The Tables are Turned

[slubberdegullion]

Well, I'm usually the one dispensing copious and ponderous advice, some which may be ok and others which may blow. But now it's my turn to ask something of the collective wisdom of the group.

 

My player days are over, and it's time that I started searching in earnest.

 

I have recently become lightly involved with a very attractive woman, single mum of a 9-year-old boy.

 

To her credit, she doesn't want to introduce me to her son just yet. She wishes to wait for a while to see if the relationship between her and I grows. I agree; there's no reason for her son to be heartbroken too if she and I don't end up in a committed relationship.

 

The problem is that I won't get to see her very much. At the most, it will be once a week, and just for a few hours. I don't want to come across as clingy or needing her attention all the time, but to build a strong foundation I believe that we should spend more time together. Not just between the sheets, but hanging out, making meals together, chatting and enjoying each other's company so we can learn more about the both of us.

 

Now, if someone were to ask me for advice on this, I'd probably say something like:

 

Take it easy. Don't rush her. She's got enough on her plate with a career and as a single mum. Pushing too hard will drive her away,

so

respect her space and let things blossom in their own time.

 

Alas, it's the old "doctor, heal thyself" syndrome. I think I know what to do but actually going through it may be harder than I anticipated.

 

Any suggestions?

[Art_Critic]

If it were me I would get at least 1 full date a week with her..

 

Offer to pay for a sitter for the child so the adults can be together.

If you are met with any resistance then she just isn't to you.

 

A woman that wants a relationship with you to grow will allow room for it.

[daphne]

Slubber,

 

I think you need to listen to your own advice. It's early. Trying to rush these things early on will doom teh relationship if she's trying to take it slowly. She'll see that you don't respect what she needs. She sounds well grounded. She has a child. If things don't go well she doesn't want to be moping around trying to take care of a 9 year old.

 

When things progress, you'll both know if you want to bump it up to more dates a week. But I think forcing the issue will bump you out of any relationship. A guy I dated for 6 months started getting demanding on me and we saw each other 3-4 times a week. One week we didn't see each other and he became unreasonable when he had canceled our plans to get together because he was busy. I had already made plans with someone else and he got angry that I wouldn't cancel them for him since he was opening his schedule back up to me. Don't be that guy. He was a clingy ass and I don't miss him at all.

 

Good luck,

 

Daphne

[a4a]

Slub you have been around the block.

 

If you are honest with yourself about your expectations of this relationship you will make the right decision when the time comes. (time)

 

Good luck!

 

a4a

[Outcast]

Will you be using other forms of communication to get better acquainted like email or phone calls?

[slubberdegullion]

Will you be using other forms of communication to get better acquainted like email or phone calls?

Yes, we'll be keeping in touch on a pretty regular basis, both by email and phone.

 

Slub you have been around the block.

 

If you are honest with yourself about your expectations of this relationship you will make the right decision when the time comes.

 

Yes, I've not only been around the block, I've worn out some pretty expensive shoes doing it too! (But that's another story...)

 

Granted, I don't really know if I will make the right decision. I know I can't rely upon feelings, because they lie all the time.

 

I just don't want to screw this up.

[Outcast]

Yes, we'll be keeping in touch on a pretty regular basis, both by email and phone.

 

Excellent! Well then at least you can have the important conversations - the 'discovering values' ones and the 'dreams for the future' ones and all the sorts of things you need to sort out. Those things don't need face-to-face contact and actually people often feel freer to express their views at a distance when being honest can be less threatening.

 

So for sure take it slow. As long as you're getting to know her, try not to allow yourself to get sulky about how it's being accomplished. Know that you respecting her desire to take it slowly will earn you points

 

Heck, get into a discussion about kissing and then send her a copy of your post on the subject. That ought to earn you mucho admiration

[blind_otter]

I'm sure as you guys get to know each other she'll naturally make more time for you guys to spend together. It sounds as if she's making the right decision, all things considered.

 

Is the whole "my player days are over" an age thing? Or is it a maturity thing? Or is it just as arbitrary as everything else in the dating world?

[witabix]

Take it easy. Don't rush her. She's got enough on her plate with a career and as a single mum. Pushing too hard will drive her away,

so

respect her space and let things blossom in their own time.

 

Any suggestions?

 

You said it already Slub.

[slubberdegullion]

Excellent! Well then at least you can have the important conversations - the 'discovering values' ones and the 'dreams for the future' ones and all the sorts of things you need to sort out. Those things don't need face-to-face contact and actually people often feel freer to express their views at a distance when being honest can be less threatening.

 

So for sure take it slow. As long as you're getting to know her, try not to allow yourself to get sulky about how it's being accomplished. Know that you respecting her desire to take it slowly will earn you points

 

Heck, get into a discussion about kissing and then send her a copy of your post on the subject. That ought to earn you mucho admiration

Thanks. I think you're absolutely right. Not sure if I should forward the kissing post, though, at least not yet.

 

Is the whole "my player days are over" an age thing? Or is it a maturity thing?

I can't and won't speak for anyone else. All I can tell you is that I have grown somewhat weary of the conquest mind-set. I have nothing to prove anymore, so it's time I leave that whole thing behind.

 

Woody Allen said Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. Well, for a long time I took that quote to heart after my divorce and scattered my wild oats far and wide. But, dammit, I got soft. I started wanting something more than a fluttering of orgasms with a beautiful woman. I wanted something more than to see her back arch and her toes curl and hear her breath come in short, sharp gasps. I wanted something more than tasting the flesh of a new companion.

 

I guess I wanted - and still want - an echo of my wispy dreams and marble values, of my burning passions and my icy frustrations, of my cobalt wants and my crimson desires.

 

I think that maybe, just maybe, I've found her. That's why I don't want to screw this up.

[a4a]

Slub are you just catching yourself grinning for no apparent reason?

 

Are you doing little happy dances in your kitchen?

 

Enjoy this feeling..... be yourself...... you cannot screw it up that way!

 

a4a

[Lishy]

What you face with this woman is what the man I next meet will face. I too have a nine year old son who I would never introduce to a man unless I knew for sure (as sure as you can be) that he was a stayer.

 

I think the way she dealing with this says alot about her. To introduce your kids to every man you meet within weeks is crazy. Your adulthood is so ruled by your childhood.

 

Keep in contact with her by phone (Emails and texts are not a good idea, they can be read so differently to how they are meant) Try to get a whole night a week with her (if possible) and just go with the flow.

 

You are a lovely man Slub and she is a lucky woman (I still think of that kiss post lol)

 

You KNOW in your heart what to do - Keep us updated on this babe!

[slubberdegullion]

I just got a call from her.

 

Yes, *that* call.

 

She doesn't want to exclude the possibility of more children, and as I've been neutered, it's not in the cards for her and I.

 

s***.

 

Now I feel really lousy.

[loony]

I just got a call from her.

 

Yes, *that* call.

 

She doesn't want to exclude the possibility of more children, and as I've been neutered, it's not in the cards for her and I.

 

s***.

 

Now I feel really lousy.

I recently read an article which said that a lot of men who got neutered had it undone with another operation. It doesn't always work out, but you can still give it a try.

[Outcast]

I just got a call from her.

 

Yes, *that* call.

 

She doesn't want to exclude the possibility of more children, and as I've been neutered, it's not in the cards for her and I.

 

s***.

 

Now I feel really lousy.

 

So sorry, Slub. I will never, ever get why people choose special occasions to dump people. To me it's the height of unkindness.

[JS17]

sorry slubber. that really sux. There are other ways to get pregnant though if that's the only reason, however, it seems as though you had made a pretty strong decision not to have children. Of all people, you know there's another one right around the corner.

[slubberdegullion]

Thanks for all your support everyone. I sincerely appreciate it.

 

Yes, I know that the world is full of beautiful, intelligent, smart and sexy women. I am just not fond of being rejected. But, like others here, I'll survive and be better for it, with fond memories of her. There's no room in my heart for malice.

[a4a]

So sorry, Slub. I will never, ever get why people choose special occasions to dump people. To me it's the height of unkindness.

 

Not directed to you Slub..... I don't know your exact situation. But I think many people are dumped on special occasions because they plan to spend them with another person... guilt free.

 

Sorry to hear your news Slub.

Of course there are many ways to extract sperm regardless of you being neutered.....

 

a4a

[Neptune]

Ater reading numerous of your posts Slubber, my intuition tells me this woman is not right for you because of a nine year old son. Find a woman whose children are grown. 19 plus years old. but, these last few posts indicate that this situation has taken care of itself. Know that the thing about her wanting more children is BS. If the right man came along she would be on him in a minute.

 

Her intuition is telling her what I just said. You are not the one.

[Outcast]

Know that the thing about her wanting more children is BS.

 

I never tire of men speaking for women. I've known both men and women to give up relationships because of differences in wanting children. The urge to have puppies is, apparently, something that will not be denied.

[brashgal]

Here is a woman speaking. One with children which I am pretty sure you are not, Outcast. I found her excuse poor as well.

[Becoming]

Here is a woman speaking. One with children which I am pretty sure you are not, Outcast. I found her excuse poor as well.

 

Sorry, Slub. With your wisdom and ability to express yourself and your hopes and dreams for a real relationship, you're not going to have trouble finding that relationship. The search sometimes sucks.

[Nicholas]

I never tire of men speaking for women.

Neither will we tire of doing it

[Neptune]

Quote Outcast

I never tire of men speaking for women

 

Hey, it beats hearing "well, you should have said something!":laugh:

[Outcast]

Hey, it beats hearing "well, you should have said something!"

 

 

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