when men start looking elsewhere... Is it the end ?

[winter2005]

When having relationship troubles. I understand men and women r diff. Women vent off to freinds and etc. while men go out and have fun. speaking generally,,,

But is it too Late when they start looking elsewhere for love/sex/comfort?

 

Will that be the end of everything? Or does confusion play a role here?

 

DO MEN THAT LOOK ELSEWHERE-- EVERR DECIDE TO TURN BACK BECAUSE THEY MISS WHAT THEY HAD?

[travellingman]

the end? My head is usually turning during the beginning.

[winter2005]

i was just wonderinf if there is hope for a second chance with a man when they start looking elsewhere for love?

[travellingman]

i was just wonderinf if there is hope for a second chance with a man when they start looking elsewhere for love?

 

Yes, there is. Looking for it isn't the issue, finding it is.

[winter2005]

so hes out going to clubs/bars looking for love....

Hope- if he does not find love

No Hope- If he does

Could he just be looking for fun?

Lets say he does find someone. what are the odds that hell like me more after really getting to know her?

[travellingman]

so hes out going to clubs/bars looking for love...

 

Stop right there. I used to live at the bars, and never did I find love at any of them. They were great for meaningless hookups, but that's it.

 

I've loved just a handful of women, and each one I met when I was completely not expecting it.

 

Looking for fun is not a problem, finding someone you really connect with is much harder. Doesn't sound like you've got much to worry about.

[winter2005]

I am his wife- Somehow he convinced himself hes not married anymore.. he needs space....

I m asure there is nothing to worrry for now... But How to I stop him from doing what he does before more damage is done.

He also does not want to discuss the realtionship at all....

[travellingman]

It's very important to give him space. My wife has gotten better about that.

 

If he's trying hard to meet someone, at best he'll find a cheap hookup, which I promise you he'll regret. Unless you're psycho or something, he'll realize he should come back to you, but it might take some time.

[winter2005]

All I said when he went out was Have fun..

He wants out because of my "disrespect to him" which consists of arguments fights etc.. Which ended 5 months ago and I am a calm chnaged person

YES-- I am giving him space... But how long ? I have nagged about it and begged about it.... but I have stopped.

He is worried that is he decided ot give me a second chnace he may remember how i use to be and that will never make him truly happy.. and I assured him that I will help him forget it by giving him respect first and then love.

This really hurts..... Travelingman-- Is this a normal guy thing?

Your posts really helped me tonight I am home alone just wondering where he is and if hell change his mind.

[justagirliegirl]

winter, is he still in the house enjoying all the benefits of being a married man while playing single guy?

 

Are you still doing for him? household chores, cooking, sex?

 

This has been going on for 5 months? If he is still living there enjoying his married life with you, then kick his sorry arse out and tell hiim if he wants to play single guy, he is free to but he can do it someplace else.

 

I hope you are not having unprotected relations with him and please don't let yourself get pregnant when things are bad like this.

 

You need to show him that you have a spine and you have self respect.

 

My ex and I had horrible abusive fights but none of that ever made either one of us want to see other people. That is just a lame excuse.

 

Tell him to ship out until he shapes up!

[riobikini]

WINTER2005,

 

You have posted other threads recently with this same problem, and have gotten the same jest of feedback from LS ppl.

 

Why are you posting a new thread?

 

Are you expecting a different answer?

 

I have reviewed both YOUR posts AND the replies from them.

 

The repliers are giving you the SAME answers as before.

 

The only thing different is, you keep posting new info that only serves to confirm repliers' answers and validate them.

 

Also, a HUGE factor with your relationship problem is (and HAS BEEN ALL ALONG), an issue YOU haven't dealt with, -nor fully accepted the responsibility for: your refusal to have begun addressing your husband's complaint that you weren't working on building up your self-respect and disciplining yourself to make improvements, -which he obviously found very unattractive.

 

It also sounds as if the problem of insecurity and lack of self-respect did not exist when you met, -which indicates you have been changing into this mousy, clingy, perhaps, stuck-in-a-rut housewife persona over the period of your marriage.

 

He had begged you to start taking better care of yourself, become active, work on yourself, keep yourself up, and maintain some of what attracted him to you in the first place, but you refused, thinking you could cajole him into feeling sorry for you and sticking with you anyway.

 

You tried having your cake and eating it, too.

 

You tried manipulating him by countering all his requests of you with the translated statement, " You should love me no matter what I become." with your stubborn actions.

 

But, Winter, love does not work that way.

 

You abused your rights in the marriage by trying to manipulate his emotions against the demands of maintenance and improvement that he NEEDED from you.

 

He missed the woman he married.

 

He must have been more than dismayed to see his lovely, desirable wife become enveloped (by her own choice) within a cocoon of bland, unexciting, mundane-ness that, over time, sucked the life right out of the marriage.

 

And once she saw his dismay, became a clingy, wishy-washy, extremely insecure female who STILL refused to even attempt to reignite the fire in the marriage and do some constructive things to repair it.

 

He gave you time, (I believe he may have given you more time than you actually deserve), to fix the problems you had let happen to yourself.

 

You just stubbornly refused, and, instead, began using the very manipulative technique of trying to make HIM feel guilty, as if it was all HIS fault, somehow.

 

Now, after your husband has finally decided that he's given you all the time he's going to, and has accepted that you are never going to change, you run to this board to get help and advice on how to fix the problems.

 

Yes, that IS what it's for.

 

And, yes, I did say P-R-O-B-L-E-M-S....with and 's', -meaning MORE than one, now.

 

He's out looking for something, (and he doesn't even know what, he just knows it's what he doesn't have now in you), -consequently, his 'looking' only introduces another huge mistake in the series, threatening more impending heartache and stress for the both of you.

 

I don't agree with his decision to stay in the home and live with you as man and wife and still go out to the bars looking, (in my book, that makes him a name I can't say on here)...but Winter, -you put him there.

 

You say you have changed, but I still hear this clingy, whiny (feel sorry for me) tone in all you have written.

 

You want ppl to take your side and tell you that you are OK and that he's the bastard for leaving you and going out looking, -while you 'forget' to shoulder much of the blame for any of this and deftly keep the fact it was a longstanding problem you could have chosen to deal with some time ago, out of the spotlight of focus.

 

Why the scramble to make a plea now? -And why still employ the same manipulative methods on LS ppl that you have, obviously, used on your husband?

 

You may still love him, as you say you do.

 

And if you do, I can respect that from a 'sacred vow' point of view.

 

But it is more likely because you are just faced with the sudden, stark reality that you are really going to, (or have already), -lost him.

 

Whether you still love him or not, you are used to his presence and you have had him dancing at the end of your string for so long.

 

It's difficult to lose that kind of power over another if you have issues with self-esteem, confidence, and you know you've let yourself 'go'.

 

After all, -who else is going to be there for you?

 

WAKE-UP CALL!

 

Winter, you are going to have to stop playing manipulative games and really do a thorough, introspective look at your behavior and GET committed, STAY committed to some drastic, eyeopening, soul-searching, life-changing plans, techniques, and advice that will (finally) help you pull your head out of your ass and give you a snowball's chance of keeping your husband at home and your marriage together.

 

Whether he chooses to continue as your husband or not, you need to look at yourself and feel 'alive' again.

 

Life and love cannot reach it's full potential until we learn to be honest with ourselves and know our own square root.

 

I have said all I know to help you.

 

You can now consider me speechless as I will be soaking my poor fingers for days after typing this, and will not reply to this post again.

 

Good Luck!

 

Hope I was not too hard on you, -and....

 

Take care.

 

 

-Rio

[winter2005]

RIO- Do you think I’ll see a change in his attitude if I consistently prove to him that I have changed?

[riobikini]

See...that's just IT!

 

You are proving it to HIM!

 

He wants to see you do something for YOU!

 

Yes, -if you truly make changes, he may see them...but he's looking for you to make those changes for YOURSELF, which will show that you are growing in self-respect and self-interest....which has been the problem: you began NOT caring about YOU and let your entire life begin to revolve around HIM.

 

In doing that, he noted weakness and insecurity, i.e. the 'clingyness' you had been smothering the relationship with.

 

I think (collective info from all your other posts), that you were once a very independent, self-assured, beautiful lady who gave off vibes that you didn't exactly NEED him, -but that you WANTED him and that you were 'OK' with allowing him in your life.

 

This was (is) key in his attraction for you (or women, in general).

 

But somewhere during your marriage, you began to change into this very NEEDY woman, which turned him completely off.

 

He was drawn to your strength in the beginning and how you cared about yourself.

 

Winter...as I said before...whether he continues in your life or not, YOU NEED THAT BACK!

 

P.S. Couldn't help but reply back to you. (Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio