Author melissa85 Posted December 30, 2005 Author Share Posted December 30, 2005 Guys, I give up...yesterday I came home and I had a brand new printer with fax machine sitting at my door. I had mentioned to him some weeks back that I am having to fax a lot of stuff these days...to Ohio and he just said...I see and our conversation ended. Now, this... Should I just return them...I feel excited and terrible at the same time. How do I break this cycle?? Link to post Share on other sites
Greg25 Posted December 30, 2005 Share Posted December 30, 2005 Hi guys. I guess I should relate some of my own experiences. I did at one stage give one girl lots of money while not in a relationship with her; my ex-g/f. She asked me at the time to help her financially (she was moving around and her husband at the time wasn't with her) and I was glad to help, even if it cost me very considerably financially. We were friends at the time and I did those things for her, not because I wanted her to leave her husband, or I wanted a relationship with her, but because we had known each other and she was (at the time) someone I loved and trusted as a close friend. After a while though I realised I was just being used and I decided to end the friendship unilaterally. I've done other nice things for women as well, some I loved and wanted a relationship with, and some who I just wanted to be friends with, to signal I appreciated their friendship. With the girls I loved though, I made my feelings pretty clear, and I did things for them which I only did for them and no-one else, such as writing poems. And I told them I loved them or wanted a relationship, at some point. However, I'm fairly keen to make it clear when a friendship is a friendship and when I want something else, because I felt it was unfair to give a girl mixed feelings or signals; if I couldn't or didn't love her, it would be unfair to tell her lies or give her signals of quasi-love because that is just emotional manipulation. All men are different, and to be honest I don't know what the two men mentioned here are up to. A lot of men have issues from past relationships which went sour but still desire the love or company of women, but often can't trust a woman enough to express their feelings directly. (This is common amoung men who have had a partner cheat on them or humuliate them emotionally). They might express romantic gestures to women but only in the context of a 'Platonic' relationship, because in a Platonic friendship you really can't get dumped for another bloke or have a partner cheat on you; for many men who have had bad experiences in relationships, this is one way to deal with desire for women. As a couple of people have sensed, some men seem to have a 'hero' complex where they wish to be the hero who comes to the rescue to the damsel in distress; when the damsel is no longer in distress, they might feel as if the woman has no need for them, until she is in distress again. I think in this case it has more to do with the praise and boost in self-esteem which probably comes from women who express gratitude or affection for their 'noble' actions, rather than a desire for love; in another sense, you could say it is a way of getting the praise a girlfriend or wife might give, but with less risks and cost. Other men find it hard to express their feelings openly and so they express affection or admiration for a woman by buying her gifts or paying her bills. Perhaps the man likes the woman but feels he is doing the best by her when he is being the provider; after all, a lot of the masculine image is built around notions of being 'in control' and 'on top' of things, including money matters. Supporting a woman gives a man a lot of pride and feelings of strong self worth, while relying on a woman quite often gives the opposite. Perhaps by buying a female friend lots of things the male friend he is doing the best thing he can do by her, without feeling actual romantic love. Men are complex creatures and they all act for different reasons. I think in Melissa's case, you need to ask your friend why he is doing these things and where his feelings truely lie. It is unusual for a man to spend such large amounts of money on a woman, unless he feels something quite strong for her inside. Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted December 31, 2005 Share Posted December 31, 2005 I think in Melissa's case, you need to ask your friend why he is doing these things and where his feelings truely lie. It is unusual for a man to spend such large amounts of money on a woman, unless he feels something quite strong for her inside. I agree Greg. By the way, Melissa, has your friend had his heart broke recently? This might explain his behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted December 31, 2005 Share Posted December 31, 2005 I think he treats you like a friend because thats what you *are* to him. You need to put him in the friends zone and probrobly NC so you stop thinking about every single little thing about him. You need to get out and date more.... Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted December 31, 2005 Share Posted December 31, 2005 I've had no contact with my guy for a little bit now. Everyday is a struggle. One of the no contact days was his birthday. I felt like a jerk for not talking to him...but, I am feeling much better not having someone around messin' with my head. How are you doing, Melissa? Link to post Share on other sites
Author melissa85 Posted December 31, 2005 Author Share Posted December 31, 2005 I guess most of you are right. I feel awful..but am hanging in there. I miss him so much, I really don't know what to do? I really do want to be around him, but I guess he doesn't feel that way:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted December 31, 2005 Share Posted December 31, 2005 * Exactly * : He does not feel the way you do....he does not feel that way about you. As painful as it is....( NC ) its necessary for your healing . Its vital even...So don't feel bad on special occasions because he isn't..... Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted December 31, 2005 Share Posted December 31, 2005 I guess most of you are right. I feel awful..but am hanging in there. I miss him so much, I really don't know what to do? I really do want to be around him, but I guess he doesn't feel that way:confused: You said that you miss him so much...are you trying NC with him? Is he not around as much? Link to post Share on other sites
Author melissa85 Posted December 31, 2005 Author Share Posted December 31, 2005 ya, I am tryin to avoid calling him, its really tough as usually I speak to him 3-4 times a day. So, I feel awful..like I think about him all the time , what he's doing and just stuff like that..so you know its really feels like I should pick up the phone and call him, but I won't do that...luvtoto how do you do it??? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted December 31, 2005 Share Posted December 31, 2005 Its called Imagery. Imagine him in living color. Slowly have or visualize him turning to faded colors and then to grey. Then to nothing.. His image will fade from your mind. This takes practice. The same with every song or thought or reminder. You have to train your mind to say NO when a thought of him comes up. Push it out. After practicing it will become easier. Remember, YOU control your mind and your thoughts. Retrain your mind regarding this man. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted December 31, 2005 Share Posted December 31, 2005 How do I do it? At times I feel really immature for not being able to accept the reality and still be friends with him. But, just hearing his voice on the phone did me in. Sometimes, I wasn't that interested in what he was saying...just the sound of his voice. Anyway, today...I am painting the interior of my house...tonight, I am going over to friends. I just try to stay busy. I've been chatting online with new friends, also. Today, I mustered up the courage to delete his MSN name so I have no idea when he signs on. I, also, blocked him. I feel like a prick...but, it's either my sanity...or being his friend. Can't have both!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author melissa85 Posted January 1, 2006 Author Share Posted January 1, 2006 for your insights! I am really trying to do this and hopefully I'll be successful . Maybe my new year resolution should be don't contact Him...at all. So, guess things should be better in the new year. hey, bythe way Happy New Year to everyone... Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 1, 2006 Share Posted January 1, 2006 In reality, not contacting that person is really beneficial to you in the long run. Short term it seems impossible...But it can be done. Pretty soon your time that you think about him will be less...and you can move forward with your life Link to post Share on other sites
Author melissa85 Posted January 2, 2006 Author Share Posted January 2, 2006 I guess you are right! I am going to start school back tomorrow and I think will concentrate on stuff at school, rathar than waste my time thinking about what he does or doesn't do!! Also, I think that its more important to take life in its stride then attach meaning to all things.. So, I will keep you guys posted if anything new happens!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author melissa85 Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 Boy! its hard... I hope I can do this , not calling that is . Its day 3 and I feel like I am missing him already ...he hasn't missed me yet. I guess he won't miss me for at least a week, after which if I haven't still called he will try and call me , atleast that's how it usually works.. I was thinking its gonna be easy, I have so many things to do, but my mind just keeps going back to him..You know I check my cell phone at work to see if he has called , isn't this nuts. But, I haven't called or written to him...maybe I can do this...maybe...guys give me some hope:( Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 Hi Melissa...I am in the same boat as you. I keep imagining my guy missing me...then I shake my head thinking..Oh God, I am crazy!! I've thought about emailing him about 6 times today. I am not really sure why. I just feel so dang guilty for abandoning the friendship. Then, I feel angry...then I feel sad. Tons of stuff I am sure you can relate with. But, another day of choosing me over him. Hey...is this your post or mine? The bad thing is they always call...eventually. The worst part of it is is that these guys aren't jerks. They are probably the nicest guys around. How do you keep yourself from falling for someone so wonderful???? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 4, 2006 Share Posted January 4, 2006 For every day that you do not contact him , you can reward yourself in some way. Pat yourself on the back and pretty soon you ask yourself why you didn't do it sooner... In certain situations its important to do this for yourself. Its for you. Not him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author melissa85 Posted January 4, 2006 Author Share Posted January 4, 2006 I know mary, you are right. He talks to a lot of my friends but never bothers to ask how I am doing so I wonder why I waste so much energy running after him or wondering about him. I have to get over this and fast...I am counting every day I don't call him and then I feel it wasn't that bad after all!!! Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 How could I have let myself be so vunerable around him?? I am mad at myself. But, my guy showed me that he could be trusted. He went out of his way to show me that. Did I just waste a good friendship because my ego couldn't handle the fact that he isn't in love with me!! Ugh. I am kinda down tonight. The thing that pisses me off the most is that I would have never given him a second look...it took him a long time to get me interested in him. Now that I *am* interested in him...he runs!! Grrrr..... I'll be ok. Glad to see you are doing ok Melissa. Mary...thanks for your advice as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author melissa85 Posted January 5, 2006 Author Share Posted January 5, 2006 you are exactly right! I think that most of us want to be cherished as the most prized posession in the world. So, does this guy try to call you anytime? You know now that I think of it, it wasn't him...it was me ...I guess I am looking for that deeper connection that doesn't exist. Maybe he does these things out of kindness or just as second nature. But distancing out will really help me...the more time I spend telling myself how negative this all is...the better off I'll be. hey, by the way I really love that picture of that girl ..where did you get it? Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 They aren't always looking for what we are looking for, When it comes to strong deep bonds and committment some of them run for the hills. There is absolutely nothing you can do about a man who is programmed to run from commiting to someone. The only thing you can do is keep looking and looking...and someday you will find someone who is right for you. They won't be exactly perfect for you but they will be close. It is said it's a bond of 2 imperfect people ... If they aren't ready , nothing is going to make them ready , Until they ARE ready. That may be pretty soon or it may be years. You and I and everyone who is looking for someone special has to realize there really are great guys out there ( on the moon maybe ,lol ) who want what we want As for the NC keep it up ! YOU will get stronger ! I promise you that....right now its confusing and scarey to think that all your hopes and dreams were built into that person and they did not fulfill your dreams. Moving on is the progression of Life and we all deserve to be happy ! Keep up your chins Girls Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted January 20, 2006 Share Posted January 20, 2006 My guy broke NC tonight. UGH!!! I was just starting to date someone else and now....why??? I don't freakin' get it. He instant messaged my 13yr old daughter online and asked her a couple questions about how I was doing. Then, he proceeded to tell my daughter how much of a sweetheart I was, and how good of a mom I am, and how I deserve to be happy now. UGH!!! (She kept asking me what to tell him when he was writing to her). Why did he have to do that??? Now, all those old feelings are coming back to the surface again. I wasn't even keeping track of how long I wasn't talking to him anymore. Why does he feel the need to contact? He must care about me. I'm so screwed up all of a sudden. He has that affect on me. I would drop everything for a chance with him! I know this deep in my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
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