Help!! Don't know what to do.

[Marc]

I have been in a relationship for about 5 months now, Things were great. We were crazy for each other but for the last few weeks she has been acting differntly than normal. She has been distant, very moody, and she doesn't show all the affection towards me that she used to. I have tried to talk to her about it and she just says that she gets wierd sometimes and that in the past she tends to push guys away with out realizing it. All she wants lately is to go and hang out with her friends and not spend any alone time with me. The last 4 times i have tried to make plans for her to come to my place so we could be alone she has found a reason not to or for us to go to her place where we can't be alone. But even through all of this she tells me that she still wants to be with me and that she loves me, but she just doesn't show it. All I want is for her to just once in a while come up and kiss me or sit next to me and snuggle like she used too. I have tried absolutely everything to get some affection out of her and it is just not happening. I am very much in-love with her and really want to make it work but i don't know if I can tolerate being treated like this anymore. Please help

[Tony T]

Well, something is definitely happening with her and she's not willing to fess up to it. Feelings do change. The best time for most relationships is in the very beginning, when all is new. If a relationship is NOT a keeper, one or both of the partners start pulling the kind of crap your girl is right now. They start to pull back.

 

You need to be strong enough to tell her you aren't able to handle the changes in her, that she is no longer what you want, and be able to move on. Plain and simple.

 

If she still really cares about you, she will modify her behavior. But people can't be phony for very long. Right now, she is being sincere by pulling back. Even if she buckles in to your wishes and starts being artificially affectionate, snuggly, etc., it won't last.

 

You need to face the fact that things are winding down.

 

Have a talk with her and see what you can negotiate. But understand that every girl you date isn't going to be a keeper. This is exactly what is meant to happen when you aren't with the person you are meant for.

 

The system is working...even if it is painful.

[Marc]

Thank you Tony for the advice. I have been considering breaking it all off but when we sat down and talked about it she said that she doesn't know why she pushes people away. When she started to do that to me my first reaction was to hold on tighter and try to do more for her. I have been doing it for weeks now. She didn't react to that very well. I think it just pushed her futher away. I told her i would give her space that she needed as long as she treated me that way i needed. She agreed to try but she said that she didn't know if she could stop pushing me away. She said that none of her ex's were as patient as me with her and they didn't stick around. I really don't want to end the relationship unless i have too. When things are good between us I am the happiest i have ever been. I would like any more advice you can give me on on how I can make things better between us. Thaks again

 

Well, something is definitely happening with her and she's not willing to fess up to it. Feelings do change. The best time for most relationships is in the very beginning, when all is new. If a relationship is NOT a keeper, one or both of the partners start pulling the kind of crap your girl is right now. They start to pull back. You need to be strong enough to tell her you aren't able to handle the changes in her, that she is no longer what you want, and be able to move on. Plain and simple. If she still really cares about you, she will modify her behavior. But people can't be phony for very long. Right now, she is being sincere by pulling back. Even if she buckles in to your wishes and starts being artificially affectionate, snuggly, etc., it won't last. You need to face the fact that things are winding down. Have a talk with her and see what you can negotiate. But understand that every girl you date isn't going to be a keeper. This is exactly what is meant to happen when you aren't with the person you are meant for. The system is working...even if it is painful.

 

[Tony T]

There's really nothing in the world you can do to change another person, with the exception of asking them.

 

Just another thought, though. There may be some things in her background that cause her to run away from intimate situations, to fear them.

 

She may have fear of abandonment from some childhood experience such as her father leaving after a divorce or even the death of a parent or other significant person. In that case, as a relationship would get better, it would bring in this fear of loss or abandonment into the forefront. As one gets closer or more in love, the fear is greater...thus unconciously, or without knowing why, pushing away the beloved as a preemptive strike before being hurt someway or being abandoned.

 

Whatever the reason is, she's the one who's going to have to get help for it, counselling, etc., or just plain change. You don't need to force yourself to be with somebody who has ceased to fulfill your needs. While this fear of intimacy thing is not unusual, there are lots and lots who don't have it and who will continue in their attention and affection...as you need.

 

She can get over it with counselling if she has a desire...or even a willingness to admit she has issues.

[sparkle]

By trying harder and trying to hold on to her tighter, yes you are indeed pushing her away.

 

Stop calling her, and stop asking her to come hang out with you. Let her make the effort this time. And when you do hang out, you don't have to keep trying to cuddle her if she's not responding back to you. Don't do anything. Keep your distance. Let her get close to you on her own.

 

Relationships are about give and take, remember? Not give, give, and give some more.

 

You don't have to end the relationship right now. But see how long it takes for her to call you back or make any effort whatsoever to be with you and make you happy. And if it is longer than you expected, then start thinking about getting out of it.