Questions For Guys

[riobikini]

Just wondering what your opinons are on these:

 

#1) Would you keep stringing a girl along just for the great sex, if you knew she had serious feelings about you, and you couldn't return them because you just weren't ready, were scared about any kind of commitment, or just didn't know if or when you would be?

 

#2) Can you date a girl for 6 mos and not have any romantic feelings towards her?

 

#3) Have you ever felt guilt about stringing someone along?

 

#4) What are the methods you use to separate physical intimacy from sucking you in emotionally with a long-term partner?

 

Just asking.

 

Curious.

 

-Rio

[slubberdegullion]

1. The direct answer is no, I wouldn't personally "string" a girl along. However, if she has made it clear to me that she's interested in a FWB arrangement but secretly harbours some romantic desires and doesn't express them, then it may be a situation that's unavoidable. After all, if she isn't clear about her intentions, how can she expect her partner to know?
   
2. Sure, happens all the time.
   
3. Guilt? No. But if the relationship ends because he thinks it's one thing and she thinks it's something else, some frustration or even anger may surface.
   
4. I don't think there are any "methods"; it's more of a mind-set. Men tend to compartmentalize their feelings to keep a distance between various separate aspects of their lives. Women generally have a more holistic approach. Neither is better than the other; they're just different.

[ashley83]

I would think being able to compartmentalize feelings makes it easier to get over someone. That's why I envy my ex, ugh.

[johan]

#1) Would you keep stringing a girl along just for the great sex, if you knew she had serious feelings about you, and you couldn't return them because you just weren't ready, were scared about any kind of commitment, or just didn't know if or when you would be?

 

ANSWER: I wouldn't do it on purpose. It's too much pressure to deal with when there are all those feelings there waiting to burst out of her. I have unwittingly, because the girl didn't let me know just how strongly she felt. It was just friendship though. I ended the sex part when I understood how differently we felt.

 

 

#2) Can you date a girl for 6 mos and not have any romantic feelings towards her?

 

ANSWER: No way. I can't spend much time with a girl I'm not interested in. Again, the pressure gets pretty high.

 

#3) Have you ever felt guilt about stringing someone along?

 

ANSWER: Yes, I have. I hate hurting people, even if I didn't mean to. But I don't "string people along" as a matter of policy.

 

#4) What are the methods you use to separate physical intimacy from sucking you in emotionally with a long-term partner?

 

ANSWER: I've never had a relationship like that.

[riobikini]

Slubber:

 

Here is what he wrote to me at the very beginning.

 

(It sounded so sincere, I began dating him seriously because of it.)

 

"Dear ***; .........You are a wonderful, intelligent and sexy lady. I was wondering if you would give me another chance to romance you. I am looking for a long-term partner and am confident I can make you happy, plus I am trainable.

Yours,

Dr ***

PS: Your girls are wonderful as well."

 

He knew, (because I told him USING WORDS) ,that I was looking for the same thing.

 

Once my feelings grew and I began to look for the slightest, itty-bitty display of emotional return from him, he backed off as if he had been exposed to the plague.

 

My other thread tells the story.

 

I'm trying to remain patient.

 

I'm trying to understand.

 

I haven't told him that I love him because of the way he has reacted to my approach of the subject, recently.

 

I'm afraid to.

 

But he's not an idiot..-he KNOWS.

 

Our contact has slowed down tremendously.

 

I have email contact, maybe, once a week (a stupid forwarded joke or something), -although we saw each other for dinner just this past Wednesday.

 

It gave me hope.

 

Probably read more into it than there really is.

 

One minute I'm really positive, and the next, I'm ready to ready to shut the door on it, no matter how painful it is.

 

I don't want to pressure him.

 

I don't want to make him feel pushed.

 

But for God's sake, I need relief from all this wondering and ridiculous, juvenile playing around with my feelings!

 

This man KNEW that I wouldn't have given him a second look if he hadn't wanted the same thing that I did.

 

I keep thinking that is exactly why he said it...so he could get my attention (something he wouldn't have otherwise had a prayer for).

 

I've looked at this from every angle I can and still can't come up with the 'right' answer.

 

If I'm negative, I could be killing any chance of working through this to a positive outcome....if I'm too positive, I risk giving him the benefit of the doubt and putting myself in denial of the possible truths I should be facing and accepting.

 

I've promised myself I will give it time to unfold, but it's damn hard for me to do that.

 

I believe he's worth waiting for...but....I could always be wrong.

 

-Rio

[masie]

Could it be possible that your relationship has slowed down due to the craziness of the holiday season?

 

Can you contact him just after New Year's and recommit without "saying" it and see if he wants to continue getting to know you?

 

Just take it easy and take it day-by-day to see how things go.

[grace2005]

Just wondering what your opinons are on these:

 

#1) Would you keep stringing a girl along just for the great sex, if you knew she had serious feelings about you, and you couldn't return them because you just weren't ready, were scared about any kind of commitment, or just didn't know if or when you would be?

 

#2) Can you date a girl for 6 mos and not have any romantic feelings towards her?

 

#3) Have you ever felt guilt about stringing someone along?

 

#4) What are the methods you use to separate physical intimacy from sucking you in emotionally with a long-term partner?

 

Just asking.

 

Curious.

 

-Rio

 

 

1. Not intentionally. I tend to string girls along for companionship and not so much for sex. But that's not intentional. I figure if they want to take that next step to exclusivity they would come out and say so plainly. I think women should do more chasing and asking out than the men. My ex initiated the first kiss to me. I was not expecting it

 

2. Casually I could for 6 months.

 

3. Yeah I felt guilty for stringing my ex girlfriend along after we got back together. She wanted to move faster than I was willing and complained about being sexually frustrated.

 

4. I have no idea.

[riobikini]

Grace2005:

 

I figure if they want to take that next step to exclusivity they would come out and say so plainly.

 

There WAS a clarified, verbal agreement for exclusivity beginning with the first date.

 

And, Masie, it was just before Thanksgiving holiday that things began 'downhill' mainly due to my becoming frustrated with how agonizingly slow things were moving and me choosing to bring the dreaded 'talk' into conversation during that time.

 

That's when I first felt that 'chill'...you know, -and got that really quiet (almost graveyard-dead) 'silence' from his end of the conversation.

 

I had only BEGUN the conversation, -no more than a few words, and I had to stop because I could actually FEEL him panic and become suddenly tense.

 

It was like brakes screeching to a halt.

 

So we never got into the conversation right then.

 

I had planned to tell him how I felt about him.

 

Of course, after that, there was simply no point in telling him.

 

Besides, he KNOWS....I think that's what all this is about, in the first place.

 

Instead, I was so hurt confused, and miserable, I didn't want to be around him nor have any kind of contact with him, either.

 

I reviewed everything having to do with the relationship like you dump out a box of puzzle pieces on your kitchen table and attempt to put all the pieces together and you find out some of them are either NOT there, -or you're just overlooking them and need better lenses to locate them.

 

I figured I didn't have all the answers, yet...and felt it was best to back off, cool down and wait and see.

 

That didn't work, either, because the minimal amount of contact still left just drove me nuts, so I tried breaking it off.

 

Then I had those stupid doubts about it that everyone has.

 

I had blocked his email and he'd tried to email me, found out that he was blocked, and got around that by CALLING me, instead!

 

Whereupon, he proceeds to remark that "there's something wrong with your email...it wouldn't let me email you, -says it's blocked or something."

 

Says he doesn't want to lose me.

 

A few days later, he asks me to dinner.

 

I go.

 

I feel really positive after that, but now I'm back to the negative crap.

 

Can you hear it in my tone?

 

It's called 'frustration'.

 

I feel like a pig being stuck with a huge, sharp knife, over and over again, by a blind man trying to find my throat so he can finally cut it and dress my carcass for a holiday meal.

 

I am suddenly not having a very good holiday.

 

-Rio

[Lishy]

Hey babe sorry to hear you are going through this.

 

My advice is easy to say but not so easy to do. He KNOWS how you feel, keep his email blocked and dont answer the phone to him. He has to see how life will be without you in it for him to be able to decide if he wants you in his life on a more serious basis.

 

Back off from him and let him find you. If he wants you he will let you know in no uncertain terms.

 

Be strong honey!

[Greg25]

#1) Would you keep stringing a girl along just for the great sex, if you knew she had serious feelings about you, and you couldn't return them because you just weren't ready, were scared about any kind of commitment, or just didn't know if or when you would be?

 

#2) Can you date a girl for 6 mos and not have any romantic feelings towards her?

 

#3) Have you ever felt guilt about stringing someone along?

 

#4) What are the methods you use to separate physical intimacy from sucking you in emotionally with a long-term partner?

 

Just asking.

 

Curious.

 

-Rio

 

My response to these questions is from a male perspective.

 

My response to question 1 is I don't want to have sex with a woman unless I love her, and I'm fairly sure she loves me. I can't do the sexual part if there is no emotional aspect to the relationship. Perhaps for other men it is different, they can have sex with no emotional connection.

 

My answer to question 2 is no. How long must it take for real trust to develop? While I'm not for rushing into a relationship or intimacy, one should definitely know after a month or two whether you are ever going to entertain romantic feelings for that person. If you can never trust that person, even after six months, then when can you trust that person?

 

3) I haven't really 'strung' someone along, at least in my own view. I don't like the idea of emotionally manipulating someone else because it causes them suffering, which is against my personal ethics and beliefs.

 

4) As the physical intimacy cannot occur for me without the emotional, I can't distance them. The best I can do is just avoid the physical if there is no emotional aspect (which isn't a problem for me because I don't get turned on without some feeling of emotional connection with someone).

[riobikini]

Greg:

 

RE:

As the physical intimacy cannot occur for me without the emotional, I can't distance them. The best I can do is just avoid the physical if there is no emotional aspect (which isn't a problem for me because I don't get turned on without some feeling of emotional connection with someone).

 

Thank you for that answer, -and all your answers.

 

As to the one above, I am from the school of thought (applied directly to my actions), -that the two are inescapably connected, especially in long-term relationships.

 

I can't bang someone for six months without forming deeper emotional ties that beg to be validated and reciprocated.

 

I wonder if it is solely because I am female and have these damn hormones that are so different from males and play a role in (sometimes) complicating relationships.

 

All my questions were intended to get the scoop on how the male psyche translates and processes on this issue, -and determine if there ARE differences (male vs. female), -just how deep the rift is between them.

 

And maybe, what the external and internal contributors might be that produce those differences.

 

Any thoughts?

 

-Rio

[Lishy]

Yes I have some thoughts ........

 

Men and women mostly handle this issue completely different. Women have a hard time seperating sex with love/deep feelings. Most men can have sex and see it as having sex whereas most women tend to attatch real feelings once we have gotten that close to a guy. It's like a button has been pressed in her brain.

 

I do not have a long list a previous partners (3 and I am 34) but when I have sex with someone I feel a closeness that envelopes me. I dont want JUST dirty, sweaty sex I want to feel wanted and loved when I have sex with a man (although the dirty, sweaty sex is welcome at times:) ). When this happens the connection I get with the guy smacks me in the face like a sledgehammer, but when the guy thinks 'great sex' and is happy to keep things casual that is when the problems arise.

 

So yes there are completely thought patterns going on with men and women about sex.

[riobikini]

Another question:

 

(Your court) - Do guys view having deep emotional response or the display of emotion in women as an unattractive weakness?

 

Your ball.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

And another:

 

What is it about approaching 'the talk' about your relationship (where it's going), -that produces such dread?

 

Thoughts, guys?

 

-Rio

[salmagundi]

Hey Rio.

 

You've helped me out on my thread so I'll see if I can offer you one (confused) mans perspective on yours.

 

1. I could never string somebody along without feeling like the lowest piece of crap on two legs. But I have done it for brief (2 week or so)periods while I've been on a really bad rebound. I know I'm not into them but i rationalize (I'm just seeing where its going...). I could never ever string someone along that I had ever been even remotely serious about.

 

2.Impossible. I usually have nascent romantic feelings from the first time I ask for their phone number. But 6 months? No way, I would absolutely HAVE to feel something strongly for them to be around them in any way seriously for that long. As a matter of fact, If I'm with them for six months it because I want a LTR. If I didnt I would know within the first month. Seriously.

 

3. See #1. Punishing "I am such vile crap" guilt...

 

4. Dont have any methods for that. I do it every time. You've read my posts...

 

Now for the part you might not like, re your last two questions.

 

 

Last year, before Imet my current ex(?) I met a woman named Marie-Chantale. We met at university, she was paired with me to do a french/english language exchange (I live in french canada, she was to helpme with my french and me with her english but whatever) We hit it off, we were both the same age (30), We were into the same things, she was very attractive and smart. We dated for a few weeks and then suddenly, I decided shewas way more into it than I was. She kept wanting to "define" us and I resisted because I wasnt ready to jump in. Maybe it just went to fast but anyway I remember one day she turned these crazy burning lovey eyes on me and I panicked because...I just wasnt feeling it and I couldnt handle her looking at me like that. We had the talk and broke up.

 

When I met Virginie it was much the same thing, we are similar ages, have similar interests, she's beautiful and smart...and something else besides. With her, I knew right away I would do anything to win her, and once I did that I would do anything to keep her. I was in love. All my old commitment phobias were gone. She was the one. When she turned her hot burning lovey eyes on me I couldn't look away. I stared. You see the difference? Thats good because I still dont. Its just that I fell in love with one and not the other. Male commitment phobia is relative. the minute we lay eyes on...her...its gone. I wanted nothing more than to have the "where is this going" talk so I could know it was going somewhere serious.

 

This is just me, but still, I think you need to take a good hard look at why you are hanging onto this man and if you seriously think he feels what you feel. But, like you know, so do I...

 

yours

 

salmagundi

[riobikini]

Thank you, Sal...your insight is priceless, AND very much appreciated.

 

I DO think I know where it's going.

 

Denial is such a bitter thing.

 

I have held onto to him in hopes that I am wrong and that he really does care.

 

That's why I have posted all those questions.

 

I am winding down, ready to suck it up.

 

I am such an independent thing....I hate to be on the end of anyones' string.

 

I really do respect myself...-and I can't allow myself to be used nor manipulated.

 

I want so much for him to be the caring person I want him to be, but I am worth so much more to someone else (myself included) who can be a real grown-up, and know who they are and what they want, BEFORE making all those moves and saying all those things that only serve to promote a really big lie and cause a lot of hurt.

 

I resent the time I lost with this relationship.

 

I am really angry about that.

 

The moments in my life are valuable.

 

They can't be rolled back into user-minutes like with your cell phone.

 

I think I was simply a challenge to him.

 

Like the dog that chases the car, -once he 'gets' the car, he doesn't know what to do with it and it confuses him.

 

The thrill, I suppose, is all in the chase.

 

I just despise that, I got used.

 

And it all makes me feel really stupid (and damn angry!) that I fell for his initial words to me that made me date him in the first place: "...I am confident I can make you happy...".

 

I can make MYSELF happy.

 

By walking away from this.

 

I think I've got enough steel in me to do that.

 

-Rio

[salmagundi]

do it, the worst that can happen is you keep your dignity and he realises what he just lost through not having the balls to step up and make up his mind. the best that can happen is you'll find somebody else who wont waste your time once you start looking again. In any case, once you drop him like a hot rock, tell me if he doesnt come running THEN...

 

yours again

 

sal

[ashley83]

For sure he'll come back to you.... be strong.

[riobikini]

Thanks, guys.....I DO have a trip planed for New Years Eve in New Orleans in the French Quarter....

 

I am aware that everyones' breakup rules differ.

 

Mine are just plain vicious.

 

(Smile)

 

I choose to be that way because I know how long you can string YOURSELF along during a breakup wallowing in those feelings you still have going inside you.

 

By 'vicious', I mean I tend to rip it out (the emotions and memory) and stomp the hell out of it before it can get the best of me.

 

It's not that I'm insensitive, (I still love the ba*sard...and yes, I can call him that, it's REQUIRED), -it's just that I've learned that suddenly breaking through the wall of denial is like slamming full force into a concrete wall and I'm going to have to apply some drastic measures to deal with it.

 

And this is the first step in my own personal way of doing that.

 

I'm one of those people who will give it ALL to you, but will take back my life WITH FORCE when I see it isn't working.

 

I can't allow my life to be more complicated and upside down because of someone elses' uncertainty and flimsiness.

 

Either you're 'in' or you're 'out'.

 

Yes, I'm a romantic at my core forever, -but I'm only someones' fool for a little while.

 

Yes, I give you all the rope you need to make a tangled mess instead of a stairway to heaven, -but I'll cut the rope when it threatens to choke the life right out of me.

 

(The anger really helps!)

 

I could whine and beg and grovel like a slobbering idiot forever but I don't think it'd change things around...and he'd probably take great pride in having that effect on me.

 

Not me.

 

Not EVER.

 

Meanwhile, I've had this New Years thing planned for over two weeks and was going to just spend it with a couple of relatives and their employees and friends, but now that I think about it, I might as well start severing things with that trip.

 

I was thinking that I'm left with a couple of interesting options: one would be to go and be miserable thinking about all of this and be a really 'good' girl, clinging to itty-bitty shreds of imaginary hope.

 

The second option would be to go and be a really 'bad' good girl, (confusion on the choice and placement of verbs, there).

 

Since NOT going is NOT an option, I choose the second one.

 

It sounds more fun.

 

I promise I'll let you know how it turns out.

 

And there's this one REALLY IMPORTANT resolution I'm going to make.....that is, if I'm in any shape to remember it.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Yamaha]

You sound like a strong women who knows what she wants and also knows her deal breakers. I think you are making the right decision for you.

 

Good Luck;)

[riobikini]

Thank you, Yamaha.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

MORE QUESTIONS FOR GUYS....

 

 

1) What exactly are you comparing when you compare your ex with any of the 'possibles' that come your way? Is there anything in particular that MUST be the SAME or better than the ex, with the 'new' girl?

 

2) Do you secretly have fears, (as do women) that you won't find anyone as 'good' as the ex?

 

3) Do you , -or HOW often do you, 'hook-up' after a break-up just for the release of sexual desires -not necessarily looking for any significant romance?

 

4) What do you REALLY TRULY THINK about cuddling in bed?

 

5) What are your GREATEST INSECURITIES/FEARS in a love relationship?

 

Thank you.

 

-Rio

[alphamale]

#1) Would you keep stringing a girl along just for the great sex, if you knew she had serious feelings about you, and you couldn't return them because you just weren't ready, were scared about any kind of commitment, or just didn't know if or when you would be?

Yes

 

#2) Can you date a girl for 6 mos and not have any romantic feelings towards her?

Yes...I can still like a woman but not love her.

 

#3) Have you ever felt guilt about stringing someone along?

Yes, but it would not prevent me from doing it. My needs come first.

 

#4) What are the methods you use to separate physical intimacy from sucking you in emotionally with a long-term partner?

For most men this is built in functionality. For most women it is not.

[riobikini]

#4) What are the methods you use to separate physical intimacy from sucking you in emotionally with a long-term partner?

 

Alpha...I CAN do that...but I'm fighting these damn hormones the whole way....although I have been successful many times.

 

Thank you for the input.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

P.S. And, like you, I like it when I have to look down to see the top of their head...perhaps give instruction.

 

But yes, (Smile) , -I am a woman who can manage to separate the two whenever necessary, even if out of ambivalency, anger.

 

-Rio