Need advice from Love Shackers

[Alcindor]

I have been in a relationship for 8 months. I was crazy about her at first, but the moment I saw a friend I've been crazy about for some time the feeling dropped off an intensified for my friend. This happened about 6 months ago.

 

My friend plays volleyball with me in the summer. She's 23 and I'm 30. She played baskeball in high school. I was getting started coaching and was helping the team she was on. In fact, I'm still with the team. A friend doesn't think the past coach, player thing should matter because that was about 5 or 6 years ago and I wasn't much of a coach back then, more like an intern.

 

I called her after our volleyball matches last night and asked her to lunch. Here's what I said "I was calling to see if you would like to have lunch tomorrow or sometime next week, sometime."

 

There was a pause after that, then she said yes, but not tomorrow and to give her a call next week.

 

I don't want it to be a "lunch date". She knows I have a girlfriend. I just want to get to know her better and if get to get to know me better. She is a great person and I would like to have a relationship with her, but if that were to happen, I would want it to be done right. Get to know each other better as friends first. See if that friendship grows. If it grows enough then move on to a date. I've just been in relationships that start as a date and I want a relationship to start from friendship.

 

I didn't say any of this stuff to her. I was afraid that was going to scare her away. I am/was considering sending her an e-mail to assure her I'm not under the assumption that having lunch with her would be a "date."

 

Thank you in advance for your advice.

 

P.S. How do I delete previous posts with my password?

[Tony T]

First of all, DO NOT email her. Emailing her to let her know you just want to have lunch and that it's not a date would sound very lame...and also set off big alarms in her mind if they haven't sounded already.

 

She very clearly told you she would like to have lunch "but not tomorrow" so call her Wednesday or Thursday and ask her to lunch. Keep the conversation light and casual and just make it look like you'd like to get caught up on what she's been doing.

 

I also think you ought to break up with the lady you're currently seeing. Obviously, you aren't into that relationship very much if you're chasing other people. If nothing works out with the 23 year old, you'll be free to find other ladies you are more excited about than the one you are seeing now. It just isn't fair to her for you to be pursuing other women...which is EXACTLY what you are doing with this 23 year old...while you are in an exclusive relationship.

 

Frankly, it doesn't sound like the 23 year old is all that interested but, over time, she might be. Some younger women are very excited about men five to ten years older. Some just aren't interested at all. If that's the way she is, she may not want too much from you until she is 30 or so. You'll just have to explore this for yourself.

 

You also have the problem of letting her know of your interest. She probably does not feel the same way and still looks upon you as a coach. Your idea about starting out friends first is very good on the face of it but it's often very difficult to convert friendships into romance. Just be real sharp about all this.

 

But, please, let your current girlfriend out of her contract. I feel really sorry for her. She has no idea you're interested in someone else. Let her go.

[marzipan75]

This is a tricky situation for all involved, not just for you. For starters, it basically sounds like you are not ready to be in a relationship so maybe you need to "do right" by being honest with your current girlfriend. I'm not saying break up with her but if you have feelings for someone else and you seem to genuinely want to pursue those feelings regardless of the possibility that this other girl may not return them then you need to not be in a relationship to do that. If you have lunch with her as friends then it is not considered a date but since you are friends with this girl I think you owe it to her to be honest with her as well. She may not consider this lunch a date but it sounds like you are. Your intentions, although seemingly good are still not exactly good for your current girlfriend. While your current girlfriend thinks you are just having lunch with a friend you are actually having lunch to see how much you still like this girl, am I right? It's what it sounds like anyway.

 

It's okay to consider the possibility of dating other people but you have to be fair to your girlfriend by being honest with her. It sounds like you want your space and that you want to see what other possibilities are out there for you. Do her a favor and tell her that you are interested in seeing other people. Yes you run the risk of losing your current girlfriend and at the same time not being able to form a relationship with the other girl but that's a risk you are going to have to take if you want to explore the possibility. It is a bit selfish to think that you could form a new attachment on the side while you re consider your relationship with your current girlfriend.

 

I hope I don't sound harsh there, it's just that if you really are smitten by this other girl then you do owe it to your girlfriend to let her go and be free to pursue the same possibilities as you want to. Think about it.

 

Good luck, I hope that helps you.

I have been in a relationship for 8 months. I was crazy about her at first, but the moment I saw a friend I've been crazy about for some time the feeling dropped off an intensified for my friend. This happened about 6 months ago. My friend plays volleyball with me in the summer. She's 23 and I'm 30. She played baskeball in high school. I was getting started coaching and was helping the team she was on. In fact, I'm still with the team. A friend doesn't think the past coach, player thing should matter because that was about 5 or 6 years ago and I wasn't much of a coach back then, more like an intern. I called her after our volleyball matches last night and asked her to lunch. Here's what I said "I was calling to see if you would like to have lunch tomorrow or sometime next week, sometime." There was a pause after that, then she said yes, but not tomorrow and to give her a call next week. I don't want it to be a "lunch date". She knows I have a girlfriend. I just want to get to know her better and if get to get to know me better. She is a great person and I would like to have a relationship with her, but if that were to happen, I would want it to be done right. Get to know each other better as friends first. See if that friendship grows. If it grows enough then move on to a date. I've just been in relationships that start as a date and I want a relationship to start from friendship. I didn't say any of this stuff to her. I was afraid that was going to scare her away. I am/was considering sending her an e-mail to assure her I'm not under the assumption that having lunch with her would be a "date." Thank you in advance for your advice. P.S. How do I delete previous posts with my password?