Question

[JR]

My g/f and I have been having some problems, One of her ex boyfriends has come back into her life just recently. They didn't date very long from what I hear and decided to just be freinds. But he flirts with her and he trys to get her to spend time with him. He asked her to go on a vacation to virginia beach with him and his friends for a couple of days. She told me that she would have gone if not for something important she had to do this weekend and that made me very mad. When I tried to tell her that it would really bother me if she went, she got all defensive and said "well what do you think I'm going to do Screw him". She also said I didn't trust her. I just don't like the fact that it seems to me that he is trying to get back with her. He didn't ask any of his other female freinds to go just my girlfriend. Now I know i can be jealous at times and it my cause a fight but we always talk about it and work it out. But when we talked this time it just wasn't right. I asked her if she even considered talking to me about it before she decided to go to see if it bothered me. her response was "So i have to ask your permission before i go anywhere with my friends" I am not trying to control her life I just don't know what I should do about this guy.

[Tony T]

I'm with you. Though she didn't actually do it, going on a vacation with an ex while she had a current boyfriend would have been 100 percent, totally and completely wrong.

 

I wouldn't put up with the crap a whole lot longer, it's just not worth it. Her friendship with this ex seems to be very close on par with her fondness for you if not greater. Hang in there just a bit longer, but if your feelings continue as they have been...dump her.

 

Whether he's trying to get her or not, whether she's sleeping with him or not...whatever...a close relationship with an ex is NOT appropriate, plain and simple. But, the big point here is that you're not feeling good about this and it is keeping you stirred. It's just not worth going through that. The relationship is being destroyed by her interest in seeing her ex and you own feelings about that.

 

It also sounds like a real powerplay as well. The two of you are fighting for control of this relationship and she's going to show your butt. If you think that's the case, you ought to negotiate some points to make the two of you more even in the partnership.

 

I think if this ex of hers is not making an effort to date other girls and find a girlfriend of his own, he is absolutely, definitely after your lady. Give them your blessings.

 

Whether she went on this vacation with him or not, she wanted to and saw no reason for asking your feelings about the matter. I think that pretty well tells you the level of consideration and respect she has for you.

 

I also think she may even be getting her kicks by seeing your jealous reaction, seeing her ex's jealous reaction and enjoying her ability to work both of you at the same time. She may also be using you for a stable landing spot in case she's not able to get things going again with her "buddy." If there was not still a serious emotional attachment with him, she would not be so insistent about doing things with him.

 

I, personally, would drop her. I don't put myself through emotional crap like this anymore. But you may not have reached that point yet. You gotta be strong in this love stuff or it will eat you alive.

 

I wouldn't put up with this chick. Life is just too short to deal with someone in a relationship who simply doesn't care how I feel. I would be out the door pretty fast on this one. Of course, you have to make your own decision here.

 

Sorry, man, you picked a dud.

[midori]

This isn't good, your gf is being remarkably insensitive to your feelings. How would she feel if the tables were turned and it was you that was seriously considering going away w/ an ex-girlfriend?

 

I wonder what she's getting out of her renewed association with this ex? Is she so dense that it hasn't occurred to her that he's interested in more than just friendship? Is she hoping for something along those lines herself? Or is she perhaps trying to prove a point to you (but really to herself), in an inappropriate and damaging way? I've known some people in relationships who feel it necessary to demonstrate that they are still free to do as they please, that their partner has no say in who they hang out with or what they do. As if they're afraid that having consideration for their partner is a form of "dependency" that would make them weak and less of an individual. I don't know where this mind-set comes from, whether it's the result of ingesting half-understood psychobabble terms like "co-dependent" or having previously been so engulfed in a relationship that they really couldn't make a move without the approval of their partner.

 

At any rate, your gf needs a reality check. Of course she's free to do whatever she likes. And so are you. And it sounds to me like you don't want to have a girlfriend who refuses to consider your feelings when making decisions, a girlfriend who is either unable or unwilling to call a spade a spade (or in her case an ex-bf wanting to get back together w/her). I wouldn't want to have a boyfriend who was flirting with disaster like that. And I'd have no qualms about telling him so. It's not about manipulating or controlling: it's about wanting to be with an intelligent person who isn't actively disregarding my feelings. 'Cause the way I see it, being in a relationship is about having concern for the other person's feelings. Your girlfriend doesn't seem to be able or willing to do that.

 

Good luck

My g/f and I have been having some problems, One of her ex boyfriends has come back into her life just recently. They didn't date very long from what I hear and decided to just be freinds. But he flirts with her and he trys to get her to spend time with him. He asked her to go on a vacation to virginia beach with him and his friends for a couple of days. She told me that she would have gone if not for something important she had to do this weekend and that made me very mad. When I tried to tell her that it would really bother me if she went, she got all defensive and said "well what do you think I'm going to do Screw him". She also said I didn't trust her. I just don't like the fact that it seems to me that he is trying to get back with her. He didn't ask any of his other female freinds to go just my girlfriend. Now I know i can be jealous at times and it my cause a fight but we always talk about it and work it out. But when we talked this time it just wasn't right. I asked her if she even considered talking to me about it before she decided to go to see if it bothered me. her response was "So i have to ask your permission before i go anywhere with my friends" I am not trying to control her life I just don't know what I should do about this guy.

 

[sparkle]

I agree with Tony and Midori.

 

It would be wrong for a girl to take a vacation with another guy (especially an ex-boyfriend) while she's dating someone.

 

And on top of that, she was planning on going to Virginia Beach?? That place sucks!! lol

 

I would get rid of her quickly if I were you.