Answer to infidelity?

[Alteezza]

So it comes in a time in most peoples marriage when a spouse cheats. Hmm, sad. Well, I love my wife very much not so because we have children but because she is my friend. I believe I pushed her away a little bit and she said it was all about the sex.( knew the guy for 1 week) I believe that she is truly sorry and not playing me for a fool further more. She has a very strong sex drive and I was ignoring her sexual needs.

My take is that her body is indeed her body, and not mine. The deception is what indeed hurts worse. If we choose to continue on with our marriage then I don't want to hold this misfortune againts her. So......I came up with a solution.

Seeing how I was COMPLETLY faithful throughout our marrige I don't think it was fair to go and share her body and have great sex without me. Though I was not providing her with her sexual(not emotional cause I am a very sensitive male) what she did was selfish. I suggested that we should have a threesome with another female. Some say that it will further complicate things but I say that I can never hold what she did to me againts her if I indeed do the same thing. But she will be there sharing the experience with me. If it breaks us apart then our relationship wasn't meant to be. I realize that I'm being selfish to with this request, however, she seems to think that it is a good idea.

I think that though I love her I will sub consciencly hold it againts her in the back of my mind. Then giving the wrong cicumstances if I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time and drunk, I believe that I could very easily make the same mistake also. Better to do this and share it with her then to be subjective. BTW she is indeed for the idea and reasures me that she's not doing it just because I want to. We have a very understanding relationship.

This could be the ice breaker. Whacha think?

[Tangerina]

Hmmm.... I personally don't think it will solve anything... it sounds like lots of justifications on top of justifications... it won't be the same thing or remotely close to what she did because it will be an act that you both consent to... you didn't consent to her affair.... it won't make things even... it will complicate things... maybe you have always wanted to have a threesome and now you have an excuse to make it seem like the right thing to do....

 

I am not saying that all of these or even one of these things is true about your situation, these are just what popped into my mind right after reading your post... I think the best solution if you want things to work is to go to marriage counciling together, right now! Not coming up with some convoluted eye-for-an-eye sexual solution.....

[Alteezza]

Deep inside I believe that you're right. Funny, men seem to think this is a great idea and woman don't. I honeslty don't think I could even go through with it. I have respect for my body and she's the second person that I have had a sexual relatinship with. Our sex life is very great in my opinion. I guess I'm not really trying to get back at her as much as punish myself for feeling like a faithful fool. It's strange how calm and understanding I was when she told me. It does hurt alot but I think that this idea might be like a test for her.

As far as always wanting to have a threesome...It has been offered numerious times from several of our female friends and I declined. Like I said, I have respect for my body and was never a male whore like my friends. I think sex/love/intercourse is a very spiritual thing that most people take for granted because of religious/perversion/and power hungry reasons.

You are possibley right. I love her. I don't really see the deception anymore. I look at her and am always in awe at her physical and emotional beauty. I also am scared of the fact that I can't believe that she may soon do this again. But that is always part of the healing process that involves us regaining trust in one another. I love her, thanks.

[johan]

Tangerina is correct. This is a terrible idea. Adding bad ingredients to your marriage will not make the problems go away. If a threesome wasn't right for you and her before, it isn't the right thing now either.

 

You are smart to acknowledge your resentment and what it may cause you to do in the future. I think you should continue to look for smart solutions that build your relationship, not break it down further. That is if you love your wife and wish to stay married. If not, then do whatever you want.

[Alteezza]

Almost there, I'm waiting for a general "sensus"? It seems like the right thing only because it hurts right now. This happened three weeks ago. Seeing how I'm trying to be understanding about all of this now in a time of pain, I think that I should work on us and our feelings instead of doing something that I'll regret later whenever the pain subsides a little more.

Sorry for the wacky post, just trying to vent. This idea would only be for me and not for us. Not smart, not love.

[quankanne]

I think it's a normal response to fight fire with fire, whether it's a full-blown sexual experience outside the marriage, trips to the stripclub or mere flirting … but as normal as that is, to follow through on these thoughts are not very conducive to a healthy relationship.

 

instead of being awed by your wife's beauty, you maybe should be holding her toes to the fire by asking her what she wants of y'alls marriage; what it should be and to what lengths is she willing to go to make it work. This isn't so much about her screwing around on you than it is putting your marriage on the back burner, kiddo. There is room for forgiveness in a situation like this, but part of forgiving and apology is to strive to avoid that same hurt you've inflicted on someone.

 

ask her what she wants of your marriage, what her realistic expectations are, then go from there. You may not get the answers you want to hear, but you'll be better equipped to go from there.

 

good luck, and hugs, too.

 

quank

[Bryanp]

This is just a thought but maybe you should show your wife the pain that you are enduring because of her actions. By being calm and stoic you may be giving her a message that it is not that important to you. You need to show your angry and pain to her so she realizes what she has done to you and your marriage. I would strongly encourage that the both of you to get tested for STD's at once. This is another consequence of her actions.

[slubberdegullion]

While I understand where Bryanp is coming from, I don't think that getting angry will solve anything. But there is no question that you should both get tested for STD's immediately.