I am so mad!!!!!

[melissa85]

Hey guys,

For those of you who don't know my story...I am falling in love with a guy who I have known for sometime. I think about him ALL the time, I buy him small gifts, talk to him a lot, go out with him occasionally and also email him a lot...

So, he brought me chocolates for Christmas and I don't know why but he gave it to my friend to give it to me...so whatever..I am so MAD at him!!!

I have thought about stopping all this long back , but I just can't , he has been there for me in my roughest times and I can't just let go of him...

So, anyone who has been through with something similar, tell me how do you let go..how do you stop caring about someone...I am having such a hard time letting go...and I really want to ...so guys how do I go about doing that...

Any ideas???

[melissa85]

Any suggestions, comments , advice:(

[travellingman]

I don't see what the big deal is, you're mad because his friend gave you the gift, not him?

[johan]

The way you described it makes it sound like you're just friends, but you want more. I think more information regarding the relationship you have with this guy would help. On the surface, passing on a gift through a close friend does not seem like such a big deal. But it is to you. So I need more info before I could say anything helpful.

[melissa85]

Thanks for your reply. Well...here is my story...I have known this guy for a year now and he has been a really good friend to me ...he has seen me through lots of ups and downs and I have really been dependent on him in a lot of ways. He has been there for me through a lot of rough times and I think he does more for me then any friend would..

Now, I guess I have developed feelings for him and I don't know where he stands...Like he bought chocolates for me , but instead of giving me directly, he gave it through a common friend...I mean it really infuriates me ..if he likes me why not just come out in the open and if he doesn't why do so much for me? Any thoughts????

[JayKay]

You could flip this around and ask yourself, if you like HIM so much why not be open and direct and see if he wants to take the relationship further?

[johan]

Thanks for your reply. Well...here is my story...I have known this guy for a year now and he has been a really good friend to me ...he has seen me through lots of ups and downs and I have really been dependent on him in a lot of ways. He has been there for me through a lot of rough times and I think he does more for me then any friend would..

Now, I guess I have developed feelings for him and I don't know where he stands...Like he bought chocolates for me , but instead of giving me directly, he gave it through a common friend...I mean it really infuriates me ..if he likes me why not just come out in the open and if he doesn't why do so much for me? Any thoughts????

 

Melissa,

 

I don't know the reasons why he does what he does. I think male/female friendships are often hard in ways just like you describe. One person or both has feelings, one or both are confused, the friendship is valuable, but the feelings can't be denied. Maybe in the end you find out it wasn't really a friendship at all, but just a vehicle for one or the other to try to get to something deeper.

 

I really think that you and he need to figure out what the heck it is you have, and why you have it, and decide what to do from there.

 

I don't understand your anger, to be honest. Not that you don't have a right to be angry, but what you describe doesn't normally lead to fury. At least not how you describe it. But if you're frustrated, I think it's worth trying to figure out what is so frustrating for you and address that head on.

 

It's getting to be time for you or him to take the risk that opening up and being honest about your feelings is going to lead either to something more or a breakdown of the relationship. It's coming sooner or later.

 

Note I used the word "honest". I believe nearly all male/female "friendships" are built on deception. One person or the other is not being open about their feelings and the other has no idea what the real reasons for the relationship are. I think that's leading to your problem.

[melissa85]

I am going to attempt your questions honestly. I have tried in tlhe past to open up this issue with him. I have tried to tell him that I like him more than a friend and he just said that I am probably confused and that he was pretty flattered to hear that. So, to this I asked him what did he think of me and he said "what is there to think?". So, I realised that he is really not into me and decided to move on...3 days later he calls me and says, "hey, stranger..I haven'y heard from you?". Sometimes, I get so mad at him...I just want to yell at him...like..if you don't really like me..why bother? Why bother to help or call or anything?

I mean he asks me to call him and then when I call , I'll just get his answering machine. I ll email him..and no reply. Then randomly he calls me after 3-4 days wondering where I am? so, all this makes him look like a jerk, right? But thus is where it gets confusing..he has lent me over 20K for my tuition loans and he never mentions that he did such a big thing? So , help me out here guys why is he so nice to me...when he doesn't care?

Any answers, Johan?

[johan]

I am going to attempt your questions honestly. I have tried in tlhe past to open up this issue with him. I have tried to tell him that I like him more than a friend and he just said that I am probably confused and that he was pretty flattered to hear that. So, to this I asked him what did he think of me and he said "what is there to think?". So, I realised that he is really not into me and decided to move on...3 days later he calls me and says, "hey, stranger..I haven'y heard from you?". Sometimes, I get so mad at him...I just want to yell at him...like..if you don't really like me..why bother? Why bother to help or call or anything?

I mean he asks me to call him and then when I call , I'll just get his answering machine. I ll email him..and no reply. Then randomly he calls me after 3-4 days wondering where I am? so, all this makes him look like a jerk, right? But thus is where it gets confusing..he has lent me over 20K for my tuition loans and he never mentions that he did such a big thing? So , help me out here guys why is he so nice to me...when he doesn't care?

Any answers, Johan?

 

Melissa, I have no idea why he does what he does. Look at the facts, though:

 

He likes your relationship with its distance.

He won't really address your feelings when you bring them up.

He's occasionally rude and/or inconsistent.

He isn't asking for more, so you can conclude he doesn't want more.

 

I think the answers you really need you can provide for yourself.

 

Are you ok with a relationship like this?

Do you want to be with a guy who doesn't really care how you feel?

Do you want a guy who is rude?

Do you really want to have more with him if he's indifferent about it? Even if he passively consents to more?

 

You can assume what you have is what you'll continue to have. You made the effort. The choice is yours.

[melissa85]

it is really good advice. here are somethings I really want to figure out...let's say you are in his place and here is a girl you are friends with. Why would you venture to help her more than is really necessary? If you do, would ou not want something in return? If you are really not into someone why bother to take care of them? you know what I mean? It sounds weird to me as a female....I really have no idea why men do what they do? In the sense why they put themselves out there for you and when you try to get too close they withdraw themselves...so, could you justify his actions??

[johan]

it is really good advice. here are somethings I really want to figure out...let's say you are in his place and here is a girl you are friends with. Why would you venture to help her more than is really necessary? If you do, would ou not want something in return? If you are really not into someone why bother to take care of them? you know what I mean? It sounds weird to me as a female....I really have no idea why men do what they do? In the sense why they put themselves out there for you and when you try to get too close they withdraw themselves...so, could you justify his actions??

 

No, I don't know why he helped you so much. Some guys just like to "save" women. Some guys are just nice guys. Some guys want something in return. Some guys are psychotic.

 

When really pressed, people often have a hard time really explaining their own actions. Let alone having tons of insight into those of others. For instance, can you really explain why you are so bent on being with this guy? From what I can tell he doesn't seem like much of a catch, and you've deliberately overlooked a lot. He's offering pretty much everything except what you're really after, so what's up?

[melissa85]

Well, to be honest..I am really after this guy 'cos like you said, its not easy to find nice people. He is really successful, does really well for himself, he is smart, good looking, comes from a nice family and cares for me a lot. I have gone out with several guys and with most of them, they are really looking for something ...and with him we can just have a nice time and he never ever asks me for anything. So, you know most girls look their entire lives for nice guys and when you find someone you have great chemistry with and who is nice to you and who you think might be great for your future, you can't help and wonder..like I am.So, if things were reversed and a girl did tha t to you, wouldn't you be interested..?

[luvtoto]

So, anyone who has been through with something similar, tell me how do you let go..how do you stop caring about someone...I am having such a hard time letting go...and I really want to ...so guys how do I go about doing that...

Any ideas???

 

I am going through the same thing with my guy friend. When I read your post I felt relief and thought great I am not the only woman with a friend like this. I've posted about my issue before so feel free to read my post history.

 

I have decided to let him go. I just am tired of trying to figure out his intentions. It's annoying. He either needs to be awarded "the nicest guy of the year" award or he is out for something else.

 

I put him on the spot yesterday in an email. I asked him why he does the things he does. It's ok for him to flirt with me, but when I attempt to tell him how I feel...he just runs and hides. I have never heard back from him. Got no explanation. I've known him for a year and never put him on the spot like that before. He would tell me how beautiful I was...lots of things that a boyfriend would be telling their girlfriend. I called him on it. He didn't like that very much. Well, too bad. I have a right to know what the hell is going on...and I am prepared to lose him.

 

I told him the other day that he should no longer contact me. Seems kind of sad...but, it's a viscious cycle. I think these kinds of guys are just out to save the woman. They are just nice guys...not lookin' for more than just a little superman action. It's freakin' impossible to not develop feelings for these guys because of all the sincere things they do for you. They are always running to your rescue.

 

It's a never-ending catch 22 situation. So, be careful with your heart.

[johan]

Melissa,

 

I don't want to either encourage or discourage your feelings for him by trying to interpret him some way. When there isn't a ready explanation for someone's actions, it's best to take them at face value. He IS nice to you and sounds like a great guy, but he also hasn't so far shown any willingness to move forward with you. And that's the main ingredient.

 

Trust me, when a guy wants to have something real with you, the signals are generally offered right up front. Doing nice things and loaning you money and being cool to hang out with are not enough.

 

I'd say that it's time for you to make a real effort. Get the truth out of him once and for all so you don't have to keep guessing. Pretty much everything you wrote above is appropriate for him to hear. You're saying everything here that you should be saying to him.

[melissa85]

Thanks luvtoto for sharing your experience. Its really nice to know that you could get over this guy...how did you do that? It is easy? I wonder, how do you stop caring about someone?

Johan, to tell you the truth...if it were that easy to talk to him..I probably would not be here

He is like a boy running from emotions, feelings and like such...He sure has me stuck in all this crazy stuff!!! I have no idea how to get out of it...

[luvtoto]

Melissa,

I am stuck too. Don't be so hard on yourself. You developed feelings for someone who treated you like gold. That's not so bad. It hurts though to not have my feelings returned by this guy. Big blow to my ego I guess. Immature...maybe. But, I gotta do what's best for me and that is no contact from him. He needs to go find someone else to save. I am tired of getting hurt and dissappointed by someone that doesn't feel the same about me. He sure fooled me...but, I don't think it was his fault...or maybe it was...God!...there I go again!!

No contact with him is the only solution. We live 1.5 hours apart so I don't see him anyways. That'll make it easier. Someday, I'll have the real thing!Good luck!

[melissa85]

Hi again,

Thanks for your post. I know what you mean...but its so difficult to let go. I have known him for a year now, and in this year I speak to him everyday, sometimes 3-4 times a day. It is a big deal.. I tell him everything my fears, my life, my family. He is a really really busy guy, yet he takes time to talk to me. Yet, he never tried to kiss me or get touchy feely. He must have given me atleast 25 K so far. Although He and I both know that it is a loan, we have no written agrrement for it. I mean, you know in this day and age who is like that???

No, one and yet he has a certain distance he keeps. So, I don't know...I can't call him and tell him, don't call me anymore, cos I am tired of being treated like a friend??

you know what I mean..I feel like I share this bond with him and I just don't want to break it ..SO what is the best thing to do ??what did you do??

[luvtoto]

These two guys we are talking about sound identical!! My guy just last week told me that he would raise my kids if I would die. I had a friend die in a car accident recently and I called him upset about it. I have no family. Now what kind of guy friend would say that if he wasn't wanting more from me!!! Ugh. He is an awesome father to his two boys. How can I not fall for him?? How can he not have feelings for me if he goes and says that?? Very frustrating!

I completely understand exactly how you feel, Melissa. What do we do? Just refuse to fall for him I guess. Crap...he just signed on to msn. Gotta go!

He's online and everything. I guess he has time to reply to my email...just chooses not to. Ouch. I guess I know how he really feels now. Will make it easier to walk away.

[melissa85]

I am so glad that you can relate to my situation. I know about the emails. I write him 1-2 everyday and he never, ever replies and I know he checks them...cos I get the sender notification. SO, what's up??? earlier we used to chat a lot , but if I started to get too personal, he would just shut off the communication, like say something like, ok, I gotta go...or I am sleepy and crap like that...So I am not sure whether he even likes me or he just does this sorta thing for his ego..

[Greg25]

I guess the problem with some friendships is one person may sometimes feel there is more to someone's actions than there really is.

 

It is true you find this fellow attractive, but at the same time there is probably a reason he has not started a relationship with you. Sometimes the reason is the fellow doesn't want to risk a friendship on something that may not work out. Perhaps he simply has no romantic feelings deep down for you; as others have pointed out, he hasn't actually made a major signal of interest. Generally, if I really wanted a girl and felt I could trust her, I would let her know in a fairly short time. Perhaps he wants another person, but is careful to not hurt your feelings.

 

In the end, you can't make someone love you, or buy their love. Purchasing someone lots of nice gifts or praising them may give them pleasure, but to love someone is a free choice which can only come from the heart. It can't be forced; you can pretend to love someone, but you can't make yourself love someone you don't really love.

 

You seem like a person who has had some bad experiences, and your friend might be trying to show you that some guys can be nice and sincere and treat a girl decently, to boost your self-confidence and self-esteem, but that doesn't necessarily mean he loves you. He may have feelings for you, or he may not. It seems to me as if you are going to need to find out, so you can have your own peace, and move on if there are no romantic feelings there.

[melissa85]

Thanks Greg,

It's really nice to know this specially from a guy's perspective. I think you are absolutely right. I guess as girls we analyse, overanalyse and dissect things till they can't be dissected anymore and I guess we like to believe that everything means something...but sometimes it doesn't . So, maybe I need to be a big girl and grow up and move on...

But, tell me you are a guy so would you do so much for someone without expecting anything in return... think about it....it doesn't make sense...why would you loan someone huge amounts of money, without safeguarding yourself. I am only 20..so you know maybe he thinks like he should protect me or something like that.. who knows??

[luvtoto]

I can relate so much with your situation. Communicating with my guy was a waste of time. He would open up to me in a moment of weakness...then, he wouldn't even acknowledge he said the things he did to me. I got to the point where I just took everything he said as just a hypothetical response. But, then I figured...I don't need this! It's not fair to me. Another day of NC with him.

[melissa85]

hello again! I know what you mean, about the emotional dissconnect... I think this guy purposely avoids going there...I don't really know why? But you know something, I admire you for not keeping any connection with him. I am at a point where I really can't do this. Like today was a perfect example. I didn't call him the whole day and then I made up a silly excuse to call him at night. It's really so silly, but I just can't help but dial his number and talk . Sometimes I get his voice machine and then I even get jealous!! I am left . wondering is he with some other girl, is he making out with someone all sorts of weird thoughts. I have to confess , at one point I thought of finding out if he has other girls he does that to, like through a mutual friend, but then I thought I didn't wanna know that. I would like to think that I am the only special girl, he'd do these things for..

So, ya ..I really have to learn from you how to stop his presence in my life.

[luvtoto]

Well, the last time I talked with my guy he was talking about how he's fixing a ladies car. A single mother who is about to have a baby or something...

He said that she overpaid him. So, then I spent the rest of next day jealous and trying to find out exactly what was going on between him and this girl. If she paid him to fix the car then they are not dating or anything, right?! He'd talk about driving by her work to see her about her car. Why even tell me this? But, according to him, everybodies just a friend to him. He's not looking for or wants a relationship adn abviously doesn't understand why I have developed feelings for him. But, yet, according to him, I am the exception to woman in his book, and I am gorgeous!! Whatever. He's just a "woman saver".

 

My guy needs to find a woman that is just a selfish-taker and also someone who doesn't appreciate anything he does for her. He could run to her rescue forever and never have anyone falling in love with him. Win-Win situation for both wouldn't you say? Oh..wait...I just explained his x-wife actually.

 

Melissa...I feel your pain. Good Luck.

[melissa85]

Hey,

I thought I'd tell you that I didn't call this guy today and I miss him already!!! How do you do this...boy its difficult...Just trying to hang in there..