How many of us spent christmas without the love of our life?

[newbby]

i agree. i think you either accept the situation for what it is, or take a firm stand and ask for what you want, without accepting anything less in the meantime.

[newbby]

I am afraid of what he will do when I tell him I want a divorce. He has an incredibly violent temper although he has never struck me, he has knocked a few doors down and broken things. Its not going to be as easy as I would like it to be but I do know that it needs to be done whether or not I continue my other relationship or not.

 

well it is still better to leave, than be trapped by fear. still, if you feel it is neccessary to take precautions, do so. good luck to you, and make sure you have a good plan for when you are actually out aswell. have you somewhere to go etc? because it is probably better to have something set up than be asking him for a divorce AND to move out.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Technically, she doesn't have to "ask" him for a divorce. I don't know about the laws in other countries, but in the U.S., all she has to do is have him served with papers. In theory, she could send him on a fishing trip with his guy friends and move while he's gone -- if she is indeed afraid of a physical confrontation.

[trying to be strong]

Dear scarletletter...

 

I too have been completely in love with a MM. Here is my story and perhaps it may or may not help you deal with what you are feeling but perhaps it might give you some comfort knowing that there is someone else out there who understands what you may be going through not just around the holidays but all the time.

 

I met him right before he got married. I didn't know that he was going to marry this person who I was starting to become friends with. He got married to her and the 3 of us became friends. I actually became very close friends with her. After the first year of marriage, he made jokes about "getting together" to test the waters. I thought he was a relatively nice guy but all along thought he's just my friends husband. We all hung out together and actually he was very happy to see that his wife actually found a friend who shared so many common interests. It was so uncanny how we were so much alike on the surface as the public would see but internally, we were completely different in our perspectives of the human heart as her husband had discovered over the years.

 

One evening, her husband had asked to see if I wanted to hang out while the wife was out of town (which was completely natural since we were just all friends). There was no dening that we had a very intense unspoken attraction as well as a strong admiration for each other on a professional level. However, I only considered him as a friend and had no intentions of anything more as he was "married" and off limits.

 

Sometimes, things happen unintentionally and in this instance, it was not planned at least on my part. We ended up together that evening to something so incredibly amazing we were both speechless. The next day or two was quite strange but in my moment of ethics, I told him that I was not ok with what had happened that I needed to either tell his wife since she was my friend or he needed to. It was a scary week for both of us since we had no idea what or where to start.

 

Somehow, we got thru it and decided to keep it to ourselves as a one time accident. Over time, this turned into a full blown love affair while I was friends with his wife for another 2 years. In continuting this relationship, I made up all the rules about the nature of the situation, the hope of no future, to be completely honest with each other in that if I felt it was hurting me, we would end it and he would as well etc, etc..

 

My friendship with his wife ended as she had some fundemental issues that always put me down and manipulated me to the point where she became possessive with me and had me alienate all my friends. It was kind of odd but she was very calculating and controlling (which is the internal part that is so different between us).We are no longer friends which was completely a separate issue altogether.

 

Regardless, her husband continued to see me 2-3 times a week, we went out to nice romantic dinners and dates, makes dinner and surprises me when I get home from work, he surprised me with trips to the mountains, resorts, getaways...it was all surreal. He takes care of me and saw me whenever he could. He was even there for me when my brother passsed away. We've been together for about 5 of his 6 year marriage.

 

I have left him twice before as I kept reaching that point where I felt this was not working for me although I was so completely in love with this man as he is with me. He came back both times as he just could not let me go and I've gone back both times as I could not let him go. We've never disscussed a future but just held on to the present. We have no idea what our future holds so it was just never discussed and I have no desire to go down that road.

 

I can't tell you in words how happy I am when I am with him and I can feel how happy he is when he is with me. Our feelings for each other are so intense it hurts when he's not near. He doesn't have kids although kids were planned over 2 years ago and that his wife would stop working. I'm not sure why they still doesn't have kids altho I suspect that he's trying to make his marriage less complicated if it doesn't work out or even that he's trying to keep me and him alive. I'm not sure really but he knows that I will end our relationship if he does have children. That was another one of my rules. I could not hurt an innocent child.

 

Not too long ago, we had dinner and was walking around an outside shopping mall. A small child out of nowhere ran up to him and said "daddy, daddy" and his mother was chasing him while the kid ran away laughing. It was just an odd incident. From this, it sparked a serious conversation when we got to the car. I asked him how he would feel if I ended up getting pregnant and he said " actually, I was just thinking of that the other night and (he looked at me really serious which kind of scared me) I would love to have a baby with you". I was so surprised that he would want to have that baby if I were pregnant and it was said without any fear on his part and perhaps it was something he was looking forward to.

 

Like you scarletletter, I miss him during the times he "has to be" with his wife and do his husbandly duties for his kids in your case. However, he is there for me when I need him, I can always depend on him and he will bend over backwards in any capacity to take care of me. I never ask him for anything as I am very independent and prideful. Nonetheless, even though I never ask, he always takes care of everything for me.

 

He makes me feel safe, secure and those are the moments that have carried me through the hard times. I try not to think about his married life and what he must be doing as I have a very full life on my own. I continue to live my life and keep everything in perspective of this relationships reality. Just taking it for what it is and not having expectations of what it can be. Its taken a long time for me to mentally do this but I have to admit, it does it hit me from time to time.

 

I've seen him recently on our last trip to this beautiful mansion he rented out on a lake in the mountains where he was in complete anguish and pain over the thought of not being able to be with me all the time. Perhaps he feels this sadness from me and reaches a point where he feels so helpless. He has said that I deserve to be someone who can love me and be with me to take care of me all the time, not only when they are able to. He was so torn and I can see the pain. I know he tries to brush this feeling off time and time again becuase he doesn't want to lose me.

 

I had to do what was best for both of us and as of a month ago, I ended it with him and actually asked him to let me go. After several long conversations, I became strong enough to agree with him in that I deserve so much more and that he needs to say the words I needed to hear to move on. I know saying the words that he didn't want me, that we had no future, etc. etc. was so hard for him to say. At the end, he said that it was out of love that he's was agreeing to do what I asked and that our situation was complicated by his marriage but the way we felt about each other was so simple. He never said goodbye to me as we parted. I cried and cried for days in slience...alone as I've never shared my relationship with anyone.

 

I've been so heartbroken, I wake up crying and it takes every ounce of me to get up in the morning esp. this holiday season. All the other years when I was not with him over his birthdays (which is a week earlier than mine), Christmas, I thought I was ok. I guess like you, it was the terms of which I agreed to in the beginning so I couldn't complain. I am still in love with this man and when we parted, I left thinking this was the end of us and the beginning of a new chapter in my life, he left me with this feeling that we would meet again. This has been the happiest moment of my life and knowing that I had such blissful times when I was with him was enough to carry me through the sad days.

 

Whether you stay with him or not, remember that you can't help the people you fall in love with. I will never regret the most incredible experiences and memoires I had with him. Most people go through life just numb and going thru the day to day but I know what it was like to be truly in love with someone and to be adored as I was by him.

 

Enjoy and take in every moment you have. Remember how you feel when you are with him and make every minute count. Don't think about what you don't have with this person. The fact that you have a realistic perspective on the rules you set with this person is a good thing as it will help you to keep yourself in check and not get carried away in your dreams about the future or what you might want to happen.

 

I'm certain that kids adds another level of complexity and for me, that was where I drew my line. Perhaps you might consider where you would draw your line to keep yourself in check as well. I understand you as I've been there and feel what you are feeling now. I wish you well.

 

--from a person who was there where you are now.

[scarletletter]

Yes, it is a no-win situation with me and I don't have a good plan right now but I am working on it. I have all kinds of alternatives related to places to go. My family is very supportive of me doing this...the question is when I am going to be strong enough to do it. Right now we are getting along as well as we can be, and both enjoying our daughter together...you know, playing with her with all the new toys after christmas, etc. I anticipate that after the first of the year...next week, I will sit down with him and try to explain that we both need to move on. If I handle this right, it might be okay. It's really about how I approach him, I think. I could never bring it up in the middle of an arguement or that could be devastating.

[Lishy]

If you a fearful for your life or fear he may harm you then I suggest that you do as I done and leave whilst he is out. Do not put yourself in danger.

 

And it isn't a no win situation Scarlet, you will be so much happier when you get settled with a new life for you and your girl. I talk from my own experience which is very similar to your marriage.

 

Be strong and do it, if not for yourself, for your daughter!

 

Ps (My son now spends lots of quality time with his dad but without the tension at home - he is MUCH happier)

[scarletletter]

I agree Lishy...I just wish I was a little bit stronger. I am trying to empower myself on a daily basis to get the nerve to actually do this. I WILL do it and I know it has to happen so I have this terribal feeling of impending doom. I know everyone involved will be so much better off, including him, once it is said and done. I have already told the man I am having a relationship with that when this time comes, I need to have no contact with him for a while so that I can have a clear head and do what is best for my daughter. Its a tough road ahead but I know that my life is going to begin when my marriage has ended. I know that it is wrong to have the relationship while i am still married, but what's done is done and it's there now. I think I will be able to handle that end of it with no problem. The OM is definately not a priority in my life, although I do enjoy being with him and love him deeply. My priority is and always will be my daughter and her safety and well being as well as mine.

[lifeline]

Wow, SL you’re in a really difficult situation! I feel for you. If you do get a divorce, my only advice is to do your very best to stay on good terms with the father of your child, even if he is a total jerk. My husband and I split up when our son was very young. Since then, I’ve put up with huge amounts of crap from him for the sake of our child. But it’s been totally worth it. As a result of our efforts, we have a happy, well-adjusted kid with parents that operate as a team. your situation sounds really bad, but I believe it’s important to try anyway.

 

Good luck to you. I know you’ll get through this, I can tell you’re strong.

[Lishy]

Well I can't help you with the MM situation as you may have guessed lol - But I can sure help you with your marriage situation. It took me 2 years to get the strength and courage to leave.

 

It is a year later now and I must say that it was the best decision I have made. I am content, my son see's alot of his dad and now we can even talk to each other about our son. He threatened to kill himself and I believed that he would either kill himself or me and to come through that is hard but so worth it!

 

You will do it when you are ready!

[scarletletter]

Yes, I will....i am about halfway there. I need a little more of a push and I think I can do it. Need to start the new year off with a goal, and that is my biggest one right now.

[Sami_D]

Well I decided I'd avoid this entire forum over the Christmas period, because I just didn't need to read anything negative and the OW forum isn't known for it's supportive, loving posts at the best of times. What better than Christmas to stick in the roasting fork and have a good laugh?

 

True to form someone posts an 'is anyone else out there feeling the same way?' thread and several nice people pop up to tell us how we need to 'get used to the hurt, Harlot' ... har har. Merry Christmas to you too. Blah blah blah.

[Sami_D]

If you mess with someone else's guy you cant expect to see them on important days - On those days he is with the the woman he CHOOSES to be with!

 

 

AKA The woman he had children with some years ago and now feels he can't leave...

[Sami_D]

You reap what you sow!

 

Well one day when you're looking for support in something... you know what to expect.

 

And please don't tell us what kind of responses you require - This is a forum we can all have opinions and we can share them at will.

 

We do not mean to disrespect,its just our opinions.

 

That is a fair enough comment... expect fair enough comment in response.

[Sami_D]

I have never thought that this forum belonged here. I think it's gross that people in affairs cheer each other on in what they're doing.

 

I can understand that sentiment. I certainly would have been someone to support that view in the past. I am torn between wishing there was a separate, private place we OW could go to that was moderated from the rest of the world (to protect OW from judgemental, irrelevant posts when they're trying to deal with a R)... And then again thinking that it does OW good to read other people's comments (however naive and so on), and does the people reading posts about Infidelity from the Other Side...

 

... there's an Infidelity section here... and there is always a third person involved in that. Why not realise that she's a human being..? And it's usually far more complicated than most people would believe.

 

And... it makes a good forum for the stone-throwers to expose themselves in. Hilarious to watch at times.

[Sami_D]

I don't agree....its bitter people who think that everyone else's story is just like theirs that make this forum unbearable. No one even bothers to ask any questions ...just say , " oh, you will end up alone, he will always go back to the wife, he loves his wife, he's using you. No f-ing way you can know this unless you know our situation....whatever...I'm done here.

 

Well scarlet, I'm not very far down this thread (as I say, I'm behind.. I thought I'd be sensible and avoid the place during Christmas)... but don't give up because of the people who think they know everything.

 

They don't.

[Sami_D]

I am not some crazed young mistress that expects this man to leave his wife and come to me...that was not part of the deal. Whatever happened with his wife happened long before I came along. This is something that we talked about for a long time before we made it happen. He was very up front to tell me that he was NOT planning to leave for a few years, until his kids were older and I told him the same...i am also married. Now he is leaving...something that happened between them or didn't happen between them. I know that she is a good person and a good mother but not necessarily a good wife. My husband could say the same about me..

 

I'm just quoting this because I'll bet that none of the people who read this post read this bit and it sunk in...

 

Of course it could happen that the rest of the thread turned around... people realised your situation... and hey! Everything was different..! You're not 'the usual story' ... and then... we woke up.. nah... you're just an OW. Get used to it

[Sami_D]

I am afraid of what he will do when I tell him I want a divorce. He has an incredibly violent temper although he has never struck me, he has knocked a few doors down and broken things. Its not going to be as easy as I would like it to be but I do know that it needs to be done whether or not I continue my other relationship or not.

 

Verbal abuse can so easily lead to physical abuse. And hitting things is a sure sign it's likely. I can't remember if you said you had the addy for dr irene's verbal abuse site? Just in case:

 

http://drirene.com/

[Sami_D]

Outcast, hey look...we actually agree on something! Wooo hooo !!!

 

Why don't they change "The Other Man /Woman" forum to "The Homewreckers" forum?

 

Prolly because they have more insight.

[Sami_D]

 

You will do it when you are ready!

 

Funny... that's what I think will happen in the case of most MM... odd how 'easy' it's supposed to be for them.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

In the case of extramarital affairs there are TWO people in the wrong: The adulterer and the homewrecker. The nice thing about life is that you usually reap what you sow. If you get involved with a cheating partner, guess what... if they leave their spouse....and that's a big IF...you're probably next.

[newbby]

In the case of extramarital affairs there are TWO people in the wrong: The adulterer and the homewrecker. The nice thing about life is that you usually reap what you sow. If you get involved with a cheating partner, guess what... if they leave their spouse....and that's a big IF...you're probably next.

 

this is very simplistic and not entirely true. i agree that alot of the time the ow ends up heartbroken because he goes back to his wife etc. i disagree with the playground attitude and general bitchiness.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Truth hurts, don't it.

[newbby]

Truth hurts, don't it.

 

yes, thats an excellent example of what i was talking about.

[Sami_D]

In the case of extramarital affairs there are TWO people in the wrong: The adulterer and the homewrecker. The nice thing about life is that you usually reap what you sow. If you get involved with a cheating partner, guess what... if they leave their spouse....and that's a big IF...you're probably next.

 

WOW... Peter, Janet and Jane do affairs. Must get that book.

[scarletletter]

Took me a couple of days to catch up...SAMI D...YOU ARE MY NEW BEST FRIEND!!! Thanks for your understanding. No on in here seems to at all.