talking to women has always puzzled me

[Lonely nice guy]

It's silly but true: talking to women has always puzzled me. I know there are many books and much advice for men about where and how to meet women. In a night school class, in the grocery store, at the gym, at a coffee shop, and in a bookstore etc.

 

If I ever do summon up the courage to start to speak I don't know how to go from "So where are the frozen peas?" to "D'you wanna go for coffee?" Or, this particular lecture made me think about my trip to..." to "So, you wanna finish this conversation over dinner?" Or "Do you enjoy reading Paul Theroux?" to "D'you wanna get a coffee?"

 

I can talk about other things, but it always seems so unnatural for me to ask a woman out. In fact, it's supposed to be the most natural thing. I know part of the problem is a fear of rejection, and I also don't want to sound like a pervert "Hey, nice melons" while in the grocery store. It is supposed to be a natural part of conversation, but it never seems to come out that way.

 

Do I just need more practise? How do I ask a women out if I only have a few seconds or minutes to do so, such as a bookstore, grocery store, gym etc? Should I just leave these venues to the pros and players and continue what I'm doing now, which is the unsuccessful internet and speed dating?

 

Help:confused:

[SmoochieFace]

This is why I quit approaching women long ago.

 

It was bad twenty years ago and now it's much worse. Women seem to live such *fast* lives these days - tons of friends, parties, always on the cell phone with someone, this and that... I can't keep up with it much less compete with it.

 

I decided long ago to just live my life and do what I enjoy - if women *want* me they know where they can find me.

[daphne]

Do I just need more practise?

 

Yes. I promise that practice will show you that there's nothing to be afraid of, that we're all just people. You'll build a lot of confidence if you can learn to disarm people and talk to anyone. Learn to be charming and you'll have 70% of the battle won.

 

I don't know that you have to learn the on teh spot pick up at the grocery store. This is a very tough thing to do. You could feel someone out that's in your vicinity by something random. Me, I usually have a joke in my head at all times because I find everything randomly funny. Try making a joke (hopefully you're funny) and see if she responds. If she is too shy or taken, move on. You can't squeeze blood from a turnip.

 

I think your best bet is to get involved with a sport or social activity where you can meet women and see them several times. That builds rapport and women will be more open to you once they've seen you several times. Tennis, volleyball, dinner clubs or cultural organizations are great for meeting women. Bars, not so much.

 

On the spot pick ups sound good in theory but most women will be guarded since they dont' know you.

 

Good luck

[Lonely nice guy]

The best place would have been while I was at school. I lost my chance. I am not going back to school again. Night school is an option. I have found a club to join after New Year's. I already belong to an orchestra, lot's of women at work. You think I'd have lots of dates. I know I have a lot to learn about doing the actual asking. And you're right, the cold instant asking in a store is difficult because most people are "on guard". Although, I've never had a drink thrown in my face, maybe I should try a bar at least a few times.

 

Daphne: What is a dinner club? What examples of cultural organizations? Is my orchestra an example?

 

And after New Year's back at work, I am going to ask some friends and colleagues for help: they either know someone and/or can help improve my image and conversational skills.

 

Happy New Year everyone:bunny:

[Hyacinth123]

Since you’re not a player don’t play. BE HONEST (but…. not too honest). This is a great approach! Just come out and simply from the start (this way you won’t have to change gears), say how you feel without overdoing it. Pay her a simple genuine compliment, not like “Your uh …really pretty” or “You have pretty eyes” (This one is sooo overused!!). Take note of something specific about her (don’t come off creepy- like noting her left earlobe…you just met). For instance, “You have a great laugh” (If this is true), look her in the eye (shows confidence). But don’t stare… again creepy…and say can we go out sometime? Or if you can’t point out anything in particular, and you're attracted to her, sincerely say “I think your beautiful…pause briefly..Can I give you call?” Very simply put. Even if the girl says no you’ll have shown confidence simply by asking, and the girl is flattered. Women do like nice guys, but confidence is a turn on, which is why the bad guys always get the girls. Even if you aren’t confident, pretend you are, stop thinking about what could go wrong, and just say what’s on your mind. You’d be surprised by how many girls will respond to such a sincere and honest approach. Especially really attractive women, who actually hardly ever get aproached by guys. Because the guys are either too shy or the guys that do approach are creepy. A nice guy who's straightforward may be just what a girl's looking for. This could be you. Don't think, jump!

[Lucasarts]

dont try to ask a women out on a date within a few minutes of talkin to her...because i think you're basically basing your attraction to her on looks. Beautiful women aren't always the most beautiful things to be with. But physical attraction is what draws complete strangers toward each other, so if you're trying to get with a girl whose reading a book, or sitting in a cafe or something...try to catch her eye first. If she doesn't look/notice you, make yourself be noticed somehow...like purposely do something clumsy or if the opportunity is there, something heroic. And always make sure she notices that ur checking her out, it elevates their self esteem as well (just dont do it too much or you're just being creepy).

So lets say that you caught her eye, she's into you, now all you have to do is talk with her. Even if you only have a few minutes just introduce yourself and ask her a few questions that require *SHORT answers. Then while you're talking just subtly drop the line of "damn look at the time, i gotta get going, say can we finish this another time?" then be like "here's my number, just gimme a ring whenever you wanna finish this up."

If she's into you she'll call, if not well u gave it a shot and u didnt get embarrassed about it. Oh and don't give away too much about yourself, its best to leave a mystery of who you are...it increases the chance of the girl wanting to know more about you and why you approached her...

[malachai]

On the spot pick ups sound good in theory but most women will be guarded since they dont' know you.

 

i'm always amazed that all the advice given on approaching strangers on the spot is still around (for example, grocery store or bookstore). you see it in every new shyness, social anxiety or dating self-help book that comes out each year.

 

and since most of these books, well a lot of the dating ones at least, are targeted more toward men than women, you'd think the authors would have taken into consideration that we live in a "safety first" society (and rightfully so.) even if there's positive signals from someone at the supermarket, what girl is going to feel comfortable about some random guy hitting on her out of nowhere??

 

plus, who goes out shopping for food hoping to find that special someone (besides me of course )?

 

not to say it can't happen. but the opportunities are rare, considering that there are a lot of psychos out there, and the other person simply cannot know if you are one of them.

 

i think daphne is spot on. your chances are greatly improved if you are around the same people at least a couple of times. if you are in a club or social group and you cannot find anyone whom you might find chemistry with, then find another one to join.

 

believe me, i am in the same boat with you, as i find it ever so hard to transition from superficial chit-chat to pursuing something more. i do think practice is important, but finding the right context is even more important. not all clubs are equal in finding potential romantic interests.

[Admiral Thrawn]

Since you’re not a player don’t play. BE HONEST (but…. not too honest). This is a great approach! Just come out and simply from the start (this way you won’t have to change gears), say how you feel without overdoing it. Pay her a simple genuine compliment, not like “Your uh …really pretty” or “You have pretty eyes” (This one is sooo overused!!). Take note of something specific about her (don’t come off creepy- like noting her left earlobe…you just met). For instance, “You have a great laugh” (If this is true), look her in the eye (shows confidence). But don’t stare… again creepy…and say can we go out sometime? Or if you can’t point out anything in particular, and you're attracted to her, sincerely say “I think your beautiful…pause briefly..Can I give you call?” Very simply put. Even if the girl says no you’ll have shown confidence simply by asking, and the girl is flattered. Women do like nice guys, but confidence is a turn on, which is why the bad guys always get the girls. Even if you aren’t confident, pretend you are, stop thinking about what could go wrong, and just say what’s on your mind. You’d be surprised by how many girls will respond to such a sincere and honest approach. Especially really attractive women, who actually hardly ever get aproached by guys. Because the guys are either too shy or the guys that do approach are creepy. A nice guy who's straightforward may be just what a girl's looking for. This could be you. Don't think, jump!

 

So, you are saying, that you can just walk up to someone, tell them they look attractive, and ask them if you can give them a call sometime?

[Admiral Thrawn]

Even if you only have a few minutes just introduce yourself and ask her a few questions that require *SHORT answers. Then while you're talking just subtly drop the line of "damn look at the time, i gotta get going, say can we finish this another time?" then be like "here's my number, just gimme a ring whenever you wanna finish this up."

If she's into you she'll call, if not well u gave it a shot and u didnt get embarrassed about it. Oh and don't give away too much about yourself, its best to leave a mystery of who you are...it increases the chance of the girl wanting to know more about you and why you approached her...

 

This sounds like something out of 40-year-old-virgin, bookstore scene with Beth. The movie teaches in a comic way, that sometimes just asking questions, even if it is stupid, may start a basic flirting interaction.

 

The rationale of the 40-year-old virgin movie is that women do not care about what the man has to say, and just like talking about themselves, so you ask questions. You 'plant' the seed, you water the plant, and then you harvest. Plant many seeds, dont put all the eggs in one basket, or you will be the basket-case for the eggs.

 

For those of you who didn't see 40-year-old-virgin the rap went like this.

 

Andy (40-year-old-virgin) approaches Beth (Bookstore clerk).

Andy stares at Beth.

Beth asks Andy "Are you looking for something?

Andy replies "Is there something I should be looking for?"

Beth laughs and says "We've got a look of books, which would you like?"

Andy replies "I dont know. What books do you like?"

Beth replies. "Well, the do-it-youself section is really good"

Andy replies, "Do you like to do-it-yourself?"

Beth replies, and laughs "Sure, when the mood strikes."

Andy replies "How is the mood striking you now?"

 

And they get really 'friendly' afterwards, but it just illustrates where a rap of asking, even seemingly stupid questions can end up sometimes.

[blahhh]

I decided long ago to just live my life and do what I enjoy - if women *want* me they know where they can find me.

you know, this is a great mantra!

[Lucasarts]

So, you are saying, that you can just walk up to someone, tell them they look attractive, and ask them if you can give them a call sometime?

 

that wouldnt work, thats more on the creepy level/in your dreams

 

or unless ur a damn celebrity

[Admiral Thrawn]

that wouldnt work, thats more on the creepy level/in your dreams

 

or unless ur a damn celebrity

 

Actually, in a sence everything works if you perservare, it's just the numbers games on some strategies may be skewed. For example, that apporach may work in 1:400 girls.

 

On a dating book, it speaks of a man who randomly asked strange women coming from a bus for sex, straight out. Out of doing this like 1000 times, he eventually got one who cooperated with him out of the blue. An illustration that even the worst possible method or line will work given enough numbers.

 

The real purpose is trying to find an efficient type of strategy that would minimize the numbers into something that is not daunting or discouraging.

To say that something may not work with an infinate amount of cases, or an absolute sence, is false.

[Lucasarts]

but in a relative sense, if you have the balls to ask 400 different girls to straight up have sex with you, then you obviously muster a confidence that makes you appealing...

 

in a more truer sense, most guys are too reserved to be so blunt or too shy, too "civilized" too nice etc to attempt a far fetched scheme like that. So yes i guess even the most far-fetched scheme for sex can work, but in all seriousness i doubt close to no one would do such a thing unless:

a. Its a bet

b. The guy is just not mentally there

c. The guy's a pervert and is beyond desperately desperate but too cheap/against paying a hooker

d. Its for a book (dating/relationships)

[Hyacinth123]

So, you are saying, that you can just walk up to someone, tell them they look attractive, and ask them if you can give them a call sometime?

 

Yes, but it must be sincere, NOT like you do this all the time. Guys come up to me and say "your hot", and I smile and say thanks but I wouldn't agree to date them. Simply because I don't know where they're coming from. "Your hot" doesn't work for me. If you focus soley on a girls looks, they won't think of you as a possible boyfriend type. Which is why you have to really project that you not only think they're attractive but also that you see something in them that's more than physical.

 

A few guys have come off like they are interested in me for more than 'physical' reasons.....though they gave me a compliment soley on my looks. And their approach was successful. Confusing huh?!? It's all how you tell a girl she's beautiful. Note girls love the guys in a chick flick.. where the guy comes out and says how he feels flat out. So obviously we like such remarks. But note that the reason we love such men is because they aren't just thinking with their lower member, rather they have a real connection and truly want something more. If you are sincere in your approach (A girl will know!) then a compliment based on her looks or on something slight isn't "creepy" and may be viewed as romantic. If she's attracted to you as well, she may very well say YES, even though you don't know each other. Simply because it's rare for a guy to approach a girl using honesty & sincerty as their pickup line.

 

Don't just approach every girl you see and tell them they're beautiful. Approach someone who you could see yourself connecting with on all levels, and be compatible with. Note her body language and how she dresses to see if she's your type (Not just physically! but as a friend too) Then, hopefully you can be sincere in your approach, in that you'd like to get to know her not only because she's hot , but also that you see something about her person that's attractive as well.

[Admiral Thrawn]

but in a relative sense, if you have the balls to ask 400 different girls to straight up have sex with you, then you obviously muster a confidence that makes you appealing...

 

in a more truer sense, most guys are too reserved to be so blunt or too shy, too "civilized" too nice etc to attempt a far fetched scheme like that. So yes i guess even the most far-fetched scheme for sex can work, but in all seriousness i doubt close to no one would do such a thing unless:

a. Its a bet

b. The guy is just not mentally there

c. The guy's a pervert and is beyond desperately desperate but too cheap/against paying a hooker

d. Its for a book (dating/relationships)

 

As a matter of fact, this 'book' that claimed that a guy was successful with that approach, also suggests, saying "Hi' to six attractive girls a day, as a way of increasing confidence and talking to people.

 

I've sort of slacked off on that, but if you have the balls to say "Hi" to six random attractive strangers a day, then that has got to show some confidence, or just going up to anyone to say 'Hi.' I suppose, stranger, familiar, or whatever....

[Admiral Thrawn]

Hycinth123;

 

Now you are talking.

 

Imagine two strangers together both reserved, and you tell her "I want you', and both start hugging madly and passionately. Guess that doesn't happen in real life. No, just joking, but I like that style, straight up and honest - sometimes honesty takes allot of balls.

 

Saves allot of grief of coming up with some sort of plan, or worrying about the right things to say. You are saying, not to do this with every drop-dead gorgeous attractive woman, just the ones I * really * like.

[Hyacinth123]

Hycinth123;

 

Now you are talking.

 

Imagine two strangers together both reserved, and you tell her "I want you', and both start hugging madly and passionately. Guess that doesn't happen in real life. No, just joking, but I like that style, straight up and honest - sometimes honesty takes allot of balls.

 

Saves allot of grief of coming up with some sort of plan, or worrying about the right things to say. You are saying, not to do this with every drop-dead gorgeous attractive woman, just the ones I * really * like.

 

Exactly! - Balls may be required, but that’s why you (men) have them.

[Lonely nice guy]

Thank-you Hyacinth for your input, it's valuable. By the way, you have beautiful eyes

 

I have more skills and balls to meet women now, more than I did 20 yrs ago. But now I'm 40, and not around as many available women. I missed my best chances at university. So where do I go now? Work is an option, around town and the internet. Clubs, and other functions. I'll keep in mind what you said: be sincere and honest, say something flattering that is unique to her, something genuine, say how I feel.

 

I'll do my best.

[Admiral Thrawn]

Exactly! - Balls may be required, but that’s why you (men) have them.

 

Thank-you. I will try to assimilate that advice. Ok, piece of cake.

Right, Lonely nice guy? We are just going to tell people what we want, but I still dont think random marriage proposals are a good idea though. Suppose someone says yes, and you are stuck with the wrong person for your whole life.

[daphne]

Hey there nice guy,

Sorry I got busy during the holidays.

 

It's common to have a more difficult time out of college. That's where everyone's hooking up and making googoo eyes. Things were so much easier back then. Sigh.

 

As for clubs, get creative. Depending on your locale, there's a ton and you have to figure out what interests you and try to measure hte ratio of men to women. Women like artsy things. Language courses, foreign culture associations, museum parties, art classes, things like that. Orchestra sounds great. Work on your social skills there and if nothing pans out you can use them somewhere else. A dinner club can involve membership or allow you to just try it for fun (depending on the group) where a large group of people who are single but like to eat well get together and socialize. You kill 2 birds with one stone. Lots of women do this as opposed to the bar scene which a lot of us hate hate hate. See if there is an 8 at 8 in your area. They are begging for more men because the ratio is so heavy with women.

 

If you're super smart, mensa's a good idea. Although the ratio is more men to women. Foreign consulates throw nice big shindigs. If you pick up tennis, there's lots of cute women, but there is a higher ratio of men to women.

 

Do your homework. Figure out what your'e interested in most and take a look at your local paper. Maybe a cooking class or salsa lessons (more women to men ratio). You really want to increase your odds by being one of the only guys there. No competition and you have a captive audience of hotties.

[masie]

Fresh approach to chatting with a woman--

 

I am one of those women who gets approached and has her guard up. I've said no and later regretted it, but mostly, it is creepy guys who ask me out or ask for my number.

 

So, I suggest the following:

 

1. no comments on looks/beauty/eyes

2. the guy could admit he knows "I'm on guard, which is why he wanted to give me his number and if I were interested I could call"

3. so the guy should offer his number and/email address

4. if you want to have some way to reach the woman, the guy should ask for an email address (if she has one) --it's lower pressure

5. Just say you'd like a chance to get to know her or say the woman caught your eye

6. smile & get eye contact first, don't just show up at the woman's side, that's disarming

 

Other women, what do you think of this? Would any of this work for you?

 

(Note, I've been approached at festivals, grocery stores, concerts and gas stations, and the guys that "breakthrough" are the gentleman who act very calm and even slightly nervous. I even met one guy who asked me out while in line at a fast food restaurant, later the same day for coffee. Best date of my life! I was about to say no, but he said all the stuff I was thinking, like: "Why is this man talking to me? Doesn't he know he's a stranger and I don't talk to strangers?") LOL!!!