Questions For Guys

[alphamale]

1) What exactly are you comparing when you compare your ex with any of the 'possibles' that come your way? Is there anything in particular that MUST be the SAME or better than the ex, with the 'new' girl?

No, each woman is unique like a lovely snowflake...women tend to compare men against other men much more so than men compare women against other women.

 

2) Do you secretly have fears, (as do women) that you won't find anyone as 'good' as the ex?

No, women are like buses. If you stand at the bus stop long enough another one will come along. That is my philosophy.

 

3) Do you , -or HOW often do you, 'hook-up' after a break-up just for the release of sexual desires -not necessarily looking for any significant romance?

As soon as possible. Many times I am looking for new "talent" while I'm in a relationship mainly cause its the best time to find new women. When I'm in a relationship I want to be out and when I'm not in a relationship I want to be in one. Its a strange conundrum.

 

4) What do you REALLY TRULY THINK about cuddling in bed?

Its OK when I'm in the mood for it...but watching Family Guy would always be higher on my list.

 

5) What are your GREATEST INSECURITIES/FEARS in a love relationship?

None really...I look at relationships from a business or management perspective....that everyone is replaceable.

[grace2005]

No, each woman is unique like a lovely snowflake...women tend to compare men against other men much more so than men compare women against other women.

 

 

No, women are like buses. If you stand at the bus stop long enough another one will come along. That is my philosophy.

 

 

As soon as possible. Many times I am looking for new "talent" while I'm in a relationship mainly cause its the best time to find new women. When I'm in a relationship I want to be out and when I'm not in a relationship I want to be in one. Its a strange conundrum.

 

 

Its OK when I'm in the mood for it...but watching Family Guy would always be higher on my list.

 

 

None really...I look at relationships from a business or management perspective....that everyone is replaceable.

 

<When I'm in a relationship I want to be out and when I'm not in a relationship I want to be in one. Its a strange conundrum.>

 

Sounds like a classic case of wanting what you cannot have. By the time you have it you don't want it anymore.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Slubber:

 

Here is what he wrote to me at the very beginning.

 

(It sounded so sincere, I began dating him seriously because of it.)

 

"Dear ***; .........You are a wonderful, intelligent and sexy lady. I was wondering if you would give me another chance to romance you. I am looking for a long-term partner and am confident I can make you happy, plus I am trainable.

Yours,

Dr ***

PS: Your girls are wonderful as well."

-Rio

 

This was "in the beginning". He hung around long enough to realize he wants this, but not with you. You are not alone, I have one of these dudes on my brain also and can't get him out. Even my "he's not into you" book isn't helping with this one. So I pretend to just be friends while he flirts with me (and I give him sh*t for it) and keep hoping one day he'll come to his senses.

 

This hasn't stopped me from living my life and dating others. Because deep down I know a one-sided relationship won't work.

 

It's also going to happen in my current "relationship?" It's just sex but I am having a hard time keeping my feelings out of it, and I think he is noticing it the way I look at him. He told me he wants to spend New Year's Eve alone to think about 2005 and the mistakes he's made and try to move on from his ex....now I wonder if he is moving on from me? or thinking about whether or not he wants to move on "with" me, and then is that what I want? But oh, the sex is great.

[Lishy]

Oh MWC I wish I could give you a pill that would make you get out of the situation you are in now.

 

You are me a few months ago and I am still not over it fully.

 

You really do not need sex that much to put yourself up for the hurt and pain you will be feeling when this does come to a close.

 

I hate men lol

[riobikini]

MWC, Lishy, All,

 

 

RE:

This was "in the beginning". He hung around long enough to realize he wants this, but not with you.

 

And, yet, -on wednesday, when he came to pick me up for that 'last' dinner (lol: the last supper), there was this strange longing and he was more than friendly.

 

He did strange things like, -he remarked about my seeming to have lost weight (which I denied, although it was true), and he even picked me up to prove it, -something he'd often done with a nice tight hug when he first arrived.

 

He even took the lint off my skirt while I did my hair (I am often habitually late in getting dressed).

 

Then he went down and opened a bottle of wine I already had chilled and brought up two filled glasses and just stood there watching, making small talk and catching up on familiy news until I was ready.

 

We went downstairs where he opened his gifts from the girls and I. The rest of that story is in my other post, so no need to repeat it.

 

As we left the house for dinner, I did say to him (because I could feel the questions about it forming in his mind), -that, we wouldn't talk about the 'heavy' stuff that night.

 

He seemed to be relieved with that and we had, probably, the best time with each other we'd had in a long time.

 

The look he had when he arrived, could have been just lust, I'll admit, from not being together for weeks, -but I swear, he just stayed really close all evening (hate to say it, but like a puppy would).

 

Maybe he knew it was the end long before I came through the denial and admitted it.

 

Maybe that's why the strangeness and wonderfulness of the whole evening.

 

Whatever caused it, -it was still like he didn't really want to go at the end of the evening, but had accepted it.

 

He had planned a ski trip with his children for the next week after Christmas, and, of course, I had planned on being in New Orleans for New Years.

 

He had stopped his frequent calls prior to the wednesday dinner so I really didn't expect him to call.

 

Two days later, I was entertaining guests with dinner at my house and the phone rang.

 

My daughter picked up the phone, and began chatting and smiling, answering questions to whoever it was that had rang.

 

I asked who it was and she handed the phone to me, "It's B**", she said.

 

One of my male guests could be heard talking to my other daughter as I said, "Hello".

 

He quickly explained that he REALLY hadn't MEANT to call, but had actually been trying to call his son and had simply speed-dialed the wrong number.

 

Then he asked who the male voice in the background belonged to.

 

Typical curious liar.

 

And jealous, too boot.

 

I told him who it was and his anxiety seemed to lessen quite a bit due to our both knowing the male voice he'd overheard was that of a gay friend of mine from wine club that he'd met.

 

He made small talk and I thanked him (again) for the gifts he brought to my children and I on wednesday.

 

He sent an email containing a stupid joke in it a day later and I haven't heard from him since.

 

Regardless of the silly, baseless hope I had with that last dinner, I have let it go.

 

I guess some things are better left unspoken.

 

And undone.

 

If you can live that way.

 

Happy New Year!

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

More questions for guys:

 

1) What do you ACTIVELY do to 'move on' from a relationship?

 

2) Do you feel the need to get sexual 're-approval' from women after a breakup?

 

3) What emotions are provoked when you are rejected by a female (i.e. both breakup, and turn-down)?

 

-Rio

[ElizabethH]

Rio--

 

You are a gorgeous, smart woman. I've read some of your wisdom to other people on this forum. I think that what the last guy wrote is true. When a man loves you he lets you know. Don't settle for the "I love you, but" energy. I was with someone for a few months of that and then I ended it. I would have been the French girl in the previous posting. Chin up...more fish out in the sea!

[riobikini]

(Smile)

 

And touche', Elizabeth.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

P.S. One of the most recurring problems I have is that my partner WANTS to be with me...but is intimidated by the strength of this female.

 

(Smile)

 

I'm waiting for someone unafraid.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

P.S. P.S.

 

I am a 'magnet' for 'needy' males or those who have multiple personal, emotional, or financial problems.

 

-Rio

[salmagundi]

I know what you mean, I dont know how many times girls have told me that they are attracted to my "stableness." And of course they find this attractive precisely because they are unstable and looking for something to hang onto.

 

But I don't think you have anything to reproach yourself for. You have a strength that these half-men you attract lack, and want. All you need to do is be more discriminating because some stable, together guy will find your qualities just as attractive as these needy guys. You just need to hold out for him, I guess?

 

salmagundi

[riobikini]

Sal,

 

Yes....but has anyone given BIRTH to THAT man, yet??????

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

Seriously, tho, Sal, -you have a point there with the stability and strength issue.

 

Everyone has a particular 'type' they attract.

 

I seem to attract professional men with interesting careers who only SEEM to have it together.

 

From the OUTSIDE (and sometimes for the first one or two dates), they appear to be emotionally mature, confident, strong, and possess the ability to love others deeply.

 

Often it turns out that

 

1) They either NEED psychotherapy (or are CURRENTLY being 'seen').

 

2) They are SO UNCONFIDENT that I begin feeling like their mother/protector and do things like: open the door for HIM at the restaurant, take HIS PART in any argument to protect him (I'm just naturally better at it than he is, so why not?), become his personal consultant in business/finance to prevent disasters and with personal problems, like the ones below:

 

3) I find it increasingly necessary to tell him that 'everything is going to be OK' whenever he is faced with anxiety over family or personal issues.

 

The part that really bothers me, sometimes, is that I find I have to bolster his confidence sexually because I always end up finding out that he has a REAL problem there before I ever came into the picture. Which leads me to the 'strength' issue:

 

4) I am not so unlike other females who DO expect the guy to fulfill the role dictated merely by the presence of testosterone, (and I do not apologize for that).

 

I do not have a problem with a guy who can cry. Hell, if he didn't, sometimes, -that would indicate to me that there were MORE serious problems with him.

 

But I REALLY WOULD like to run across someone who will just let me know what it feels like to step into my God-given right of the role of a woman one more time before I die!

 

I get so tired of being the one HE relies on.

 

I get so frustrated feeling like his personal consultant and problem-advisor when I just so NEED to feel LOVED and just a little FEMININE.

 

But if I show my need for those things, that's normally when the relationship breaks down.

 

Point: The least amount of softening on my part reduces HIS desire to have me.

 

Then I realize it was only a f**ked-up psychotic game that he has needed help with and has probably had going on for the biggest part of his life prior to my getting involved with him.

 

In part, AlphaMale is right: some people DO want what they CAN't have....until they get it, then the game is 'off'.

 

But here's where I part company with that as a generalized, across-the-board conclusion and give it the proper spin (at least, for me): it PRIMARILY occurs with IMMATURE people OR those WHO NEED THERAPY FOR LONGSTANDING UNRESOLVED PERSONAL ISSUES OR MENTAL ILLNESS.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[notmakingsense]

Hey Rio --

 

Just curious... what is it about you that you think attracts unconfident/needy men?

 

Confidence is something that I have wrestled with for most of my adult life, and I've found that I often end up with very strong and beautiful women. After months (sometimes years) go by, things blow-up when we both realize that deeper down inside -- she is looking for someone else to be the strong one.

 

These relationship failures hit me especially hard because I often view myself in a very negative light -- I'm always aspiring to be that "Alpha Male."

 

I used to believe that a naturally strong woman would be a perfect balance for me -- but now I believe that this is all basic nature -- the man should be strong, period.

 

And, for you needy men out there -- there is hope. For once, my relationship ended for reasons other than neediness -- because I continue to nip it in the bud when I feel it welling up inside me.

[riobikini]

NotMakingSense:

 

RE:

Just curious... what is it about you that you think attracts unconfident/needy men?

 

Confidence is something that I have wrestled with for most of my adult life, and I've found that I often end up with very strong and beautiful women. After months (sometimes years) go by, things blow-up when we both realize that deeper down inside -- she is looking for someone else to be the strong one.

 

I have asked myself that same question.

 

I have even asked some of MY DATES that same question.

 

Here's what some of the answers were, (and , I swear, these are THEIR words, -not mine)::

 

1) " It's difficult to find a woman with brains AND who looks like you." (Meaning, I still dress feminine, look feminine, -but can actually think for myself).

 

2) " You seem to always KNOW what to do." or " You give off an air of confidence." or " You seem to handle everything so well."

 

3) " You take care of yourself, (meaning physically and with the details of my personal, work and financial life) -and seem to NEED no one, (meaning a 'partner')."

 

4) " You don't think like a 'regular' woman." (And some have even said I think like men do). Funny, -I have often taken that as a compliment.

 

5) " I really like being seen with you ". (Which seems like a rather nice compliment if it were used with anyone else but me, but it is normally the comment that makes me cringe because it's the first in a string of similar comments sprinkled with large bits and pieces of all of the above, and more, that begin to tell me that THIS MAN is NOT confident and is very possibly using me as a social crutch at the least, and that I should be aware of other problems lurking in the quite near future ).

 

 

But let me put all this into a better perspective, expand on it a bit, and give some explaination.

 

First, all of the things I have listed are great compliments to get, -the thing I find occurring in my own personal experiences, is that ALL the comments only serve to tell me what he is truly focusing on and is primarily drawn to.

 

Which, often, in my experience, sets off tremendous alarm signals as I begin realizing that HIS pre-existing shortcomings and fears, are being comforted and sheltered through MY strengths and that, should I EVER have to lean on him for ANYTHING, -I would surely wind up smacking the ground because he certainly wouldn't be strong enough (or even THERE) to catch me.

 

In addition to that, -once he saw I needed a place to cry, vent, or just be less of a 'rock', -I'd find myself calling out to an empty space because he'd be gone in a flash.

 

With some of my dates who possessed these traits, a few even took great pleasure in finding my feminine 'weaknesses' (i.e. that I could actually fall for them), and then left, -taking that 'trophy' with them and disappearing, obviously 'let down' and in disgust but happy they'd accomplished, conquered, or 'won' something.

 

It has always seemed that, once they learned I could fall in love, they were suddenly turned off.

 

I have never been clingy.

 

But I have certainly been anything but cold in a relationship, either.

 

As a matter of fact, with sex, my partners have LEARNED from me, -and 'no' was a word rarely spoken.

 

About that 'learning' thing, tho, -I also got tired of being the one to 'lead' sex.

 

Either one of us was OK with initiating it, but soon after it started, he would always wait for me to be the one to 'do something' or decide what was 'next'.

 

Trying to change the role-play was useless.

 

It was like he was 'programmed' beforehand to LIKE IT THAT WAY.

 

I sure can pick 'em, can't I?

 

(Smile)

 

But it was par for the course in the people I dated and, to some degree, I have accepted it.

 

Let me add that there HAVE been stronger men in my life, -a husband, for instance, (who is now deceased), but who read me better than anyone I have known.

 

He knew that the strengths I had were there because they were NECESSARY for me to function in the career I had chosen and were also components of my personality that were genetically inborn as well as cultivated.

 

He allowed me to be my 'other' self, -my feminine self- whenever I needed and he was never once intimidated by any of my strengths nor disgusted when I softened.

 

He knew the REAL 'me', which was composed of two very distinct characteristics of my total personality and he did not shrink from loving them both.

 

It was returned in full, -and overflowing.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Lishy]

rio where is the site that you have more pics?

[CaliGuy]

More questions for guys:

 

1) What do you ACTIVELY do to 'move on' from a relationship?

 

NC, excercise, spend time with hobbies, go out with friends, work on self-improvement and eventually start dating again.

 

2) Do you feel the need to get sexual 're-approval' from women after a breakup?

 

Well in my case it wasn't an issue. I know she loved sex with me and that she never had it as good (she admitted I was the best and that was her offering the comments, I never solicited them).

 

3) What emotions are provoked when you are rejected by a female (i.e. both breakup, and turn-down)?

 

-Rio

 

Jealousy, anger, sadness, the full gamut. Depends on the breakup but in my case I just decided to let go. I had enough of feeling sorry for myself and realized I deserve to be treated much better. Rebuilding my self-respect and confidence was a priority. Then when I thought about how indifferent she was to me it made it much easier to let go. Why invest my time in someone who doesn't give a damn about me?

[riobikini]

yahoo.....under bluzbarbee....membership directory will help you find the profile.

 

Hope this is OK with LS.

 

-Rio

[riobikini]

P.S. That last post was for you, Lishy.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[notmakingsense]

Rio -- there is something more complicated afoot I think. Judging from your appearance, your posts, and the answers your exes have given -- I think that you are simply a very good looking woman who also happens to be smart and strong. These qualities will attract most men -- but only the men who are strong (on the outside anyway) will likely approach and be successful with you at the onset -- because men who lack any strength will be intimidated unless you are practically inviting them to take a shot at it.

 

So why is it the ones that are needy deep-down get the best shots at relationships with you? My guess is that these are the same ones that work so hard at hiding their true interior that they slip under your radar using their stealthy exterior.

 

Don't give up though. They're out there (the ones with the exterior AND the interior).

 

Sorry -- guess I got a bit off topic with this -- it is helping me analyze myself.

[Lishy]

Lovely pics Rio - You are a gorgeous woman and I think the problem is related to this (I know this sounds crazy)

 

I think the guys who have the nerve to come up to you are the guys who are hiding insecurity and need a beautiful woman on their arm as a sort of trophy to show his friends he can pull a cracker!

 

I know this sounds mad but I can see from your pics that you are a confident and sexually aware lady who could seem intimidating to some guys. Guys like to be in control and you have a look of a woman who WILL NOT be controlled by any man. This could be why you end up with shallow men!

 

The other week I was at a club and bumped into a guy I have known since I was 13 - He came up to me and said "I have fancied you for years but was too scared to ask you out as you was so confident" I was gobsmacked! But it's an air that some people give off I suppose.

 

One day you will meet 'that man' who you desire and who will be just like your husband (sorry to hear he passed away )

 

Until then my dear - Be yourself and HAVE FUN! take each day as it comes and remember that we do not need a partner to be validated!!

 

x

[riobikini]

Thank you, Lishy & NotMakingSense.

 

I agree with what you both concluded.

 

I have known that truth for many years.

 

And NMS, you are right about the ones who make a more concerted effort in hiding the insecurities and problems.

 

They know for certain, that I will bolt from that, if it is apparent, right away.

 

And my radar DOES seem broken, at times.

 

It's just that they are way too far ahead of me and have mapped out their 'plan', rehearsed it, -and are just damned good actors.

 

It's not that I am naive, at all, -and I DO have a plan of my own, as well.

 

I plan to to do the very OPPOSITE of what it SEEMS I should be doing, which is putting up more walls and developing more a powerful new radar, -instead, I plan to trust what I know, learn what I don't, and keep being ME.

 

Oh, -and the most important thing, -I plan to love someone again.

 

Hot, hard, and deep.

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[notmakingsense]

Oh, -and the most important thing, -I plan to love someone again.

 

Hot, hard, and deep.

 

LOL -- Rio -- this is what all the guys are picking up on. Put up those new barriers and fine tune that radar - because you are going to have to keep up with lots of invasion attempts! :-)

 

And seriously -- you are lucky to have the strength you do -- you're living, learning, and moving on at a speed that many on LS would love to be matching....

[riobikini]

NMS:

 

(Laughing)

 

And among all those oncoming 'fish', (the tadpoles who really aren't fish, at all, the flounder, the sea bass, the sharks, and the other finned creatures),

-there might just be a a real live land creature in there somewhere, -a lion or a tiger, maybe.

 

(Smile)

 

So let them come.

 

Now, seriously, -I HAVE had my 'moments' with this breakup.

 

Make no mistake, I am just as human as everyone who visits here.

 

I had an extremely good time in New Orleans during New Year and used the opportunity as a tool to help defeat the debilitating emotions that I knew where just going to swallow me.

 

NOTE: EXPERIENCE. I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE. HAVE YOUR TECHNIQUE ARSENAL STOCKED AND READY.

 

I've wanted to call him so badly (just to hear his voice), -that I was at the threshold where you have to make that decision.

 

The 'decision' is the one where you decide whether to give up your self-respect and dignity and break down and call....or not.

 

I chose 'not'.

 

My technique?

 

I concentrate REALLY HARD on everything 'bad' about him.

 

Things like the disgusting sound he makes with his nose sometimes, or how he's just beginning to get that 'middle-aged' belly that he keeps fighting and denying, or how truly pathetic and lonely his life is with all his screwed-up behavior, inability to confront his own problems, and seemingly retarded emotional capacity for genuinely, deeply, loving someone.

 

 

I think of these things and if they don't work, I become more vile and wicked in scouring my memories of him and usually come up with something even more digustingly putrid or more ridiculously pathetic to offset the natural urge to actively connect with him in some way.

 

Like how stupid some of his decisions have been (marrying the stripper, for instance, -the second wife- and giving her career a 'boost' by putting her through 'professional' massage school, and believing her story about the suitcase of vibrators and dildos he'd just found that she'd brought home from her -uh- 'work'. I could go on, but....you get the picture).

 

No wonder he 'needed' me.

 

Anyway, by the time I go over the files of logged info, I just somehow get over the urge to call, go puke in the toilet, and figure I could use my time more constructively doing something else, -even if it were only cleaning out my refrigerator or washing my car.

 

SOME things HAVE to be done.

 

Calling HIM is not on that list.

 

Not even at the bottom.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[ElizabethH]

Hey Rio--

 

I've really enjoyed reading your posts! I can relate to your experience of being a strong "shoulder to cry on" for men. I too have attracted the type you are describing. What I've been told is "you have it all together" "You are so strong" "Youre the whole package: beauty, brains and independent....Well, being a single mom like you and having a career, we don't really have a choice, with at least the brains and indep. parts, do we? I mean I am vulnerable, sweet and sensitive too but my usual mode of daily life is having to be strong, independent and organized. So, that's what men pick up on....I think the problem has to do with us in part...though...sadly.

 

If we are largely "male" and driven in our careers in order to be successful and get enough $ and as single parents, we are probably going to attract more feminine men...or needy men or wounded men...b/c I think men naturally want to take care of women...but if we've "proved" b/c of our single parent situations that we can handle life independently, it might be that most men see "Oh...she doesn't need me...she's got it handled."

 

My last bf left me for his depressed, drug addicted old gf....becuase he felt compelled to help her and she needed him. Hmmm...leave a healthy vibrant woman for a sick one...hmmm...So, I don't know the answers but I think you've given me lots to think about and it was good to see I'm not the only woman experiencing what you have expereinced. And I'm truly sorry for the loss of your husband. Maybe in the end we are lucky if we do meet just a couple of those special someones in this life.

 

Your friend, Elizabeth