 

I have a lot more friends now with very little effort since I practice a little bit of aloofness with them. If anything, at this point I can't keep up with the friends I have. I also tend to meet a lot of men in my social circles so it's a bonus if you can learn to charm people.

 

Good luck

[SuperMonk]

Yeah I've been there, it's usually the case of bad social skills on your part (in my case, my part.) The thing is sometimes we don't always meet friends that fit our ideals - the best thing is to keep expanding and keep searching there will always be a couple people you will eventually click in with. I know what you mean by "activities partners" it seems as if some friends of mines we get together ONLY if we are both doing the same thing. To me that's not really friendship because friendship involves a deeper understanding of one another and not taking each other for granted at the same time.

 

The only advice I can offer you is to keep expanding your social circle as well as trying to socialize better. I know that I have to keep learning how to socialize.

[monkey00]

I know what you mean by "activities partners" it seems as if some friends of mines we get together ONLY if we are both doing the same thing. To me that's not really friendship because friendship involves a deeper understanding of one another and not taking each other for granted at the same time. QUOTE]

 

tell me about it. i know a couple people like that and we call each other friend. But in the end if i want to do something and they make excuses or they want to do something and i make excuses...well cant really force it if you dont have common interests. In the end they dont really respect you enough to do something that isnt in their interest...or they're just simply too selfish. IMO true friends take turns doing something that isnt of their interest with one another. It's give and take.

It's interesting that i realized something recently. People are nice to you when they want you to do something with them. However time may come that you want to do something, and those people can easily disrespect you on the spot. Run away from these types immediately, they're leechers and selfish at heart.

 

In the end everyone has their own wants and needs in a social setting with a desire to do particular activities. Nowadays everyone appears too caught up in their busy lifestyles that it is difficult to get them to do something. Even if they may not be busy, they'd rather stay home and do absolutely nothing.

 

The best you can do is to expand your social circle and find a group of people to do activity A that you favor. And another group to do activity B that you may favor. see where im getting?