I have no self esteem. Yuck.

[blind_otter]

I must do it to them. I must make all men go crazy. Every time I date one, they eventually go insane. My only assumption must be that it is me.

 

This time, this guy seemed great. We fought about his kid, he was insensitive and cruel occassionally. It escalated over the last 2-3 months we dated. We had broken up, and were talking about getting back together. He was acting weird.

 

He was waiting for me when I got home from work, friday, with a co-worker. I'm trying to expand my social circle since I was so cut off from everyone by my exBF.

 

We had words, he left. He went to get drunk and kept calling me, my co-worker offered to let me hang with him and his roommate because he was freaked out at the weird phone calls. Random women called me from his phone telling me they were going to f*** his brains out, or random people screaming "stupid slut" into the phone.

 

I went over to my friend/co-worker's house for an hour and left, feeling sick. I got home like, 1am. I laid on the couch at home watching "Sex and the City". He showed up after the bars closed, he was so drunk. I didn't know what to do. It was 3am.

 

He went to the spare bedroom and tore it up, tore up the bed frame, threw things around, broke dishes. I begged him to leave and he choked me a couple of times. I don't know why I didn't do anything. It was like I was frozen in place. I just accepted the violence. Like I deserved it.

 

The third time he choked me, he picked me up off the ground by my neck. and slammed me against the wall and knocked me out. When I was unconscious he left the room, and when I woke up I found the phone and called the cops, finally. He left.

 

I felt agonized, like should I press charges? But after what happened with my pscyho ex who is in prison for what he did to me last year...

 

Well whatever. In the end, it's just me going slowly insane dragging everyone with me. Honestly though, I can be mean with my words. I don't get violent, but I get real bitchy.

 

I know I must push them to go crazy, but part of me can't stop believing that it's a choice to get physically violent with someone.

 

And I'm teeny-tiny. I'm like 5'1" and 120lbs. Why do I always date this big guys who think that it's cool to smack me upside the head?

 

I honestly thought that I was going to die last night, when he choked me and knocked me out. I thought, that's it. I'm done, this is how I will die and it's a fitting end. Weird to have that run through your head while you're choking. Like, I was all calm and serene. Even when the cops were here, no crying or hysteria like last year. I was just - empty. I still feel empty. Nothing is there any more. I've lost my effing spunk.

[Outcast]

I know I must push them to go crazy, but part of me can't stop believing that it's a choice to get physically violent with someone.

 

It's not, really. It's too much anger combined with an impulse control problem. If you are taking up with people who have addictions (including to smoking), then part of the reason they have addictions can be that they have impulse control problems.

 

I will hazard a guess that you're not finding these guys at the local bookstore. If you're running into people at bars or at friends' homes where everyone's doing drugs then you'll probably keep finding the same sorts of men. People who are prone to multiple addictions aren't good bets to be the most responsible of people and possibly have other issues. If your major entertainment while dating is getting drunk together or doing drugs, then I'm afraid you're in the wrong circles.

 

Sure it sounds snobby but very often people who are into drugs/booze for recreation are self-medicating either to deal with the major issues in their lives or to 'medicate' disorders - both, sadly, predictors of poor relationship skills.

 

In order to find better guys, blind o, you'll need to change your lifestyle. Yes, there are abusers among better social circles, but I think your chances would be much better if you adopted a healthy lifestyle and hung with healthy folks.

[blind_otter]

baby steps i suppose. I've been clean from cocaine for like a month. I quit smoking and don't drink any more.

 

But hell I work at a bar, so obviously I'm not going to be running into any emotionally healthy men any time soon.

[blind_otter]

Why do I sit here craving contact from an insane person who choked me? it's like something is broken inside my head. I don't know what to value and what to throw away. Every piece of junk has some redeeming qualities. Stop think about good times. Focus on bad times.

[lindya]

I do tend to agree with Outcast's assessment. The whole episode of random people screaming down the phone at you conjures up images of some group drug/alcohol binge.

 

I'm really glad you've stopped the drug use. It may well expand the mind and enhance creativity, but I think the flip side of that is that you start becoming accepting of or immunised to other behaviour and opinions (of others) that will do nothing to enhance your life.

 

It sounds as if you're still in the party girl mode of your life, but starting to reassess it. I think you need to find a way of still being Otter, minus all the self-destructive elements. You probably need to start with recognising that there is much more to you than simply those elements.

 

Are you getting counselling just now?

[Becoming]

Oh, Otter, I'm sorry this has happened to you. It makes me sick to read and tears come to my eyes. No one deserves what you went through last night.

 

And good for you for being clean for a month! :bunny:

 

It sounds lik your soul needs re-stored. Like cleaning out the closet, taking everything out, looking at it, deciding whether you want to keep it, throw it out or put it somewhere else for awhile. Then re-storing what you want to keep.

 

You need to get some counselling to help you with the abuse you've suffered. It's too overwhelming to do alone. Contact the domestic violence center for a referral. You may also want to find a Narcotics Anonymous group you click with to get some free face-to-face support from folks who're looking at the issues that lead them to drugs in the first place.

 

You're not blind. A little myopic, perhaps. But you have some good instincts. Use them for you. You really are worth it.

[Outcast]

Why do I sit here craving contact from an insane person who choked me?

 

Because we get hooked on pheromones. You have to go cold turkey on the guy for a while before the addiction wears off.

 

Congrats, BTW, on quitting stuff! That takes brass ones. Now you need to maybe get a job in a fancypoo restaurant rather than a bar. You'll meet a better class of customer

[blind_otter]

I've been in and out of counseling for years. Since I was 18/19. Problem is, I know what the issues are. I have identified them ad nauseum. More often than not I feel like the therapy sessions I've received involve me dwelling on my horrible week and remembering the horrible things that made me horribly sensitive and weak and confused.

 

It's not cool, man. I miss him, his smell, his touch, it's like he went off the deep end and I am responsible. Perhaps for more than just his problems...maybe others, too, past boyfriends. Maybe I'm a blackhole of asinine decisions and I drag everyone around me into this self destructive downward spiral.

 

I am a party girl with an existential dilemma. How the hell is it that at 26 I still haven't quite discovered the essence of who I am, without the bullsh*t? This is kid stuff. I am making mistakes that I shouldn't be.

[loony]

I also think that your problem is not turning men into crazy beasts, but that you have attracted and got involved with men who innately had a lot of issues. So many times when you came up with a post about a new lover I thought, "Oh holy crap, why is she seeing this guy? He's an absolute loser, why is she not seeing this?" You're really a very bright person and I just can't fathom with what kind of guys who got involved since I read your first post. It's really not you who changes them, it's them, they were already messed up.

 

Outcast is right, it would be a good idea to chance your social circle and your usual meeting place for men, that should definitely improve the quality of the people you meet.

 

If it helps, I also don't really have a firm grasp on my life and I definitely had less traumatic experiences than you. Most people wouldn't have been able to deal as well with their life if they had encountered your problems, so don't be so hard on yourself.

[lindya]

I am a party girl with an existential dilemma. How the hell is it that at 26 I still haven't quite discovered the essence of who I am, without the bullsh*t? This is kid stuff. I am making mistakes that I shouldn't be.

 

Another style of counselling, maybe? What about one that makes more use of the cognitive approach? Going back over past events and making links between them and present behaviour is all very well, but you need to go to the next stage of breaking those links, identifying the sort of life you'd like to have in the future - and becoming the person who can have that life. In a sense you can be anyone you want to be, provided you mean it.

[Outcast]

It's not cool, man. I miss him, his smell, his touch

 

Yep. Pheromones. It's another addiction. It took about three months for me to clear that craving from my system last time. Know it for what it is - like craving cigarrettes, you've just developed an addiction to something that's not healthy. Gotta go cold turkey.

 

it's like he went off the deep end and I am responsible

 

Not at all. He couldn't have gone off it unless he was already standing on the edge. It's not about you other than you ignored all the warning signs, like Loony said.

 

Maybe I'm a blackhole of asinine decisions and I drag everyone around me into this self destructive downward spiral.

 

Quit taking credit for others' issues.

 

How the hell is it that at 26 I still haven't quite discovered the essence of who I am, without the bullsh*t?

 

There are people in their 50s who haven't figured that out.

 

This is kid stuff. I am making mistakes that I shouldn't be.

 

To err is human. It's not 'kid stuff' at all.

[JS17]

Hi blind otter, welcome back. I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to you. It wouldn't do much good for me to tell you that this guy is bad news because you already know that and you already know you need to cut him out of your life. You're one of the strongest people I've seen come across the LS pages, I know that you're capable of letting him go. Don't idealize him, anyone who will try to kill you is a monster. Stop thinking that it's you, it's not, it's them.

 

I recently started a thread with hopes that people will share the resources that they found helpful in building self esteem.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=653251#post653251

I just bought the book that formerly nice guy recommended: "Self-esteem: A proven program of cognitive techniques for assessing, improving, and maintaining self-esteem" by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning. I also bought David Burns "The Feeling Good Handbook". Both came highly recommended to me. I'm about to start reading them. Maybe something on the thread will help you? I don't know but it's worth at least a read.

 

Maybe finding a new job will help you not only meet healthier people but also help your self esteem. Going into a job that you don't like every day will kill your soul. You've already come so far, you should be really proud of yourself for giving up alcohol and drugs, it's not something everyone succeeds in. For that if nothing else you deserve to be with someone who treats you as the incredible woman that you are.

[blind_otter]

Wow. That was just what the doctor ordered. Here I was feeling bad. Not as cry-baby fitfull and nasty as I was last time. Man. In a way I feel like I'm becoming less sensitive in a bad way. Or, alternatively, I'm just more able to cope. I dunno. No contact is definately the easier alternative in breakups.

[Becoming]

Otter, I've been in therapy for so many years of my life I'm giving Barbra Streisand a run for her money. You need to find a therapist who's better suited for you.

 

Therapy in the early years was all about learning how to feel my feelings because I'd just gone numb; it was the only way to survive. I'd had so much happen to me in my early years that I never really developed a self. I was an emotional 5-year-old in an adult world. But I didn't really learn what to do with all those feelings once they were out, and I alternated between being a basket case and numb for about a decade.

 

I got a new therapist who's doing some kind of therapy that's a combination of Jungian, CBT, and work on post-traumatic stress syndrome. And for the first time things are starting to gel in me. I wish I'd had her earlier even though I really don't always like her much because she makes me feel my feelings. I found her through a recommendation of a friend.

 

I also agree that you need a job in a better environment. Can you work the bar at a nice hotel or for special events at one of the big hotels in the area? This is good money, and you meet some great folks. If you run across a priest, psychologist, or counsellor in your line of work, you can ask for the name of a good therapist for someone with {name your problems}.

 

Hang in there, and let this time be the time you decide to choose to act in accord with your wiser self!