We Need Help Or Is There Any Hope

[Jaagz]

Hi All,

 

I am writting because I am at wits end. I have been married 2 years and a half years, I am in a relationship that I know is not good. My wife and I BLOW Up at each other, and I know we don't care what we say to each other. It gets heated. Man I have never been in a situation where I have got to lose my my in order to get heard. She has her mind set, and it don't matter if anyone differs with her opionion or not. We yell, I MEAN YELL because we are both stubborn. I never used to yell until I got into this relationship, and it hurts me to know she drives me to it. I have a hard time with stupidity, and the ole' woos me crap. Things just don't happen you make them happen. The old I a weak woman, crap. She lets people buffalo her. I hate that, but she lets it happen. Tonight we faught over the fact she didn't feel good, and I told her she needed to get rest and I would clean up. She was VERY mad and said NO! The only thing is if I didn't do that she would have got mad and said I never do anything to help, and that is line of crap! I finally had had enough when she was yelling at her own kids. That was enough. I told her to go to bed, and she said no. I told her i would clean she needed to go to bed and get some rest and get to feeling better. She said no and forced her way into the kitchen. I shoved her out and told het to leave the kitchen go do something else, and she stood toe to toe with me. This is just crap we fight way topo much, and when I try to leave she follows me. I just don't get it.But I am tired of it. I am 34 yrs old and I am so tired! I can't understand why this has got to get to where it does. I hate this . She gets mad because she has a certain way of doing things and if it don't get done her way she throws a fit. And she then complains that she always has to follow me and make sure things get done right. Frankly if she don't like the way I do things she should do it herself and keep her big mouth shut! I think there is no way we will make it. I do love her. That is the only thing that keeps me here. I rent my dad's house and when she gets mad I tell her to leave she always gets mad and says "you always use the fact we live in your dad's place (we rent) well I am tired of it". I am too if she gets so mad and someone needs to leave she thinks it sould be me. I have no family here. She has everyone.I am not the kind that will kick her out, but i am DAMN close! And of course it will come back onto me that I am a meanie and I kicked her out and she had no where to go. I have to say I am real close to doing it anyway. What do you all think. Am I a meanie? Thanks Jaagz

[Tony T]

This is an absolutely crazy, insane situation. You are with an exceptionally dysfunctional human being, although I'm sure there are things about your personality that contribute to this.

 

Counselling is not going to solve this one. Start packing before there is violence. For your own mental well-being, get out ASAP. Maybe that's what she needs to straighten out her life.

 

She obviously has a lot of anger and control issues from her past but you don't have to be a victim of those. You are way too young to have to live with this crap for the rest of your life.

 

Turn off your computer now and start packing your things.

[midori]

Dear Jaagz,

 

When people in a relationship are having difficulty communicating effectively or reaching understanding with each other counseling is usually the way to go. But from the sound of it your wife needs more help than that and she probably wouldn't agree to go to counseling and participate cooperatively. So I don't know what to suggest . . . except leaving. You've got the presence of mind to recognize that you and your wife are not on a good path and that it will probably only go downhill from where you are right now. Your wife sounds like she's out of control and has an attitude that is not going to allow her to calmly and rationally discuss your problems. That being the case, unfortunately the burden for "fixing" things would rest entirely upon your shoulders -- and of course you can't fix another human being. All you could possibly do is stop the hostile dynamic between the two of you so that maybe MAYBE she'd be able to calm down a bit and see that you genuinely want to solve things with her, that you do love her. But to be honest I very much doubt whether even that would work, even if you could manage to do it (it would require a mountain of patience and skin so thick as to be bullet-proof). Right now it sounds like she's hyper-defensive, aggressively controlling and has one hell of a chip on her shoulder. Breaking through barriers like that is very very difficult, if not impossible. Those walls have to be broken down from the inside. It's very sad because she's probably very insecure and perhaps afraid of being abandoned or let down by other people -- and her attitude and behavior almost guarantees that's exactly what will happen. I'm very sorry for you too.

 

I think you ought to get out of there. If you don't feel you can I think that you ought to go to counseling with or without her. You'll need regular support to live with a person like that.

 

-midori