I fear my marriage might become a sexless one soon

[ryan05]

My wife and I have been married over 2 years but have been with each other for 9 and we have no kids.

 

For starters, I find the love I have for my wife is one that will never stop growing. I still find myself getting infactuated when I look at her. She is incredibly beautiful and smart and I always realize how lucky I am to be married to this woman.

 

Okay, now, our marriage, has become really routine lately. I guess it's human nature to be routine, but this is killing me. In our relationship we have the routine goodbye kiss, the routine hello kiss, the routine goodnight kiss. I noticed the other day that outside of our "routine" affections, my wife and I don't really express that much to each other. I mean we give each other massages, and cuddle up on the couch watching TV, but I mean, I'm talking about the unexpected kissing, the unexpected sex, the forplay before sex, the spontanity of doing some out of the norm which is sexual. There is none of that in our lives right now. Is this normal, should I accept it as a part being with someone for a long time. I

 

Now my wife just told me that sex is just not fun to her anymore. I find that lately I am the one asking for it ALL the time, and when we do have it, its usually me on top and her on bottom and basically her waiting for me to finish up. I feel almost guilty having sex with her because I know she doesn't enjoy it at all, but at the same time, I have needs to tend to as well.

 

One thing is that we have been trying to have kids and have failed miserably for the past 2 years. And to her sex has become sort of a chore now. But I try to intice her to spice things up but she doesn't want any of it. Her sex drive has dwindled bigtime. I'm 26 years old and am in my prime and this isn't settling well with me. I have a gorgeous wife at home, we have no kids, and am having a hard time understanding why are sex life is crumbling. I need some advice here please please please!!!

 

I had suspicsions of her cheating on me before, because we have become kind of distant lately, but I truely believe she is faithful to me.

 

I really want to do something about us falling into this monotony of marriage first and foremost. And if at the same time, I can get my wife to up her sex drive, that would be a huge bonus too.

[Mz. Pixie]

Here's a tip-

 

Get the Book "His Needs, Her Needs, how to affair proof your marriage"

 

This will help you meet your wife's emotional needs so that she feels compelled to meet your sexual needs.

 

DO NOT make every conversation with her about your lack of sex, she will feel like a sex object. Rather approach this as how to make your marriage better.

[Freyja]

I'm sorry to hear you're having these problems Ryan. Maybe it has something to do with wanting a child? If you guys are stressing over having a baby maybe thats why she is feeling down about the whole issue to do with sex. I think theres alot of emotions attached to this rather than her dislike for sex. Maybe she is really concentrating on having a baby so much that she's forgotton how good sex can be in itself, perhaps she's just not realising it because she is stressed.

 

Also, is she on any medication? That could affect her sex drive. I think you should communicate to her about how this is making you feel, try to find out what is really bothering her and take it from there. I agree with the Mz. Pixie too, you must seek out in fulfilling her emotional needs, that will in turn help you being sexually satisfied.

[slubberdegullion]

Why women cannot understand that rejecting sex for a man in a committed relationship is hurtful. It's like telling her she's fat & ugly. It also always seems to be so one-sided; that is, if a fellow doesn't fulfill her emotional needs, then she withholds intimacy. But why oh why isn't it as important for a woman to fulfill her man's emotional needs when it comes to sex? If a man's needs are met, it's more likely that he'll be more attentive to her emotional needs.

 

</rant>

 

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, because so much depends on the dynamics of the particular relationship. But I think that Freyja (of the very sensual avatar) and Mz. Pixie are right when it comes to communicating your needs. The better you can tap into that emotional centre of hers, the more luck you will probably have in getting her to understand how much it means to you. Now, obviously emotional manipulation is out; she'll see right through it and it will make problems worse. But if you're clear, direct and express your feelings about it to her, that's a good step in the right direction.

 

By the way, you're not alone. This kind of thing happens all the time.

[lilmoma1973]

Why women cannot understand that rejecting sex for a man in a committed relationship is hurtful. It's like telling her she's fat & ugly. It also always seems to be so one-sided; that is, if a fellow doesn't fulfill her emotional needs, then she withholds intimacy. But why oh why isn't it as important for a woman to fulfill her man's emotional needs when it comes to sex? If a man's needs are met, it's more likely that he'll be more attentive to her emotional needs.

 

</rant>

 

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, because so much depends on the dynamics of the particular relationship. But I think that Freyja (of the very sensual avatar) and Mz. Pixie are right when it comes to communicating your needs. The better you can tap into that emotional centre of hers, the more luck you will probably have in getting her to understand how much it means to you. Now, obviously emotional manipulation is out; she'll see right through it and it will make problems worse. But if you're clear, direct and express your feelings about it to her, that's a good step in the right direction.

 

By the way, you're not alone. This kind of thing happens all the time.

 

Yeah but Slubber if some women feel their needs aren't being met that makes them not want to meet his needs !! Some women feel why give him what they want if he isn't giving me what i want!! Just like Pizie said it is emotional and some men need the physical!! I know from my expierence that if my h isn't helping around the house with the cleaning and kids ,then i tend to get resentful ,because i do it all while he sits on the puter, and i will hold out on him !! He has learned that helping me out will get him more because, if i do it all then im too tired for sex!! He helps out more and he gets alot of sex throughout the week and everyone happy!! You have to learn to compromise and bend for each other!!

[slubberdegullion]

Lilmoma, I absolutely agree. My point is that it's a two-way street, as evidenced by:

You have to learn to compromise and bend for each other!

See the emphasis? It works both ways.

[whichwayisup]

Is she depressed because she can't get pregnant? Just a question to think about it...

 

Maybe for a little while, make out with her, fool around without the big bang ending..Get her really worked up. On the couch when cuddling, lick and suck on her neck, breathe into her ear, and see if that gets her going. Maybe by doing that afew times will make her want sex!

 

Plan afew evenings to spend together, make a nice dinner, fire in the fireplace, pamper her, also go on dates! Dinner and movies, shoot pool, shake things up abit. Pretend to pick eachother up in the bar (like you two don't know eachother!) and passionately kiss her!

 

Just giving ya some ideas to try out...

 

Also I would definately talk to her, tell her what your needs are and how much you love her! I think it's really neat reading that you still are infacutated with your wife like that, after 9 years many men don't have that same intensity for their wives. I hope you've told her that part too!

 

Each of you have needs that need to be met and hopefully together with some talking this can be sorted out.

[Mz. Pixie]

Why women cannot understand that rejecting sex for a man in a committed relationship is hurtful. It's like telling her she's fat & ugly. It also always seems to be so one-sided; that is, if a fellow doesn't fulfill her emotional needs, then she withholds intimacy. But why oh why isn't it as important for a woman to fulfill her man's emotional needs when it comes to sex? If a man's needs are met, it's more likely that he'll be more attentive to her emotional needs.

 

</rant>

 

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question, because so much depends on the dynamics of the particular relationship. But I think that Freyja (of the very sensual avatar) and Mz. Pixie are right when it comes to communicating your needs. The better you can tap into that emotional centre of hers, the more luck you will probably have in getting her to understand how much it means to you. Now, obviously emotional manipulation is out; she'll see right through it and it will make problems worse. But if you're clear, direct and express your feelings about it to her, that's a good step in the right direction.

 

By the way, you're not alone. This kind of thing happens all the time.

 

I've said this before. Women do not simply get it when it comes to this.

 

Also, if she's not enjoying sex and having orgasms then it's going to make her less than willing to participate.

[lilmoma1973]

Lilmoma, I absolutely agree. My point is that it's a two-way street, as evidenced by:

 

See the emphasis? It works both ways.

 

Yeah definitely!! But she could be frustrated cause she may want a baby really bad and hasn't succeeded and it makes a women feel less of a women especially if she wasnts one really bad !!!Use an ovulation predictor and don't stress herself!! Just have sex and when it happens it will ,and highly recommend before sex taking robitussin it thins the mucus in vagina makes sperm travel far!! You can google it and will tell you !!

[ryan05]

wow, thanks for all the input here. I really aprreciate it.

 

When we were at the peak of trying to have a baby, this was about 8 months ago, we were having sex alot, but it was not emotional sex at all, it was the "quick lets get your sperm in me right now" type of sex. I think this has contributed to why she has tuned out sex and emotion at the same time with me.

 

I'll ask her if she wants to get kinky in bed, or try out different positions, or anything but I know she's just having sex because I want it. I've try to give her a full body massage before sex once but she didn't want it.

 

I try to tap into her all the time. But she is a tough cookie to crack and I know sometimes I try too hard to find answers to her problems, and it turns out that I make those walls of hers even bigger to try and break down. I've suggested counsleing but she doesn't want that, and basically those one on one heart to heart talks don't seem to be working very much.

 

I've tried to give her time as well, just not ask her for sex and try to pleasure myself, but a week into it, I'm going nuts and find myself asking my wife for sex. Then by the third time I've asked her, she'll have sex with me and I'll feel like an ass hole again. Sometimes I wish I didn't want sex so bad but I cannot help it at all.

 

She doesn't seem depressed, or at least I cannot see it. She is a very positive person. But then again, maybe thats why, because there's such a negative conatation to sex right now with not being successful in having a baby that she is focusing on other things.

 

I have told her that sex to me is important in the relationship because its a chance for me to touch and feel and get passionate with her. I just wish she felt the same way. I've tried to get kinky with her outside of sex, on the couch or on a car ride, but she'll shrug me off most of the time.

 

Thanks again for all the responses, it helps out alot knowing I'm not alone. I am a person who likes to fix things, and not let things go too long without trying to resolve it and this is such a tough one to deal with.

[Outcast]

It's not about you and you have to quit taking it personally. I don't think a lot of men get how it is for women and how any sort of emotional turmoil can turn off the libido - even when the emotional turmoil isn't caused by the spouse.

 

It's as if you're trying to get horny in the middle of a traffic jam or the stock exchange or any other place where what's going on sucks your time and emotions away. No amount of love or desire for your partner can prevent the outside interference from affecting you.

 

It's unfortunate that she refuses counselling. She's insisting on blaming herself for the problem with conceiving, which is foolish. You should both be evaluated for fertility. You should also put the idea of a baby completely on the back burner for quite a while.

 

What you need to focus on is not how to make you more attractive, but how to solve her stresses - hopefully she'll quit being stubborn about getting help.

THAT will be your key to getting sex again.

[Freyja]

Have you been to the doctors about conceiving? I really think its just to do with her stress levels and like outcast said it's not your fault so you shouldn't feel bad about it, especially since you've made efforts to try and change your situation. I was thinking if she doesn't listen to you about getting some counselling maybe it'll help if you guys go to the doctors for a check up and explain about her decreasing libido, perhaps the doctor will realise that this lady needs some help and advice her on getting counselling. Also the doctor can also clarify the fact that being all stressed and tensed over conceiving just makes it worse, so if she goes counselling she's got a better chance at sorting out her probs. I'm hoping she would listen to her Doc if not you.

[ryan05]

Yes I know I have to stop taking these things personally. I will defintely try and do that. But I will say that I am not the horny husband who wants sex all the time. I try to be very tactful and sensitive and sometimes my sexual needs do get the better of me but I am defintely not a horny dog or anthing.

 

By the way, both of us have had numerous tests done. It turns out that she has been diagnosed with PCOS and that is why its been a hard time for her to concieve. We are currently looking into advanced methods for her concieving.

 

But what my question is, should I just do my best to control my sexual needs for the time being. Will she come around eventually or is our sex life doomed.

[Outcast]

I would suggest you read up on PCOS and maybe find some PCOS online support groups so you can better understand the issue and how to approach the subject of sex given this problem.

[icequeen]

Here's a tip-

 

Get the Book "His Needs, Her Needs, how to affair proof your marriage"

 

This will help you meet your wife's emotional needs so that she feels compelled to meet your sexual needs.

 

DO NOT make every conversation with her about your lack of sex, she will feel like a sex object. Rather approach this as how to make your marriage better.

 

 

I went to a marital counseling session (alone) and this is the book he recommeded. I went and bought the book (which I have not read yet), DH saw it and automatically assumed that I was cheating on him.

 

I'm assuming you have read the book, Mz. Pixie, and would like to know if it has changed your relationship in any way. (if that's not too personal of a question)

[Mz. Pixie]

Hi Ice Queen-

 

I read the book in premarital counseling. The problem was that my ex husband didn't read it!

 

If both couples are reading the book, and applying it's principals I have no doubt that it is an excellent tool. Unfortunately that wasn't the case, he never tried to fill my love bank, and even though I told him that I was going to leave if he didn't start meeting my needs- he choose not to. There's lots of posts on infidelity on this board where I've posted parts of my story.

 

Did you not like the book?

[icequeen]

I have not read the book yet. I will, eventually, but I know my DH could care less. And I'm past the point of being the only one working on this marriage.