newbby Posted December 29, 2005 Share Posted December 29, 2005 johan, sometimes people are going through things that may take a long time. still, no matter how much you try to understand and continue being with them and being patient wont help either of you. it is sad, but everyone has their time scale for working through things. she sounds as though she has some form of commitment phobia and whilst you may not understand it, she will not be cured by just rationalising the situation. it may seem completely irrational, but to her, it is a huge fear like any other fear. she will have to work through it. the thing is you cant wait around for her to do so, it wont work, in fact it could have the opposite effect of what you are hoping. dont take it personally, it is just her fear. dont try to help her with it, you cant. it is sad but true, accept. move on. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Dreamer084 Posted January 1, 2006 Share Posted January 1, 2006 I'm of the belief that there is no such thing as off time betrayal.. Broken up means broken up. There has to be a line drawn as to when your life is your life and you have to go live it.. If you get back together then she should just understand that you saw someone else. If she didn't want you guys to see other people then she should've done whatever she could to make she you guys stayed together Amen Brother Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted January 1, 2006 Share Posted January 1, 2006 I think you, like me, have trouble believing that people can be as seriously broken as they actually are. And if you have always believed in love's power to heal, it can be difficult to deal with the fact that that actually ain't so. It can heal some folks who aren't too badly off, but if someone's got major troubles, then it's simply not enough. I was made to face these facts. They were hard to swallow, but until I did I never really understood exactly how sad the state of some humans actually is. I have a terrible time swallowing this fact. Logically, I know it's true. My brain tells me that, my stupid weak heart says something different. I keep trying to tell myself that my ex will possibly change someday, when I know through multiple past experiences that it's not going to happen, no matter how much he claims he still loves me. I think the hardest part for me is that I can't pinpoint what broke him inside. I can't find any childhood issues except for his parents divorce when he was very young. There are no signs of major abuse, some emotional abuse by his mother, but not enough to explain it all. I need something to blame things on. It makes it more real rather than accepting that it just "is" Link to post Share on other sites
Lonestar Posted January 1, 2006 Share Posted January 1, 2006 There is something perverse about humans - even though we break up with someone who is not good for us, we are like a dog with a bone - we want them to still want us anyway and it bothers us when they move on. We know we should not be together and that they'll just cause us grief, but still we want them to want us. It's an ego thing, I think, rather than any sort of sign of undying love. Don't mistake the two. You're on a roll this morning, Outcast, with this that make sense to me. It's so easy when you read it in black and white, but pitting the logic against the heart is so much more difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 1, 2006 Share Posted January 1, 2006 It's so easy when you read it in black and white, but pitting the logic against the heart is so much more difficult. That's why you have to grab the logic intellectually and then force yourself to accept it. It's not easy, of course, but when you have a case (person x is badly flawed) and evidence (armfuls of evidence and episodes), then hopefully you, as judge and jury of the case, will listen to the evidence and make the right decision. The hardest thing is accepting that a person won't change because it feels disloyal. It feels like you're 'giving up' on them. You're not at all - like I say - you can love them from a distance and feel bad for them - even give them over to God and ask Him to heal them if that's your style but you do have to give over believing that you somehow have the power to work the miracle that's needed to fix them. It's an awful lesson to have to learn, I know. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 Johan, The reason your ex is feeling so duped by your kiss w/ this other girl is actually pretty simple: Women & Men are a bit different when it comes to dealing with a break (up). When a woman kisses another man after a breakup, its generally because she was able to build some sort of affection with him. Women are programmed to become affectionate with those we get to know, most of us do not impulsively act like that (kssing a stranger so soon) because the way we understand love, you dont do that without something behind the kiss. Some sort of meaning. Men, on the other hand, often act out like you did (and I dont think it was a bad thing, you were not together thus she has no control over your actions) because the seek to GET OVER the girl. They are under the assumption that being with another may perhaps erase the longing for the ex or at least tame their craving for some affection. Men often dont kiss a woman in this situation the way a woman would kiss a man. She thinks youre completely over her by kissing this other girl, see? Because to her, she would have to be over you to kiss another guy. make sense? For what its worth, the Friend's reference was perfect and exactly what I was thinking. YOU WERE ON A BREAK! Link to post Share on other sites
Author johan Posted January 2, 2006 Author Share Posted January 2, 2006 J_Dub, I think you're pretty much 100% exactly accurate. Nice to be understood so well. Are you so understanding when you're dating someone? Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 J_Dub, I think you're pretty much 100% exactly accurate. Nice to be understood so well. Are you so understanding when you're dating someone? I am dating someone, and yes thru trial and tribulations I have discovered a wealth of information about the differences men and women endure not only daily, but esp in a break up scenario. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted January 2, 2006 Share Posted January 2, 2006 Always great posts J dub but I don't believe this is true of everyone. When a woman kisses another man after a breakup, its generally because she was able to build some sort of affection with him. Women are programmed to become affectionate with those we get to know, most of us do not impulsively act like that (kssing a stranger so soon) because the way we understand love, you dont do that without something behind the kiss. Some sort of meaning. This was my ex-bf. He built a relationship with someone and most certainly had affection for her. He also told me he had no trouble getting over me whatsoever. He still loves this girl very much. Men, on the other hand, often act out like you did (and I dont think it was a bad thing, you were not together thus she has no control over your actions) because the seek to GET OVER the girl. They are under the assumption that being with another may perhaps erase the longing for the ex or at least tame their craving for some affection. Men often dont kiss a woman in this situation the way a woman would kiss a man. As for me, I wanted to be over him so badly that I was out for revenge and knowing him the best revenge was to start hooking up with everyone. I was definitely under the assumption that being with another man would help to erase the desire for my ex and tame my craving for affection. I think people are different and have different experiences and relationships. There is no formula, there could be a million different things running through her head. I'm not even sure that she belives johan is over it, he keeps begging her to come back. For what its worth, the Friend's reference was perfect and exactly what I was thinking. YOU WERE ON A BREAK I wholeheartedly agree with you on this one Jdub!!! If you're not together, your life is your own. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Always great posts J dub but I don't believe this is true of everyone. Agreed, I made sure I put it "generally means" so that I could convey that it doesnt necessarily apply to everyone. Just a speculation, of sorts. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 Agreed, I made sure I put it "generally means" so that I could convey that it doesnt necessarily apply to everyone. Just a speculation, of sorts. I still think it was pretty insightful Link to post Share on other sites
Author johan Posted January 3, 2006 Author Share Posted January 3, 2006 I still think it was pretty insightful J dub is good with the insight. She's like the female version of me. Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 J dub is good with the insight. She's like the female version of me. I'm sorry J dub. I feel for ya. just kidding johan Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted January 3, 2006 Share Posted January 3, 2006 I'm sorry J dub. I feel for ya. just kidding johan :lmao: Too funny you guys Link to post Share on other sites
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