Is there hope? Should I even try?

[Bewitched]

This is a bit of a story so, I hope you don't all mind...

 

A while ago I was going through a deep depression. I am usually a very social, easygoing person but I fell into a pessimistic, distant attitude. One of my friends, Joe, came to me one day and said he knew a guy who he thought I should try going out with, Adrian.

 

Now Adrian is Joe's best friend, and he's a bit...eccentric, like myself. For one thing, he's extremely quiet. At the time, the last thing I wanted was a relationship but Joe kept telling me he had never met two people so right for eachother. Joe arranged a get-together at his house to try to get Adrian to meet me.

 

Turns out, Adrian had a general idea of who I was and had seen me from afar. He didn't want to come to the get-together until he found out who Joe wanted to set him up with. That night, in his own subtle way, Adrian tried to engage my interest, tried a few times to make conversation, and to get me alone. But because of my mood, I paid him little attention.

 

Adrian is a very peaceful person, and I suppose my negative attitude and lack of interest completely killed any potential interest he might have had in me.

 

A few weeks later, when I began resurfacing from my depression, I decided to talk to him online. We got to know each other, and over time my feelings for him grew and I realized he was someone I would really want to be with.

 

Sadly, when he was made aware of this he said that he found me attractive, and very smart, but he didn't think we "clicked". We had a bit of an awkward phase where we would see each other but never really talk...

 

I haven't seen him for a few days now, though I sent him a friendly Christmas e-mail. We are going to be seeing each other at a party soon.

 

I know that he thought we had no "spark" because I was distant then...But I really want to give him a shot. Go to that party and act like the vibrant social person I usually am and try to engage him in conversation...my question is:

 

Is it possible to change a guy's romantic impression of you or am I stuck in friends zone?

[daphne]

Let me ask you this question. When we put guys in teh friends zone, how often do they come out?

 

It's really too bad that Joe decided to introduce the two of you when you were depressed. First impressions are lasting with most people. Most people aren't wise enough to realize that who we see initially is not always who a person is. We all have bad days where our car breaks down, the boss yells at us or someone dies in our family.

 

I personally develop attachments to those who see me on a bad day, form a negative opinion, stick around and get to know me and like me because they see the whole picture. They get me and like me for the good and the bad.

 

I think you have more of a chance of getting out of the friends zone than a guy does, but I think it's minimal at best. I would not go to this party set with the idea of charming him. Charm others. Be the center of attention. Your goal is to be upbeat, funny and happy, and the center of attention. People are naturally drawn to the center of attention. Also, don't be defensive, negative or moody at this point. If you have any hope of reversing his view on you, it'll be to make yourself shiny to others. Don't try to win him over. Win the crowd. - gladiator

[Bewitched]

Well, I took your advice, went to the party, had a good time. Because I had told him about my guitar being stringless earlier that week and that if it wasn't too much trouble he could look at it at the party, he spent a good deal of time trying to get my attention in a silent way. Instead of succumbing to it like I usually do I just ignored him until he finally told me he was going to work on it for me. Then when I thanked him and said to go ahead, he came and sat beside me to work on it and ignored me. Since he wasn't talking a girl came to talk to me and she stole me away. We chatted for a while...then he came around and put it nicely tuned into the case and left.

 

Later when I was sitting near it he came by and asked me if i wanted him to make sure it was tuned again. And he came back to tune it again. He did this about three times, and every time, no matter where I sat, he'd come sit where I was. (Even though he had said originally he needed to sit in the kitchen.) But I wasn't feeling like putting up with his difficult nature (I know, I'm cruel), so I went to try to cheer up my friend Thomas who seemed upset. To my suprise, Adrian came and tried to help me and we talked to Thomas for over an hour. After that, he would leave, and then consistantly return and talk to me. Then I wouldn't see him around for a long time and I'd find him looking at me from across the room on various occassions. Eventually he began to flirt. We had a great time, though I had to leave without saying goodbye.

 

It's been three days since the party and when I talked to him again...he wasn't being cruel, but he was being distant. Acting the way he did the first few days we started talking online. I was sure at the party that there had been -something-, yet now it feels almost as if nothing had happened.

 

Three of my friends (two of which didn't know of the situation) Told me he looked like he was really into me, but now I'm starting to second guess it. Was he just being friendly?

 

Men are confusing creatures. lol

[daphne]

Hey there,

 

Glad to hear you got some results, even if they may be hard to read.

Also glad that you didn't kiss his behind looking for attention when he already said you didn't have chemistry or whatever nonsense he proffered. It sounds like you played it cool, aloof yet friendly. Never forget this third ingredient. Confidence, looking into a guy's eyes with a twinkle and smiling, then walking away drive men nuts. They think "this girl's into me right? so why is she walking away". That's why he kept following you. Just make sure that on occasion you reward him by giving him a big generous smile and looking him in the eye. There's power in that gesture.

 

As for what's going on now that the party's over. You still communicate so that's good. I would be sure to let him know (if you haven't already) how much you appreciate him helping you with the stringing. Guys live for appreciation. Be friendly, even flirty but you have to sincerely not believe anything is cmoing from this. That's the aloofness part. You now see him only as a friend that you're flirty with and not threatened by. He will want to change your mind. Don't pursue him though. When he emails you, respond as sweet as you can. Don't wait 3 days to answer, he'll see through it.

 

What he's going through now is the human nature thing. you've removed yourself as a sure thing so he now wants what eh can't have. He's not 100% sure of that though, and he also doesn't know if he can get you so he's not sure how to act. The trick is to stay upbeat around him and super flirty but ALOOF. Cut conversations short by sweetly saying you've gotta boogy and you hope to talk to him soon. This will keep him guessing. Due to the first impressions thing, don't say anything negative at this point. You don't have to be pollyanna forever, just until his impression balances and he can see both sides.

 

Lemmeno how things are going. You can pm if you want.