Long Distance Relationship Help

[Lonelystar]

Hi everyone.

Well I'm really confused on what to do. My boyfriend just e-mailed me saying he is uncertain of our future because he have been fighting lately ( do to his religious belifs and mine). I know I have egged it on because I love debates but I think he takes them personally. I was supposed to go seem him on the 28th of December and have already bought the tickets. He said he wants to take this time as a "time renewal" for us whatever that is supposed to mean. I don't know if I should go or just stay home. I love him with all my heart, but when you love someone do you have doubts about the relationship at any point. I don't if he still loves me or not , even though he says he does. Any advice would be great since I'm not thinking right.

[d'Arthez]

This is a very tricky situation. Is there any chance you would be able to speak to him before you would take the plane?

 

And pardon me for asking, but how serious are the religious differences perceived to be? And are you perceiving it to be as important as the other partner does?

[Lonelystar]

Yeah he comes home a day before I take the plane so I will. Well I'm Hindu and he is Christian. I told him a long time ago that I could never convert. I'm not a very religious person but I feel a spirtual connection to my religion I could never give up. I don't mind that he Christian at all and respect his belifs. I'm a religious studies minor so I know all about different religions and I like to discuss them. I suppose this could be the problem. He says he loves him, but is uncertain. I just don't know what thats supposed to mean at all. Does he really love me? or is having doubts signify the love going down hill. Thanks for your help.

[d'Arthez]

That perfectly explains your desire to debate religious matters with your boyfriend. And it is also obvious your boyfriend knows about that as well. So in that sense, the religions are not the real issue. However, it seems the discussion is the issue.

 

It could be the case, that he has taken some remarks you may have made as personal attacks. Without you intending them as such. Or it may have given him food for thought - and doubts may have set in about the desirability of a relationship with someone from a different religious background.

 

Have you had any indication that he takes things personally in other areas of life as well? If so, then that is his ways for dealing with problems. And not the best - but that is beside the point for this question.

If however, this is the first time he reacts like this, then it points to the fact that it is an issue of the utmost importance to him.

 

Either way, I would definitely try to communicate a bit with him, and a calm way, before you decide whether or not to go.

 

And yes, sometimes love is not enough to make a relationship work. Sadly. But the doubts themselves do not prove anything by itself. It just proves that he is reflecting on the situation and the relationship.

[Lonelystar]

Yeah I have told him plenty of times not to take it personal but I have done research on things and I have told him what I have found. I know love cannot keep a relationship together and thats what sucks. I hate how religion, ethnicity, and other factors weigh in so much. I love him with all my heart and do not tell him that his religion is inferior or anything, just simply discuss issues brought up in class i find interesting. Heck I have even made arguments against my own religion or point out things I do not like. He makes me upset because he believes homosexuality acts are sin and I do not. However, none of us are homosexual so I have tried to look past it. He isn't a gay basher or anything but thinks the act not the people are in sin. Anyways besides that we get a long well. Want to raise kids without a religion and let them pick. I think I will try to talk to him and see how he feels before I do go. He wrote me an e-mail saying he loves me so much and letting go of me wouldn't be easy but he is uncertain at times about our future. I don't want to be in a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere. Maybe I should wait out to see what happens, because nobody really knows what the future holds for anyone. I just don't know how to react because I cannot change m belifs. I could pretend but it wouldn't be true to who I was. Thank you so much for your advice. I really apperciate it.

[justagirliegirl]

It sounds like maybe your fights are going a bit overboard.

 

Noting wrong with a good debate but ya gotta allow people to save face and know when enough is enough.

 

Would you want to lose him over this?

[Lonelystar]

No i wouldn't. I have tried talking to him telling him not to take things on a personal level. However, I decided not to talk about religion anymore but I cannot change my morals for anyone even if I wanted. If he wants to be with me he will have to accept me for who I am as I do with him.

[Lonelystar]

I just got an e-mail from him today that said

 

"i managed to get the computer room for a minute so i thought i'd email you again. thank you for being so understanding with everything you've said. i think we're at the most open point of our relationship and we should take advantage of that. i think we should talk about faith and our relationship seriously when you come...i have lots i want to share with you when we see eachother. i know we're both going to do the best we can to make it work. we'll still have lots of fun when you come though...movies galore . i'm looking forward to seeing you. i love you, don't forget that."

 

so I guess I'm going to go see him but my heart still hurts and I don't know why. He tells me he loves me but says he is uncertain . Who knows what will happen.

[d'Arthez]

i think we're at the most open point of our relationship and we should take advantage of that. i think we should talk about faith and our relationship seriously when you come... i have lots i want to share with you when we see eachother. i know we're both going to do the best we can to make it work.i'm looking forward to seeing you. i love you, don't forget that.

 

These are the relevant points in the email he sent to you. Of course it is hard to imagine what will happen next, but it looks promising. As for the uncertainty, part of it is the openness that has been created because of the discussions.

 

As for the hurt in your heart, that is probably also a reflection of your fear you may have (had) lost him. And because you indeed did not know what was to come. Try to understand what you have gained, by creating the openness.

 

Judging by the email and the earlier mentioned things, I think it would be wise to go and talk about the issues in person. That way, it is easiest to discuss things, and to understand each other.

 

I assume of course you have met each other before.

[Lonelystar]

Yeah we have met eachother before. These problems started to happen when it became an LDR. I hope everything work outs. I guess I do have a fear of losing him, but even if I do I suppose thats life. You love and lose, and love again. I hope I can make it workout. Thanks for your time and advice.

[Greg25]

I guess religious beliefs can become important when one person believes very strongly in the truth of their beliefs, and also believes they need to inform other people of the same truth. Because most religions have a 'missionary' element, based on converting people into seeing reality in a way they didn't see it before, this can cause problems when the person who has those beliefs has to interact and deal with those who don't have them.

 

It is true I hold certain religious beliefs or ideas about religion which many other people do not hold. I do not accept for example, the doctrine that sinners are sent to hell forever with no chance at salvation; nor do I believe that homosexuality is the capital vice it was once portrayed as in Christian circles. I also accept the theory of evolution and reject the idea of a literal creation 6,000 years ago. Many would vehemently oppose these views on religious grounds, and I can respect their right to air these views, even if I don't agree with them myself. But if someone else can't respect my right to air my view, and tries to force me into adopting a belief not of my own, I turn away and leave.

 

I think it is similar with a relationship where conflicting religious beliefs come into play. If one partner is a Muslim and another a Christian, the relationship won't work if the Muslim insists on the Christian becoming a Muslim and the Christian refuses. But if the Muslim is willing to respect the beliefs of the Christian partner, even if he or she disagrees with them, the relationship has a chance at working.

 

I would hope a partner would have a similarly liberal view on religion as I do, even if she didn't believe in anything that I did. While I think the Truth is one, there are many symbols and paths to the Truth. I admit I would have problems with someone who constantly insisted there was only one path, and all others led right to hellfire.

[Lonelystar]

Exactly. I feel less connected to my boyfriend after hearing how he takes things so personally about religion. I am some what religious but very liberal and open minded. I believe in Evolution , but also Karma. I know this may sound silly but I don't know if I could be with someone who doesn't believe in Evolution or someone who doesn't have a liberal view on life. I thought I could as long as we respect eachothers beliefs, but the issues always come up. I have respect for what he believes but it is not something I want for my own life. I don't know if this relationship will last but if it does there needs to be mutual respect and understanding on both sides.