Exhausted and Struggling with Whether or Not Marriage is the Right Choice; Fear and Guilt of Leaving

[NegativeZero]

So, I’ve been a long-time lurker, and I apologize in advance for the long post, but I am feeling really stuck in between a rock and a hard place and am struggling with knowing how to best move forward and handle things. I have been reading some of the various relationship/family distress-related posts here lately and have been blown away by the amazing responses of support, advice and encouragement shared here. I am struggling with my own relationship and family right now and am hoping that I can be on the receiving end of some of that same empathy, support and compassion.

I am a stepfather to two Kids and I have no bio-kids of my own. My Partner has severe anxiety, depression, and trust issues. She and I are engaged to get married later this year and…basically ever since we've been engaged, we have been fighting. It is becoming a pattern that any time it is just my Partner and me, we argue, we fight, we talk past each other and are short with one another. It has gotten very miserable and exhausting, to the point where I almost dread those times, instead of looking forward to them like I used to when we first started dating. Every day I wake up scared of any unanticipated drama that is going to happen; nervous about how that day is going to go. Is my Partner going to have extreme levels of anxiety? Is she going to have a panic attack? Did I do something to set her off or make her feel like I am hiding something from her? Are the kids going to be bonkers-wild today and stress her out? I never know what to expect and, with a stressful job along with the added stress of being a step-parent, I am just feeling like it is all too much…

Now, I have definitely caused my share of fights and arguments; I have messed up a lot and I have owned and acknowledged my mistakes...but I am actively trying to change and better myself and it just seems like things are getting worse and worse. For context, I grew up in a household where we were taught and expected to never focus on “negativity”, and to always cater to others’ needs instead of protecting our own or standing up for ourselves. This led to me developing huge communication issues, especially lots of people-pleasing and telling others what I think they want to hear instead of the truth. I have lied a lot in my relationship, about small stupid things and bigger, more serious things, and am actively in individual therapy working on this. We are working on this together in couples therapy as well and, while I have been making big improvements …the damage I have caused to my Partner is already done. And while I am actively working to rebuild that trust and reestablish a healthy foundation between us…my Partner does not trust me, and has told me as such. Much of the anxiety my Partner feels so severely is directly related to the insecurity, instability, and stress and fear they feel all the time because of the fragile foundation I have caused us to be on right now.

Even with all the work I am putting into myself and our relationship, I can’t help but shake the feeling that my Partner and the Kids would be better off without me. I view myself as the source and cause of my Partner’s anxiety, depression, and fragile mental state. My Partner can’t sleep, can’t function at their job, can barely handle day-to-day tasks…and I see it and feel it as entirely my fault. I constantly return to thinking: “If I wasn’t here, none of this would be happening to my Partner”.

We have been in couples counseling for a long while now and things almost seem worse than they were when we started. I dread any time my Partner shares with me that they are feeling anxious or that something is feeling "off" between us, because I know it is going to later lead to some other huge fight and argument. I have been scared to admit to myself that, lately, when I consider a future where we don't get married...I feel immense relief. But I can't tell if that is just pre-wedding stress and jitters, or if this is really a serious concern that I need to take a good hard look at.

Certainly, the hardest part of that is the idea of leaving the stepchildren. I am the main father figure in their lives. If my Partner and I separated, they would be crushed. But, as the wedding date approaches…I can’t help but feeling like the better option for all of us is to call it off. The pain I have caused my Partner seems so daunting and so deep that I will never be able to fix it or reestablish the connection we previously had. I know it takes an undetermined amount of time to heal these wounds, but the constant fear and anxiety my Partner feels because of my actions, the fear surrounding uncertainty of her future, safety and peace, is exhausting and damaging to both my Partner and myself—and I can see it affecting the Kids as well. While there truly do exist feelings of love between us, and we genuinely try our best to help one another and to be a partnership, for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem to be working. I am devastated to feel this way.

Recently, my Partner straight up told me that they don’t trust me, and that they don’t look forward to doing anything with me because it always results in us fighting when we’re alone, and we can just fight at home instead of wasting money. My Partner has told me that they don’t even really know why we are together because everything seems miserable. Hearing this while planning a wedding is not comforting, nor is it fun to hear. I am trying my best, I really am, but I am constantly more and more nervous about whether or not I am making the right decision for my life and if we should call things off. I am scared and exhausted; stressed and tired. I feel guilty for feeling this way, especially because of how devastating such a decision would be for my Partner and the Kids. They have already been through so much disappointment, abandonment, and pain. I love all of them dearly, and if we decided to end things, I fear that it would just be another reinforcement to them that they are “not valued” and that anyone that has ever cared about them will abandon them, as that is all they have known. I don’t want them to feel that way; it’s not true.

I don’t know. I need help. Sorry for the long, rambling and venting post…I just…don’t know what to do. I feel stuck and helpless and sad and exhausted, and I am just so, so tired and scared.

Edited March 20 by NegativeZero
removing too personal of details

[NegativeZero]

So, I’ve been a long-time lurker, and I apologize in advance for the long post, but I am feeling really stuck in between a rock and a hard place and am struggling with knowing how to best move forward and handle things. I have been reading some of the various relationship/family distress-related posts here lately and have been blown away by the amazing responses of support, advice and encouragement shared here. I am struggling with my own relationship and family right now and am hoping that I can be on the receiving end of some of that same empathy, support and compassion.

I am a stepfather to two Kids and I have no bio-kids of my own. My Partner has severe anxiety, depression, and trust issues. She and I are engaged to get married later this year and…basically ever since we've been engaged, we have been fighting. It is becoming a pattern that any time it is just my Partner and me, we argue, we fight, we talk past each other and are short with one another. It has gotten very miserable and exhausting, to the point where I almost dread those times, instead of looking forward to them like I used to when we first started dating. Every day I wake up scared of any unanticipated drama that is going to happen; nervous about how that day is going to go. Is my Partner going to have extreme levels of anxiety? Is she going to have a panic attack? Did I do something to set her off or make her feel like I am hiding something from her? Are the kids going to be bonkers-wild today and stress her out? I never know what to expect and, with a stressful job along with the added stress of being a step-parent, I am just feeling like it is all too much…

Now, I have definitely caused my share of fights and arguments; I have messed up a lot and I have owned and acknowledged my mistakes...but I am actively trying to change and better myself and it just seems like things are getting worse and worse. For context, I grew up in a household where we were taught and expected to never focus on “negativity”, and to always cater to others’ needs instead of protecting our own or standing up for ourselves. This led to me developing huge communication issues, especially lots of people-pleasing and telling others what I think they want to hear instead of the truth. I have lied a lot in my relationship, about small stupid things and bigger, more serious things, and am actively in individual therapy working on this. We are working on this together in couples therapy as well and, while I have been making big improvements …the damage I have caused to my Partner is already done. And while I am actively working to rebuild that trust and reestablish a healthy foundation between us…my Partner does not trust me, and has told me as such. Much of the anxiety my Partner feels so severely is directly related to the insecurity, instability, and stress and fear they feel all the time because of the fragile foundation I have caused us to be on right now.

Even with all the work I am putting into myself and our relationship, I can’t help but shake the feeling that my Partner and the Kids would be better off without me. I view myself as the source and cause of my Partner’s anxiety, depression, and fragile mental state. My Partner can’t sleep, can’t function at their job, can barely handle day-to-day tasks…and I see it and feel it as entirely my fault. I constantly return to thinking: “If I wasn’t here, none of this would be happening to my Partner”.

We have been in couples counseling for a long while now and things almost seem worse than they were when we started. I dread any time my Partner shares with me that they are feeling anxious or that something is feeling "off" between us, because I know it is going to later lead to some other huge fight and argument. I have been scared to admit to myself that, lately, when I consider a future where we don't get married...I feel immense relief. But I can't tell if that is just pre-wedding stress and jitters, or if this is really a serious concern that I need to take a good hard look at.

Certainly, the hardest part of that is the idea of leaving the stepchildren. I am the main father figure in their lives. If my Partner and I separated, they would be crushed. But, as the wedding date approaches…I can’t help but feeling like the better option for all of us is to call it off. The pain I have caused my Partner seems so daunting and so deep that I will never be able to fix it or reestablish the connection we previously had. I know it takes an undetermined amount of time to heal these wounds, but the constant fear and anxiety my Partner feels because of my actions, the fear surrounding uncertainty of her future, safety and peace, is exhausting and damaging to both my Partner and myself—and I can see it affecting the Kids as well. While there truly do exist feelings of love between us, and we genuinely try our best to help one another and to be a partnership, for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem to be working. I am devastated to feel this way.

Recently, my Partner straight up told me that they don’t trust me, and that they don’t look forward to doing anything with me because it always results in us fighting when we’re alone, and we can just fight at home instead of wasting money. My Partner has told me that they don’t even really know why we are together because everything seems miserable. Hearing this while planning a wedding is not comforting, nor is it fun to hear. I am trying my best, I really am, but I am constantly more and more nervous about whether or not I am making the right decision for my life and if we should call things off. I am scared and exhausted; stressed and tired. I feel guilty for feeling this way, especially because of how devastating such a decision would be for my Partner and the Kids. They have already been through so much disappointment, abandonment, and pain. I love all of them dearly, and if we decided to end things, I fear that it would just be another reinforcement to them that they are “not valued” and that anyone that has ever cared about them will abandon them, as that is all they have known. I don’t want them to feel that way; it’s not true.

I don’t know. I need help. Sorry for the long, rambling and venting post…I just…don’t know what to do. I feel stuck and helpless and sad and exhausted, and I am just so, so tired and scared.

Edited March 20 by NegativeZero
removing too personal of details

[NegativeZero]

So, I’ve been a long-time lurker, and I apologize in advance for the long post, but I am feeling really stuck in between a rock and a hard place and am struggling with knowing how to best move forward and handle things. I have been reading some of the various relationship/family distress-related posts here lately and have been blown away by the amazing responses of support, advice and encouragement shared here. I am struggling with my own relationship and family right now and am hoping that I can be on the receiving end of some of that same empathy, support and compassion.

I am a stepfather to two Kids and I have no bio-kids of my own. My Partner has severe anxiety, depression, and trust issues. She and I are engaged to get married later this year and…basically ever since we've been engaged, we have been fighting. It is becoming a pattern that any time it is just my Partner and me, we argue, we fight, we talk past each other and are short with one another. It has gotten very miserable and exhausting, to the point where I almost dread those times, instead of looking forward to them like I used to when we first started dating. Every day I wake up scared of any unanticipated drama that is going to happen; nervous about how that day is going to go. Is my Partner going to have extreme levels of anxiety? Is she going to have a panic attack? Did I do something to set her off or make her feel like I am hiding something from her? Are the kids going to be bonkers-wild today and stress her out? I never know what to expect and, with a stressful job along with the added stress of being a step-parent, I am just feeling like it is all too much…

Now, I have definitely caused my share of fights and arguments; I have messed up a lot and I have owned and acknowledged my mistakes...but I am actively trying to change and better myself and it just seems like things are getting worse and worse. For context, I grew up in a household where we were taught and expected to never focus on “negativity”, and to always cater to others’ needs instead of protecting our own or standing up for ourselves. This led to me developing huge communication issues, especially lots of people-pleasing and telling others what I think they want to hear instead of the truth. I have lied a lot in my relationship, about small stupid things and bigger, more serious things, and am actively in individual therapy working on this. We are working on this together in couples therapy as well and, while I have been making big improvements …the damage I have caused to my Partner is already done. And while I am actively working to rebuild that trust and reestablish a healthy foundation between us…my Partner does not trust me, and has told me as such. Much of the anxiety my Partner feels so severely is directly related to the insecurity, instability, and stress and fear they feel all the time because of the fragile foundation I have caused us to be on right now.

Even with all the work I am putting into myself and our relationship, I can’t help but shake the feeling that my Partner and the Kids would be better off without me. I view myself as the source and cause of my Partner’s anxiety, depression, and fragile mental state. My Partner can’t sleep, can’t function at their job, can barely handle day-to-day tasks…and I see it and feel it as entirely my fault. I constantly return to thinking: “If I wasn’t here, none of this would be happening to my Partner”.

We have been in couples counseling for a long while now and things almost seem worse than they were when we started. I dread any time my Partner shares with me that they are feeling anxious or that something is feeling "off" between us, because I know it is going to later lead to some other huge fight and argument. I have been scared to admit to myself that, lately, when I consider a future where we don't get married...I feel immense relief. But I can't tell if that is just pre-wedding stress and jitters, or if this is really a serious concern that I need to take a good hard look at.

Certainly, the hardest part of that is the idea of leaving the stepchildren. I am the main father figure in their lives. If my Partner and I separated, they would be crushed. But, as the wedding date approaches…I can’t help but feeling like the better option for all of us is to call it off. The pain I have caused my Partner seems so daunting and so deep that I will never be able to fix it or reestablish the connection we previously had. I know it takes an undetermined amount of time to heal these wounds, but the constant fear and anxiety my Partner feels because of my actions, the fear surrounding uncertainty of her future, safety and peace, is exhausting and damaging to both my Partner and myself—and I can see it affecting the Kids as well. While there truly do exist feelings of love between us, and we genuinely try our best to help one another and to be a partnership, for whatever reason, it just doesn't seem to be working. I am devastated to feel this way.

Recently, my Partner straight up told me that they don’t trust me, and that they don’t look forward to doing anything with me because it always results in us fighting when we’re alone, and we can just fight at home instead of wasting money. My Partner has told me that they don’t even really know why we are together because everything seems miserable. Hearing this while planning a wedding is not comforting, nor is it fun to hear. I am trying my best, I really am, but I am constantly more and more nervous about whether or not I am making the right decision for my life and if we should call things off. I am scared and exhausted; stressed and tired. I feel guilty for feeling this way, especially because of how devastating such a decision would be for my Partner and the Kids. They have already been through so much disappointment, abandonment, and pain. I love all of them dearly, and if we decided to end things, I fear that it would just be another reinforcement to them that they are “not valued” and that anyone that has ever cared about them will abandon them, as that is all they have known. I don’t want them to feel that way; it’s not true.

I don’t know. I need help. Sorry for the long, rambling and venting post…I just…don’t know what to do. I feel stuck and helpless and sad and exhausted, and I am just so, so tired and scared.

Edited March 20 by NegativeZero
removing too personal of details

[Wiseman2]

It's good you are going to therapy. Please don't get married. Divorce is expensive and traumatizing. This is already a divorce in the making because you're incompatible and neither of you want to admit it because of excess dependency and a toxic bond. 

[MsJayne]

Sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time. It's admirable that you're putting the kids well-being before your own, but ultimately you have to take care of yourself first. Blaming yourself for your partner's mental health problems is a very big cross to bear, and it begs the question of, if you make her so unhappy, why is she still in the relationship? Can I ask what sort of mistakes you made, were they big mistakes or minor stuff? Also, are you fighting in front of the kids or do you keep it to yourselves? 

[Alpacalia]

This sounds emotionally exhausting for both you and your partner. It sounds like she doesn't believe you have her best interest at heart. Is she in therapy for her anxiety and negative feelings towards you? Does she believe you when you say you're working on yourself? It sounds like she trusts you less each time you mess up and have to admit to it. You in turn start to feel like everything you do is wrong and no matter how much you work on yourself, it's not enough and you'll never be good enough.

If I had to guess, I would say that she isn't being completely honest with herself. It's easier to place the blame on you than to work on herself. It's less scary to blame you because that means she can keep things the way they are. You can't change, and will always be the problem and she will always be the victim, if she doesn't want to change and doesn't put that responsibility within herself.

Edited March 21 by Alpacalia

[NegativeZero]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you are going to therapy. Please don't get married. Divorce is expensive and traumatizing. This is already a divorce in the making because you're incompatible and neither of you want to admit it because of excess dependency and a toxic bond. 

Totally get that. We have both been through significant heartache and trauma in the past, and I feel like we really connected over finally finding someone that was willing to put in the work to create a partnership and actually be considerate and caring towards one another. The excess dependency is also a real thing...I tend to hold myself overly responsible for her emotions; she tends to need constant validation and reassurance. It is all full of tension, anxiety and is spiraling now.

[NegativeZero]

15 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time. It's admirable that you're putting the kids well-being before your own, but ultimately you have to take care of yourself first. Blaming yourself for your partner's mental health problems is a very big cross to bear, and it begs the question of, if you make her so unhappy, why is she still in the relationship? Can I ask what sort of mistakes you made, were they big mistakes or minor stuff? Also, are you fighting in front of the kids or do you keep it to yourselves? 

We have been together almost 3 years now. We do keep the fighting to ourselves, as much as possible. The screaming matches and heated arguments are always outside of the kids' range. But the tension and anxiety in the home is definitely wearing on the kids, and they can feel it, I'm sure.

As stated, I have found lying to be pretty instinctual for most of my life. I guess, in my head, I have found it easier to just lie or offer half-truths, or omit information to "avoid the conflict" later...because it just seems easier at the time. I have lied about failing to set boundaries with family members and friends; I have lied about my feelings of stress and exhaustion when it comes to the relationship and the step-parenting. These have all come to light, and I have been working on remaining honest with my partner.

I started at a young age to tell lies to everyone to avoid conflict because I was taught at home that I was of no consequence and so were my feelings and I had better be exactly as I was expected to be or else. I felt that I had to do it to survive life at home. Unfortunately this bled into everything else too and continues into my adult life. I have since learned it is a maladaptive coping method, and am actively putting in the work to remedy this.

[NegativeZero]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

This sounds emotionally exhausting for both you and your partner. It sounds like she doesn't believe you have her best interest at heart. Is she in therapy for her anxiety and negative feelings towards you?

She's been in counseling for a long time previously (after and during her prior traumas), but has been taking a break lately. My partner was in therapy when we started couples counseling, and her old therapist actually told her to not stay with me any longer because I "had already shown her who I was and who I was going to be" and that it was up to my partner to decide how long she could "choose to put up with [my] behavior for". It's been several months since that; and therapy for herself has stopped.

I've asked her if she would be happier if I left. Our couples therapist has even suggested a brief "break" or minor separation where I go elsewhere, and my partner was not interested. She feels that we won't be able to make progress by separating...but at the same time, it doesn't seem like we are making any progress sticking together in this right now anyway...

Quote

 

Does she believe you when you say you're working on yourself? It sounds like she trusts you less each time you mess up and have to admit to it. You in turn start to feel like everything you do is wrong and no matter how much you work on yourself, it's not enough and you'll never be good enough.

 

 She does say, and has told me and our counselor, that she can see me putting in the work on myself and she can see the progress I have been making...yet, she still does not trust me. I understand that it takes a long, long time to build and then re-build that trust. But you are also spot-on about me feeling like everything I do is wrong, and any work I do or anything I try to do is never enough, and never works, and never seems to be right.

Quote

If I had to guess, I would say that she isn't being completely honest with herself. It's easier to place the blame on you than to work on herself. It's less scary to blame you because that means she can keep things the way they are. You can't change, and will always be the problem and she will always be the victim, if she doesn't want to change and doesn't put that responsibility within herself.

This stood out to me. I'll be honest - I have thought on several occasions during our time together that fights are purposely being picked or started just to see "how far I can be pushed"...when is all the anxiety and fighting and stress going to be too much for me? When will I be the one to finally give up and break it all off? It almost feels like I am constantly being tested and that is exhausting.

 

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, NegativeZero said:

She's been in counseling for a long time previously (after and during her prior traumas), but has been taking a break lately. My partner was in therapy when we started couples counseling, and her old therapist actually told her to not stay with me any longer because I "had already shown her who I was and who I was going to be" and that it was up to my partner to decide how long she could "choose to put up with [my] behavior for". It's been several months since that; and therapy for herself has stopped.

I've asked her if she would be happier if I left. Our couples therapist has even suggested a brief "break" or minor separation where I go elsewhere, and my partner was not interested. She feels that we won't be able to make progress by separating...but at the same time, it doesn't seem like we are making any progress sticking together in this right now anyway...

 She does say, and has told me and our counselor, that she can see me putting in the work on myself and she can see the progress I have been making...yet, she still does not trust me. I understand that it takes a long, long time to build and then re-build that trust. But you are also spot-on about me feeling like everything I do is wrong, and any work I do or anything I try to do is never enough, and never works, and never seems to be right.

This stood out to me. I'll be honest - I have thought on several occasions during our time together that fights are purposely being picked or started just to see "how far I can be pushed"...when is all the anxiety and fighting and stress going to be too much for me? When will I be the one to finally give up and break it all off? It almost feels like I am constantly being tested and that is exhausting.

 

That's interesting that her therapist would say that. It probably didn't help your relationship because it doesn't sound very supportive of the two of you.

I can understand the feeling of being tested too. Whether it is intentional or not, people can wear each other down eventually when that goes on long enough with no progress.

Her therapist is under the impression that you're not going to change - so that might be where some of her thoughts are coming from, and where some of these issues may lie. They could very well not be your fault - you are always free to make your own calm-assertive decisions in your best interest. If you are at the end of your rope, it might be a good idea to consider which decision is best for you, to get out of what isn't good for you anymore.

I admire your strength and resilience in trying so hard and putting up with a lot - I hope you figure out a course of action that works out in your favor. I don't think you deserve to be unhappy. 

[NegativeZero]

@Alpacalia Thank you for your kindness and support. 

[MsJayne]

Sounds like your fiance isn't able to forgive and move forward and so keeps punishing you. Lying, or lying by omission, does tend to cause big problems in a relationship, but you've had the guts to own it and do the work to change it, so your fiance needs to either accept that she can't get past it or let it go and stop with the punishing. Do you think that maybe you have to make the decision for her? I agree with the therapist that a break from living together is probably the best way forward for both of you. You're making it all about the other family members, partner and kids, but you're overlooking the fact that you're not being given enough credit for being willing to work on behavioural change. It's a big thing, you deserve acknowledgement of that, and if you're not really getting it , (maybe you get a bit of lip service but actions always speak louder), you do have a right to run out of patience. Kinda sounds like your current relationship might be a reflection of your upbringing, the feeling that you just can't be perfect enough, and that's a lot of stress to live with. Be kind to yourself.

[ShyViolet]

The reason the couples therapy isn't working is because your relationship is beyond repair.  You don't go through with a wedding when a relationship is this bad.  If you go through with this  marriage, it will be a disaster and you will just end up going through a divorce.  From your post it's obvious that you already know deep down what you need to do.  I understand it's difficult to face this decision but you need to end the relationship before you get any closer to this wedding.

[NegativeZero]

2 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Sounds like your fiance isn't able to forgive and move forward and so keeps punishing you. Lying, or lying by omission, does tend to cause big problems in a relationship, but you've had the guts to own it and do the work to change it, so your fiance needs to either accept that she can't get past it or let it go and stop with the punishing. Do you think that maybe you have to make the decision for her? I agree with the therapist that a break from living together is probably the best way forward for both of you. You're making it all about the other family members, partner and kids, but you're overlooking the fact that you're not being given enough credit for being willing to work on behavioural change. It's a big thing, you deserve acknowledgement of that, and if you're not really getting it , (maybe you get a bit of lip service but actions always speak louder), you do have a right to run out of patience. Kinda sounds like your current relationship might be a reflection of your upbringing, the feeling that you just can't be perfect enough, and that's a lot of stress to live with. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you for this. My fiancee acknowledges my progress - and often she says, even while voicing her anxieties, concerns, or insecurities, that she "recognizes that I am trying" and "is not trying to diminish or take away from my progress" by sharing her feelings.

But then, she still doesn't trust me. Which is justified. But she also still continues to wallow in anxiety and doubt and fear and that is just continuing to allow our problems to spiral...

I sometimes feel, and have felt before, that she also is doubtful about us staying together but she doesn't want to be the one to make that decision. It's much easier for her, I think, to recover when she can say "This happened *to* me, not because I chose this outcome"...so I often feel like I am being pushed and almost "tested" to see how much I can take before breaking. 

Every time I "mess up", I just feel awful. I feel like everything I do is wrong and I can't do anything right and I won't ever be able to do enough to be worth it.

[MsJayne]

6 hours ago, NegativeZero said:

Every time I "mess up", I just feel awful. I feel like everything I do is wrong and I can't do anything right and I won't ever be able to do enough to be worth it.

Can I ask what "messing up" looks like? On a scale of seriousness, are we talking about murdering the family pet or are we talking about forgetting to mow the lawn? When was the last time you "messed up"?