10 years, 3 kids later she wants out...

[Romey]

Hello everyone. I have found your posting very refreshing. Some very honest and thoughtful people in here.

 

I could really use some of your insight. My wife of nearly ten years announced to me 4 months ago that she didn't think she wanted to be married any longer. I was taken aback. I knew we had some issues, all couples do. I thought our very nice world was only getting better. We're a pretty young couple, early 30's. We recently bought our first house. She now says she's known for 5 years or so that she would leave me eventually. She just didn't know when. She says I don't give her what she needs. That I have been verbally abusive for so long that she can't allow herself to be hurt again. I admit to my short comings. I have been a jealous and possessive person all my life. Probably from low self esteem. I tackled this problem head on. Thru counseling and various books. Still I think maybe there is more to the story than she tells me. Another man? I doubt it, though she works with many men who find her attractive. She a very together woman. On two occassions in the last 4 months she has told me she thought we could work it out. That she saw my efforts and appreciated them. Now, she says her feelings for me are gone and they aren't coming back. She wants us to separate. I do not. Each time she says she's moving out, she comes back in a day or two. I try to touch her because she's back and she flips out. I want to go to couple counseling and rekindle our flame. To date we are still living together. I am in counseling, she has gone briefly and may soon go again. AS I said she wants to separate. Even though she admits I have changed for the better and changed permanently, she doesn't want to let me in her heart anymore. She shudders at my touch, won't kiss me or let me hold her, let alone make love. I try to give her the love and respect she deserves and show her I'll wait for her forever. She is angered by my new attitude towards her. I treated her as an afterthought for so long, trying to get my career on track and taking care of "number one". I know she is protecting herself. I just wish we could start over.

 

Now for the strange part of all of this. As part of the separation she is proposing, she wants us to do a shared household. That is, I would stay at our house with the kids three nights a week, she the other four per week. I don't see how this can perpetuate us moving on with our lives. Not that I really want to, but she says she does. Do you think this is really in the best interest of the children? Do you think we will ever be a loving couple again? Am I being selfish by trying to hang on to her?

 

Thank you for your time. Please write soon.

[Tony T]

1. "Do you think this is really in the best interest of the children?"

 

No, this arrangement will be confusing to the children. They need a more stable home environment. Consult your counsellor for the best way to handle this. But being in the home three days a week is not a solution. You probably should just go the visitation route like most couples with children.

 

2. "Do you think we will ever be a loving couple again?"

 

No. Once a woman has lost it for a man over time, it rarely comes back. Evidently, there was a lot of pain and hurt over a long period of time. Women have a way of disbonding...slowly. Once they are through with the process, it's pretty much over with. They don't ever want to go through that with the same person again.

 

I think you can be friendly with each other but the hurt is probably so great she will not risk another go of it. Right now, she is very confused and not knowing for sure if she's doing the right thing. That's why she's going back and forth. Ultimately, she will go through with a divorce.

 

If she does stay around, don't look for things to EVER be like they were in the beginning. No matter how much you've changed and no matter how permanent those changes are, the damage was done long ago and remains within her.

 

Don't feel guilty or knock your head against the wall about all this. This was a major growing and learning experience for you and the wake up call that was required to get you to straighten out your act.

 

3. "Am I being selfish by trying to hang on to her?"

 

At this point, if you really love her, you will let her go to do whatever she feels is necessary. Do not put pressure on her, do not make suggestions. She is the injured party here and she must be free to do whatever she must.

 

To the extent that you don't try to keep her, that you allow her to be free to follow her bliss is the extent to which a reconciliation may be possible later on. If you make her feel trapped, put pressure on her or give her any kind of hard time now, you can really kiss a future goodbye with her. Ask you counsellor.

[midori]

I don't think that you are necessarily being selfish. It's very good that you're in counseling and trying to get counseling as a couple too. It does sound like you're dedicated to trying to make things work. It's hard to wipe the slate clean when there is an enormous build up of neglect, resentment, etc. but if both parties are willing to I think it can be done. It will require different things from each of you.

 

To answer your question about the split living arrangments: I've never heard of this being done and it absolutely does not sound like a good idea if you and your wife are trying to move on, away from your marriage. If she has absolutely made up her mind that the marriage is dead then she needs to act accordingly and one of you will need to establish a new home. If she's just trying to get some space to sort things out before making a decision as to whether she wants to make things better or call it quits for good, I suppose her proposal could work, maybe. It seems like there would need to be a set deadline -- 3 months, e.g. or whatever you two agree upon. It's effectively relationship limbo, neither on nor off, certainly not a condition you'd want to maintain for any length of time. I also think there would have to be some explictly agreed-upon ground rules for this living-apart-but-not-really arrangement, especially regarding dating other people (unadvisable in my view).

 

You don't elaborate on how things were between you & your wife in the past but from what you did say it sounds as if you were inconsiderate and neglectful. You wife probably has years of hurt and anger to work through. She's going to have to let go of it ultimately if the two of you are going to move forward together. You can perhaps facilitate that by giving her opportunities to be heard by you, by listening to her recount the pain you've inflicted upon her. If she feels that you've heard her out and that you're fully aware of the damage your old attitude caused, she might be able to believe that you're not going to repeat your past behaviors, she might feel that trusting you with a second chance is worth the risk she'd have to take in trying again. It's important to remember that one demonstrates understanding and appreciation of another's perspective by listening first, and only responding after the other person is finished. On the other hand this part of reconciling with her could only go on for so long: obviously it would be bad if she kept dwelling on the ways that you've wronged her, repeatedly reminding you of them and refusing to forgive and move on. After a while it would cease to be meaningful and would simply amount to her verbally abusing you.

 

If she decides that she can't forgive you there's probably little you can do to change her mind. It's good that you've seen the error of your ways and regardless of how things between you and your wife work out, you have grown in that regard, and that's a good thing.

 

Time and patience seem to be the order of the day here if you hope to work things out with your wife. It might take a while but if you're successful your marriage will be stronger and better than it ever was. Good luck!

[marzipan75]

Hi,

 

I'm incredibly sorry to hear about your separation. I'm sorry you are hurting. I don't know if anything anyone can say to you is going to help at the moment but here goes. You're feeling devastated and maybe even in denial. You say this has gone on on for almost four months now and you sound like you've been through a real rollercoaster during this time. Ask yourself why you want to continue in the marriage. Really think about this. Are you happy? Have you been happy the last four months? Have your children? Has she? She has told you basically that no matter what you have been doing to improve things, her feelings remain the same. Yes it is possible that she is holding a grudge for your previous actions and yes she may very well be trying to protect herself but at the same time you have to ask yourself why you chose to continue in this manner with her.

 

You have tried counseling and she is considering it so my advice to you is to separate. I think it sounds like it's time you spent time away from eachother. Right now all I can see is that you are understandably confused and she is not, she knows what she wants and no matter how much you want her to love you she has told you she doesn't. I'm not saying she never did or that it's not possible again, I am totally not saying that but at the present time, she has told you she does not love you. Think about that. Why do you want to remain involved with someone who can only continue to hurt you in this cycle? Whatever she may be going through, it is difficult to understand and she has offered no explanation to you either. My guess is that she may not understand herself but she has been honest with you and told you how she feels.

 

Now it's your turn. It's hard when marriages don't work out and I am no authority, I've never been married but I can understand having been through a long term relationship that you need to learn to recognize what the other person is trying to tell you. She doesn't want to be in the marriage right now. She may later but right now she doesn't and you are going to have to deal with this no matter what.

 

Take a step back and try to rationalize why you want to continue, if it's making you and her miserable then isn't it worth your time to separate and see where that takes you?I think you should separate and yes, take turns being home with the kids but try to find a way to not interact so much with eachother if you can. She obviously doesn't want that and you don't need to deal with any more rejection. You need to be kinder to yourself and the only way I can think of you doing that is by separating from her in order to avoid further hurt and rejection. If you don't do this you will be so unhappy and in the event that you do divorce you won't be prepared.

 

Maybe you should think of getting a small place of your own, near your house or maybe stay with a friend if you can. Spend more time on your own and time alone with your kids and let her do her thing. Children are sooo important in this and I know I don't need to tell you that you will need to be careful not to neglect them in all this. In all fairness though, don't you think you owe it to your kids at least to have two happy, healthy parents, even if that means they are no longer married to eachother? I think so. I hope you will be able to see this.

 

Take care of yourself and try to take it one day at a time because you deserve better than what you are getting right now. I hope you can recognize this, at least in time if not now.

 

Good luck and take care.

Hello everyone. I have found your posting very refreshing. Some very honest and thoughtful people in here. I could really use some of your insight. My wife of nearly ten years announced to me 4 months ago that she didn't think she wanted to be married any longer. I was taken aback. I knew we had some issues, all couples do. I thought our very nice world was only getting better. We're a pretty young couple, early 30's. We recently bought our first house. She now says she's known for 5 years or so that she would leave me eventually. She just didn't know when. She says I don't give her what she needs. That I have been verbally abusive for so long that she can't allow herself to be hurt again. I admit to my short comings. I have been a jealous and possessive person all my life. Probably from low self esteem. I tackled this problem head on. Thru counseling and various books. Still I think maybe there is more to the story than she tells me. Another man? I doubt it, though she works with many men who find her attractive. She a very together woman. On two occassions in the last 4 months she has told me she thought we could work it out. That she saw my efforts and appreciated them. Now, she says her feelings for me are gone and they aren't coming back. She wants us to separate. I do not. Each time she says she's moving out, she comes back in a day or two. I try to touch her because she's back and she flips out. I want to go to couple counseling and rekindle our flame. To date we are still living together. I am in counseling, she has gone briefly and may soon go again. AS I said she wants to separate. Even though she admits I have changed for the better and changed permanently, she doesn't want to let me in her heart anymore. She shudders at my touch, won't kiss me or let me hold her, let alone make love. I try to give her the love and respect she deserves and show her I'll wait for her forever. She is angered by my new attitude towards her. I treated her as an afterthought for so long, trying to get my career on track and taking care of "number one". I know she is protecting herself. I just wish we could start over. Now for the strange part of all of this. As part of the separation she is proposing, she wants us to do a shared household. That is, I would stay at our house with the kids three nights a week, she the other four per week. I don't see how this can perpetuate us moving on with our lives. Not that I really want to, but she says she does. Do you think this is really in the best interest of the children? Do you think we will ever be a loving couple again? Am I being selfish by trying to hang on to her? Thank you for your time. Please write soon.

[Romey-responds to Tony, midori, and marz]

I wish to thank you for your honest and thoughtful words. It is nice to get fresh perspectives from people who aren't prejudiced towards one side or the other. I love my wife more than life itself, so for that reason alone I should let her do what she needs to. I will read your posts often over the coming days as we decide on our course of action. Thank you all for your supportive and informative opinions. I will keep them all in mind.