ow to make her feel I am still in control without taking the risk of losing her

[dreamguy]

I'll try to make this as short as possible.

I met my current gf 1 year and 3 months ago. Back then I was just coming out of break-up with another girl (she was the one who broke up with me because, although she didn't admit it, she wanted someone very rich). I'm not rich but I can handle myself financially as I have a good steady job.

 

Anyway 1 week ago my gf said she couldn't take it anymore... the problems, the fights, the stress related to the idea of us getting engaged soon when she is not sure we can financially do it like we want to (buy a very big house, have a very nice expensive wedding, etc...). So she said she wanted to end the relationship.

I replied "I believe the relationship deserves one last chance, but if your mind is made up then I won't stop you and I will wish you the best". I turned around and left.

She called me 1 hour later and asked "Why did you say the relationship deserves another chance ?"

I answered "because it would be stupid to let go of a relationship after all this time without trying to work it out".

We met on the same day and although she is still acting weird (as if she was suddenly in control) we are back together for the time being.

 

This change in her behavior started showing when I told her that I love her.

I mean we dated for a year or so and she admitted her Love for me many times but I never reciprocated until four months ago.

 

Now to my main question...

Today we were on the phone and she says: "I'm not sure what I want right now, there are so many things going through my head. I'm thinking about travelling once I graduate".

So I remained calm and I replied "I will not stop you from living your life/dream like you want to... but I'm not sure I am ready to travel myself".

She said: "Maybe you'll change your mind and follow me."

To tell you the truth I didn't like the way she said it. It's like she is certain I won't let her go.

How can I make her understand/feel that I am still in control without taking the risk of losing her again ?

Do I just remain calm when she throws tests at me ? Do I violently object ? Do I simply and gradually become distant by calling her less and less ?

[dahlia]

Heh Dreamguy,

I understand how you feel. Unfortunately, alot of our relationships have power struggles and the power does shift sometimes and the relationship sometimes does not survive the shift.

It sounds as if she is testing you. Why? I don't know, I would have to know more of the details. You took a long time to tell her you loved her. But once you finally did, she pulled back? Is that what happened?

 

I know that my ex is very good looking and extremely arrogant. He thinks that every woman, no matter young or old is drooling over him. And he is one of the best looking guys I have ever seen, but, that is a huge drawback.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is, if she is testing you, to see how much you love her, then don't pull back. If she is arrogant and feels she has you wrapped around her figure, definitely pull back. The circumstances are what's important.

[dreamguy]

You took a long time to tell her you loved her. But once you finally did, she pulled back? Is that what happened?

Kind of, I mean she didn't immediately pull back. She started backing of a week ago, immediately after she told me she wanted to end it. Why ? Because when she said that, I simply became a bit nicer to her. I didn't beg at all or anything of the sort, I just started showing my affection a bit more by saying nice words, etc...

 

I guess what I am trying to say is, if she is testing you, to see how much you love her, then don't pull back. If she is arrogant and feels she has you wrapped around her figure, definitely pull back. The circumstances are what's important.

That's exactly what I feel. The problem is that I can't seem to make sure which one it is. Is she testing to see how much I love her or is she really becoming confidently arrogant ? How to find out... this remains to be seen.

I mean yesterday night she said "I really missed you tonight" as she was away with her family, then today she says she is not sure about the future and she might travel. What do you make of both statements ?

[johan]

Not sure if this will help, but it's what I thought of when I read that she offered to let you follow her on her travels.

 

To me this is a situation that really tests whether you have a solid plan for your life that you believe in. For men, the vast majority of these tests are administered by women. It's probably not conscious, she's just confused. But you have to face the fact that passing the test may mean losing her. Failing will mean losing both her and your self-respect.

 

There is no telling what is going on in her heart and why she is saying these things. Maybe she's arrogant or maybe she has legitimate doubts about your relationship, you, her feelings, etc. You can talk to her about it, but she may not be able to express it any better than she already has.

 

So you have to look to yourself for guidance. Where are you going in your life? Do you need to be following her around the world or working on your career or what? What is the best thing for you in your life? If you're smart and pick what's best for you, then that will also be the best thing for the woman in your life. This one or some other.

 

If the things she's saying or doing are distracting you from where you need to go in your life, then you need space from her. Physical and/or emotional. Don't let her knock you off your path. She'll respect you for that, and that respect may be what it takes for her to love you.

[dahlia]

OK I'm going to try to help you the best that I can. I was in a relationship with my now ex of 2 months for 4 yrs. We lived together. We had a very passionate, love/hate, who is going to get the upper hand type of relationship. So, with that said, your ex could be testing you to see how much you love her. But, if she is pulling back, well then, you need to also.

I suppose you could give her a little bit of both. For instance, be very into her, but then act aloof. I know that it's confusing, and I know that it's a game, but unfortunately, once we give our all to someone, and they know they have you hooked----be it for a month, a year or twenty years, people tend to take you for granted and the spark diminishes immensely. It shouldn't be this way, we all know that, but, believe me, it is.

A fool can go ahead and spill their heart, act so devoted and cling. However, this usually backfires. I think a person needs to be loving and devoted. But, they also need to give the other person space. Does that make sense?

[dahlia]

Oh and one last thing. My ex and I broke up for a month last year. We didn't talk much during that time, but once when we did, he told me he was going away with a girl "friend" for a few days. I really couldn't prevent it, but I started to cry. I didn't want to cry, didn't want him to feel that satisfaction, but it was something I couldn't control. I didn't expect him to move on that quickly. Well, he said, " I am so sorry, I was lying to you, there is no "friend" that I am going away with. We got back together.

So that's why now, with him telling me he has a new girlfriend, got a tattoo of a rose, etc, I hesitate to believe it. It could very well be true, but who knows. I still love him, and wish that he would just say he made a mistake and wants me back. But, he is sooooo proud and arrogant. I think it would take him a lifetime to ever admit that. How sad. So be careful not to become too arrogant b/c I think it can backfire.

[dreamguy]

Thank you both for your replies.

 

Johan, your words have been of a great help. I read your post many times and every time I read it I became more convinced of what you wrote. I certainly won't let her knock me off my path. I will try to be there for her but that doesn't mean I will do that at the expense of my own dignity and self-respect.

You said a lot in just a few words. Thanks !

 

Dahlia, I couldn't agree more to what you said

"I think a person needs to be loving and devoted. But, they also need to give the other person space. Does that make sense?"

It makes perfect sense... it means "not too much and not too little". One must strike a balance between being soft and being strong because nothing's as gentle as real strength.

[Outcast]

I think everyone should travel after they graduate if at all possible. I think there's plenty of time to be stuck in the hamster wheel so when you haven't home and mortgage and all the responsibilities, the best thing is to go see the world.

 

As for the very expensive home and very expensive wedding, I fear your priorities may be a little bit skewed. A wedding is one day out of a whole life and a very expensive home is a financial burden as well as being a lot of work.

 

I don't think this is about power struggles or tests. You're both young and she hasn't figured out just what she wants from life. If I were you, I'd ditch the job and go travel with her for a while. There's lots and lots of time to be old and responsible.

[dreamguy]

Almost 8 months have passed and I'm back at square one.

Only this time it's not just talks and speculation; my gf got a real job offer and should be traveling within a month or so.

 

This time she really went too far to test my love for her.

She called me out of the blue and said that her brother (who lives abroad where she is going) has managed to get me a job interview as an IT Manager in a reputable company and that I should have a phone interview very soon.

I remained calm and told her "sure I'll have the interview, why not".

Again ! As soon as she felt I was willing to go there (she probably understands that as me following her and having no solid plan for my life) she started faltering and saying things like "I'm not sure I want to get married now... I'm not sure you are the one".

 

I should have known better! They say that he who makes a mistake is not a fool, only the person who repeats the same mistake is an idiot. So I am a fool !

That's extremely annoying as it's almost taking all my energy because I think about it all (about her, about us and all the good times we had) and it kind of makes me sad to see 2 years go down the drain !

I knew what I had to do: Gradually distance myself from her and have a plan that I should stick to (like deciding not to travel). I just didn't do all those things and now things are messed up again.

 

I know she is scared to travel by her own (she might not live with her brother) and she also constantly asks me "what will happen to us if I travel ?"

and then she says "what if I'm happy there and don't want to come back here... will you go there ?"

 

How do I respond to all that ??

[norajane]

I don't see why you should have to give up your job (presumably you like it) and your life where you are just because she's afraid to go off on her own. Nor do I see why you have to get married?

 

If she wants to go abroad and work for a while - congratulate her on her new job and her new adventure, tell her you'll be sure to take some vacation time to visit her while she's out there, and you two will figure the future out as it comes. What's the big deal?

 

She may get out there and hate it. Or she may get out there and love it and want to stay. If she does decide she wants to stay there forever, then you can decide what you want to do after you've had a chance to visit this other country and give it some thought.

[dreamguy]

Thanks norajane, short reply but straight to the point.

You know it even occured to me today that she might be testing me with this job offer that I was supposed to get an interview for.

It might all be a lie because she made it clear she didn't want me to thank her brother. Something is fishy here and it's sad but it's true that it took me 2 years to open up my eyes and become aware that this girl is the manipulative type that will use all sorts or lies and games on you to have it her way.

[john1776]

Hey dreamguy if you have time could comment on a few of my threads about my situation? I have read some of your threads from 2 years ago and I really value your opinion and advice in the relationship department. I wish you would pay us a visit more often. Here are some of the threads:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96052/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96065/

 

There's another thread titled "john's guide to catching & keeping women around."

[dreamguy]

Thanks for the kind words.

I'm just another guy who's learning as he makes mistakes.

I have also read numerous books on this matter and although I often have a pretty good idea about what I should do... I don't always do it! That's my main problem.

I would be glad to check your posts and give my two cents.