Christmas Eve Explosion

[MickieJ]

Today is Christmas Eve, all the packages were wrapped, dinners were planned, and it seemed that we would have a nice holiday.

 

But my oldest daughter exploded in emotion and anger, something she has a long history with. As a 14th yr old she began cutting, and a few months later tried overdosing on pills. We saved her, had her attending counseling for many years after, and took Paxcil. For awhile she was fine, but then she would act out again. At 18 she was denied some opportunities for career training, based on her health history, which she signed off. Since she has been an adult, her temper has flared on occasion, but never to the degree as today. Now at 21, she no longer wants to take pills, or talk to anyone, as she feels that someone needs to accompany her, and that it is a share burden. She has been off Paxcil for about 6 weeks, and increasingly her behavior and moods have swung wildly.

 

It started out a nice day, but she soon soured when her boyfriend wanted to deliver packages to his relatives, with her. By the time they got back, she marched into her room, and locked the door. Her bf said she was hot, that things had become physical. I suggested that he leave, spend the day with a friend, and maybe we would see him tomorrow. She came out upon his exit and asked if he was going to spend Christmas with us. I told her I had suggested that he leave, and give you time to relax. She kept huffing and puffing around, so I decided to run to the store. Because of her mood, I called her dad (we are divorce, 10 yrs) and alerted him to her current state. When I returned, she was in my face yelling at me because her dad had called. I asked her to back off, and leave me alone, but she insisted. I didn't want to call the cops on Christmas Eve, so I left, tellling her 18 yr old sis to do the same. I figured time to coll off might help. It seems she took pills again...her bf came over to get some clothes, found her, still yelling, and called 911. She threw his xbox at him on the street. Eventually she was taken in a ambulance, and is under 24 hr watch.

 

Ever fiber in my body says "Tough Love" - it is time for her to deal with her problems. But as a mom that is a hard hard answer. I love her with ever inch of my heart, I want to help her, but at 21, she is in control. For the past year she seemed to turn her life around, was attending college, to get an AA this next June. So full of promise, but she can't see it through the forest of problems! I am telling myself that I have to continue with some Christmas...for me and her sister, but it is so hard when a big part of you is hurting.

 

Any experience with tough love? My single wish this Christmas would be for her health and happiness...I hope Santa reads this.

[Outcast]

With all this 'counseling', has she ever had a formal psych diagnosis? I don't think what's ailing her will be helped by 'tough love' at all. It sounds as though she's suffering from something fairly serious.

[JayKay]

I agree, it sounds like she possibly has a chemical imbalance. Did you get a formal diagnosis?

 

You must be in agony over what to do.

 

Is there any alcohol abuse or drug abuse involved? Many people with emotional problems do abuse substances in order to find relief. If she is abusing either, it could also contribute to her mood swings.

 

If there is drug or alcohol abuse involved, you could attend Al-Anon meetings; these supportive groups help the families and loved ones of addicted people.

 

Are their support groups for parents in your area? Maybe the hospital social worker can refer you to one. If you can meet other parents with mentally ill children, they could probably advise you better than anyone.

 

As for 'tough love', that's a hard call when dealing with mood disorders or mental problems. Is she capable of holding a job? Paying bills?

 

I honestly seem to have more questions for you than answers. I hope the hospital offers good resources and some answers. My heart goes out to you.

[amerikajin]

Mickiej,

 

I think you basically did the right thing. I would continue to look at a possible period of psychiatric treatment that goes beyond mere counseling; she may need more than that now. It is possible that this might by physiological as well as emotional so this warrants professional evaluation by a psychiatric specialist (M.D.).

 

A word about therapists and psychiatrists (MD's) for that matter. Get good references on your doctor, or do as much background research as you possibly can. Some therapists and psychiatrists aren't worth a flip and it can result in mishandling of the patient.

 

I hope everything works out.

[MickieJ]

Luckily there isn't any drug abuse. She tried pot about 5 yrs back, and I understand got very sick, so she doesn't like it, doesn't like to be around people that do it. As for alcohol, her father is an alcoholic, and both of my parents were walking alcoholics, but she rarely has anything to drink - doesn't like much that she has tried. Nor do I drink much, maybe once a month, one or two glasses of wine. But she is aware that she has a tendency toward that addiction.

 

Back in 1998, we had her tested for chemical imbalance, but nothing was found. But over the years, it is possible something has happened.

 

She is 21, but can't hold a job much, knows her problems with managing money, so she basically withdraws into herself, unless she is with her bf or her family.

 

Thanks for the suggestions, they are worth looking into.

[clandestinidad]

I've dealt with some similar things (dealt with depression and suicide and self-abuse since middle school), and must tell you this:

 

TOUGH LOVE WILL NEVER HELP A SUICIDAL PERSON

 

This is absolute DEATH to someone who is down in an inescapable hole. They already feel worthless and unloved, and for the people who are supposed to support/love them unconditionally to reject them is the worst thing anyone could ever do.

 

I know this not only from my experience with myself, but also experience watching others. A few years ago some family friends were having troubles. One of their children (their only son) couldnt stop himself from drugs and other 'bad' things. They decided to use tough-love on him, and told him that he wasnt welcome to spend Christmas with them b/c he keeps messing up. And until he got himself on the right track, they would not see him.

 

He went to a recreation area we had all spent time at, and hung himself from a tree. No one knew where he was until 2 weeks later when some men found him there.

 

You cannot do this to your daughter. Tough love might work on some people, but not on people who have been suicidal

 

At some point, she will realize that she needs to take medication and talk about her stresses. She will realize that by talking them out with someone every week or more often, it releases much of the stress that bogs her down. Its when those stresses have nowhere to go that they will build and become too much to deal with.

 

She WILL realize what she needs to do to feel better. Give her time to see it. In the meantime, mental/psychological hospitalization may be necessary.

[Milo]

I'm with Kat on the suggestion of admitting this person to a mental hospital. I think it helps put the behavior consequences in perspective, too, while offering therapy.