need some solid advice on my relationship

[deeply troubled]

hi guys,

 

First off, want to thank all who I see responding to the troubled hearts on this forum, you guys are doing good work.

 

I'll try to keep this short.

 

I started dating her an year ago, and this is my first relationship. It has gotten rather serious. When I started dating, I had no idea it'll get this serious. My girlfriend loves me with all her heart and has made that clear ample times. I, on the other hand, am not sure about whether I truly love her or not. We have spent more or less a whole year together and have so many memories sometimes I wonder how I can even let her go. Sometimes I feel it's the fear of loosing her and not getting to see her ever again? it drives me nuts and iam in pain just thinking about letting her go.

 

We have almost broken up several times in the past and have managed to get back and seemed to make it work. All the problems we've had in the past, the 3 or 4 times we have almost broken up have now become bad memories that haunt us sometimes. The last few weeks have been just painful. I love to spend time with her and honestly, cant think of any singular problem I have with her. Its just that I seemed to think that to make relationships/marriages work, two people have to have a *passionate love*, something that's so strong that fires up their relationship and they actually are drawn to each other. And i dont know if I have that.

 

Its also been troubling me that if I let her go, what happens to her, i mean, she is a wonderful person, she has given so much to our relationship and is so in love with me, she would be devastated; yes, i know that's a wrong reason for me to stay with her...

 

So in short, Iam not sure if I am truly in love with her, whereas she says she is. What should I do? will it work?

 

I really need some help here, Iam at crossroads, she's asked to make up my mind and end this mutual misery we seem to be in because of me..we've been in emotional trauma, literally crying our days out the last few months...

[Tony T]

Well, if you want me to let you in on a major secret of this love business I will, but you can't tell anyone else. You are in a far better position of being able to be happy for life with this lady than you would be if you were madly in love with her. And now, you are saying "Yeah, right...this guy's an idiot." OK, I'll explain.

 

When we are madly in love, it is absolutely wonderful and we are filled with joy and passion from morning to night. It's wonderful beyond all imagination. But like any drug, when the chemicals wear off in our brain that cause this ecstasy, we often feel a disappointment...or even the need to go out and find someone who will recreate these great feelings. We are relationship junkies.

 

If you have deep admiration and respect for your lady, if you admire many things about her, if you have a love for her, if you enjoy her companionship and you have many things in common, there is no reason why you can't have the best relationship that two human beings ever had. There's nothing wrong with her loving you more than you love her. That puts you in control. The person who cares the lesser controls the relationship.

 

You won't have to worry about the relationship taking a nosedive because you are into it on a far more realistic level and your feelings for her aren't chemistry-driven. You won't have the let down that so many people have when they realize they are with a normal, fallible human being who makes mistakes and goes to the bathroom. You are there already and you still have great admiration for this lady.

 

Furthermore, it is highly likely that over time as you learn more about her and you see what else is out there and you appreciate her dedication to you, you will fall more deeply in love with her.

 

Now, you have to take inventory of your own feelings. Yes, you can look for someone else and get some of those passionate feelings temporarily...for six months...a year...two or three. But that passion creates a blindness and when you come down to earth you could be with a real bxtch. Someone you love passionately today could be your worst nightmare tomorrow.

 

Right now, not being so madly in love, you are able to see your lady in a very objective way and you like what you see. Give it a lot of thought but if you think you could be comfortable with her as a life partner, you ought to go for it. I promise you, you'll be a lot better off in the longrun. Frankly, it sounds to me like you love her a lot more than you are willing to admit.

 

And no, marriages aren't fueled on "passionate" love. As a matter of fact, there aren't a lot of marriages where that is sustained. There is something about bills, stress, screaming babies, work schedules, doctor visits, grocery shopping, planning meals, cleaning house, illness, yardwork, visits by relatives, social engagements, etc. that sort of kills a lot of that passion anyway. All that stuff works a lot better when there is a solid friendship and respect.

 

Of course, the decision is yours but let me tell you, it is very very difficult to find someone in this world who really cares. If you have the best sense that she deeply cares about you and desires to make you happy, then it's you who has to decide if you can do without some of that chemical stuff. YOU must make this decision but if you let her go, just know that you could truly regret it and wish she was back in your life in years to come.

 

For your information, in many cultures marriages are arranged and the young people don't even know the people they are going to marry until parents introduce them. In most cases, there isn't this chemical thing at all. But the commonalities plus the good qualities which the parents have determined the young people have make those marriages last a lifetime in most cases.

 

Sit down and think this through good. But don't write this lady off because you aren't seeing fireworks. Fireworks always come to an end. It's simply a physical law of the universe.

 

I hope this has helped a bit. Ask lot of others and get as much input as you can from others, preferably older, mature people before you make your final decision.

[happygirl]

Hey there.

 

I don't know if you're still on line or not, but I have something to say to your confusion...

 

This is your first real relationship, correct? Of course, there are concerns. Honestly, I come from a family that is very tight-knit, my parents are still passionately in love after almost 40 years. They still hold hands, and kiss in public. Not a kiss on the cheek, either, mind you. This bothered me when I was 12-- now all I think is: I will never settle for less. They still raised a bunch of kids and have a great life with great credit--none of the life issues destroyed their love. I know that you're getting advice from idiots out there (I've read at least one response--blech.) who say to go for it with this girl who isn't everything you want, because if you care about her less it puts you in control. But really it just puts you out of the loop. Don't you want a real true passionate love with the person you will spend the rest of your life with? Then you deserve to find that--and so does she. You ask what will happen to her--well, she won't have to worry about you anymore, so she'll go find someone else who can and will love her the way she deserves--equally. Cut it loose, part as best you can. The world goes on, and if you're meant to be in the end--you'll someday find your way back. Give each other a chance to find the real thing. Lust does fade. Love doesn't. If all you felt was lust--then it's gone.

[marzipan75]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry you are in pain, we can all certainly understand here. Let me start by saying there is no simple answer here. If you try to look for one, you won't find it. Anyway, I think you do have some element of passion for this woman but at the same time you don't know whether to identify it with attraction or love for someone who you've formed a bond with over time. That is hard to tell, only you know how you feel. I can tell you that there is no element of time to go by, that is there is no time table for this kind of thing, you could go on feeling this way forever or it could stop if you decide to get some space from eachother but you won't know until you do that.

 

Unfortunately, it sounds like she's ready for a bigger committment than you can offer her right now and after a year of dating she has a small right to ask that question of where you think things are going. Ask yourself this question: Why do you think you are with her? Is it until someone else comes along or for fear of being alone? Fear of being alone is very common but I'm hear to tell you that you do get over that. If you love her but are not in love with her then you owe it to her and yourself to break the relationship. Yes it is a painful thought and no she probably won't understand but you also need to give her a little more credit for being able to handle it. I think a lot of times in relationships we become co-dependent and that's when we get scared of being able to handle it on our own. All these questions that keep running through your mind: What if she finds someone else when we are apart? What if I do? What about our friendship? How can I go without talking to this person? These are all very natural.

 

I will tell you that I've just come out of a relationship that lasted 8 years and it was very painful but I am okay. I am really good sometimes and then others I am not but you can do it. It sounds like you have already come to the conclusion that you want to be alone for a while and you just don't know how to tell her. If this is the case then you need to come out to her in person and tell her how you are really feeling. Don't wait because the longer you wait, the more pain this may cause. You owe it to her to be honest about how you feel and if she is hurt and angry then that's something you are going to have to cope with. Explain to her that it isn't someone else or anything like that, it's your issue and she didn't do anything wrong. If you do decide to break up or take time apart, whatever you want to call it, just make sure you are completely honest with her because if you are not, it will end up causing even bigger problems.

 

I think maybe if you try it on your own for a little while you will be able to think about things more clearly and not cause her any additional pain. Sometimes it also takes time apart for you to realize how much you love and want that person in your life. Maybe this is the case with you and then again maybe not. It sounds like you want this but don't know how to tell her. Just tell her, there is no easy way to do it, except just doing it.

 

If you are in a lot of pain then I imagine she must be as well. It is better to take some time away from eachother than to stay together and keep rejecting one another, don't you think? If you are in a lot of anguish over this, chances are she can't be feeling very good right now either and in all fairness you both deserve to be happy. Think about it.

 

I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I don't. I wish you all the luck in working through this.

 

Marzipan

hi guys, First off, want to thank all who I see responding to the troubled hearts on this forum, you guys are doing good work. I'll try to keep this short. I started dating her an year ago, and this is my first relationship. It has gotten rather serious. When I started dating, I had no idea it'll get this serious. My girlfriend loves me with all her heart and has made that clear ample times. I, on the other hand, am not sure about whether I truly love her or not. We have spent more or less a whole year together and have so many memories sometimes I wonder how I can even let her go. Sometimes I feel it's the fear of loosing her and not getting to see her ever again? it drives me nuts and iam in pain just thinking about letting her go. We have almost broken up several times in the past and have managed to get back and seemed to make it work. All the problems we've had in the past, the 3 or 4 times we have almost broken up have now become bad memories that haunt us sometimes. The last few weeks have been just painful. I love to spend time with her and honestly, cant think of any singular problem I have with her. Its just that I seemed to think that to make relationships/marriages work, two people have to have a *passionate love*, something that's so strong that fires up their relationship and they actually are drawn to each other. And i dont know if I have that. Its also been troubling me that if I let her go, what happens to her, i mean, she is a wonderful person, she has given so much to our relationship and is so in love with me, she would be devastated; yes, i know that's a wrong reason for me to stay with her... So in short, Iam not sure if I am truly in love with her, whereas she says she is. What should I do? will it work? I really need some help here, Iam at crossroads, she's asked to make up my mind and end this mutual misery we seem to be in because of me..we've been in emotional trauma, literally crying our days out the last few months...

[midori]

I think Marzipan's words in her reply to you are dead on. I have one thing to add that you might want to consider, especially since this is your first relationship. Sometimes when people discover that they've met someone truly significant, someone who could really fulfill them and be "the one" (though I don't believe there is just one person out there for each of us), they freeze up a bit. When this happens some part of one's heart is blocked off and not touched by the love that fills the rest. It can be a defense against being overwhelmed, against having one's "fate sealed." I think there can be a lot of things that might lead a person to unconsciously react in this way -- insecurity, a fear that sooner or later bad things beyond one's control will descend upon the relationship and rip it apart, or perhaps a reluctance to take responsibility for one's happiness as well as to be responsible in a relationship with another person, etc. -- but the one thing the varied reasons have in common is that they have nothing to do with the relationship or partner. They stem from the person who is blocking some of the love they feel. And they need to be dealt with before such a person will ever be able to truly love and be loved in return.

 

When this happens it's hard to even recognize what's going on, let alone what's causing it. I think that usually it won't be clear until the relationship has ended, ironic and sad though that is.

 

Anyway, I think you ought to break up with your girlfriend. She'll be terribly hurt, bewildered even, as well as possibly angry, etc. But right now you're not fully participating in the relationship with her, you're not truly valuing her love when you cannot return it in kind. Yes, she'll be hurt. She'll be far more hurt the longer you wait. If you love and appreciate her then you must realize that she deserves to be with someone who truly loves her and is not looking for an escape hatch.

[Lauren]

Searching for that "passionate love" is unrealistic. There obviously was an attraction that connected you to this lady and continues to hold you there. Examine why you are truly there? Are you truly there - with her and for her. Love is great an infatuating and all-encompassing according to some. Great love is what looks at reality, faces it and survives through it. You have come to a place beyond the infatuation/all-is-perfect ideal of love and your are looking at things realistically. That is a good thing. Obviously, you do not want things to become mundane and routine either! Do not elminate any possibilities of this relationship just because you don't hear music or see fireworks. It sounds to me that you are beyond that - yeah! Facing the daily trials and tribulations of life is what is truly going to bond you to this person - not music and fireworks. Marvel in the wonders of the day! The ordinary! Putting aside your search for "passionate love" will allow you to see this person - and yourself as well - more clearly and completely. Hopefully, you will continue learning for a long time to come. That is truly what a relationship is all about - life-long learning/student of each other. Good luck!

 

hi guys, First off, want to thank all who I see responding to the troubled hearts on this forum, you guys are doing good work. I'll try to keep this short. I started dating her an year ago, and this is my first relationship. It has gotten rather serious. When I started dating, I had no idea it'll get this serious. My girlfriend loves me with all her heart and has made that clear ample times. I, on the other hand, am not sure about whether I truly love her or not. We have spent more or less a whole year together and have so many memories sometimes I wonder how I can even let her go. Sometimes I feel it's the fear of loosing her and not getting to see her ever again? it drives me nuts and iam in pain just thinking about letting her go. We have almost broken up several times in the past and have managed to get back and seemed to make it work. All the problems we've had in the past, the 3 or 4 times we have almost broken up have now become bad memories that haunt us sometimes. The last few weeks have been just painful. I love to spend time with her and honestly, cant think of any singular problem I have with her. Its just that I seemed to think that to make relationships/marriages work, two people have to have a *passionate love*, something that's so strong that fires up their relationship and they actually are drawn to each other. And i dont know if I have that. Its also been troubling me that if I let her go, what happens to her, i mean, she is a wonderful person, she has given so much to our relationship and is so in love with me, she would be devastated; yes, i know that's a wrong reason for me to stay with her... So in short, Iam not sure if I am truly in love with her, whereas she says she is. What should I do? will it work? I really need some help here, Iam at crossroads, she's asked to make up my mind and end this mutual misery we seem to be in because of me..we've been in emotional trauma, literally crying our days out the last few months...

[deeply troubled]

Thanks all of you, Tony, happygirl, marzipan75, midori, Lauren;

 

may be I've lost touch with the world but I am grateful that so many of you responded so fast. this is a great community. my heartfelt thanks!

 

iam feeling a little better after reading so many responses.

 

I fell a little ill after that painful Sunday afternoon when I wrote my original message. thats why this delay in getting back. sorry.

 

I think I agree- i've been thinking about this myself, that- i owe it to her (and me) to be honest to her; i think i just have been too worried about leaving her and that she cant continue without me...

 

Thanks again for all your help and support.

 

PS- midori, that tidbit about "...defense against being overwhelmed...", it's probably happened to me in the past!