Status Anxiety

[Greg25]

I have a major problem with dealing with women, both as friends and also as partners or potential partners.

 

Eight years ago, I had an extremely bad experience with a woman in an intimate relationship. At the time, it was my first real relationship, and this woman was a lot older than me (eleven years or so). What she wanted from me at the time in financial terms, I couldn't handle, and during the relationship and also afterwards she humiliated me for not being a real man because I didn't have enough money. She also made a lot out of the fact she was educated and I wasn't. In the end she left for another man more wealthy and better educated than I was (at that time).

 

Since that time I've gotten a decent education and set up a pathway to a decent career. I'm not rich but I'm not poor either. I am respected by friends, and my family, but I whenever a woman seems to show interest, the experiences of that time come flooding back in my memory. The same happens when I fancy a woman; I refuse to make an advance because I'm terrified she will in the end leave me for 'better pastures', such as a man with a better education, more wealth, or more settled/handsome than I am.

 

I've tried a lot of different things to build up my esteem, but in the end the same old doubts seem to drag me right down, and no amount of exterior achievement seems to change this irrational belief. I've wondered if anyone else has had a similar experience, and has found ways to deal with it.

[SmoochieFace]

Never have had that experience but I wouldn't allow it to happen in the first place. If a woman expressed much more interest in my career, education, and finances than my character she would be shown the door.

 

It's that keen focus on material and financial matters that makes me wary of women in general. Seems that some are more interested in what they can get out of a man instead of who he is.

[Outcast]

If you can't get past a trauma on your own, it's time to enlist professional help. If you can't fix your toilet, you wouldn't shy away from calling a plumber. Similarly, if you have issues you can't repair by yourself, you shouldn't fear calling in a therapist.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with outcast. Consider seeing a therapist to help you gain that confidence back and learn how to deal with your past. It seems this woman has had a huge affect on your life in a not so good way.

 

Don't let one woman ruin who you are. I understand fears and insecurities, worries about life and people - But - You can't worry about what hasn't happened yet. Your mind is a powerful thing and has taken over right now with lots of negative thoughts and you're missing out on so much. Not every woman is like the one you were involved with. Remember, you were younger than she was - She was more established in her life because of the age difference! She put some sort of expectation on you which was unfair of her!

 

I really hope you consider therapy Greg. Don't be embarressed by going, tons of people go (I see a therapist weekly because I suffer from anxiety attacks) and get help to make their lives better.

 

Good luck and keep posting.